Ok guys I need your help with this and apologies for the length of post. I have known this guy Jeff for about 20 years. For 10 years we were best friends. He is straight and I have never been sexually attracted to him but I was emotionally close because I didn't have any other friends due to being closeted and not wanting people getting close and asking questions. About 4 years ago I came out to him which was awkward because he waivered between telling me I wasn't gay and he'd snap me out of it and accepting that I was gay. The whole thing got so confused that I never spoke to him about it again. Despite that the reaction was positive and he didn't seem to have any problem about it afterwards. However on the day I came out to him he suggested that I talk to his wife about it but I was so confused by his waivering reactions that I backed off and asked him not to say anything to her because I thought at the time I had made a mistake in coming out to him.
Things seemed OK afterwards and we carried on as normal. At the time he was doing some consultancy work for me part time. A few months later I found that during the hours I was paying him, he had sometimes been working on his own stuff. The first time I caught him he apologised and made some excuse and I let it go. Then a month later I caught him at it again. I didn't confront him but he knew I knew and he offered no excuse or explanation. Shortly after this he stopped coming into work, with no explanation and when I called he said he'd be in next week and wasn't and so I had to go and see him and said we should call it a day on the work front and from his reaction I could see it was what he wanted but just wouldn't say so. Anyway that's when the problems set in. I felt pretty shitty to be honest that this guy had kindof ripped me off despite being best friends, and the fact that he couldn't just tell me that he wanted to go and instead went through this whole charade to make me do it instead. He had also let me down on a couple of other work related things. We had been work colleagues, best friends for 10 years, been on holiday together, I had been at his 21st, engagement, wedding, was Godfather to his 2 children, and his kids call me Uncle, and I know his family well. I have always looked out for him and been there for him. These facts made me feel worse about it. All I wanted from him was an explanation or apology so we could clear the air and move on, but I never got it. Instead he just wanted to pretend nothing happened and carry on as if everything was fine.
This is a pattern I have seen all the time I have known him. He would just do whatever suited him with no regard for whether he broke appointments, trod on or used people because at the end of it he would just carry on like nothing happened and the other person would end up doubting themselves and he would get off the hook for his behavoir without ever having to explain or apologise. I have seen him do it to others so many times but never before to me and I wasn't gonna let him get away with that with me. If I tried to raise the subject he cut me off and then didn't speak to me for months, and would then phone as if nothing had happened. If I tried again the same thing would happen. Anyway for 2 years we had a very superficial friendship where we kindof pretended that everything was ok, but there was no closeness there anymore for me. I could sense he wanted to improve things between us but on his terms. I could never get closure on what had happened because he would never discuss it and it was made worse by the fact that he would just cut me off if I wanted to say how I felt about how he had treated me. I was just left angry that he had treated me like that. There had been other times in the past where he had done things and I had let him of the hook and carried on just to save the friendship. Anyway about 2 years ago we met up and had lunch and seemed to get on ok and I brought up the subject to try to clear the air finally and he stonewalled me again. Later I sent him a text saying "we seem to have lost the ability to communicate" He called me and we ended up having a row because as soon as I tried to explain how I felt he immediately shut me down and wouldn't discuss it and ended up hanging up.
Since then I have been pretty much cut out of his and his family's life. I used to always see them at Christmas and Easter, we would get together for birthdays and we'd stay over at each others houses. Now all these events go by and I never here from them. If I contact them before hand he says he'll call me back to arrange this or that and never does. It seems for more than a year like I was doing all the contacting and keeping in touch. He never initiated anything. Anyway about 6 months ago he finally phoned and we agreed that him and his family would come and stay over for the weekend at my house which they did, and I put a lot of effort into it, to try and repair things, and although it still wasn't like it once was, we had probably the best meet up we had had for a few years. It ended with them saying they would invite me over during the Christmas break. It got to Christmas Eve and I hadn't heard from them so I texted them Happy Christmas etc and he texted me back saying he would call me in a couple of days to arrange a meet up. A week later he called for a brief chat and said he expected that I would be about to go on holiday because I usually go away just before New Year, every year (but not this year.) He finished saying he would check with his wife when would be a good time for me to come over and call me back. A week later he called and said the same I'll check and come back to you and arrange etc, which he didn't do and since then has done this again twice. A month ago he finally arranged to come over one lunchtime for a bite to eat and a beer, and on the day I hadn't heard from him as to where or when we were meeting so I texted him asking if he was still coming. He said " Probably, but plan your day as if I'm not coming, but I'll call you shortly and let you know one way or the other." He never called. Two weeks later he phoned like nothing had happened and said the usual I'll come back and arrange this etc and as usual didn't. But that last time I wasn't as friendly and outgoing as before because I wanted him to know that I didn't like the way he was treating me but I didn't want to reproach him because of the fragile nature of our friendship. Before then I had remained friendly because I know that this is the last chance to save our friendship. He called me on friday but I didn't take the call and instead let him leave a message. His message acknowledged that he keeps changing the meetings but it was done in a jokey way like it didn't matter, and saying he would be around on Thursday and wanted to meet me for lunch. So far I haven't called him back. I really don't know what to do, because anytime I interact with this guy I end up feeling hurt, used or pissed off at him. In between Christmas and now have been my birthday, his and his wife's birthdays and Easter, all of which we used to get together for and for which this time I was just ignored. The cynical part of me thinks he has an ulterior motive for this lunch meeting. I know that two Companies who owed him money went bankrupt in the last couple of months and that he may be looking for financial assistance from me, although I have no evidence of that except gut feeling. I don't know whether this whole situation is my fault for not just letting the initial thing go or whether I was right to expect more of a best friend. I just don't know whether to ignor him and finish it once and for all or whether to meet him for lunch this week (assuming he doesn't end up cancelling again) and give it one last shot, although I don't really know if there is anything left to save or build on anymore. Comments greatfully appreciated.
Things seemed OK afterwards and we carried on as normal. At the time he was doing some consultancy work for me part time. A few months later I found that during the hours I was paying him, he had sometimes been working on his own stuff. The first time I caught him he apologised and made some excuse and I let it go. Then a month later I caught him at it again. I didn't confront him but he knew I knew and he offered no excuse or explanation. Shortly after this he stopped coming into work, with no explanation and when I called he said he'd be in next week and wasn't and so I had to go and see him and said we should call it a day on the work front and from his reaction I could see it was what he wanted but just wouldn't say so. Anyway that's when the problems set in. I felt pretty shitty to be honest that this guy had kindof ripped me off despite being best friends, and the fact that he couldn't just tell me that he wanted to go and instead went through this whole charade to make me do it instead. He had also let me down on a couple of other work related things. We had been work colleagues, best friends for 10 years, been on holiday together, I had been at his 21st, engagement, wedding, was Godfather to his 2 children, and his kids call me Uncle, and I know his family well. I have always looked out for him and been there for him. These facts made me feel worse about it. All I wanted from him was an explanation or apology so we could clear the air and move on, but I never got it. Instead he just wanted to pretend nothing happened and carry on as if everything was fine.
This is a pattern I have seen all the time I have known him. He would just do whatever suited him with no regard for whether he broke appointments, trod on or used people because at the end of it he would just carry on like nothing happened and the other person would end up doubting themselves and he would get off the hook for his behavoir without ever having to explain or apologise. I have seen him do it to others so many times but never before to me and I wasn't gonna let him get away with that with me. If I tried to raise the subject he cut me off and then didn't speak to me for months, and would then phone as if nothing had happened. If I tried again the same thing would happen. Anyway for 2 years we had a very superficial friendship where we kindof pretended that everything was ok, but there was no closeness there anymore for me. I could sense he wanted to improve things between us but on his terms. I could never get closure on what had happened because he would never discuss it and it was made worse by the fact that he would just cut me off if I wanted to say how I felt about how he had treated me. I was just left angry that he had treated me like that. There had been other times in the past where he had done things and I had let him of the hook and carried on just to save the friendship. Anyway about 2 years ago we met up and had lunch and seemed to get on ok and I brought up the subject to try to clear the air finally and he stonewalled me again. Later I sent him a text saying "we seem to have lost the ability to communicate" He called me and we ended up having a row because as soon as I tried to explain how I felt he immediately shut me down and wouldn't discuss it and ended up hanging up.
Since then I have been pretty much cut out of his and his family's life. I used to always see them at Christmas and Easter, we would get together for birthdays and we'd stay over at each others houses. Now all these events go by and I never here from them. If I contact them before hand he says he'll call me back to arrange this or that and never does. It seems for more than a year like I was doing all the contacting and keeping in touch. He never initiated anything. Anyway about 6 months ago he finally phoned and we agreed that him and his family would come and stay over for the weekend at my house which they did, and I put a lot of effort into it, to try and repair things, and although it still wasn't like it once was, we had probably the best meet up we had had for a few years. It ended with them saying they would invite me over during the Christmas break. It got to Christmas Eve and I hadn't heard from them so I texted them Happy Christmas etc and he texted me back saying he would call me in a couple of days to arrange a meet up. A week later he called for a brief chat and said he expected that I would be about to go on holiday because I usually go away just before New Year, every year (but not this year.) He finished saying he would check with his wife when would be a good time for me to come over and call me back. A week later he called and said the same I'll check and come back to you and arrange etc, which he didn't do and since then has done this again twice. A month ago he finally arranged to come over one lunchtime for a bite to eat and a beer, and on the day I hadn't heard from him as to where or when we were meeting so I texted him asking if he was still coming. He said " Probably, but plan your day as if I'm not coming, but I'll call you shortly and let you know one way or the other." He never called. Two weeks later he phoned like nothing had happened and said the usual I'll come back and arrange this etc and as usual didn't. But that last time I wasn't as friendly and outgoing as before because I wanted him to know that I didn't like the way he was treating me but I didn't want to reproach him because of the fragile nature of our friendship. Before then I had remained friendly because I know that this is the last chance to save our friendship. He called me on friday but I didn't take the call and instead let him leave a message. His message acknowledged that he keeps changing the meetings but it was done in a jokey way like it didn't matter, and saying he would be around on Thursday and wanted to meet me for lunch. So far I haven't called him back. I really don't know what to do, because anytime I interact with this guy I end up feeling hurt, used or pissed off at him. In between Christmas and now have been my birthday, his and his wife's birthdays and Easter, all of which we used to get together for and for which this time I was just ignored. The cynical part of me thinks he has an ulterior motive for this lunch meeting. I know that two Companies who owed him money went bankrupt in the last couple of months and that he may be looking for financial assistance from me, although I have no evidence of that except gut feeling. I don't know whether this whole situation is my fault for not just letting the initial thing go or whether I was right to expect more of a best friend. I just don't know whether to ignor him and finish it once and for all or whether to meet him for lunch this week (assuming he doesn't end up cancelling again) and give it one last shot, although I don't really know if there is anything left to save or build on anymore. Comments greatfully appreciated.
