Sexless Relationships

[USER95125]

I'm curious if anyone has ever tried sexless relationships? I've found that I really don't like sex, I may possibly even be asexual. But when I try to explain that to someone I am almost always told "you just haven't been with the right person yet". I figure I am almost 30 years old and if I have never enjoyed sex with men or women. Is it possible to be in a relationship without sex? Intimacy is great, but as you know intimacy and sex are not the same thing and I only like the intimacy portion and would like it to end there. Is it possible to have a relationship that includes intimacy but not sex, has anyone ever tried...

 

[nycguydowntown]

I once met a gay couple who were best friends and traveled together and lived together shared everything and had a relationship like lovers---but never had sex---if that helps---they were best friends with no benefits so to speak.

 

[Rolyo85]

For a romantic relationship to work, both people need to be on the same page sexually. Therefore, yes, sexless relationships can work, as long as neither party needs sex. People like that are rare, but they do exist. Good luck in your search

 

[nycguydowntown]

For a romantic relationship to work, both people need to be on the same page sexually. Therefore, yes, sexless relationships can work, as long as neither party needs sex. People like that are rare, but they do exist. Good luck in your search

yeah, both people have to be on the same page like the couple I mentioned--also, relationships are a financial agreement too---like buying things together (a home, etc) so I think this can happen---and who know's maybe you will have sex once a year

 

[bankside]

I think you need to be way more specific to navigate the issue.

If you were a doctor you might be touching your patients to provide medical treatments. With a relationship you'd be touching them to express affection. Does that seem like an ineffective way to express affection? Is there something specific about it that you find unpleasant? Even if its "I don't like the texture of other people's skin..." Or "So far anything sexual I have tried has been painful."

 

[Durango95]

Well. I'll put in my two cents. I based a lot of relationships, if that is what you want to call them, on sex. I was an addict. I was obsessed with sex. How many? How many more? It was craziness....literally. Therefore, I am amply qualified to make this statement. Sex complicates everything.

Even the best of relationships can be ruined by sex. Relationships are difficult enough with all the baggage they bring and yet produce. Sex is a Maersk shipping container, maybe two. Expectations, failures, shortcomings, both literal and imagined, elation are just the beginnings of the roller coaster of sex.

Don't get me wrong. I like sex. Sex is fun. Sex is different for every single person. I've had boyfriends that were really into it and everything was great. I've had boyfriends that weren't so much and everything was great. I've had boyfriends that really wanted the friendship more than the sex and things were great. When in a relationship, you have to remember there are two of you and not just the one.

Gay guys have the benefit of not being in presupposed roles like straights do. Gay guys also have the overly competitive thing going. Ah, the gift of blood serum levels of 800 ng/dl of testosterone.

There's the sticker. I might suggest that you get your T level checked. Low T can affect how you feel about sex.

I will say this though. My best friend is straight. We have never done anything sexually. We've been friends since third grade. I love him more than anyone. I've had a lot of boyfriends. I've had a lot of sex with boyfriends. I've only had the one best friend.

 

[USER95125]

Thanks everyone, this is helpful.

Bankside, it doesn't hurt nor is it painful in anyway. I just don't enjoy it and don't find it pleasurable is the best way to word it. I have done it before, but it has been 2.5 years or so and I don't miss it at all. I have been tested for low T, a few years ago when I was with someone who suggested that and I tested within the normal range for someone my age. The doctor said some people just have lower libidos.

I'm always very upfront about it when I meet someone I am interested in but it has still caused relationship attempts to end (even after being upfront). The most common thing I've been told is "I didn't think it would be this hard" or "I just don't feel like you find me attractive". It's hard to express to someone that you do find them very attractive but you just aren't interested in sex (even if they knew upfront, it is hard to explain or for them to comprehend).

I think you need to be way more specific to navigate the issue.

If you were a doctor you might be touching your patients to provide medical treatments. With a relationship you'd be touching them to express affection. Does that seem like an ineffective way to express affection? Is there something specific about it that you find unpleasant? Even if its "I don't like the texture of other people's skin..." Or "So far anything sexual I have tried has been painful."

 

[72-Jay]

I've never done anything sexual so really can't comment on that...
But (just by thought/feeling) I'd be fine in a relationship that was boyfriends? love? (whatever the word is) without the sex part.

 

[bankside]

Thanks everyone, this is helpful.

Bankside, it doesn't hurt nor is it painful in anyway. I just don't enjoy it and don't find it pleasurable is the best way to word it. I have done it before, but it has been 2.5 years or so and I don't miss it at all. I have been tested for low T, a few years ago when I was with someone who suggested that and I tested within the normal range for someone my age. The doctor said some people just have lower libidos.

I'm always very upfront about it when I meet someone I am interested in but it has still caused relationship attempts to end (even after being upfront). The most common thing I've been told is "I didn't think it would be this hard" or "I just don't feel like you find me attractive". It's hard to express to someone that you do find them very attractive but you just aren't interested in sex (even if they knew upfront, it is hard to explain or for them to comprehend).

I think you are definitely right to be up front about it. And I believe you could probably find someone compatible. But the vast vast majority of people enjoy the physical sensations of sexual and sensual contact, and they also use those gestures as a way to express and demonstrate their affection for someone. Most people will find it difficult to understand that you have sincere affection for them if you do not express it physically. When you care about someone or are interested in them, what do you do to express it that does feel natural and enjoyable?

 

[eastofeden]

A sexless relationship would not work for me but that is just me...you will probably find someone who is also asexual along the way if you stay true to yourself and are upfront about who you are and what you like.

If you spend your time single developing a great relationship with yourself you will find it easier to attract a suitable partner if that is what you desire. Instead of thinking about their reaction...figure out what you DO bring to the table...what you have to offer...

 

[TX-Beau]

I don't understand what you mean by intimacy? For me intimacy is a kind of foreplay, it may not always be immediate foreplay, but it definitely ignites the fires so to speak.

I guess that I think a sexless relationship is a friendship, so I'm not quite sure how to call it a "relationship" without the sexual attraction.

 

[USER95125]

By intimate I mean I like to do things like cuddle, kiss, even cuddle naked (things I wouldn't do with someone that is just a friend). But anything beyond that has no appeal and doesn't offer any pleasure.

I think you are definitely right to be up front about it. And I believe you could probably find someone compatible. But the vast vast majority of people enjoy the physical sensations of sexual and sensual contact, and they also use those gestures as a way to express and demonstrate their affection for someone. Most people will find it difficult to understand that you have sincere affection for them if you do not express it physically. When you care about someone or are interested in them, what do you do to express it that does feel natural and enjoyable?

 

[layton]

I've heard of and I've had a friend who was in a fuckless relationship, but they still had oral sex, so I don't think that qualifies, as long as both partners are happy, then who am I to judge. Happiness is the key to every relationship.

 

[bankside]

By intimate I mean I like to do things like cuddle, kiss, even cuddle naked (things I wouldn't do with someone that is just a friend). But anything beyond that has no appeal and doesn't offer any pleasure.

Well, we live in a culture that puts sexuality at the heart of the idealised relationship. For people who don't connect to that intuitively, the assumption that sex should be a part of every relationship doesn't explain it any more clearly.

Which means when you say "it's hard to explain or for them to comprehend" I understand your frustration, because now that I think about it, it is just as difficult for me to explain to you why I think sexual contact is so important to my relationship and my ability to express affection for my guy. Or why other people think the same way.

You may notice on here that there are a lot of people who want sexual contact without any affection or cuddling or kissing or anything to do with a relationship. That seems just as foreign to me, and I also struggle to understand their point of view or explain my own. Your situation seems like the reverse of that; all affection but no sexual contact, thanks…

Anyway I find it interesting that people can be so different and though your point of view seems rare, I sincerely doubt you are alone.

 

[Seasoned]

There seems to be a growing need for the understanding of asexuality. Here's a starting point.

http://www.asexuality.org/home/

 

[Telstra]

I'm curious if anyone has ever tried sexless relationships? I've found that I really don't like sex, I may possibly even be asexual. But when I try to explain that to someone I am almost always told "you just haven't been with the right person yet". I figure I am almost 30 years old and if I have never enjoyed sex with men or women. Is it possible to be in a relationship without sex? Intimacy is great, but as you know intimacy and sex are not the same thing and I only like the intimacy portion and would like it to end there. Is it possible to have a relationship that includes intimacy but not sex, has anyone ever tried...

Question:
How do you cum and how often?
Cum is about sex too.

 

[maxpowr9]

On the flip-side, it should be said that sex isn't an ends to a means. If someone wants to break up with you because you are not really interested in sex, there are deeper problems than that in the relationship.

 

[Brian Smith]

The level of heat is going to vary from one relationship to another. In my last relationship, we cuddled all day long, but we only had sex something like monthly. When he did, it was hot and rough. The one I'm with now has a bit of satyriasis, and we sometimes go several times a day. I just adapted. No big.

To me, being able to adapt well to my partner is a matter of my own self-respect. I guess that's just the standard on which I measure myself. All I really want out of a relationship is the affection. Just petting and cuddling are a sufficiency for me. I would be alright with a lover who wanted only that. If my lover wants to fuck me three times a day, that's not putting me too much out of my way.

Six times daily was where I kind of drew the line. I was going to lose my mind.

Anyway, you have to make sacrifices for love. Someday, you might have to try to get yourself to appreciate sex to keep a good lover. However, who knows? Maybe you'll get lucky and find another partner who is like you. However, just as sure as you find a lover who is compatible with your sexuality, he'll have some other quirk that is just too much for you to learn to live with.

I've heard of healthy relationships that were essentially sexless, but they were relationships in which the partners in question were willing to work with each other on other things. They were willing to go along with things that they weren't really into just to see their partner's face light up. To me, that's part of what love is about.

Anyway, good luck finding what you are looking for.

 

[USER95125]

WOW -- There is a lot of great information on here, thanks for sharing! Too bad there are not more studies on asexuality, but like the site says, you have to start somewhere.

There seems to be a growing need for the understanding of asexuality. Here's a starting point.

http://www.asexuality.org/home/

 

[USER95125]

Not very often, maybe once every 3-5 months.

Question:
How do you cum and how often?
Cum is about sex too.