Should I be frustrated that my FWB is sleeping with other men?

[CuriouslyFrustrated]

Hi all,

WARNING...this is long. Sorry in advance,

Longtime lurker. I met a man 2 years ago online. I was single, horny, and also looking forward to the chance of dating someone for possibly something more. When we first met, the intention was for sex, but I kept my mind open for the possibility of more if we hit it off. Well, we hit it off great, and we started seeing each other every week or every other week. We would go out and do things together, and then come back to his house for a romp in the sack. Afterwards, we'd have great bed-talk.

We saw each other so intermittently because (I thought) he was always, always traveling to a particular city in another state. He claimed he has good friends there and I accepted that as that.

Anyway, as it turns out, when I have sex with someone so many times, I start to get attached to them. I thought we were slowly building a solid friendship with sex, and was optimistic about what our friendship would grow into. I didn't see ANYONE else but him. I stopped going to the site where I met him, I stopped looking...I was satisfied with what I was building with him.

However, the issue (which I should have recognized as not a healthy situation from the get-go) was that I think I was clearly more into him than he was into me. I think he saw me as a friend who was attractive enough to have sex with. I saw him as a friend who I was attracted enough to have sex with, and was beginning to feel emotionally attached.

Anyway, 9 months into our "relationship", during one night, the opening of some event was happening, and he wanted me to go with him. He asked me to use his phone to take video of the opening ceremonies (I don't want to get too into detail here in case he somehow reads this), and I see texts start rolling in saying things like "I love you too baby! xoxo" "I miss you so much can't wait to see you soon xxx" etc. My heart immediately sank when I saw those texts rolling in. However, I also realized that when we had met, we did not meet with the intention to date. Just to have sex, have fun and see where we go. He never indicated wanting a relationship beyond that in his online profile, so I tried to convince myself not to be so upset about it. I had assumed we would be open to more (especially since he kept inviting me over for the next 9 months) and that was my bad. So, I didn't say anything that night and just tried to enjoy the rest of that night.

I slept over that night, and before he got in the shower I asked him if I could use his phone so I could send myself the videos I took. Now, here's where I know I crossed the line, but after I sent myself those videos, I looked through the texts that he was receiving from the night before. After reading through them, it was clearly his boyfriend who was long distance in that city my FWB always visits.

I had a mini panic attack episode there (I know, so dramatic, lol) because (1) The guy who I really, really liked was actually taken after being led to believe he wasn't; (2) *I* am the other guy if he's cheated. Was he cheating, or did they have an open relationship?? I didn't know, and I couldn't ask since I wasn't supposed to know about any of this to begin with and I wouldn't have known if I didn't breach his privacy and read those texts.

So, what did I do? I tried to convince myself it was an open relationship. My FWB is a good guy...he wouldn't be so slimy. So, I told myself that I can just accept him as a FWB and nothing more. He likes me enough to keep inviting me over on these dates, and I'll just enjoy this relationship for what it is.

So, throughout the next year, I started "joking" with him whenever he got a text or a phone call, or when he would tell me he was traveling out of town to that city again, by saying things like "Oh, that must be your boyfriend" or "Ah, so you're going to see your boyfriend again!" -- just to see his reaction. I thought we built up enough of a friendship where he could at least be honest with me, but he would always get nervous and laugh it off like I was being ridiculous. But one day, I finally just told him straight up I know he has a boyfriend, blahblahblah. I told him how I knew (yes, I admitted the text thing) and how I pieced together all his trips and his phone calls he'd always receive during our dates.

He apologized profusely about it and was saying he was just scared I'd get angry and want to stop seeing him. He ended up telling me they've been together for 8 years, he and his boyfriend do NOT have an open relationship, that he feels guilty about all this, but that he also knows his boyfriend is sleeping around with other guys where he lives. He says he knew this based on finding his online dating profiles and by seeing how he sees so many different phone numbers on his boyfriend's phone bill (they share an account). However, he loves his boyfriend and in the 8 years they've been together, he's obviously integrated himself very well with his boyfriend, his family, his network, and vice versa.

I told him I understood, that I wasn't comfortable AT ALL with this situation, but that I can understand that their relationship has some issues being long distance and everything and that I get it -- they both need sex regularly. However, at this point I'm feeling really slimy about myself because *I* am that other guy...the guy who now knowingly is having an affair. I wanted to stop seeing him, but at the same time, I couldn't bring myself to do it, because by now, I've become attached to him as a friend. Yes, I'm saying friend, because I knew when I discovered he had a boyfriend to begin with, nothing more would happen between us, and I learned how to accept that and just be a good friend (with benefits) with him. I became OK with this, telling myself that when I meet someone for myself, I can end this FWB with him (and hopefully still stay as just friends, since we knew each other for so long). I tried telling myself that, if his boyfriend is cheating on him too, then...I guess I'm not that shitty of a person continuing this relationship? (I know, throw the tomatoes at me...this is awful logic, but bare in mind I'm a sucker and care for my FWB).

Anyway, a few more months pass, we still see each other, go on fun dates, etc...but we still only see each other once a week or once every two weeks. However, this week, I learned I'm actually not the only other guy he sees. I helped him get the new iPhone, and while I was making sure all his stuff got transferred over, I saw he has several dating apps. Yes, I snooped again (I KNOW...this is terrible of me, I know), and saw he had SO many conversations with other guys, asking to meet up, saying things like "I want to see you again" and "that was fun last week". And, there were sooo many other messages he was sending to guys, flirting with them, etc. Of course, I didn't say anything again, because I'm not supposed to be snooping.

So now, this is just too much for me. I feel completely expendable and replaceable to him. I feel completely unimportant, and yes, hurt. I KNOW I was just a FWB...that was our relationship...but I thought I was his only FWB. I know it sounds so lame, but that still did make me feel a little special that he cared about me enough to keep up this relationship with me (and I thought, just me). Now I realize I am just another one of the many guys he sees and does stuff with.

So, my question is, should I be upset about this, or is it irrational? Because this IS just a FWB situation...it's NOT a relationship, and I obviously kept trying to convince myself I was a little more important to him than just a typical fuck buddy. I got attached when I wasn't supposed to and that's my fault...so can I really be mad at him? At this point I am lost and hurt about this.

Anyway, guys, I completely know I'm not Mr. Innocent here either. I continued to stay in this slimy situation, and I did snoop through his personal messages. Both are big no-nos and I know that. I can't excuse any of that, so I expect criticism there. But if you could also withhold some of those rotten tomatoes too, that would be great.

Thanks guys, sorry this is long as all Hell.

 

[IceColdLover]

I'd be more mad at him than anything. He has a boyfriend and they are cheating on each other. Two wrongs don't make a right. You can have this guy as your friend, but I don't see him being trustworthy enough to date and have a relationship with. I know you went into it for sex, and then it grew into something more for you, that's ok, we've all been there. If I were you now, I'd feel a bit icky about having sex with him now that you know the truth. It's not your fault though, you didn't know.

 

[HunterM]

You cannot change the past. You have control of the present. You cannot be mad at him when you two didn't even set up rules or boundaries on whatever it is that you two have. You cannot change the past. You have control of the present.

What's more important is...Do you know what you want out of this relationship? Without a clear goal of what you want from him, you will always be "lost". You don't have ground to stand on. You will always be pushed around.

You two didn't have an explicit commitment from the get go. You two are free to date/play with as many people as you both want. When you stopped dating other people, that is not his problem.

If you do know what you want with him...tell him. See if he is on board. If he is...then lay down some ground rules...set up boundaries where you both can agree on...like a contract of commitment.

Now that you know he plays around...do you think he will commit exclusively to you? I don't think so.

You cannot change the past. You have control of the present.

You have two options:
1. Accept him for who he is if you want to stay with him. He is a serial cheater. You cannot change him. Based on his track record...don't even try. He will not change for you.

2. Stop this relationship to save yourself heartaches and frustration. Save yourself!

Lesson learned. Know what you want out of your next relationship and communicate to your partner. If you don't know what you want, you will always be pushed around.

Good luck!

 

[Seasoned]

You can't control your feelings, but you can control what you do about them. It seems you've made assumptions and that you haven't been as casual about sex as he. So, it's not about how you're "suppose to feel," but, rather, how you actually feel. This isn't doing much for you except providing an occasional sexual outlet. And, at what price? You get more and more emotionally attached and are more inclined to snoop leading you to feel badly about yourself and unable to bring up the issue. Does the pleasure outweigh the pain?

 

[KaraBulut]

So, my question is, should I be upset about this, or is it irrational? Because this IS just a FWB situation...it's NOT a relationship, and I obviously kept trying to convince myself I was a little more important to him than just a typical fuck buddy. I got attached when I wasn't supposed to and that's my fault...so can I really be mad at him? At this point I am lost and hurt about this.

Depends on what you're mad about.

Mad that he's seeing someone else? No, because you agreed to a FWB with no strings attached.

Mad that he's been concealing another relationship with half-truths? Perhaps.


The two things that you're learned:

1. When someone tells you that they're not looking for a relationship, then they are not looking for a relationship.
2. If you're looking for a relationship, you shouldn't waste time with someone who isn't looking for a relationship.

Now that you've learned this, what are you going to do?

 

[CuriouslyFrustrated]

Guys, thank you SO much for responding. It really does help just to talk about it and you're all telling me what I need to hear.

You cannot be mad at him when you two didn't even set up rules or boundaries on whatever it is that you two have.

Yeah, this is what I thought too. I guess it's that I feel a little deceived about everything from a friend. I didn't mention in my original post that he originally went out of his way to make me feel like I was the only guy he was seeing. When I found out he had a BF, he tried to tell me I was the only OTHER guy he was seeing. I was always a little suspicious that this wasn't the case, but it's hard for me to accept that so much of what we have together was based on deceit.

What's more important is...Do you know what you want out of this relationship? Without a clear goal of what you want from him, you will always be "lost". You don't have ground to stand on. You will always be pushed around.

Yep, you are right. I was willing to accept being an exclusive FWB. It took time for me to accept him having a BF, but I eventually completely accepted it. I didn't feel that expendable to him since I thought I was the only other guy he was seeing. I had offered to end what we have when he told me he felt guilty about cheating on his BF, but he told me he had known me long enough that he didn't want to end it with me. It was things like this that made me feel like I still meant something to him. Now that I'm just one of the many guys he sees, I feel completely replaceable, and I don't think I can accept this. I feel like, if he were attracted to me enough or enjoyed my company enough, then I would be enough, but now I feel like as soon as he finds enough guys he can see regularly, I'll be completely cut out. That's what hurts.

If you do know what you want with him...tell him. See if he is on board. If he is...then lay down some ground rules...set up boundaries where you both can agree on...like a contract of commitment.

You have two options:
1. Accept him for who he is if you want to stay with him. He is a serial cheater. You cannot change him. Based on his track record...don't even try. He will not change for you.

2. Stop this relationship to save yourself heartaches and frustration. Save yourself!

Lesson learned. Know what you want out of your next relationship and communicate to your partner. If you don't know what you want, you will always be pushed around.

Oh, I know he won't change, and it's not my job to try and change him either. He is free to live his life however he wants...it's just a matter of if I'm willing to be a part of that lifestyle, and right now I don't think I can. See, I know #2 is what I really do need to do. I guess I'm a little afraid that if I end it completely, it'll be too much of a rash decision based on my current emotion. Maybe I can accept his lifestyle eventually, but I don't think I can, so I'm sad at the prospect of ending it with him. I just don't want this to be an overreaction on my end, but as you say, I should end the heartache and frustration now or else I don't think it would ever completely go away.

You can't control your feelings, but you can control what you do about them. It seems you've made assumptions and that you haven't been as casual about sex as he. So, it's not about how you're "suppose to feel," but, rather, how you actually feel. This isn't doing much for you except providing an occasional sexual outlet. And, at what price? You get more and more emotionally attached and are more inclined to snoop leading you to feel badly about yourself and unable to bring up the issue. Does the pleasure outweigh the pain?

Yup, absolutely I made assumptions. He did go out of his way to feed those assumptions, but I still made those assumptions. The pleasure does not outweigh the pain, but gosh, the prospect of ending it completely with him makes me really sad, too.

Depends on what you're mad about.

Mad that he's seeing someone else? No, because you agreed to a FWB with no strings attached.

Mad that he's been concealing another relationship with half-truths? Perhaps.


The two things that you're learned:

1. When someone tells you that they're not looking for a relationship, then they are not looking for a relationship.
2. If you're looking for a relationship, you shouldn't waste time with someone who isn't looking for a relationship.

Now that you've learned this, what are you going to do?

I think I'm just mad at the deception that he was feeding me. At least, that's what I'm trying to justify my feelings as. I know I really can't be upset he's sleeping with others. His profile says he wants friendship with one-on-one sex. I guess I'm just not used to the whole unattached FWB thing, because I took the "friendship" aspect to be more meaningful. I thought that once he found a "friendship with one-on-one sex," that would be enough since he found what he was looking for. We would spend whole days together going on dates and doing things together, having great discussion, and then of course, the sex. I interpret no strings attached as literally just sex with not much care about the person outside of the sex, but I'm relatively inexperienced with this so I just don't know.

You are absolutely right about the lessons learned, though. I just need to figure out how I'm going to deal with this. End it all, or learn to accept it? Obviously ending it would be best for me in the long run. But damn, it just makes me sad the idea of cutting it off with someone completely. I'd really just like to talk to him about all of this, and based on his response, make that call on whether to end it or accept it. I won't be able to talk to him though for at least a week, and I don't want to be this crazy person just randomly calling him and pouring this onto him. I was going to wait until he contacts me to see each other again, so grr, I have to let this stew for a while.

Guys again, thanks SO much for taking the time to respond. You're all insinuating or telling me what I should do based on my feelings about this. I just need to find that strength to be able to do it, and not be afraid that ending everything is the wrong decision.

 

[checkinthingsout]

You can be upset, but only at yourself. Never did you ask if he was single or if he had a boyfriend in the whole year that you had been seeing each other. You seem like a pretty rational person, so I can only assume the reason you didn't ask after a whole year is because deep in the back of your mind, you already knew the answer: on some level he was unavailable to you (whether that be a boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, etc. is kind of irrelevant).

Your "relationship" seemed to progress a little beyond FWB as you all went out a lot together. Although this may have put a confusing spin on the situation, you should have taken initiative to DTR (Define THE Relationship). If your feelings had changed after you met him, you should have communicated that to him at the time, and put the ball in his court on where he thought the two of you should progress. Then, had he lied, you would have every right to be mad at him. Had he told the truth, then you could start looking for someone who is available for the type of relationship you want.

You joked with him for a whole year after knowing he had a boyfriend before actually bringing it up and confronting him. That is your fault. I am not sure how old you are, but while you have the ability to think and communicate rationally, it seems for some reason you don't have the confidence to do it when it counts. Take this as a learning/growing opportunity. Ask questions of your romantic interests, even the uncomfortable questions, and don't be afraid to ask those same questions again if you feel your relationship is progressing or your feelings have changed.

 

[TX-Beau]

I'm not going to rehash a bunch of this that I agree with, I'm just going to point out that once you found out he was cheating on someone, and didn't walk, you kind of lost any right to be angry.

 

[Georgiadude]

agree with the above post. you knowingly helped a cheater cheat and you want to be upset that he's "cheating" so to speak on you? really? .

doesn't feel so good does it? now imagine that his bf doesn't know about any of this and he convinced you to believe his bf is seeing other guys. even if his bf is seeing other guys it doesn't justify you helping him cheat. you were right. you do look slimy. just as slimy as your fwb. frankly this entire story disgusts me. I have zero sympathy for cheaters or those that knowingly help them cheat. I've been cheated on and it's a horrible gut wrenching feeling. the person I loved and trusted was fucking half of Atlanta.
it ripped my heart out. this is a no flame zone or I'd really tell you how I feel.

Steven

 

[palemale]

If you want to be in a FWB relationship, be an adult about it. You should realize from the start that it will not be a romantic relationship, but a friendship with sex relationship. He wants to remain with his bf, which means he doesn't want to become emotionally involved with someone else. Therefore, when he is not with his bf, he wants to have sex with multiple partners. Strange as it may sound, he is probably convincing himself that, while he is cheating on his bf sexually, he isn't cheating on him emotionally.

 

[hotatlboi]

Didn't even read the post, since the title answers the question by itself.

No, you cannot be mad at a FWB for sleeping with other people. A FWB is rarely if ever an exclusive relationship. It is a friendship. In fact the primary reason for this kind of relationship is typically for people to have someone to get regular sex with while still having the freedom to see other people.

 

[Vocodr]

I'm sorry but I feel this whole situation is karma in action. But I think you know that, so I won't labour the point. A lot of good advice and analysis above - but one thing that did occur to me that hasn't been mentioned: how do you really know the FWB's BF is cheating too? That's just what the FWB is telling you. Has it ever occurred to you that it may not be true? After all, he doesn't seem like the most trustworthy guy...

 

[bankside]

People looking only for a whole relationship are usually better at it than people who are sleeping with strangers and "just going to see where things go." This is where things usually go.