sexless relationship advice?(long, sorry)

[mmartin9999]

I'm not sure if it's advice or an anonymous venting platform I need, but by the end of typing this out, maybe I can figure it out.

My partner and I have been together for almost 4 years now. Things moved very quickly for us in the beginning. We met on an "app" and after a little chasing on my part, we officially became a couple about 4 months after the first meeting.

We met in one city, where his parents lived, after he had moved there 8 months prior to spend time with his dad who had a grim diagnosis at that point(thankfully, recovered now). About 3 months after meeting, he dropped a bombshell, saying he was moving back to where he had lived previously. I didn't want him to go, but I couldn't get him to stay. When he moved(5 hours away), I began looking for a job in his city and travelled almost every weekend to see him. It was a very emotionally tiring time, but it was fun at the same time. We saw each other 3X a month, had great sex whenever we did and kept in contact the time we were apart almost daily.

After 4 months of living in different cities, I got a job offer in his city and we got a place and moved in together. That's when it started.

Even though we managed to have sex 5-7 times a month only seeing each other 3 weekends a month, once we moved in together it took us over 2 months before we had sex in our new place. It would happen occasionally, usually in 1-3 month intervals. And by happen, I mean we would get into bed, I'd try to make out or suck him off and he would just roll onto his stomach and tell me to fuck him with the lights off. Regardless of what I would try, it would always end up with him on his stomach. I have never seen his dick hard.

I would constantly ask for it, even to the point of begging for sex, but it didn't matter. Unless he was sloppy drunk, it rarely would happen(I think we have had sex with him being sober 3X in 4 years).

This was very hard for me. I loved him and wanted to share intimate experiences with him, but he had absolutely no interest. I would beg and plead for him to go to his doctor and find out why he wasn't ever horny. I figured he had low T or some imbalance that could be worked out. He refused.

Every few months I would get so upset that I would make him discuss the issue. Every time I got the same response. "I'm sorry, it's not fair to you, it'll change". Nothing ever changed.

After about 2 years, he decided that he wanted to move to another state. I didn't want to, but in hopes that it would improve our situation with a change in scenery, I agreed. I quit my job(and benefits) and moved 6 hours away, away from everything that was familiar to me in hopes that we could move on with our lives and improve our relationship as he said the move would do.

We have now been at our new home for almost 2 years. It has been a very tough time, as the job market sucks here and I've only got a part time job(He transferred with his, so he lost nothing) I have no insurance, know very few people and do not want to be here except for him.

Absolutely nothing has changed in our sex life, except for it becoming even less frequent. I constantly ask him if it's because he isn't attracted to me, in which case we need to break up. He always says that isn't it.

The lack of sex in my relationship has literally ruined me. I feel worthless and so unwanted and unloved because the person who claims to love me won't even touch me. I think about leaving every day, but I love him. He is literally my best friend and a great person, he just has no interest in making an attempt to fulfil my sexual needs. I'm not wanting or expecting sex daily, but I think weekly/bi weekly is reasonable for a couple in their 20/30's. I don't feel that I should have to jerk off to thoughts of fucking him 3 months ago.

Last night he said the reason he doesn't want to have sex with me is because I've "let myself go". I have gained about 25# since we met, although I wasn't anywhere near "fit" when we met. He has also gained weight since we met, in fact more than I have. I don't see him any differently or feel any less attraction to him. I do need to lose some weight and have no excuses about it, however it seems I'm the only one who makes any effort in that direction. I've stopped drinking alcohol(he drinks 5/6 days a week) and drink water all day. He cannot go a day without needing some sweet or dessert, and although he doesn't force me to eat it, I usually partake(So I'm not sitting at the buffet all day while he's at the gym is my point).

I don't know what to think and what, if anything is worth salvaging. I really thought I'd spend the rest of my life with him, but if he is no longer attracted to me based on a few pounds, what will happen when I begin aging?

I didn't mention elsewhere, but there is a nice age gap between us. He is 39 and I'm 27. When we met he initially lied to me telling me he was 5 years younger than he really was, but I overlooked that(and still do). Had the sex not been so frequent and good prior to us moving in together, I'd just think he has a low sex drive, but he's always talking about how hot guys he spots are, so I don't think that is the case.

If you were in my shoes and loved someone that didn't want to have sex with you, what would you do?

 

[TX-Beau]

OK, you've got several red flags popping up here, first you seem to be following him around. If you didn't want to move, and he insisted on going, why did you change your mind? Because you "love" him? You're going to be hearing this a lot, love does not conquer all, in fact it can lead you to enabling, or co-dependent behaviors like following an alcoholic across the country in an attempt to "fix" it.

Older men sometimes lose their sex drive as they age - he doesn't seem to be that old however, and you say you were fine before you moved in, so maybe you were the hot guy when you were a young piece of ass, but now you're the BF who doesn't pick up his shit. Not that I'm accusing you of anything, but when you move in with someone you come face to face with all of their habits, and that can be a boner killer.

You've gained weight and he's seized on that as an excuse for not having sex with you, but he wasn't having sex with you before so that's not what this is, this is a classic abuser/abusee tactic, YOU are the problem with HIM, but you love him so, and so you put up with it, if only you could lose those few pounds. Eat all the fucking cake you want, if you were six pac fit he still wouldn't be putting out. Listen clearly, IF you don't put a stop to this, it will destroy YOU. This SCREAMS co-dependent.

He's an alcoholic, that love can't fix, and that right there would cause me to walk and be his friend from a safe distance. Substance abusers taker anyone near down with them.

You have to take control over your life, if you've done your level best to compromise, and after 4 years there is no sign of reciprocity on his part - love is not enough. You need to evaluate your behaviors in the light of what is best for you, works for you, and what your priorities are. Don't let him drag you down, your weight/age/face/personality aren't causing his problems. Thinking they do is enabler behavior - not to mention it's a shitty thing to say to the person you claim to love. Abusers do this to destroy your self-esteem and chain you to them (they also isolate you from your old life,) all the while doling out little drabs of affection while they hammer into your head that no one else will ever want you.

DO NOT get caught in that trap.

Leave, go home, get back on your feet, and in the future, guys who substance abuse didn't become that way by drinking, there was some reason they started drinking in the first place, and that is like brightly colored jungle frogs, no matter how pretty they are, it's a warning that they are poisonous.

 

[checkinthingsout]

All the above.

Also, do you think he is cheating on you and having sex with other people and that is why he has no sexual drive for you? Either way, heed the above from TX.

 

[Rolyo85]

TX always nails it (teehee). I'll just add one thing:

All the other MAJOR issues aside, sex drive is usually just what it is. It's quite possible the guy simply isn't interested in sex, I've known young, healthy men who are like that too. And an important lesson to learn is that you CAN NOT work around a drastic difference in sex drives. They can't force libido and you can't be happy denying your needs. So even if everything else TX listed wasn't a problem already, this would be enough to warrant serious re-evaluation.

 

[swerve]

Love and Sex do NOT equate...

IF the LOVE part is there -- many avenues exist to work on the SEX part...

SERIOUSLY!!!

Best of luck -- and keep us posted!!!

 

[KaraBulut]

...If you were in my shoes and loved someone that didn't want to have sex with you, what would you do?

Sex is the least of your problems- it might be classified as a symptom but it's not the cause of the problems.

Your partner is not treating you as an equal. He's capricious, passive-aggressive and seems to have a penchant for doing things to undermine your self-esteem.

So... why are you still with this guy if you're not happy with him, not happy with your work life, not happy with where you're living and not happy with your sex life?

Don't say, "Because I love him" because love is not enough to make a terrible situation better.

 

[Seasoned]

The lack of affection can be just as ruinous to a relationship as lack of sex. Your continued interest in him seems misplaced and one sided. You do deserve better. Have you ever discussed leaving? His empty promise to change isn't backed up by action. I'm assuming you haven't made him accountable.

Twice he's implied change would make things better. The first time it had to do with moving and now it has to do with your weight. These are the words and actions of an addict--change of venue and blame. Don't make empty threats because you'll dig a deeper hole, but he won't change unless he faces consequences.

You need to not settle or be complacent. There doesn't seem to be enough substance or commitment coming from him to make you happy. I typically advise couple's counseling, but, frankly, I don't think he'd be willing.

 

[eastofeden]

I don't know that his problem is ...but I do know it isn't your weight. If anything..it might be his own weight and self esteem and he is projecting his shortcomings on you..very common...

You could start guessing what the problem may be but if you have to do that..it isn't much of a relationship. I think he has a block but unless he is interested in finding out what it is..there is no point. In order to change,..there has to be a willingness on his part...and something is amiss.

What would I do in your situation? Well...you have no power at all over him so you are the only one you can change so if I were you..I would assume you will have a sexless life ahead of you....possibly forever. Is this OK with you? I am guessing that it isn't based on your post....

The drinking is a sign...and not a good one.

I believe you love him...but love isn't enough sometimes..and what you think is love today...well...it will change as time goes on....and so will you. So...will it be with or without him?

I would suggest leaving...and restoring your self esteem.

 

[daddyfaux]

I relate to you all too well, stayed for a very very very long time in a basically sex-less relationship in hopes that eventually the spark of the first two months we met would come back.

Much different result though, he turned out to be a hardcore drug addict that he mostly hid from me, and the sex drive didn't come back unless the drugs were out. But then he struggled in and out of addiction, and I was at an all time low when it came to self-esteem because I felt exactly what you're feeling. Why won't the person I love, who says they love me more than anything, touch me?


Either way, it didn't work out in the end.