Should I dump him? (So confused!)

[blackberryboy]

Basically, I'm 21 and he just turned 39 yesterday. We met at the start of May and have been dating ever since. Now, we are an official couple. Even though there's noticable age different it's not too much of an issue - at least the numbers don't mean anything. We have stuff in common but we also have big differences and I'm now starting to ask myself whether this can work...

The situation is made more complicated because I've had to leave London to live in France for a year for work. He's French but he's lived in London years now. I wanted to end the relationship when I left but we then decided we didn't want to do that and kept it going. Now, we can only see each other once a month.

Anyway, the biggest difference between us is that he doesn't drink! He was an alcoholic! Whereas I drink A LOT mainly with my friends but it's a big part of my social life. Obviously, he's not always totally comfortable with this.
I tease him about 'being an old man' and doing 'old man' things. I didn't use to see him as an old man but now a lot of things he'd like to do in his free time is totally boring an uninteresting for me. We try to do things together but quickly get bored of what the other wants to do. We either end up pretending just to satisfy eachother or getting into bad moods and feeling disconnected.

I think that I feel inferior to him in a lot of ways. Obviously, he has a career and his own place - I'm just a student! I can't really contribute anything.

Lastly, I think that he's just starting to annoy me. Who he is (well, little things he does), his character etc. even his intelligence sometimes. (but then I'm sure I annoy him too and doesn't every couple annoy eachother in some way, right?) I also think deep down I'm getting a bit fed up of the 'I'm older so I know what I'm talking about' speech. Not that I'm closed to hearing it, but it's just jarring sometimes. As I said, he's French so obviously he speaks French and I'm learning the language so we have that in common.

I know what I've written makes it sound like I'm miserable every time I'm with him. That's not the case. When we're happy and together just the two of us, I really feel in love with him. We have sweet conversations on Skype. We speak everyday. I love getting phone calls and texting from him to say he loves me etc. I just don't know if that's enough anymore.

We've had our arguments and almost split up and he's said that we should work on it rather than just running off at the first sight of trouble. However it is harder now that we're seperated because when we're together we can't really have any space from eachother - It's like we have to spend every minute together because there's not a lot of time
I've asked him 'What does he want with a 21 year old?' and he's said that he loves me for what I am. I love him for what he is too but I'm just starting to wonder. Do I just want to be free in a new city etc.

If it did end I would be heart broken for a while and I would always want for us to be friends - He means so much to me. I don't think I could dump him because I can't bear to hurt him!

I will just say that he is HIV positive but that's never been an issue for me (I've only ever fucked him with a condom and he's only ever fucked me with a condom about 4 times)
Also, he doesn't really have any family in England and he's not close to his family in France. I wonder, is he just clinging on to me for as long as possible.

Could you please give me some advice and tell whether you think it's best it ends and how to end it. Or perhaps give me some points as to why this could be something that lasts a much longer time.

 

[hylas]

there is a lot going on in that post, and i find it difficult to pin-point what the issue is here. can you? what does really bother you about your current situation, and what do you want? time to take an honest look inside yourself, and make a decision.

you generally seem to be a decent guy, but i will say that you sound like an ass when youre talking about drinking. if hes a former alcoholic, you need to be supportive of him. you cant drink or be completely drunk in his presence, or talk with him about your drunken escapades. if you love him, thats the least he can expect. (drink as much as you like when youre hanging out without him). how is that even a problem, if you only see him once a month? you cant manage to stay dry durig the (presumably short) time youre seeing your boyfriend? you might have a drinking problem yourself.

 

[G-Lexington]

No offense meant here, but despite your claims that "Even though there's noticable age different it's not too much of an issue - at least the numbers don't mean anything"...the rest of your post sort of refutes all that.

The reason people are wary of large age differences in relationships isn't because there's some sort of thing in place that makes a 20-year-old incapable of loving a 40-year-old (or vice versa). It's because the two people tend to come from different worlds. To be rather stereotypical here, the 20-year-old's idea of fun usually involves drinking and dancing until dawn, whereas a 40-year-old's is more likely to involve a nice dinner and good conversation. This isn't to say the 20-year-old can't enjoy the dinner, or the 40-year-old can't party. But quite often, that's the basic direction they're coming from.

And even so, the relationship can work so long as they're both willing to put in the effort to make it work. It'll presumably involve a lot more compromise and/or a lot more "you do your thing and I do mine". And that's fine as long as both parties are willing to put in that extra effort. But eventually, it can become wearying. And it sounds like it has.

What should you do? Well, what would you think about altering the relationship? Instead of being his committed boyfriend, how would you feel about being his good friend (with occasional benefits)? Where instead of forcing a get-together once a month which feels like a chore, just get together when it's convenient for both of you. Have dinner, have sex, whatever you want to do. But be aware that he'd be free to pursue other guys if he wanted to. Would that appeal to you at all?

Lex

ps I'm not exactly sure why it's cool that you tease him for being an "old man", but you're getting tired of the "I'm older than you" routine. One comes from the other, after all.

 

[palemale]

The three most common lies: the check is in the mail, size doesn't matter, and relationships take work. If you have to work at a relationship, what's the point? The essence of a good relationship is that couples can compromise when there are differences. If compromise is such a chore, either one or both parties are too selfish, or the differences are too significant to make the relationship workable. You're probably better off going your separate ways.

 

[altlover85]

The situation is made more complicated because I've had to leave London to live in France for a year for work. He's French but he's lived in London years now. I wanted to end the relationship when I left but we then decided we didn't want to do that and kept it going. Now, we can only see each other once a month.

What made you change your mind about ending things? I notice that you use I and then switch it to we. I can understand that, but I think it may speak to some relationship dynamics.

Anyway, the biggest difference between us is that he doesn't drink! He was an alcoholic! Whereas I drink A LOT mainly with my friends but it's a big part of my social life. Obviously, he's not always totally comfortable with this.

At least you get to drink when you aren't together. However, if you two ever started living together, the drinking may have to stop. When I was with my ex, I couldn't drink at all, even when we weren't physically together. Granted we lived together the majority of the time, but when I lived on campus he told me that if I drank the relationship was over. It was a messed-up relationship in that regard. He now lets his new bf drink, so he did get over that.

I tease him about 'being an old man' and doing 'old man' things. I didn't use to see him as an old man but now a lot of things he'd like to do in his free time is totally boring an uninteresting for me. We try to do things together but quickly get bored of what the other wants to do. We either end up pretending just to satisfy eachother or getting into bad moods and feeling disconnected.

You have to either learn to compromise and try and enjoy things or end things.

I think that I feel inferior to him in a lot of ways. Obviously, he has a career and his own place - I'm just a student! I can't really contribute anything.

I wouldn't worry about this. It's not that you are inferior, it's just you are in different places in your life.

Lastly, I think that he's just starting to annoy me. Who he is (well, little things he does), his character etc. even his intelligence sometimes. (but then I'm sure I annoy him too and doesn't every couple annoy eachother in some way, right?) I also think deep down I'm getting a bit fed up of the 'I'm older so I know what I'm talking about' speech. Not that I'm closed to hearing it, but it's just jarring sometimes. As I said, he's French so obviously he speaks French and I'm learning the language so we have that in common.

I think those are just growing pains or signs that it should be over.

I know what I've written makes it sound like I'm miserable every time I'm with him. That's not the case. When we're happy and together just the two of us, I really feel in love with him. We have sweet conversations on Skype. We speak everyday. I love getting phone calls and texting from him to say he loves me etc. I just don't know if that's enough anymore.

It might not be enough.

We've had our arguments and almost split up and he's said that we should work on it rather than just running off at the first sight of trouble. However it is harder now that we're seperated because when we're together we can't really have any space from eachother - It's like we have to spend every minute together because there's not a lot of time
I've asked him 'What does he want with a 21 year old?' and he's said that he loves me for what I am. I love him for what he is too but I'm just starting to wonder. Do I just want to be free in a new city etc.

Working on it is fine, but it seems like there are enough issues here to warrant really looking at the relationship and deciding if it is worth it. I think him saying that you are running at the first sign of trouble is a lie. There are many signs of trouble, not just one.

Good luck. I hope you can figure out what to do about this.

 

[Willie Boy]

I don't know about dumping him, but the two of you should break up. It is obvious each of you is looking for a different relationship. You seem to be looking for someone to party with. He on the other hand is looking for a long term loving relationship.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>If you have to work at a relationship, what's the point? The essence of a good relationship is that couples can compromise when there are differences.

Well, then, let me say that in a good relationship, the work doesn't feel much like work, and the compromising doesn't feel like you're giving much up.

Lex