Sexual frustration...

[out1979]

I would like community’s thoughts on my dilemma….. I’ve been in a relationship with my man for almost a year now. I love and I would do anything for him. We've never had a fight and we get along on almost everything except for the whole anal sex thing. We have not had any kind of anal sex since we met. By nature I’m a top. He is supposed to be a bottom. Well, from what he has told me. I figured we would not jump right into that in the begging but after almost a year?

I’ve tried several times to bring up the subject of topping and bottoming but he just does not want to go there. I usually get a “huh” or another one word answer. He does not say no he just shrugs it off. He is older than me which could play into it. Does that kind of thing slow down or stop when you get older? I’m 28 and he is 35.

Anyway, to make a long story short what can I do? I’m not the type of guy to go look for a random hookup on CL or something like that. Then again my urge to top is getting worse and worse every time we have sex. I would like to do it with him.

Thoughts?

 

[mbamike]

Sex in a relationship is too important to not discuss when one partner is not fulfilled. One word answers and shrugs don't cut it!

Tell him straight out that you two need to have a talk about your sex life. Be caring and nonjudgmental. Let him know that you care about him too much to allow something to come between you.

 

[Seasoned]

It's up to each couple to navigate their own idea of a sex life. That's the beauty of a gay relationship. I don't equate top or bottom with anal sex only. There are couples who don't do anal. As was already mentioned this is something the two of you have to discuss.

Is there passion between the two of you? Do you just fall into the same pattern all the time? I would imagine that passion and some sexual urgency would get him hot enough to push limits. Is there anal play? Do you shower together and wash his butt?

Thirty-five is not a slow down time for guys unless there are issues like high blood pressure or diabetes. Does he have a healthy sexual response?

Some guys don't like anal. Do you fuck his mouth? You could thigh fuck him, or fuck his hands to get him used to you humping.

I'm really not expecting answers and this all can be very personal. My partner and I have been together over 25 years. I am open to a private message if you'd like. Btw, no ulterior motives here.

 

[HornyHenry]

Fore some reason he wont give-up his ass. Hope he is sucking you or you are fucking his mouth regularly, that's the least he could do. After almost a year he owes you a piece of his ass.

 

[out1979]

Thanks for the responses! I really appreciate it.

There is passion between us and he does have a good sexual response but I seem to be the one that starts things off mostly. He rarely goes down on me on his own. I have to ask most times. (I know that is another potential issue that may need some work)

I'm going to see if I can talk to him some more about our sex life and see what I can get out of him. This is really the only thing about our relationship that could use a tweak or two. I'm not about to give up!

 

[Hot White Trash]

I wish ya luck but you have to find out whether the sex problem is masking some other issue. Its good that he is old enough to be mature about sex and relationships because a younger person would just kill the whole deal rather than confront a sexual problem. I say this because it happened to me pretty much as you describe.

I was dating a guy who I really liked but the sex was just awful. So I just didn't want to do it and when he tried to talk to me about it I blew him off b/c I didn't want to hurt his feelings (he used teeth for oral and was a dead fish as a bttm). I decided we might as well just be friends.

So I think something about sex is bothering your bf. It may be he has insecurities about something.

 

[hylas]

id ask why he isnt willing to talk about the subject. if he still stays mute, or if he does talk and reveals that hes not into anal sex, id break up with him. easy guys, keep your pitchforks to yourselfs, im just saying what i would do. i think if youre into anal, you wont be satisfied with a partner whos not willing to do anal, simple as that.

 

[KaraBulut]

A relationship should not be dependent upon any particular sexual act.

However the issue here is not sex (or the absence thereof). The issue is the lack of communication.

If your boyfriend doesn't want to do a particular sex act, that's fine. But his inability to talk to you about it or give reasons why are not a good thing.

Have the discussion with him. Tell him that this is something that you want to do with him. Don't allow him to evade or "huh?" his way out of having a conversation about a serious subject.

If he can't have an honest conversation and explain why his sexual menu seems to be a little thin, then you should consider ending the relationship. You're young. You should be with someone who can meet your needs and be able to communicate with you about issues in the relationship.

 

[rareboy]

If he can't have an honest conversation and explain why his sexual menu seems to be a little thin, then you should consider ending the relationship. You're young. You should be with someone who can meet your needs and be able to communicate with you about issues in the relationship.

Repeated for emphasis.

 

[hylas]

kara, i very much agree with all the communication stuff. but ...

A relationship should not be dependent upon any particular sexual act.
(...)
If your boyfriend doesn't want to do a particular sex act, that's fine.

i have issues with this. fact: some guys are totally into anal (and thats totally fine). fact: some guys are totally not into anal (and thats totally fine, too). me thinks: guys from the first group should not date people from the second group. seriously, sexual fulfilment is such an important component in a romantic relationship (at least it is for me)... why would you date a guy who has completely incompatible needs?

 

[Lefty]

Or maybe you are just a lousy fuck and he loves you too much to just say so

because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings or maybe his testosterone needs

a boost.

 

[altlover85]

If you were a lousy fuck, you deserve someone who will address that with some maturity. I wouldn't worry about if you were a lousy fuck or not (because if he can't tell you then really what's there for you?) and instead try and bring it up in conversation like others have said.

 

[KaraBulut]

kara, i very much agree with all the communication stuff. but ...

A relationship should not be dependent upon any particular sexual act.
(...)
If your boyfriend doesn't want to do a particular sex act, that's fine.

i have issues with this. fact: some guys are totally into anal (and thats totally fine). fact: some guys are totally not into anal (and thats totally fine, too). me thinks: guys from the first group should not date people from the second group. seriously, sexual fulfilment is such an important component in a romantic relationship (at least it is for me)... why would you date a guy who has completely incompatible needs?

Normally we don't do a lot of back and forth between people responding to posts (since it tends to detract from the OP's original question) but since you end with a good question that would be of value for OP...

If you read through these forums, you'll find that there are plenty of perfectly healthy relationships where guys are oral-only, handjob-only, the same person always tops or bottoms, etc. And there are successful relationships where sex is a very low priority in the relationship.

There's a lot of variation in what is considered normal but the common thing is that these couples- together - found a place in their relationship where they are comfortable and happy.

The apparent issue with OP is that he's frustrated with his partner. But the undercurrent in the relationship is that his partner doesn't seem particularly interested in OP's needs. And they haven't had a really honest conversation about it.

I don't know that the partner has incompatible needs. The issue is that none of knows that the partner's needs are because he's not sharing them.

And that lack of communication and lack of willingness to talk about it is often the fatal flaw in any relationship.