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Should I catch Cheating BF at it

  • Thread starter Thread starter richb78uk
  • Start date Start date
R

richb78uk

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Hi all,
I've had suspicions that my bf is about to cheat through various online sites and I've found out he has arranged to meet a guy (presumbly for sex) next week at a certtain time at OUR house. I don't want to confront him about it yet until I've got proper evidence.

Its not the sex part that particularly bothers me, as we all know guys will be guys, its the fact that he plans to bring this guy into our house, thats the bit that bothers me more and if they do it in my bed I will find that very difficult as to me it feels like being burgled.

The question is should I innocently come home unexpected around that time to catch them at it (if it does happen, if it doesn't he would be non-the wiser) or let it happen and try and gather more evidence afterwards before confronting him?
 
I know what your saying noelie but I've not been spying, just had enough suspicions from changes in behaviour (which could all be innocent which is why I haven't mentioned it to him) but having shared contacts on social networking sites who have passed bits of info to me things started to add up till I've built up the picture.

I don't believe in spying like looking at his mobile phone behind his back etc as we all should have privacy and a bit of online flirting is pretty harmless as most of us do it but now its getting this far I need to do something about it.
 
wait .. you ONLY mind that he is having sex with someone else in your house? is that the only thing that is bothering you? if that is so why don't you tell him "i don't mind you having sex with someone else, but just don't do it in our house".
 
I am bothered but I could forgive a one-off slip up and will talk to him about it once I'm sure its happened so I can't be accused of jumping to conclusions.

But would find it much hard to accept that he has invaded our space by shagging a bloke in our house that we own together.

Guess I will just have to let things run its course and see what happens and see how I feel then
 
Hey richb78uk,

Is it wrong that I want to twist your ear right now??? Do you really have such a low opinion of yourself?

You write well, you obviously know how to love and to care, you are clearly employed or study to be able to share a house, you seem a to be a nice guy.

Rich, there is no way that you deserve to be cheated on or to play second fiddle. And I know that you know that. Relationships are about respect, and even if you struggle to beleive you are worth it, your bf surely has stopped giving it to you if he carries this through.

Yeah, maybe you shouldnt have been prying or looking... but at the end of the day you need to learn to value yourself. You need to understand that someone cheating on you disrespects you and undervalues you. And until you learn that, until you learn to love yourself you'll be hurt over and over... and its not something that you have to or should ever take or accept.

Its time to stand up mate. Its time to put yourself first. Either shake him up with what you found... or walk. You are better than second best, and theres no way you should settle for it.
 
richb78uk said:
I am bothered but I could forgive a one-off slip up and will talk to him about it once I'm sure its happened so I can't be accused of jumping to conclusions.
Click to expand...
I already wondered. It's kinda weird that you plan on forgiving one slip. That shouldn't be how it works. Either both of you have no problem with sex outside the relationship, or it should be out of the question.

Guess I will just have to let things run its course and see what happens and see how I feel then
Click to expand...
Things can't be undone, you should not let it run his course. If you didn't spy on him, and someone else told you what is going to happen - I'd confront him immediately.
 
yes come home and see if he's screwing someone else...then you'll have that 100% undeniable evidence. also i'm sure you'll feel much more strongly about not staying with him after seeing the douchebag do it in real life.
 
>>>Its not the sex part that particularly bothers me, as we all know guys will be guys...

I never understand this attitude. Either you're in a committed relationship or you're not. I think guys are more prone to screw around on the side simply because of attitudes like this. It's like being given the thumbs-up - "it's OK - it happens". Well, no, it doesn't have to happen - not if you don't want it to. Yes, the temptation is there, but you CAN say no. I'm not saying all relationships have to be exclusive, but there's little point in making one exclusive if "trangressions" are going to be shrugged off.

>>>its the fact that he plans to bring this guy into our house, thats the bit that bothers me more and if they do it in my bed I will find that very difficult as to me it feels like being burgled.

Then just tell him that. "I don't care if you see someone on the side, just not in our bed, OK?" You actually seem resigned to this happening, so why not just say it? Your "demand" doesn't exactly seem that heavy a request to grant.

Unless you actually WANT to see him having sex with this other guy. In which case, skip the innocent act, and ask if you can watch.

Lex
 
Let me ask you something. If you want to "surprise him" and catch him in the act, how will you react? What will you do and say the moment you see him naked with another guy? These details are important, and require more thought than just the concept. There's a difference between confronting him about it, and actually catching him in the act. If you catch him in the act, you must be prepared for an angry confrontation of kicking the other guy out and then breaking up with your boyfriend right there on the spot.
 
So you'd prefer to catch him in the act instead of talking to him beforehand and possibly stopping it from happen?

It's true that he could just deny it, but at least you'd have brought up the issue.

Are you hoping to catch him so you'd have a concrete excuse to dump him?
 
Your BF sleeping around and cheating on you isn't just 'guys being guys'. Do you even know if he's playing safe during these occasions??

If you come home innocently to find them sitting on the couch and talking would that make you less suspicious or not change anything? Because if you know that he's cheating and 100% sure about it i just say confront him
 
IMHO, how you react depends on what you want out of the situation. Do you want to keep the relationship together? Do you want to know why he's exploring the possibility of cheating and potentially work through those feelings? Would you ever be able to trust him again? Or do you want out?

If you want to keep the relationship, then you absolutely have to talk to him about what you've learned before the assignation. If you want out, then come home while he's schtupping the guy. But don't act surprised. That's a lie. Tell him you knew what he was doing but had to see it with your own eyes.
 
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