sex in long term relationships

[ab30]

My other half and I have got ourselves in a bit of a stupid routine - we're basically not having sex.

We have both brought the subject up and both know it's not a case that neither of us want to do it, but we still don't quite get round to doing it. I think that perhaps, on his part, he's built it up into a huge deal and it's a hurdle to over come (excuse the pun)

My only hang up with sex is that, as the more regular bottom, I have to be 100% confident that everything is as it should be. I guess that puts stop to spontaneous sex as I always have to plan ahead. Last week he did actually initiate sex and we started messing around, however, when it came to intercourse I just couldn't let him do it because I didn't prepare that day (as a side point, is it normal for me to be this obsessive about cleanliness in intercourse?) Since then I've made sure that I'm ready, but he's just not been in the mood - a lot of work worries, tired etc.

I just don't know how to sort this out once and for all. We both have high sex drive but laying next to each other and having a quick wank before sleep isn't where we should be at. What can I do, or what moves can I make to finall break this ridiculous cycle?

 

[saymyname]

As a top, he should respect that a bottom can't always be spontaneous and up for it whenever he wants it. With that said, he should be happy to top whenever you're feeling comfortable to bottom. Unless he's super tired, then I can sympathize.

Anyways, it sounds like the issue is more about anal sex than just sex itself. Why don't you try getting more fun with all the other parts of gay sex? BJ's, rimming, 69, etc.

 

[ab30]

I don't think he always thinks like that. I recall one time, which may actually be when things went a little wrong in the sex department, when he decided he wanted to bottom and clearly wasn't in the position to. Consequently, I ended up gagging. (sorry to share that, but it is a key point in where we both stand to being prepared)

I am much happier doing all those other things, and often find them much more fun but his fav is intercourse - so we really need to do it all.

 

[cruz555]

I've always thought about that. It sucks that you can't have spontangeous anal sex. That's something I envy about straight people. It doesn't take an obsessively clean person to worry about a clean ass. I mean, I'd be glad if I was your boyfriend that you know when the time is right. But yeah, anal sex isn't the only choice.

What about the weekends? If he's really always tired, tell him to do something about it. He has to learn how to balance things. Maybe he should just arrange his day differently and change his diet, exercise and sleeping habits.

 

[saymyname]

I don't think he always thinks like that. I recall one time, which may actually be when things went a little wrong in the sex department, when he decided he wanted to bottom and clearly wasn't in the position to. Consequently, I ended up gagging. (sorry to share that, but it is a key point in where we both stand to being prepared)

I am much happier doing all those other things, and often find them much more fun but his fav is intercourse - so we really need to do it all.

Well to be honest, as a fellow top, penetrative sex is the fav for a lot of us! But I've been with other tops, or bottoms who can't do it at the moment... so maybe you should introduce him to how great non-penetrative sex can be.

Although, I do have to wonder. My first boyfriend could take it up the ass ANY TIME. He never said "let me go clean up" or "not right now". I don't know how he did it. Him and I fucked like rabbits. I'd only see him on the weekends, but we'd fuck all weekend. Several times a day. I only had a messy condom once or twice, and only on the tip. He must have had really good timing. Maybe there's something to it? I don't know.

 

[G-Lexington]

Well, let's lay the problem bare.

1. It's anal or nothing.
2. You have to "prepare" if there's going to be anal.
3. You can't coordinate your schedules.

In this case, 1+2+3 equals zero. That's just common sense. You've got a few options.

* Schedule sex. That's boring, but at least you'll get it done.
* Resolve to try different things other than anal, rather than simply saying "Well, not ready." Your asshole may not be ready, but your mouth, your hands, your butt cheeks probably are.
* Resign yourself to not having much sex.

Lex

 

[conrad]

IMHO if you two are truly bonded in frindship and love, the sex should come about naturally and seem so very right. There should not even be the slightest hint of seduction from either partner. All of which simply tells me that the relationship has to be strong and deep. Partners love each other and seek the good of the other. The situation described strikes me as one in which real communication is not yet up to full speed. Work on the whole of the relationship and I believe the sexual aspects will also reflect the bond that exists. Fantastic sex is that in which both partners bring their all to the session. It is wise not to settle for less.

 

[Blueboy369]

I heard someone on a TV show refer to this problem as "Lesbian Bed Death". Too much talking and not enough fucking. Of cource, I hate this phrase but it does touch upon something. My lover and I have also been having a dry spell. As a couple we have a few obstacles to overcome (bad economy, outside problems) and that does have an effect on our love life. Just like anything else we have to make the effort. It only takes 10 to 15 minutes to "wash up" so let your partner relax while you "freshen up". Communicate more and plan a romantic evening. If you love eachother everything will work itself out.