Should I ask my boyfriend to cheat on me?

[urbanennui]

So I've been growing slightly bored (sexually) and I want to really try some "out of the box" stuff with my boyfriend, but he's largely against it. I suggested a threesome, and he said no because he couldn't share me with someone else. And I'm fine with that, so I let it go. But I find recently that I really get off on the thought of him cheating on me. I have no desire to cheat on him (we've been together 3 years and live together), but I think I actually want him to cheat on me, with or without my permission. But considering how he was against a threesome, I'm afraid that this suggestion would compromise our relationship, even if only slightly. Or maybe there's the possibility that he would say yes, since I wouldn't be the one having sex with someone else. This cheating fetish seems like such a weird situation, and I'm not sure if I should even suggest it, but the thought of me hiding in the closet when he brings someone over and I can watch them while they have sex gets me really excited. I'm not sure what I should do.

 

[JohnstonKommer]

Voyeurism isn't that bizarre, especially when you're attracted to someone so closely.

So you want to spice it up, and he's possessive (and jealous?). He might not want to cheat on you just like you don't want to with him. Is there anything you haven't tried? Something you could do to spice things up without adding outsiders?

Honestly if you two are that close, you should be able to talk about it.

 

[nfgrls]

one of the best things that my partner and I have ever done is finding another couple to play with .. At first I wasnt so sure about it because I can be jealous but the partners thing really helps.

 

[Seasoned]

My partner and I favor monogamy and have used role play and phone sex to spice things up. Swinging isn't for everyone.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Cheating? Or you just like the idea of wanting your boyfriend to have sex with someone else? There's a difference. Cheating implies a kind of betrayal.

 

[urbanennui]

Cheating? Or you just like the idea of wanting your boyfriend to have sex with someone else? There's a difference. Cheating implies a kind of betrayal.

Hmm...well cheating is kind of part of it because I feel like I kind of want him to do it without my permission. But I definitely don't want our relationship to end. So I suppose to that end, I want him to have sex with someone else, and with my permission. So not cheating. Do you think that's how I should bring it up to him? Tbh, I like to probe him on occasion with questions about his sexual experiences with other guys he's been with, and he never likes to talk about it. He wants his exes in the past, which I understand, but I really do get off on imagining him havibg sex with other people.

 

[DeadRussianSpaceMonkey]

Just talk to him about it?
It's not weird- Just different. See if he'd mind you sharing him with someone else.

Do you think you'd be open to him eventually wanting an open relationship, but only on his end, and not yours?

I'm also- Kind of curious how you'd feel if he told you that he cheated on you already after bringing this up. If it would alter your mind set on things. (Off topic, I know.) Sexually open people, always raise my curiosity.

 

[urbanennui]

Well, that's part of my concern. Up to now, we've both been pretty monogamously-minded people. And even then, I'm the only one who wants to change anything. So he may react very badly, so I'm unsure how to approach him about it, you know?

I would not want an open relationship in the regard that he would start dating or picking up other guys on a regular basis. That would bother me because in that case he might as well not even have me around anymore. That's not something I want at all. I would want to have more control over the situation, though not necessarily to the level where I would be choosing his sexual partner. But I would need to know who the person is, when it would be happening, and, if he and the other person were comfortable, I would be allowed to watch.

If he tells me that he already cheated on me, I think that I would at first feel very excited and that I would get off on knowing that he did. After that, I would feel a little upset, but I would certainly forgive him. I've already thought about him cheating on me and how I would react if i found out, and it brings a certain level of excitement. Which is weird. I'm already too devoted to him to dump him for cheating on me, especially since I now, for some reason, want him to. And besides, I highly doubt that he has already cheated on me, since he's had little opportunity to do so. Although I do wonder sometimes why he keeps his iPhone locked and why I can never get to it. Maybe that's part of what's fueling my fantasy?

 

[DeadRussianSpaceMonkey]

So he may react very badly, so I'm unsure how to approach him about it, you know?

You might want to just want to re-assure him that you are happy with how things are right not, but you still think it could be a lot of fun to experiment together in this kind of way. For him to think about it, I'd also let him know that it's also okay- If he isn't up for something like this either. & If he loves you, he should overlook the suggestion if he's not on board.

& If it pans out- I would make clear the ground rules, see how it goes if he is on board. Discuss it, and go from there.

Thanks, for your response back as well. I was going to write a bit more back, but it's late. Maybe tomorrow.

 

[urbanennui]

I would definitely need to make it clear that I'm happy the way things are, and he knows that anyway. But we really haven't done a lot of experimentation anyway, so this might seem like a huge leap to take, hence my concern about how he'll react. I can only hope that he is able to overlook it in case he's not on board, because if he doesn't, I will severely regret even mentioning it.

If you have more to say, please, I'd love to hear it. I think this discussion is helping, but I still have yet to decide whether I ask him to do this for me.

 

[ben9651]

Am I the only one here that thinks its WRONG?!
I mean , if ur in a relationship with someone .. Why would you wanna hook up with someone else?! becuz ur bored with sex? SO WHAT?!
Relationships are about loving one another(i`m assuming that u love him),and even if you do find someone else attractive.. that doesnt mean that you should act on it .. sometimes you just have to accept every situation and just live with it.

 

[MMMonsterBoy]

Well you say you don't want to open the relationship up, but maybe that is what you need to aim at? How can you give him permission to cheat when cheating is betrayal without your consent? An open relationship would have it so that he can hook up with another guy, and you can get off on that. Maybe you should discuss ground rules with him about hooking up with others? Like no making out, no cuddling....stuff that means a lot to your physical intimacy. I say all this because what you are describing is an open relationship, yet you claim not to want one.

So far I get that you two have different extremes on intimacy, as he (just from your OP) seems to be one extreme of monogamy while you appear to be at the opposite end. Just tell him you want to spice things up. He may not be willing to hook up with another guy, but maybe you two should try other ways that make both of you comfortable.

 

[MoltenRock III]

Be careful what you wish for. You might just get it.

 

[DigitalFudge]

Am I the only one here that thinks its WRONG?!

I literally busted out loling.

I mean , if ur in a relationship with someone .. Why would you wanna hook up with someone else?! becuz ur bored with sex? SO WHAT?!
Relationships are about loving one another(i`m assuming that u love him),and even if you do find someone else attractive.. that doesnt mean that you should act on it .. sometimes you just have to accept every situation and just live with it.

Agree with the rest.


@ OP at the end of the day it sounds like you just want something hot and exciting. Just tell him that and make sure he knows it involves him.

If he loves you he will make the effort to make you happy.

All this debauchery is not necessary.

 

[rareboy]

Are you actually only looking for permission to cheat on your boyfriend, so by giving him permission to cheat, you are simply giving yourself permission to cheat.

 

[Audio Tech]

I'm just surprised to read this. Here we constantly complain that gay guys just want hookups or do nothing BUT cheat, and now when 2 guys actually ARE in a stable relationship someone complains about THAT.

I'd give my left nut to find someone that wants ONLY me.

Go have sex on a rooftop or out in the woods to spice things up. Get creative!

What you want is none of my business, but I just shake my head reading this. Why are we NEVER satisfied?

 

[MoltenRock III]

Why are we NEVER satisfied?

Thus is the human condition. I too felt as you until I was at peace with that "inner voice".

 

[Kabluey]

Kind of sounds like your voicing something which is self-destructive as far as your relationship goes.
The reality of him 'cheating' on you probably won't sit as well with you as you imagine. If he's not comfortable with the idea then it seems unhealthy to push him that way for both of you.
If you're bored then mix it up a bit.

 

[urbanennui]

Just so you all know, I am plenty satisfied with my boyfriend. If I wanted to have sex with someone else, I would just go do it. Sure, it would be exciting, but I just don't have a strong enough desire to cheat on my boyfriend, I do love him, and I do think that cheating (without him knowing) is wrong. But I always get the suspicion that HE is the one who wants more. I don't think he really wants to settle for just me, I think he wants to have sex with other guys, just not in a threesome. And I've had a couple small indications that he actually was cheating (no hard evidence, so maybe it's just paranoia). As far as how that makes me feel, if he cheated because he wants something MORE, then I'm willing to give that to him and let him do it. And when I got those indications that he was cheating, I didn't get mad, I got excited, sexually excited, which is what instigated my posting in the first place. So perhaps he wants to keep me all to himself, but he still wants more guys on the side? And really, I want to keep him badly enough to let him do that. I still have not mentioned any of this to him and still don't know how he might react. Maybe if I actually did find out that he's already been cheating on me, I wouldn't even confront him and allow him to do whatever he wanted because I would still get off on it. But that day hasn't come yet, so we'll see.

 

[subsonic]

I'm just surprised to read this. Here we constantly complain that gay guys just want hookups or do nothing BUT cheat, and now when 2 guys actually ARE in a stable relationship someone complains about THAT.

I'd give my left nut to find someone that wants ONLY me.

Go have sex on a rooftop or out in the woods to spice things up. Get creative!

What you want is none of my business, but I just shake my head reading this. Why are we NEVER satisfied?

I couldn't agree more! I'm really surprised to read this post. We're constantly portrayed as a group of people who can't combine our sexuality and monogamy.
Personally I don't get it - but again, I guess I'm very old fashioned. To much so for the gay community it seems.

With that said, I would advise you to approach this topic very carefully. Really think it through. What might seems as a "hot" and "sexy" idea in your mind can turn out to be a possible ticking bomb. Maybe you will feel very different than what you'd expected and it could have a negative impact on your relationship if he finally did get together with another man.
You mentioned that you and your boyfriend hadn't experience that much with your sex life so I think it would be a good idea to start with this. Try out some new things - there are endless possibilities whether it is toys, costumes, role-playing or just a different location. If you still find the idea interesting, then take it up with him. But remember that he may not be up for it at all.

Good luck!