Should I ask for an open(ish) relationship?

[TheWolf]

Hey

First time here and I need some advice, this has been going round in my head for a few weeks and I need to get it out.

My boyfriend and I have a fantastic life together, I love him with all my heart, and I know he loves me. I cannot imagine my life without him, we have lots of plans for the future together and I can't ever imagine myself falling in love with anyone else. We have been together six years now but the sex has dried up - neither of us initiate it any more but honestly it doesn't feel like its a problem. Non-sex wise we are both just as into each other as we always have been been - at least I am, I can't speak for him but I think that we are both on the same page in that sense.

We both watch porn (sometimes together) and we do have sex occasionally, but the sex we have isn't exciting to me any more - we have tried somethings to spice it up but they haven't really worked. We have spoken about what we both like and have visited a cruise club together (that was lots of fun) but our taste in sex is different, I'm into the dom/sub scene as a dom and he isn't.

I fantasise about finding a sub to play with - I haven't got any real experience of playing dom/sub in real life and I want some - maybe I'll find out that it isn't quite as fun in real life as i fantasise it is, so I guess where I am is I am thinking about an open relationship of sorts. It worries me though that this may be the end of our relationship if I bring it up and what it means that I'm even thinking about it.

So I guess I want to know from you guys - how do I go about asking for an open(ish) relationship, I say open(ish) because I don't just want a random hook up for regular sex I want to find a sub to play with. He of course may want something different all together.

 

[Seasoned]

I suggest you get into couple counseling. Long term relationships sometimes require a tune-up, because behaviors become patterns. Unless there are medical reasons or body image issues there's no reason sex needs to dry up.

There are Jubbers who are in open relationships as are there those who are adamantly against them, oftentimes with no experience, just beliefs.

The bottom line is that we are free to define our relationships anyway we like as long as we are doing it with other consenting adults.

You have to know yourself. I've been with my husband for almost 34 years. An open relationship would never have worked for us because we'd be likely to become emotionally involved with sex partners or become compulsive in seeking sex partners.

I'd start with your significant other. Talk to him. Get yourselves to a therapist and work on getting sex back into your relationship. He may even be willing to role play.

Best wishes.

 

[BiMeGuy]

If you really want to make an open relationship work; you must have complete honesty with each other, have no jealousy, and one must always be safe.

 

[mcbrion]

If your sexual 'tastes' are different, what held you together sexually the first six years? There's no reason, if it was satisfying for both of you, that suddenly it should go out the window.
People like to say that sex dies down after the first few years. That may be partially true, but what is more true is that people stop paying attention to each other. They drift away in intimate ways.
Seasoned's suggestion is the wisest. The physical passion doesn't just disappear. Given you're still crazy in love with each other, it would behoove you to find out what has changed in your sexual energies towards each other.

 

[KaraBulut]

There's another recent thread where a member had a similar situation that you might also read through:
Cheating

I think that we are both on the same page in that sense.

Seasoned is pointing you to the most important thing: Talk to him. You both need to know what page you're on.

So I guess I want to know from you guys - how do I go about asking for an open(ish) relationship, I say open(ish) because I don't just want a random hook up for regular sex I want to find a sub to play with. He of course may want something different all together.

I'd start with your significant other. Talk to him. Get yourselves to a therapist and work on getting sex back into your relationship. He may even be willing to role play.

Other things to think about- and reasons why you should consider working through this in couple's therapy:

• There was an old thread on this forum where someone defined cheating as "If you're doing it behind each other's back, then you're cheating". However, just because you're being honest with other, it doesn't necessarily mean that one or both of you has worked through the feeling that you're cheating.
• Jealousy is very hard to avoid. No matter how "open" the relationship is, you still have to deal with jealousy.
• It's tough to have these discussions without it coming across as, "You're not giving me what I need, so I'm going to get it elsewhere." And, to be honest, sometimes that is the issue that you have to deal with in therapy before you go down the open relationship path.

 

[recuerdeme]

Open communication about the status of your relationship is the first thing you should attempt. Don't bring up opening the relationship until you talk about your needs and his needs.

Case in point: I've been with my partner for about 4 years and I've always been the top... well one night he wanted to top and I obliged ..and I still do ever so often because I want to keep him happy and it doesn't put me off.

TALK WITH HIM!

BUT... if you really want to dive into the deep end with s/m or bondage or whatever, with a 100% sub; you should brace yourself b/c that might be too much... it certainly would be too much for me lol

 

[bankside]

Never had an open relationship but I am absolutely sure, from experience, that an open relationship will not fix problems if they are already there.

The best reason to get into one is because all three of you think it's hot and sexy and fun. "Hey Things have dried up so do you mind if I go elsewhere??" is not a good sign. But "Hey i get horny all the time thinking we could both get with the same guy. Wiuld It! Turn you in to join in? To watch? To hear about it after?" If So then maybe you're getting somewhere.

 

[TX-Beau]

An Open Relationship will not fix problems that are already there. Most open relationships fail because guys go into them thinking the sex was the problem.

Before you do anything rash, go get some couple's counseling just in case.

Also, thinking about seeing your guy fucking someone else, is NOT THE SAME THING as seeing it in reality. Be SURE as you can that you aren't going to have a problem with that.