Sexuality vs Romance (My boyfriend is boring in bed v2)

[Quacktastic]

So, first off, apologies if I'm very grumpy/self-pitying in this thread. My eczema is bad, I haven't got enough sleep, and I'm in a quite depressed state of mind at the moment. So I thought it would be best to write this all down, and organise my thoughts, so I can figure out what the next step is, if even there is a next step. Feel free to input if you want, for some reason I have this internal logic which says that posting here is the most appropriate thing to do.

Enough avoiding the issue.

I've been going out with Gary (he is not actually called that) for more than a year now. He's kind, loving, always listens to me, we have a nice time together, I pretty much always enjoy his company. I really care about him a lot. I feel so happy when he holds me, and the romantic elements of the relationship are really good. But then there's the sexual side of the relationship. Or the lack thereof. Basically, it is got to the point where neither of us really try any more. When he makes sexual advances on me, it is just kind of awkward. For example, humping my leg or grabbing my hand and putting on his crotch, and expected me to respond.

So, list of sexual problems I guess:

1) I'm pretty sexually submissive. I'm really turned on by BDSM-related shenanigans and I do want to experience more of it. However, Gary isn't that into it. Our first meeting was actually through a kink site and I had a pretty good, kinky time with him. However, we kept meeting up and into the relationship we got more emotionally connected but less sexual interested, and he hasn't got out the wrist/ankle restraints.

2) Gary, well, he isn't very good in bed. His idea of sex is just lying there and expecting me to pleasure him. Don't get me wrong, I like sucking cock and much as the next guy, but there really isn't any feedback apart from the occasional moaning. It's just very dull.

3) I'm at the point where a big part of me wants to sexually experiment with other guys. Preferably multiple. With black boots. Ordering me to lick them. (Or something...)

So there's two conflicting trails of thought here. Part of me wants to be "free" and sexually experiment blah blah, while at the same I really care for Gary. I like cuddling with him, complaining about politics with him, he's really a special guy. I don't know if fundamentally the sexual problems in our relationship can be resolved, if they should, what exactly I want. I don't know if I want excitement or a relationship like the one I'm in.

I don't bloody know anymore. It's frustrating because I feel like I didn't make the effort early on in the relationship to really make our sexual life any good.

Feel free to comment if you wish.

And I got a job offer last Thursday in my local authority. I've done work experience there, and it's great, so I'm looking forward to starting that. So don't feel too sorry for me.

 

[Brian Smith]

I would consider getting a few books on sex. You really can't be creative in bed without getting a few inputs on the subject.

Now, there are a few different schools of thought on swinging. I don't know what most people's opinions are on it here, but I have heard of some experts claiming that there is potential for the practice of "swinging" to improve a relationship, assuming both partners are on-board with it and they go into it with ground rules.

If it gets too bad, you could try seeing an LGBT-friendly marital counselor.

 

[sixthson]

Some people seem to be natural born lovers. The minority, I suspect. The rest have to be taught.

Have you told him what you want and like?

 

[Durango95]

I didn't see the word love, referring to you, in your post at all. I mean I care about the plight of the manatees. I don't love them. More than a year would warrant at least I really really really like him. It seems to me you already know the answer to this query. You just don't want to act on it. Some people just aren't sexually compatible. It seems like you want to have a good time and he's not the one you want to have it with.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

Reality isn't always as fun as it appears to be in porn. Perhaps he's teachable, and you can explain/show him what it is you like.

It also kinda sounds like you have a Madonna/Whore complex going, where you either want the domestic life, or the wild side of things ? ... again... maybe he's teachable? Maybe he can fulfill both roles in your life.

 

[Quacktastic]

Have you told him what you want and like?

He knows that I'm interested in SM and like, but I suppose I haven't made it clear how much importance I put on it.

I don't really know why I find it difficult to talk about. In the beginning e were very open and frank about ti, but the sexual side of as I said just melted away.

On the subject of swinging/open relationships I know he's against that.

I didn't mention the words "I love him" but I guess I felt that that concept is a subjective one, and you know, whether I say it here or not doesn't make any difference. I do, but you know, you can choose to believe that or not.

 

[Rolyo85]

Meh, there's so much awkwardness our culture associates with sex, that we often find it hard to talk about.

Yet, if you actually care about him to the point where you really want to be with him, then you need to sit him down, and tell him honestly that you are not satisfied with what's happening in bed between you two. Be open about your wants and needs, and see where that leads you. Make it clear that it's gotten to the point where you just aren't happy with the relationship without this element.

And believe me - there is absolutely NO shame in dropping a relationship because of the sex element. Sexual chemistry is the foundation of a romantic relationship. Otherwise, everyone would be falling for everyone else - gay guys for girls, straight guys for guys etc. Whether both of you want it mild, or don't want it at all, or want to be fisted nightly, BOTH of you need to be on the same page as far as sex is concerned, or at least on the same chapter. It sounds to me like the two of you aren't even on the same book here. And that is a problem.

However, if you love the guy, you will try to resolve that problem. Think carefully about what you need and what you can compromise with. Then sit him down and be open about it. If he isn't willing to try or says he will but ends up changing nothing, I would recommend you just terminating the relationship.

 

[Seasoned]

It's a communication thing and I also believe it's a falling in love thing. He may be operating from the standpoint that kinky sex is for hook ups. Keep the communication open and ask for what you need. Needs are different than wants. It's important to get what you need.

 

[kindabikindagay]

I think you need to talk to this 'Gary' because it's never good in a relationship when you're not honest.. You need to be honest that you don't like it when you have to do all the work also if he gets mad or upset try to calm him down.. but I think talking to your partner and finding a mutual understanding is best.. and also don't under any circumstances experiment with other guys unless he knows about it.. it will do much more harm than you might think.. Idk.. good luck is all I can say

 

[Quacktastic]

Thanks for the responses.

I had my rant, and I'm a bit happier because of that. A good old whine is always satisfying. And no, I still don't know what I want as such, but ultimately ranting on the internet isn't going to change that. I guess I have to decide what I want somehow, and then let him know. Blame youth - I'm only 20 after all.

And no, I wouldn't cheat on Gary.

 

[kindabikindagay]

don't decide on your own and just tell him in the end.. it really sucks when that happens.. think of it from his point of view he might think things are going just fine and then boom all of a sudden you're 'all this isn't working'.. what I'm trying to say is.. work it out together and find a mutual understanding

 

[bankside]

If you like submissiveness, aren't you supposed to enjoy it if he just wants to lie back and give him pleasure? If you're submissive, isn't it your job to make sure he gets what he wants? If I were Gary I would be annoyed that you want to lick the boots. If I had boots, I think I'd actually throw them out until my boy learned to do vanilla properly, because you have to earn the right to lick the boots.

 

[Brian Smith]

Well, I'm a little bit of a "light D/s bottom," and I find that I am really the chief source of energy in that role.

I go to the trouble of maintaining a smooth and youthful appearance, and this involves actually having open conversations with my hair stylist about the effect I am looking for. In my antics and teasing, I have to strike that delicate balance between being "enticing" and being "annoying," so I can maintain that aggression and energy I like in the bedroom without getting my partner so wound-up and pissed-off he just calls it quits. When I have some time alone, I practice a lot on how to move my body in ways that might get the reaction that I am looking for, and it almost turns into some kind of weird home-made "yoga."

Now, on the antics and teasing, this is really dangerous territory. The realm of "cute" is very close to the realm of "annoying." If you cross over into "annoying," that doesn't just imperil your sex life, but it puts a strain on the relationship. If you can get into that delicate state of balance, though, you can work out some harmless hijinks that will get your partner to where, when he has a chance, he will think, "alright, I'm going to get that little punk, and I'm going to laugh about it." I just wouldn't get too bold too quick. It's something you learn, and you have to have a talent for it.

But the main thing is that, if you are intent on doing any kind of D/s play, you really have to bust your ass to make it fun for your partner. I have never gotten half out of D/s play that I invested in it, and I wouldn't want to. I do it, first and foremost, to please my partner and to make our sex life interesting for him. In a way, I think of him like my kid. I feel like I have a duty to take care of him. I see it as my responsibility to make things fun.

Really, I don't even think of it as D/s play anymore, but it's just part of the character of our sex life. We used to play a little bit with ropes and blindfolds, but they've been stored away in the toy chest for about a year now. If we ever find things getting dull, we might pull them back out, but our roles in the relationship are pretty well established at this point. They just seem silly at this point.

 

[Quacktastic]

I didn't even realize there were additional posts here.

I don't really have a whole lot additionally to say. I am still conflicted, this forum has served as a outlet for my self-indulgent ranting. I only say I will figure what I want and tell him because I don't know what to say to him, how to articulate it because I don't know how I feel. However, if I do decide what that is an ultimate relationship killer, I may do that. Not to say I will do that, but I'm saying it is possible and it is my right to do so.

What I need to do now is a lot of soul-searching.

 

[franklinP]

Sex is an integral part of every relationship. Love and lust usually goes hand in hand. Make him understand that you just don't want it but you need it but do not push him too hard give him enough time to decide and do not argue with him about this. The more you push it the more he would not like it. There are books or videos that probably you can show him. Ask him to give it a try but tell him also that you are not being pushy.

 

[eastofeden]

I would talk to him about it and tell him what your fantasies are. They are part of you and if the relationship is to continue you will need to be able to explore this...perhaps in fantasy if not reality.

 

[jarib1]

In a relationship it takes two to tango always.

That is very true.

 

[Rolyo85]

Dude, whoever you are, pick one nickname, and post from that only. Stop spamming the forum.

 

[TX-Beau]

If you like submissiveness, aren't you supposed to enjoy it if he just wants to lie back and give him pleasure? If you're submissive, isn't it your job to make sure he gets what he wants? If I were Gary I would be annoyed that you want to lick the boots. If I had boots, I think I'd actually throw them out until my boy learned to do vanilla properly, because you have to earn the right to lick the boots.

Made me laugh.