Should I/How can I come out to him?

[I-Like-Dudes]

Hello everyone!
(After reading this through, this does sound very fragmented. I'm sorry; it's just my thoughts rolling out of my head.)

For me, it's hard to figure out how to begin this. I guess I'll just start out by saying that I like dudes. A lot more than girls. Gay? Maybe. But my issue I am having is that recently I've really wanted someone to talk to about it. I had this one bisexual friend who knew how I rolled, but that took a turn for the worse... after I hooked up with him . Anyways, I'm having a friend that I've known for three years move into my parents' house with me (I'm recently 18 and still in school). He's having trouble paying the rent on his apartment, as his mom stopped paying it. He'll be living in our spare bedroom. He's extremely easy going, and he's one of the few people that I have zero drama with. Also, I have NO gay feelings whatsoever. It's so weird, because he'd technically be very attractive to me, but I guess I see him as family or something. That really confuses me. Anyways, I guess what I'm trying to get at is that I'm contemplating on whether I should come out to him. I really like his company, as he's a great friend, so I'd hate to scare him away from living with me... and have him tell other people in the process. It'd be nice though to have someone to talk to, and to understand me more than others; even though I don't know how helpful he'd be... but still. Would it be smart to tell him, or someone else? I don't know what his stance on gay people are- he never mentions them- but he is from the south. (More than anything, though, he's from a family of nice southerners).

Then comes my next question: how to come out to him. Should I just stick it in there somewhere, and tell him I'm not attracted to him, or should I sit him down and have a talk? I've heard recently from one of his friends that if you sit this person down and talk to him, he listens. However, I don't want him to over-react.

What I was planning on doing is to go into his room, when he moves in with me in a month or two, and mention a girl that he hangs around with- to the dismay of his overbearing girl friend. He once told me that he's known this girl for years, and that she's strictly a friend. I thought that if I brought her up, as an example of how people don't have to be sexually attracted to everyone, then relate that to my (nonexistent) feelings toward my friend, that it would keep him comfortable around me. Then, I would come out. I was also wondering if I should have his girlfriend there with us, so it would not be just us. I'm good friends with her, and I'd like her to know, too (and she's friends with some gay people lol). The only reason I wouldn't do that, is because I'd be bringing up that one girl as an example- hopefully she would quickly get over it..

Finally I was wondering if I should make it a point to be naked around him or something, before coming out to him, so he'd know I wasn't gay for him or something. But I think that may be too extreme or dramatic or something.

What do you guys think I should do? How do you think it'd turn out? Or should I even risk it? By the way, I really appreciate any support you can give me.

 

[elGeniuoso1721]

for some reason ur plan sounds complicated.

how long have you been this guys friend? if ur friendship is strong enough, and you know is stance on homosexuality, then it should be fine. Are u two sharing a room?

it could possibly be a good idea to come out to him and his gf, cuz you know that at least one person supports you 100%. if your still not sure of how he would react, maybe you could just tell her instead, cuz she seems to be okay with it.

 

[Seasoned]

He's moving into your house which tells me the burden is on him not you. I think the assumption is that friends are not attracted to friends and not the other way around. Without that boundary it would be next to impossible to be friends with anyone.
Welcome to JUB and the Coming Out Forum.

You've been friends. There's no sexual tension. There's no banter about gay guys. He's now like a brother. I'd say settle in with him with day to day living. Assess the situation in a few weeks. You seem to have the urge to come out and he seems a logical choice.

Good luck!

 

[anchihiro]

Don't get naked, i dont know how you thought that would be logical.

Anyway yeah just come out to him. Preferably BEFORE he moves in. If he freaks then at least you wont have to kick him out or see him after.

 

[I-Like-Dudes]

elGeniuoso1721- I've been friends with him for almost 4 years, so I guess our friendship is strong. We're not sharing a room, and I do agree with you that his girlfriend should be there. Thanks

Seasoned- I like what you said about the friends not being attracted to friends all the time. I guess no one would get along. I guess I could wait for some time to tell him, so we're more comfortable together. He's a good friend, but I don't see him all the time- which will change when he moves in. If we're living together, and not at each other's throats, it would probably be easier.

anchihiro- It was 3 AM and I was tired lol. That's my excuse for the whole naked thing. It was more or less just being naked around him before the fact, so we're more comfortable or something. But now, it does sound weird lol. I thought about telling him before he moves in, but either way I think he will need to move in with me. He doesn't have many other places to go. If I tell him after he moves in with me, when we're much more comfortable, then it'd probably go more smoothly. I know he could freak out, and I would have to see him after, but I think he'd freak out a lot less.

Thanks everyone for the support. You all gave me a lot to think about.

 

[TX-Beau]

Welcome to JUB!

I also like dudes, a lot.

OK well, you should tell him before he's stuck in a situation he can't get out of easily. it's only fair.

The bigger a production you make of it, the bigger a deal it's going to be for him.

Just drop it into conversation, and answer whatever questions he has, then back off and let him process it. Don't bring it up again for awhile, if he wants to talk he will - if he doesn't pushing him isn't going to help.

You've had a lot of time to deal with this, he'll need time to come to terms just like you had to, BEFORE you start talking hot cocks and assfucking with your new straight wingman.

 

[I-Like-Dudes]

TX-Beau- Haha you made my day with your post. And hi back to you lol. So you think that it would be better to tell him say... next week, then before he moves in with me? That's what anchihiro said too. I guess it would be more fair to him- I just thought that we would be more close when we lived together. I don't know. I guess if I told him, and something did happen, it would be better for both of us if he wasn't living with me...

Should I just say:
I don't find you attractive at all, you're like a brother to me, but I like some other dudes?

 

[jojo84]

Don't get naked, i dont know how you thought that would be logical.

lol. Exactly what I was thinking.

 

[TX-Beau]

Should I just say:
I don't find you attractive at all, you're like a brother to me, but I like some other dudes?

No, it should be pretty clear that you aren't hitting on him, and since you aren't interested in him, I wouldn't say or do anything that might put that idea in his head. If you just treat him like you always do, I'm sure he'll get the picture.

If he brings it up, you can laugh it off, and say the above, but there's no need to go there unless he wants you to clarify.

 

[pai mei]

i dont think you should say one way or the other whether you're attracted to him or not. it doesn't matter imo.


i'd just... TELL HIM.... if that's what you wanna do. (and it is, trust me, it is) go over to him and say you have something you wanna talk to him about, so that u're forced into a situation where you have to tell him.

more importantly though, you're worried about him blowing up, maybe telling others, etc.... why haven't you told your parents?

 

[I-Like-Dudes]

jojo84: Haha I know. I don't think it's a good idea lol.

TX-Beau: Yea, that makes sense. Thanks again!

pai mei: Yea, it probably doesn't matter if I'm attracted to him. (although then I don't understand why some people are homophobic. I thought that was the whole reason why??) And as someone above already said, I don't wanna act like it's a big deal. And my parents? Ehh. I thought about it, but I don't think that it would benefit me at all. If they were surprised, though, I'd be shocked. Haha, I was planning on coming out to my friend, and then to a few other friends if it went well. Then, go from there..

What I'll probably do, is do some school work with him next week, and then just bring it up. Just wait for a quiet and less-tense time, and say that I'm bi. Take his questions, and be done with it.
I'm still unsure of whether his girlfriend should be around, though. On one hand, I think she'd be good because she'd support me.. But I think it'd be better if I told him alone.That way he could ask questions freely and do as he pleases... For some reason, that seems to be the only thing that I'm hung on about. Girlfriend (who's a good friend of mine) or no girlfriend... I guess it just matters if next week feels like the right time or not.

THANKS AGAIN EVERYONE

 

[jojo84]

I think a positive of you telling him w/ his GF is that he couldn't logically think you were coming onto him (esp. if you stress how impt. it is for you to tell them both, you would like their joined support, etc etc)

Not sure this could be over thought anymore though!

 

[I-Like-Dudes]

Yea you're right Jojo. I guess telling them both at the same time would be the best. And it would be least awkward. And you're also right that I've been overthinking this lol. At least I have all the bases covered. Now, what color shirt should I be wearing? Lmao

 

[jojo84]

Yea you're right Jojo. I guess telling them both at the same time would be the best. And it would be least awkward. And you're also right that I've been overthinking this lol. At least I have all the bases covered. Now, what color shirt should I be wearing? Lmao

lol. definitely rainbow - really drive the message home

 

[andrew thomas]

Hi I like Dude,

I think the simple way is a best way. Like other suggestion. sit him down talk to him before he moves in. told him you are gay and you see him just like your brother nothing else. If he is open mind enough and don't mind . then everything is ok. at least he know what he is getting into and not feel trap with no way out. This if fair to both of you. whether you need his GF seat in with your guy I don't think it matter. He is the one who move into you home. he should be the one who matter most. don't you think ? ler us know what happen. good luck.

andrew

 

[I-Like-Dudes]

Thanks guys! Yea, i probably should wear a rainbow shirt haha.

And Andrew, thanks for your suggestions. I'll just make it quick and painless in a few days, and keep you guys updated. I probably will tell his girlfriend after he knows. I think he should be alone.

Thank you everyone for your support and for really helping me to know what to do. It means a lot!

 

[MoltenRock III]

Don't tell his girlfriend. Let him decide if she should be told. So many women that are ok with homos until their boyfriend is hanging out with one all the time; she'll get jealous. If his girlfriend doesn't like him having female friends, or she herself doesn't have female friends she will likely be a psycho about him hanging out so much.

It's the most ridiculous thing I've had to deal with being gay... My str8 friends nut job women.

 

[I-Like-Dudes]

Don't tell his girlfriend. Let him decide if she should be told. So many women that are ok with homos until their boyfriend is hanging out with one all the time; she'll get jealous. If his girlfriend doesn't like him having female friends, or she herself doesn't have female friends she will likely be a psycho about him hanging out so much.

It's the most ridiculous thing I've had to deal with being gay... My str8 friends nut job women.

Oh my God I did not think that would be a problem, especially since he's straight! Ughh but he's not allowed to have ANY friends that are girls. You really think she'd get jealous? Oh great lol. Thanks a lot for letting me know this, as I really didn't think about how jealous she gets of his other friends...

And geeze, I can't believe the responses I'm getting to this. I think I really like JUB

 

[MoltenRock III]

Oh my God I did not think that would be a problem, especially since he's straight! Ughh but he's not allowed to have ANY friends that are girls. You really think she'd get jealous? Oh great lol. Thanks a lot for letting me know this, as I really didn't think about how jealous she gets of his other friends...

And geeze, I can't believe the responses I'm getting to this. I think I really like JUB

Yes! In fact I'd bet $20 on it. One of my best friends told me his girlfriend wouldn't have a problem, and I bet him as well. Sure enough a few months later when he passed out at my house when we had plenty to drink acussed him of fucking me, even though I was dating someone, and he was in my bed that night while my friend was passed out in the guest room. So silly, but that's women for you.

 

[I-Like-Dudes]

Oh geeze that sucks. Haha now I really want to come out, to see what happens. Curiousity killed the cat