Should I be falling for him?

[Taz]

I really need some advice here because its tearing my mind apart.

OK, So i met this guy about 3 weeks ago. We spent a few days together and we really liked each other, so we started sleeping together. Initially I was playing it a bit guarded because I didn't want to get in too deep. But now It's changed.

We spend a LOT of time together, I love spending time with him. I look forward to it when I'm not with him, and its all I want to be doing when I am with him. The thing is a couple of days ago he told me he was falling for me, and I kinda realised, I'm not falling for him. I mean I really like him, I love hugging him at night and waking up to him in the morning. he makes me happy. But I dont feel like I'm falling for him or, I dunno what you'd call it.

I brought it up with him and he said if I don't feel that way then maybe we shouldn't continue seeing each other, because he wants to be with someone who feels the same way as him...

But should I feel that way? I've only known him less than a month, should i be falling for him? if im not will i start falling for him eventually? Can this be something that takes time? or should I just know?

It's so confusing because like I said I really like him. please help....

 

[DonQuixote]

Taz,
People come to things at different times.
My beginnings with my wife, all those many years ago, was less than what you might call love at first sight.

She didn't like me. She had the hots for a friend of mine, who had the hots for my next door neighbor. I was initially running interference.

Then things changed. We went together for 5 years before we got married. We've been married for coming up on 34 years. People said it wouldn't last 5 years.

Only you can answer that question.
I would say, given all that you've had on your plate, and been through this past year, it's not unreasonable to be more guarded.

You've only just come out, and then not even to your family, yet. Your last relationship was nice, and you had high hopes, then it fizzled - just as things were getting dicey back at the homestead w/ your mum and dad.

I was surprised when things kicked into high gear so quickly, particularly after the one date with the other guy.

Like I said, only you can really make that determination. While you're not head over heels with him, you enjoy him, a lot, and more than just in the lusty sense. If he truly wants to be with you, be part of the whole you, he will hopefully be able to understand why it may take you longer, and be willing to wait WITH you while things "age" a bit - like fine wines.

 

[DrewT90]

I agree with Don. You may grow to feel the same with a little more time. Not everyone falls so easily. I should know, it was hard for me. Only thing is you have to be careful when falling, you should always makes sure the person you're falling for is going to be there to catch you. Falling isn't so bad if that person feels the same way. Just put yourself in his shoes for a moment and imagine how he feels. I mean if you fall for someone who doesn't or can't feel the same, that is really hard.

In the end only you can know if you feel the same way he does. Nobody can make you something you don't.

 

[EJMichaels]

In addition to what they've all said, anything that happens in the first month or two may be misleading and not be what you need to make a decision. Even if you were both feeling exactly the same way, I'd want more time to pass to see if it holds up.

Personally, I've had too many four-year relationships to trust my thinking earlier than that, but that's a bit extreme.

 

[ben9651]

Less than a month and he`s already "in love" !
Nope , ur the "normal" one here . Love is huge.. it takes time..

 

[sixthson]

Falling? Don't get hung up on a word and analyze your new relationship to death. Just because you are not feeling something as strongly as he is doesn't mean there isn't something there, because you told us you do really like him. Just be honest with him and move along at your own pace. Don't feel pressured by that word to produce feelings. They will come on their own, if they are meant to.

 

[chance1]

"Falling" for someone is so up to the person saying it or hearing it

it doesn't always mean the same thing

simple stupid says spend time together (more than 1 month) and see what happens

words while well meaning can really screw some things up - interpretations and such

love that you're so honest/real - it's a great quality

but going with the flow at this stage is a better play

good luck

 

[TX-Beau]

Yeah I agree totally with Chance.

One of the biggest mistakes guys make is thinking that we all use those terms in the same way, with the same meaning.

It's been my experience that guys who fall in love with you that fast, aren't using that term the same way I do, and they can fall right out of love with you with the same ease.

I'm not like that, it takes me awhile to get there, but then I'm there for the long haul. I would never tell someone I was falling for them unless I'd known them a lot longer than less than a month, because I would not be able to make a decision about a guy in that short a time. It's simply too soon, and I don't care what the romantics say, real love takes longer.

So what do you do? This is a hard one - and why I think it's kinda rude when someone drops that on you then obviously wants a response - it's emotional extortion, you either tell him what he wants to hear, or you get the shit storm. There is usually no way to say something reasonable to one of these guys without him getting his feelings hurt.

Even though it's quite possible you're headed exactly where he says he is and just getting there more slowly because well, that's just you.

You're both still in the infatuation stage anyway - but of course DON'T say that to him, things always change once you get comfortable with each other, which is where the love begins - if you still want him around after he's left mountains of dirty dishes in the sink and won't put the DVDs back into their cases it's probably love.

In the meantime you're fighting a delaying action - every time he says that kiss him and tell him how hot you find him and if he persists in requiring an answer immediately, explain - carefully. Knowing going in to that conversation that it's likely that you two aren't a good fit.

Such is life. I suspect however that if that's you in your pic, he's not going anywhere anytime soon.

 

[Lefty]

I know you are sick of hearing from that insufferable old prig in California,
butt, at the risk of further estrangement I will over analogy this for you
as well. The analogy may be slightly offensive to some homosexuals. I
ask that one visualize the concepts not go word for word..

Love is a ridiculous word. Poor thing has been overworked, over used and
frightfully abused for years. There are as many meanings for LOVE as there
are colours on an artistes palette.

Glossing over most to bare examples of just 2.

I love you (like apples) Note, the apple starts from a flower and then a bee
comes along and fucks it. The apple developes. It ripens. It is desirable.
It is eaten or falls in to a rotten heap. The busy little bee looks for another
blossom. People call these experiences.

I love you (still apples,) pick the apple, make a pie or apple butter Lasts a
bit, sometimes longer than others. These can be short and sweet before
hitting a stale date or with apple butter even the jar eventually empties
People call these relationships...short intense or somewhat longer lasting.


I Love You (still apples) plant the seed, nurture the sapling, savor the smell
of the blossom and the fruit as it ripens. Make fresh apple pie/applebutter,
This time save the seeds and plant..with the remnants of the other as the
fertilizer to continue the cycle and enjoy the fruits of the original seed. That
young TAZ is a committed relationship. THE TREE not the apples.

Sadly, 50 plus % of the trees die. Explain to your Buddy Bee that the
two of you need a spring and some summer in your orchard way before
you plant a tree
.
We all need blossoms, we all (most) want our 'own' trees. Tell your
friend, like the tree...it takes time for LOVE to grow...Sorry, I am a mouthy
old fool. Good Luck.

 

[imxanemicroyalty]

I agree with what a lot of people have been saying. Give it time, and enjoy what you have right now instead of over-thinking it too much. Just make sure you guys keep communicating and are both open and honest about your emotions.

 

[Seasoned]

As I read what you described in your second paragraph I came to the conclusion that you were falling for him. I'm not sure how else I'd describe falling for someone other than missing them when I'm away from them and not second guessing myself when I am with them. In any case, he's on his way to wanting to call you boyfriend and it sounds like you're not ready to do the same.

 

[Kulindahr]

Lefty did a good job there.

My thought was that there are different kinds of flowers. In my mom's flower beds, which I tend, there are some that poke their little shoots out of the ground the moment the days start getting longer, turning from seed to sprout to stalk and by spring they've already sprung, providing color and delightful aromas. But there are others which wait until the risk of frost is gone, until there's as much daylight as dark, until the ground remains warm overnight, and then they tentatively put out a tiny cluster of leaves -- and no flower at all, just a root that builds and strengthens from those leaves, and the next year to the leaves they add a stalk, and finally the third year they explode into a riot of height and color.

Neither flower is better than the other, they're just different. The tragedy is that some people have had those second kind come up in their gardens, and not recognizing what they are, pulled them and tossed them with the weeds. They will never get the joy of seeing what those little clusters of leaves are aiming to become, if they just get a little nurture.

 

[Lefty]

Thank you Kuli...

Yours was much simpler (less chatty cathy) hence clearer. I think your

anlogy is one of the best I've come across and the summary among the

most insightful I am sure sixth son and Seasoned (both very wise and

experienced men in their own right} will agree.

TAZ, you and your 'friend' should read and discuss that post. JMHO

 

[Rolyo85]

People get to different points with different speed. You start with the liking to spend time together, and that lasts as long as it does. There are no rules on how it works. I too, like TX, take longer to really fall for someone, but then the feelings are made of steel.

That said, next time the issue arises, you just say "I really enjoy spending time with you, and I want to spend more and more time with you, but I don't want to label things just yet, because we've known each other for too short a period." That needs to be enough for him if he respects you. If he wants you to say that you love him, then that's a red flag for obsession and you need to be running away.


And something else - the first one or two months you are not dating the guy, you're dating your idealized idea of who he is. Once you realize he is an actual human being with actual flaws, THAT's when the deeper feelings could really develop.

 

[Kulindahr]

Thank you Kuli...

Yours was much simpler (less chatty cathy) hence clearer. I think your

anlogy is one of the best I've come across and the summary among the

most insightful I am sure sixth son and Seasoned (both very wise and

experienced men in their own right} will agree.

TAZ, you and your 'friend' should read and discuss that post. JMHO

Taz could write it on the inside of a big red heart card for the V day.



I think expecting both people's feelings to develop at the same rate is like expecting their dicks to be identical.

 

[Kabluey]

Aw Taz.

He sounds as keen as mustard. Might be the first time he's felt it so strong. And he might be feeling the sting of rejection and embarrassment now. He's left himself exposed to you.

Let him know that you've been hurt before and need time to know it's not just infatuation. You want to know that he still loves you even after learning some of the things about you that might annoy, irritate or distract him. And you want to know him better, know everything you can.

Have you told him how much you love spending time with him and look forward to him? Make sure you're not just talking him away.

Like the others said, it could grow from here for you, but you need time to be able to find that out and work on it. Early days ;-). I like Lefty's analogy.

Good luck

 

[Kulindahr]

Like the others said, it could grow from here for you, but you need time to be able to find that out and work on it. Early days ;-). I like Lefty's analogy.

Good luck

Except bees don't actually fuck flowers, it's more like madly making out.

 

[Kabluey]

Except bees don't actually fuck flowers, it's more like madly making out.

I'd have to look more closely.

 

[martin6]

Your feelings sound pretty familiar to me. That's how I am when dating someone. But when they put me in a corner and tell me they want a relationship with me right now I usually have to say goodbye, even if I like the guy. That stuff takes time, and I'm not willing to speed up my "feelings timetable."

So no, you shouldn't be falling for him. But if you do, that's okay and if you don't that's okay.

 

[HunterM]

When you get a new job, you are on probation for 3 months for your employer to evaluate whether to keep you or not. Same with relationship. If you two still like each other a lot after 3 months, then it's time to move to the next level.