Should I contact my ex? He is in jail right now..

[jayallday]

So, Ill try to make this thing as short as possible, but if its easier said than done then bear with me

Im almost 30, my ex is 53. We met more than 5 years ago and he was my first everything - my first sex, first relationship, first love. He was the person that helped me discover myself as a gay man and showed me that it was 'ok to be gay' - that being gay wasnt just some anonymous sex in the park but loving another person as well.

He proposed to me (In our country its not possible for two men to marry, but I said 'yes' anyway) and we were supposed to spend our whole lives together - or thats what I thought. I saw some red flags along the way, but I loved him and always thought he was 'the one' for me. After about two years together things started to change and I felt he wasnt as commited to us as I was. He wanted his 'space' and I gave him that. There were some situations where I felt he wasnt respecting me enough and the culmination of that was the break up - he broke things off with me through a text. The reason? I was mad at my job at the time and we talked about my life goals of mine, and some other stuff like that, and he strongly suggested that I should take the offer I was given at work while I didnt want that. Wa talked about it for a couple of days and the topic kind of 'switched' to us - he said that we are too different from each other and he broke it off. He didnt try to save what we had and just kicked me to the curb. I took his reason for the break up as a complete BS, as thats what it was to me, but I learned it to be true only later on (Our close friend told me some time after that, that around that time, my ex was hitting on him and telling him he would break up with me and they could be together). After the break up I was a complete mess. Theres too much to describe, but believe me that when I say that. The only good thing that did come out of it was that I did come out to my mom and friends I just needed someone to talk to plus I was drunk all the time, so it was harder to control the things that did come out of my mouth, haha

That was three years ago. Since that I finished up my second Masters degree, switched my job, got an apartment, got a new boyfriend (thats another long story) and kind of finally got my life together. With my ex we havent talked since the break up - after the text we met for me to take my stuff from his place and to talk a little - he tried contacting me a couple of times, while I did not respond. He also tried meeting me through our friends, but I told them thats a big 'no' in my book and after what he did to me I dont want to see him. He used to talk BS about me to our friends and to people he did know (the world is small, so it got to me). We met (but didnt talk) in the club a couple of times though, which resulted for some tears shed from my side as I was clearly not over him just yet. Right now I finally think I might be over him, but still have days where I think about him too much (hmm, today maybe? ) and might dream about him as well, its a lot less intense than it used to, so I guess its all good.

It was a long introduction, but it finally brings me to the title of this topic

About 2-3 month ago I got the news that he was arrested. He got a sentence of 3 years for blowing a 13 yo (age of consent here is 15) and paying that kid for sex. From what I know the kid was a willing participant for that and he was getting money out of it. I always knew my ex liked younger guys, but for me he crossed the line big time here and was a creep all the way. Im not a one to judge though (never was). From what I know after he was arrested he lost most of his friends, his house was robbed after he got locked up (it probably was robbed by pigs themselves) and his daughter (he used to be married) is not keeping contact with him. I know he has some contact with his current (?) boyfriend, but dont know the level of it. As he is so deep in the s-hole I was thinking about sending him a letter asking if he needs anything (here when you are locked up you can get packages with food sent to prison every two months). When I was about to write him that letter I realised I might be getting too deep into it and might not be as over him as I thought, as I started thinking what would be his reply. I also started thinking about him more often and having some more dreams with him as well (I was always a very visual dreamer), and thats obviously not a good sign as I finally seem to get my life together after that break up (it took me long, I know). Im a very good person at heart and would like to help someone that I cared for, but he crossed me so many times, that I actually think that I should not contact him as it might take a toll (once again) on me. Long time ago I promised myself that I wouldnt give a damn about him, but right now I kind of feel bad about it though.

If anyone got through this wall of text up to this point - tell me what you think?

 

[bankside]

I'm sorry you have had so much hardship through all these events. You say you're not one to judge, and I believe that is half the problem.

Forget this asshole, let him rot in jail. And if your new boyfriend has a better character as a human being, spend more time with him.

Forgive me but it's like reading a story about someone hitting his hand with a hammer and asks if he should put down the hammer to stop the agonizing pain. Yes.

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

Are you prepared to dump your new boyfriend for him?

 

[Cormac135]

You've already moved on, keep moving.

 

[HunterM]

Do not contact him. If you do, it will hurt yourself emotionally. Don't go there AGAIN.

Move on with your new life. Good luck!

 

[peeonme]

I don't know how things work in Poland, but in the US I would think that those who contact or visit sex offenders would come under some scrutiny, I would stay away, plus you have a boyfriend.

 

[Kyanimal]

I can certainly understand still feeling a connection to, and perhaps even an obligation to try to help, someone that had such an impact on your life, both positive and negative. That aspect is part of Your character, and quite admirable.

However, given what you've told "Us" about him, he clearly does not deserve your well meant concern.

He has made his choices, and is facing his own consequences. I would suggest giving him the same degree of consideration that he gave you, while making those decisions of his. In other words, You owe him NOTHING!

You've successfully worked (very hard) to get past him, and I strongly urge you to keep moving Forward, for Your own, and your BF's, sake. Think about all that you might jeopardize if you allow yourself to be pulled back into his dark sphere of influence.

You will likely never reach the point of "not giving a damn" about him, simply because that's not who You are. But, you also have to realize that's a commendable indication of Your character, and doesn't reflect on him, in any way.

Simply put, he didn't, doesn't, nor does he now, deserve You!

As difficult as it might be, I would firmly close that door, as best I could, and move on, into a much brighter future.

Yes. What has transpired is truly regrettable. There is no valid reason to possibly add more regret. Do not endanger what you have achieved, in spite of him. This is one more of those cases where the past is best left in the past.

All the more reasons to continue looking forward, not back.

And, of course ... No Matter What ... Seriously ...

Keep Smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[Craiger]

There are those out there that are adept at manipulation and those that are susceptible. You have broken that link and for over 3 year you have built a life for yourself without him and his power over you. As most all have said before, do not let that slip back to a situation that is based, not on love or caring on his part, but pity that you may be feeling. Your concern for another human being is commendable, but you cannot help all those within your past. Remember the positive times you had with him, but do not let them influence your judgement. He has made his choices as to how to conduct his life and now it is his responsibility to rebuilt what he has lost. And that must be done by him alone. If your desire to help is that strong, find a project or organization that is worthy of your help, volunteer and let that take your mind off him. Good luck in whatever path you choose.

Craiger

 

[yhtang]

So far, all those above who commented discouraged contact with your ex-boyfriend.

I understand that he was your first, and I suppose there is always some special emotions that one has for one's first. I believe it is out of a sense of righteous loyalty that made you think of contacting him now that he is in jail. For this, you have my respect and understanding. I have long broken off with my first love, but some sweet memories sometimes surface. It may be the same for you.

I happen to agree with those posted before me. I feel it would jeopardise your relationship - hard earned and all - with your present boyfriend and I feel your present boyfriend may not understand your emotions for your ex - righteous loyalty or whatever notwithstanding.

You have made a new life for yourself. Allow yourself to enjoy it. If you feel a bit bad about your ex's situation, would it help to light a candle for him and say a prayer? He has made his bed and he has to lie in it. You have carved a new life for yourself and you have a right to revel in it.

May all go well for you.

 

[Seasoned]

There are those out there that are adept at manipulation and those that are susceptible. You have broken that link and for over 3 year you have built a life for yourself without him and his power over you. As most all have said before, do not let that slip back to a situation that is based, not on love or caring on his part, but pity that you may be feeling. Your concern for another human being is commendable, but you cannot help all those within your past. Remember the positive times you had with him, but do not let them influence your judgement. He has made his choices as to how to conduct his life and now it is his responsibility to rebuilt what he has lost. And that must be done by him alone. If your desire to help is that strong, find a project or organization that is worthy of your help, volunteer and let that take your mind off him. Good luck in whatever path you choose.

Craiger

As I was reading your post I began thinking about an answer and the one above is most inline with mine.

As human beings we form bonds and attachments with all that are close to us. Hurts and abuse separate us, but as we are also capable of forgiveness. It's wise to forgive because forgiveness is about the forgiver not the perpetrator and doesn't have to involve the person being forgiven. It would be about you not having to walk around with hurt and anger.

That being said, I feel it would be a mistake to contact him. You question has to do with you initiating a rescue. Don't. If this weighs heavily on your mind find a charitable organization that works with prisoners and make some type of contribution.

I'm 100% Polish, born in the US with a Catholic background. I'd be inclined to pop into a church occasionally and light a candle. Non-Catholics might think that's crazy, but that would be my way of wishing someone well who was once central to my life without being brought back into their life. You're a good person. In this case put your well-being first.

 

[KaraBulut]

For all the reasons given above, this is one time when you should look forward and put this part of your past behind you.

Sometimes it is not apparent why something has happened. While the breakup may have been painful, you have been spared the pain of having to go through this situation with your (now ex-) boyfriend. In the end, that breakup has saved you from a lot more pain... and you're better off for it.

 

[jayallday]

Thank you for all the replies

I feel that for me it is sometimes better to hear the truth from other people, just to be sure that the choices I make are the right ones. Im very good with giving sound advice to people who ask me for one (and they do often), but sometimes have a really hard time with making the right choices in my own life as Im a very emotional person. With that being said I decided that I will not try to contact him in any way while he remains incarcerated. I am unable to do that without being prone to once again getting hurt emotionally and it all would put me in a vulnerable spot once again. For the last 3 years of my life I worked too hard to get my life together and back on track, so I wont risk it for someone who obviously didnt care about me while making his decisions about life.

I have a lot on my plate right now, so working out, work, my boyfriend and my friends should keep me busy.

Are you prepared to dump your new boyfriend for him?

Well, the short answer is 'no', but there is a little more to the story. We are together for almost two years. It started out when I obviously was not ready for a new relationship, as I was not over my ex at that point. My boyfriend was not ready for a relationship as well as he is more of a 'single player' type of person - he is 48 and had a lot of guys coming after him through all those years, still he just had one boyfriend in his twenties, for a year. But we felt a connection and it all just happened, so we decided to try it out. Sometimes its a lot of work, and I mean a lot of work, to make it work out, but we have still managed to pull it off. To add to the fuel - we work together in the same company (often do projects togheter and our offices are on the same floor), so that brings some tensions as well
Do I love him? Yes. Will we be toghether for the rest of our lives? I dont know.
He is a difficult person, but as long I see him trying its all good. I was burnt pretty badly, so that changed me, plus Im no saint either, so as long as we have mutual respect for our deficiencies and work on them together I cant really ask for more

And to answer your question: I can not imagine having a healthy relationship with my ex after all what he did to me. He might still have a spot in my heart and be in my thoughts or in my dreams, I might still miss waking up next to him, but I probably would go insane thinking about what happened and thinking that he might do that again. He had his time and he blew it, so there is no second chance. Say, he arrived at my house with flowers, on his knees, a month after the break up, or even six, I would have a hard time saying no. I was coming back home dreaming about it, so I probably wouldnt be able to even play it off cool. But right now? After three years and not even a phone call asking me how I was doing? And talking BS about me when I was at my lowest? He knew all about my life growing up, how messed up it was (dont feel like describing that right now, cuz those memories wear on me a lot), and yet he still managed to walk out on me like I was nothing worth his time. Screw him, he wasnt there for me at all, so he doesnt deserve me when Im doing better

 

[TX-Beau]

You need to crush the co-dependent impulse the moment it appears, it never leads anywhere healthy. Why do you want to getin touch with him? What can you possibly do? He made his bed.

Fucking an underage prostitute shows a lack of any kind of ethical compass. This guy paid a child for sex.