sex? Nope.

[RedFox]

Hi there,
I am 20 years old and from Europe. I kind of followed JUB since my puberty and now i decided to post a thread with my "problem".
The best be me beginning with me;
In the past I'va been a bit shy and had low self-esteem; I had kind of lack of confidence also because of my ex boyfriend and well after nearly 2 years relationship I split up and cleaned up the emotional mess I feeling pretty good.
My social environment mainly reacted positive on my single life; some friendships bursted but that's something else.
I had a wonderful time, also got known to another guy with whom i did not had a relationship but we were pretty good buddies and also sexually we both had a lil fun together.
I was always used to be the like "active" part, not always at sex but I was always the one who started and also the one who got what he wanted and I also played a little with this becaus eI knew about it and well.

After like half a year or so I met somebody over the internet and after me succesfully making me interessting we talked a lot and finally also met and well turned out in the frist night that we also had sex, meaning just jerking of.
I was really really excited and also I shivered and bla bla bla no big deal I could not came; i did not even could hold a bone rbecause i really thought he was attractive and liked him.

He found it to be cute and yeah next time it worked out well and also came.
Time passing bye emotions were born and he fell in love with me and I was a little unsure about again entering a relationship and first said that I liked him but needed time to be honest. And so we met again and I fell in love with him and confessed him and he was so happy : )
Because he lived at that point in time a little far away we did not see that often so it wa snot that obvious but after a time and especially me moving nearer to him (becaus eof university and stuff) we found out to be me like sex loving, and him to sex "lazy".
At that point of time I also got used to the fact that it was not that easy to seduce him like others which kind of felt akward but well.
He also confessed me a lot of things about his ex being not that sensitive at anal sex.
Always when I asked him whether he wanted to try he declined and said things like the "3 month border" "Im not ready" and stuf flike tht.
Of course I did not want to be a jerk and wanted to give him time that he needed and wlel after one year we managed to have "tried it 2 times. Me being activ ehim assive but i kind of have the feeling that he is embarassed to do it and all that ...

we talked often about it and he knows that it is kind of important for and I also want to show him because he like said never experienced sex paired with love.

Now with university his passion is like running away from me he does not want to have sex meaning hj or bj and yes.

It is pretty hard for me to see sex as sth like stressful and stuff because he sees it like that and i dont know...

I'd just like to be able show him that sex is sth relaxing and yeah.
I often feel sorry for me being like horny and cuddly and I want to fool around withhim, he doe snot get annoyed, let's me do sth but then he stops and ignores it and that feels like a punch in the face D ...
and tells me to jerk off. That feels really like shit like go fu** yourself.
I actually hate it by now becaus eit remembers me that I do not have sex although I have got such a wonderful loving man.

Then again he makes like jokes about threesome and bla bla bla to pretend to like the most sexually active man in the world and then again he seems not even to be interessted in undressing me ... then again he tells me that I am the most prettiest boy he has ever seen and also that he gets horny but is really tired and yeah. I do not htink that he lies.

His study program is pretty exhausting and I can understand him being tired ...
He also does not lie to me ...

To be honest I actually do also not know what I shall do. Whether leaving him alone by meaning not annoying him and letting him come by himself(what often does not work out because before he comes I have already 'asked').
that is also some issue that there is always this 'asking' and "do you want to have sex"; I mean we're both young (kind of the same age, 2 years difference) and not 60 years old.

Actually thinking about everything kind of makes me feel bad about me. That sucks because on the other hand I do not have the feeling of doing s.th. bad.
I never thought about sex being possibly such a complicated issue.
Actually he had worries after the first night when i was that excited about me that way.
This all sounds like a horrible lovely sitcom.

Anyone an idea how to live abstinent :'D ?

Anyone want to share his opinion and/or giving some advice?

Greets,
RedFox ; )

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome. You shouldn't have to abstain from sex while in a relationship unless there are extraordinary circumstances. What you've described are not extraordinary. There is a mismatch in terms of sex drive and it's important that the two of you, together, work on a solution.

This has caused a problem for you and when you are in a relationship your problems become his and his become yours. I don't know how open your country is regarding homosexuality, but this would be reason to seek couple's counseling. If your country is not gay friendly you can still work towards a solution if you are both willing to compromise.

This may be an issue of having different sex drives or there may be other causes. He must be willing to talk, otherwise you'll be left with something unpleasant and unhealthy for you.

By the way, I'm soon to be 66 and have had my prostate removed. My husband and I still play and I still orgasm. Don't go through life expecting things to stop. I hope he's willing to work with you on this problem. Good luck.

 

[Rolyo85]

If the issue is sex drive, there are literally only two ways it can be salvaged - by him allowing you to fool around with other guys, as long as you set rules that ensure it's no more than that; or breaking it off. I had a boyfriend who had almost no sex drive. Mine is high. He would not share me with others and I'd kill myself before I cheated on him. So in the end I had no choice but to break up with him.

A relationship is not just about sex, but sex is a very important part of a healthy relationship, and it DOES define it.

 

[isthisgoodbye]

I am in the same situation and I don't know what to do. I've been in this relationship for almost a year now and have been unofficially living with my bf for about 8 months. Im 25 YO and he is 23. He has no interest in sex, but will agree to bj/hj maybe once every few months to appease me. I have to practically beg but I don't ask often because I know he is uncomfortable about it.

He is loving and usually considerate and is making a big effort to hang on to me. I think if he had his way there would be no sex ever. He never compliments me on my appearance.

It is not a very physical relationship but I feel like I would be selfish if I broke it off. he has self esteem issues as it is and I think a brekaup would be very bad for him.

He wants us to move in together for a year and I am nervous to do it. He is very good around the house and would probably pay his bills.

Also he won't touch alcohol and requires me to be 100% sober because he thinks it is gross if someone drank alcohol. I have played by his rules and given up alcohol for him even though I have no problems with occasional social drinking.

What should I do?

 

[RedFox]

"once every few months" is really really ... unfreindly, I mean even though if someone does not like sth but his partner loves it he would surprise him, won't he?

I can imagine that there are people who really are not interessted in your outward appearance and thus do not intentionally make no compliments because they just do not think about it. But on the other hand most people like to hear a compliment once ion a while from their beloved ones, even if it's only the slightest sign of attention.

You should not obey these "rules" because in my opinion they are quiet repressing you. I mean, you do not feel well with that, you are not satisfied but your feelings are honest and passionate,
so why don't you talk to him and tell him aboutr your situation, that you need that attention at least once in a while, that you respect his principles but that he cannot make you to share them?

I can totally understand that you have second thoughts about moving together ...
for that not only him but especially you have to be sure that you want that at that point in time;
if not give it some time, request that time because it is your right.

also never feel selfish considering breaking up because you are unhappy.
Love needs two participants and pitifullness is not one of them.

I had a relationship lasting about 1 1/2 years with my ex and not only I had become more active socially by the mean I wanted to go out get to know to people, but also he became more and more jealous on everyone who I talked to.
Things became pretty nasty and in the end he ended up without me because he just did not change that.
It sound spretty harsh to request a change but if the situation is limiting your life, making you feel unhappy there is no sense in it.

I'm pretty sure you guys also talked about that issue not only once did you?

 

[Rolyo85]

I say break it off. The nervousness you have now, the misgivings - all of that will only deepen. There is nothing selfish in breaking it off because you need something, and you're simply not getting it from him. It's not his fault, and there are many ways to express that when you break up, but the truth is the lack of sex drive is not something that can be surmounted if you on the other hand need sex.

Same with alcohol. I am sorry, but those kinds of absolutist rules are just not ok in a relationship. The boy obviously has issues, and even though you might be ok with it for now, it will get worse with time, and end up ruining your relationship. Better end it now, while there is no bitterness.

I'd just go about it by saying that you really care for him, but there are things you need that he could not provide. Make sure he understands that it is not his fault, but that there are other people who will be happy with him, and give him the relationship he needs without having to sacrifice their own desires. There is no shame or fault in incompatibility, but guilt is NEVER a good reason to stay with someone.

 

[Ganoderma]

I am in the same situation and I don't know what to do. I've been in this relationship for almost a year now and have been unofficially living with my bf for about 8 months. Im 25 YO and he is 23. He has no interest in sex, but will agree to bj/hj maybe once every few months to appease me. I have to practically beg but I don't ask often because I know he is uncomfortable about it.

He is loving and usually considerate and is making a big effort to hang on to me. I think if he had his way there would be no sex ever. He never compliments me on my appearance.

It is not a very physical relationship but I feel like I would be selfish if I broke it off. he has self esteem issues as it is and I think a brekaup would be very bad for him.

He wants us to move in together for a year and I am nervous to do it. He is very good around the house and would probably pay his bills.

Also he won't touch alcohol and requires me to be 100% sober because he thinks it is gross if someone drank alcohol. I have played by his rules and given up alcohol for him even though I have no problems with occasional social drinking.

What should I do?

hi Isthisgoodbye,

First of all, welcome to JUB and very good of you to ask this question over here.

I have read this posting, and I have thought about it. I am aware that I have no real idea about the real viewpoint of your friend (only the views from you).

I tend to conclude that you don't have a relationship with this guy. What do you mean with 'unofficially living with my bf'? It seems to me that both of you have way too much differences / ideas etc. to start with becoming committed to each other.

Does he use medicines (eg for solving his problems with his self esteem) which cause that his sex drive is zero?

So how do you see the future in regard to sex? No sex at all because your partner has no sex drive? Will your partner allow you to have a sex mate / fuck buddy / friend with benefits / etc? Unlikely, as he even does not allow you to drink alcohol? Have you discussed this topic with him?

I also don't drink alcohol, but I will never ever force my friends to behave like him.

Staying together with him because 'I think a breakup would be very bad for him' is no good reason to stay together for the rest of your life. How about you?

My advice, based on your information: you need to reshuffle the relationship with him. This is not a sound base to start a life as committed partners who live together as a couple. Maybe you should make a list of positive and negative items of the current situation. How about other gay friends? Both of you have common friends who are gay? Do you have gay friends, guys you already knew before you met him?

There are 2 positive items in your posting:

(1): He is loving and usually considerate and is making a big effort to hang on to me.
(2): He is very good around the house and would probably pay his bills.

Is that enough? No? Then better break it off.

 

[isthisgoodbye]

I really appreciate your responses. This was a good place to ask. Most of my friends are straight and I don't feel comfortable asking them about relationship advice.

In my frustration I did not mention all the positive qualities about this person. He always says "i love you" (like maybe 5+ times a day). We like some of the same TV shows and have a good time watching them together. We are both in love with our pet cat that we adopted together. I never have to worry about him cheating on me because of his low sex drive. So there are a lot of good things, and even now I have not listed them all.

I just wonder if the No sex thing is a good reason to break this off. I am getting the sense that I am going to have an actual conversation with him about the sex issue before moving in. He will get defensive and say I am throwing away a relationship over a seemingly small issue...

The no sex drive is probably not due to medications but more due to mental stress with his job.

In the short term things are fine but I wonder if I will regret spending my 20's being chaste.

 

[Rolyo85]

Those are peripheral things. It's good that you have them, but there is nothing that could compensate the lack of physical intimacy, and to say that it is a "seemingly small issue" is utter denial.

It is NOT. If you need sex, then you need it, and it is not a small thing you can do without. Sex is the most powerful drive in the world, regardless of what people think, and it CANNOT be excluded from a healthy relationship.

You WILL regret spending your 20s being chaste. You WILL regret having a relationship with no real intimacy. Words are in the end just that - words. He might really love you, but it's not how many times he says it (if anything, for me it only loses its specialness if it is repeated over and over again), it's how he shows it. Maybe he's showing it the only way he can, but if that's not the way you need, you WILL NOT EVER be happy together.

And honestly, what kind of conversation about sex could you have? I am a very sexual person - I need it at least a few times a week. You go for a few months with nothing, and then get a bj/hj? If you are anything like me, you must be tortured. No conversation will fix that. He just can't give you what you need, and like I previously said, it's not a fault of his. You're just not right for each other. Some times it happens that way.