Should I kill myself?

[mbamike]

Hedronix, I was in a similar situation as you a few years ago, except I am much older and was trying to live straight. Then I decided to do something about my situation.

I confronted my gayness, found a guy online just to determine if I was gay or not. Yes, I was a gay virgin.

The sex was WONDERFUL! Now, I'm hooking up with guys quite frequently. Some may consider me to be a slut, but that is their problem. I am having the time of my life!

I lost weight! I put myself on a 1200-1500 calorie, high protein diet. The weight just fell off!

Looks like I'm getting a job too! I have sent out hundreds of resumes', been on numerous interviews, and been rejected a great deal . . . Until a couple of weeks ago!

I have been through two internal screenings and two phone interviews. The last interview was with the department's director who is the hiring manager. The company still wants me! I have to wait until after the holidays to continue the interview process, but the situation is looking promising!

So, your situation doesn't have to remain as it is; you can change it. Best wishes to you!

 

[onetwothreefour]

onetwothreefour, you really sound like a duplicate of me, especially this bit:




which makes the whole thing even more banal and pathetic.

I would really have to become a completely different person to not feel like I do, do you realize that I don't even have a single friend or acquaintance, I don't even have a cellphone because there is not single person that would call me or that I would call, I can't even remember when was the last time I used a phone or talked to a non-store person.

I even avoid going outside because whenever I see a cute young guy I feel a deep gut-wrenching pain, I'm sure you know the feeling well. My whole life has just been about deprivation. I can now say that I totally understand why deranged people of all kinds and serial killers exist.

I'm at a dead-end, I'm too old for anything and it can only get worse, there is no sense to fool myself any longer.

Being isolated would be depressing to anyone. It's great you are reaching out here. Where do you live? I think there are ways for you to reach out more. When I had a particularly bad spell for a year or so, a woman from the local community services board came out to meet with me three times a week to take me out into the community and socialize with me.

You are right in that these feelings are serious and you deserve a change. You deserve connection with other people. All I can say about the age is that I can relate, but that the *feeling* about it is not irreversible. There are some days I feel better than others and I don't think I'm too old. Even if the facts of your life don't change, your feelings about them will. Depression is a feeling, and it does get better.

I see both a psychiatrist and a psychologist and while they are not a cure-all, it does help, if for nothing else than feeling that someone completely understands me. Do you see a psychologist right now? I would highly recommend that. You don't have to hide anything from a psychologist; they should not be shocked at anything you have to say.

I'm very sorry for the way you are feeling. Just remember things can change—the way you see and feel things will change eventually if you just exist during this time to see it through. And when it does change you'll be glad you're still here.

Take good care--what my therapist calls good self care--and keep writing.

Edit: Also, whenever you're feeling lonely, go to crazyboards.org and enter the chatroom. They have a really friendly bunch there who are very understanding of all of life's issues.

 

[Seasoned]

There is no argument that will change your mind. I'm sure you got to this place after a long time and with lots of thought. Self talk can be debilitating, however, because there's no outside counterpoint. We all have internal and external lives and what keeps most of us afloat is that oftentimes when one goes haywire the other sees us through. We all are in trouble when both are in the toliet.

I think by choosing life more than 20 years ago, when I was at my lowest point, I made the right decision. In fact, I doubt there is one recorded case of a decision not to take one's life that has been regretted.

We need to draw upon two elements, acceptance and courage. Accepting the things we can't change, ie, shitty parents, childhood, etc, and mustering up the courage to change what we can, job, home, associations, most things really, are the two major tools we always have available.

There is also such a thing as mental illness, which clouds thinking and needs treatment just as much as any physical illness does. When my mind was sick, I discovered that listening to it was just plain nuts. Once I stopped I got better-mind and body.

 

[MrRochesterNY]

As a cure for lonliness, depression, and isolation, this might not work for everybody, but it's worth a try. Get youself a pet or several pets. Once you get attached to them, and they to you, it will give you something to live for, something living to care about and that needs you.

I am a cat person and have four young cats. Believe me, you get attached to them and they give you at least a little reason for living. And who knows, if you get a dog, you might begin to socialize with other pet owners and meet someone that way.

 

[bw92116]

Wow what great advice in this thread. We can always count on Seasoned for eloquently written and to-the-point advice, but all the other posts are great too. I couldn't add much of value except to keep in touch with nature, at all times of the year, go to a park or nature preserve and just look and listen; be around pets, even if you're not the owner, pets are still very loving and life-affirming, be in places with plenty of people; don't isolate yourself too much and don't dwell on yourself excessively, look at the world and enjoy the world; there is a lot out there for you to enjoy every day.

 

[ben9651]

There is no argument that will change your mind.

I agree with Seasoned.

If someone wants to kill himself , he will one way or another.
Just think about the positive things in your life instead of focusing on the negative ones,and you`ll see that it isn`t that bad!

NO boyfriend ? SO FUCKING WHAT,u`ll get one!
bald ? bald guys are hot!
AGING ? ur prolly exaggerating , ur only 34 y.o


Its easy to complain about what you dont have or lack instead of acting on changing it.Get urself together and live LIFE!

 

[menRsexii]

Boy, do I know how you feel. I don't physically look like you but I can sympathize your feelings because I understand. At times, I feel absolutely hopeless, depressed, unwanted, abnormal, unworthy, etc. And yes, I'm not going to lie, I have thought about killing myself, and suicidal thoughts are more common than you may think. And they're just that -- thoughts. I hope I will never actually go through with them even though they seem like good ideas at times. Please don't make any rash decisions and get help.

 

[Telstra]

Your English writing is excellent.
Go to China or non English speaking country and teach English. They need you.

Have you traveled yet?
I haven't yet, just wait until i have travel.

 

[cocksucker4use]

Your English writing is excellent.
Go to China or non English speaking country and teach English. They need you.

Have you traveled yet?
I haven't yet, just wait until i have travel.

To answer your question: No, you should not kill yourself. Get help tonite.

I have suffered from depression off and on my whole life. I sincerely realize that it is very hard to get yourself up. That's why you need help. Call the hotline someone suggested above. They will help you find resources in your area. The county health department should have mental health. Search for a support group in your area or a nearby city. You absolutely must connect with someone who can help you through this period, and tonite would not be too soon. Seriously, suicidal ideation is a medical emergency. Take a moment and imagine you had chest pain and were short of breath. Would you lay down to die, or get scared and call 911?

It seems like, because of your depression you are immobilized. You seek escape in video games (?). Please do not isolate yourself this way. Get out. Volunteer somewhere. Animal shelters, nursing homes, whatever. Interact with others and get out. Change your focus from beating yourself up to helping those less fortunate than yourself. Sometimes volunteering can lead to a job. It is also a resume filler.

Being out of shape or overweight is a symptom of depression. One thing you can do about it right now is get up from your computer and walk. Just walk outside for 20 minutes, 3 times during the next week. Then 20 minutes daily the following week. Increase the time. Think about other physical activity. The more physical activity you get, the less you will be depressed. Period. As you start to see change, you want to keep going.

Look up a dietary plan online...there are some free ones that plot food intake and account for exercise, and you can enter what you eat and you activity, etc. Dropping some weight will make you feel better and feel more attractive. As you feel more attractive, you will be attractive to others.

Have you considered relocating? Like the Boss says, I was born n raised in a small town. As soon as I could -- like 18 -- I bailed and went to Chicago and now live in Oakland, CA. There is nothing for gays in a small, rural town. Few job opportunities, few romantic/sex options and little opportunity for support and a positive lifestyle.

Oh, and try shaving or buzzing your head, and doing something with facial hair. Being totally bald is a good, clean look. It is cheap (no haircuts) and real easy to keep up. It also takes the focus off your hair loss -- for you and others around you.

 

[PrometheusBound]

This thread is wonderfully helpful to me, I hope it helps Hedronix and others. I struggle with suicidal thoughts at times, mostly due to being bipolar with PTSD and a pack of phobias, all likely the result of a sexual abuse childhood. I cope by not being alone, going to a therapist weekly, staying on my bipolar meds, and trying to avoid stress and abuse triggers. Some of the threads in the kinks section are loaded with triggers, but I just have to learn to skip over those topics.

I have friends and family that love me now after 22 years of a life not worth living; leaving that behind let my real life finally start. When I have suicidal thoughts now, it's just my nightmares and past overshadowing me. I call a friend, talk to my family, or call my therapist until the thoughts go away.

Thank you everybody for your posts. It helps so much!

 

[chrisw87]

Coming from a law enforcement background, depression can be a very tough thing for people to confront and come through but it is worth it.

I won't offer much advise in this regard as the other posters here have done a good job, however;

EXERCISE!

Not only will this help the issue that you feel regarding weight but it releases feel-good chemicals in your brain. If you absolutely punish your body through a fantastic workout, you end up with a nice mental buzz and high for a while.

The best thing ever is goal setting, watching yourself meet those goals and slowly witnessing your body change.

Exercise is a wonderful thing and I am glad to have gone through a boot-camp style recruitment for law enforcement in my past. It really opened my eyes.

 

[Telstra]

Coming from a law enforcement background, depression can be a very tough thing for people to confront and come through but it is worth it.

I won't offer much advise in this regard as the other posters here have done a good job, however;

EXERCISE!

Not only will this help the issue that you feel regarding weight but it releases feel-good chemicals in your brain. If you absolutely punish your body through a fantastic workout, you end up with a nice mental buzz and high for a while.

The best thing ever is goal setting, watching yourself meet those goals and slowly witnessing your body change.

Exercise is a wonderful thing and I am glad to have gone through a boot-camp style recruitment for law enforcement in my past. It really opened my eyes.

ok the magic words for the over weight.

Walk walk walk ............ just walk dam it, as slow or as fast as you want.
Then, run, run, run ............... run but not necessary.

 

[Ambrocious]

Your life can expand out in many different ways, and you don't have to be sexy to appreciated, important, needed, and even wanted. I think that I do fall into your situation in some sort, only I AM obese (OMG confession!) and my life is pretty sad as well.

One way I find to change my life is to force myself to think positive. If you inject entropy into your thought patterns then all you will get back is yet more entropy. If you ARE good at doing something, focus on being BETTER at that. Don't be afraid to try something outside of your paradigm as life is CONSTANTLY and consistently expanding into new avenues.

I feel as though you are basing your reasons for death on the material world in which we all live in and NOT on your own life as you can build up first by your own mind. Even when you think that you have went the furthest that you can go, you would be wrong. Try new things constantly, even things that seem or appear boring.

If you only allow negativity to influence your life, you unknowingly PROJECT out energy that others will be repelled by. I find that humor is a gateway to healing, try some humor therapy. I find that knowledge is a gateway to expansion and life, learn about everything and anything as often as you are presented with a trouble to life's issues.

Giving up on life leaves you open to the next realm PREMATURELY. You enter into the next form of energy in which no living person can tell you for sure "what exactly" is beyond here.

On the knowledge part, if you want to expand your understanding of things (it gives you purpose and a reason to thrive) please visit http://www.wanttoknow.info/


People often do not know one other seemingly hidden thing that helps pretty much every human being on earth to FEEL BETTER and to actually BE BETTER, inside and out. Helping out others who are less fortunate than you gives you a purpose to life. Also, when you begin to see your efforts come to fruition, you start to realize that you can do much more than you perceived beforehand.


I'm sure that there are numerous more reasons why you feel like you should die but most of all, losing the will to want to live was my milestone that I had to decide on. When I got to that point in life where I felt like I was numb to the insanity of the world and I had failed so many times it seemed absurd to try anymore, I had to kick myself in the ass, or decide to keep feeling the same way that I was feeling.


*LIFE SUCKS, NO QUESTION ABOUT THAT*
We have to decide to make it better or it WILL NOT BE. Thinking positive DOES NOT JUST AFFECT you yourself. Humanity is more connected than anyone can possibly conceive. You can actually gather a stadium full of people and have them all trained to meditate on positivity and the whole world could literally feel the change (research this).


No one can tell you what your life means but I can say that life has meaning. Give yourself another chance and KEEP trying. Knowledge can give you a reason to keep going. The RIGHT KIND of knowledge can hurl you into both positive and negative things but that's OK, life is as such.



Don't kill yourself...the world is a stage prepped for life to shape it in the way in which we choose it to be. Your life will start to change ONLY when you make your mind and heart up to make it change. I don't know you, but I want you to try to live, and not for the sake of others, but for YOUR OWN sake.

 

[Ambrocious]

I thought I might add something here. I know some guys that are balding and are sexy (yes, that IS true). Life will always be a struggle and there really is no escaping that aspect of living. Most people who are perplexed by life often feel like they never fit in and have never really fit in and yet those people are the ones who can actually help shape the future of mankind in amazing ways that other ordinary people can not, and most likely will never be able to.

So consider some things: do you feel so different than others because of usual things or because you don't seem to fit in with everything? Trust me when I say that I am the odd ball out here on JUB. Just go into the political section and have a look at a few of my posts....then you might feel a tad bit better having read them (lol?).

I'm not here to try and talk you out of killing yourself but I am here none the less and I just have to say that life...no matter how much value we give it, it IS very valuable.


I am 28 years old. I'm not as old as you of course and so I can't say that I know exactly what you are feeling but I can say this...I have went threw a great many different trials than most people on here know about, feel free to ask me if you want to hear them.

Message someone on here named Don Quixote as he is a legend and a true gentleman. Whenever he has time to respond to you, I promise that your conversation will be engaging and inspiring most likely.



Please Google the video called "THRIVE: What On Earth Will It Take?" and watch it all the way threw (might be on YouTube in FULL, check there first, include the "full" after the search key, but don't wait for long to see it as it is consistently being removed). This documentary showed me why life seemingly MORE THAN sucks but at the end, it shows what we can do about it.


I really hope this helps...we can only suggest things. It's up to you to try them.


Message me if you want to talk. I'll listen.

 

[DeNerval]

the reality is that if you're not happy with your life, you don't have to worry: you (and all of us) are going to die anyway.

in the meantime, why not try to take in the things that DO make life worth living. even if it's the smallest pleasures.

and the problems you bring up in your post are in fact problems that can be solved. i would suggest talking to a professional who can not only help you find ways to overcome this outward problems, but also help you to understand the underlying issues that have allowed these problems to consume to the point of contemplating suicide.

 

[Darted]

First off, bald guys are HOT! Second, you're only 34. A LOT can happen in little time, you've still got over 40 years ahead of you. And as for being single, you should try going to a club or a gay-friendly bar and striking a conversation up with someone. If you're too shy to do so, just sit there with a drink and wait for them to come to you.

If your body is 'deteriorating', you need to take better care of it because I've seen 40-50 year old's that have such a great sex appeal to them...

 

[mjc_102]

Wow, just reading all these posts showing compassion and empathy for an individual in difficulty shows what a caring community we are.

I really hope Hedronix read all these posts and followed all the great advice.

I know when you are feeling down, its difficult to think of anything positive about yourself, or life generally. It may sound obvious, but If your mood improved it is likely that these thoughts you have about yourself would become more positive. By following some of the advice listed about, such as exercise, or talking to a professional (or even visiting your GP for anti-depressant medication can be helpful in some cases) you will start to feel better about yourself, and hopefully this will give you the momentum to continue in this direction

 

[djunkie]

I'm 34, balding, unemployed, gay, never had sex/boyfriend, overweight(but not obese per se).

Had a really rotten childhood and teens and 20ies. Also live in quite small community and country, not rural but small.

I was never actually suicidal in the sense that I would actually make real steps to kill myself but I feel like it's time, since things will only get worse, I can only get older and balder. I can see and feel my body deteriorate, my face changing too, it's disgusting.

I can't think of any reason why I should live. I don't want to think or feel anymore, I thought and felt everything that could be thought and felt by a person like me. At this point I find thinking and feeling about anything tiresome, redundant and pathetic.

All I see in front of me is this gigantic bottomless despair. Do you think it would be good if a person like my should just stop procrastinating and get it over it already?

I still feel a jolt of queasiness and feel unnatural when thinking about it but I think this is just a primitive biological imperative that must be overcome.

How would you suggest to do it? I don't have gun, pills or anything like that, what would i have to do to have a non-botched painless suicide?

One...giving anyone information on how to kill themselves can be mis interpreted as assisted suicide...Which is highly illegal. You are on this earth for a reason. and you need to stay here. Sure...life has sucked...a lot. But, you have so much to give to this world. You just need to find out what it is. I would go speak to a therapist! He/She can help you figure out where your depression is coming from and help you deal with your depression. Suicide is never the answer. It harms everyone around you. Take it from me. I lost my dad to suicide.

 

[Phlash]

I almost don't want to give any advice because of how fucked up I am. I usually like to avoid these topics like the plague. Suicide is something that I've thought about every day for the past....uh, damn. 10 years? Not so much like "I'm going to kill myself" so much as "Am I going to kill myself one day?" Like, I think that one day I might get to that point. It really use to scare me and it still does if I don't take my pills. Insane crushing feelings of hopelessness an fear. Tons of people have it way worse than I do, I understand. That's not my fucking fault though. I just need to worry about why I'm feeling this way. I'm thinking about therapy. Had a couple bad experiences with shrinks as a kid so IDK. My meds work with the internal uh... psychical....feelings. If that makes any sense. lol. It's not something that I can really describe. That knot in my stomach/brain whatever that makes me think about these things.

Good luck to you. You could go talk to a doctor about some medication if you want to. IDK what your feelings are about that. I use to be one of the people that didn't want to be on a pill every day, but I'm over that now.

If you ever want you can PM me. I like a lot of video games. I only played the beginning of the first Mass Effect. I just thought I had better games at the moment to keep up with it though. Maybe at some point I'll revisit it. Right now I'm being a total MW3 nerd though.

Take care,
Andy

 

[teadrinker]

I won't add much to the excellent advice already given; but speaking as one with chronic depression (for which I take medication daily), I can't recommend getting to a doctor highly enough. And the sooner the better. You may benefit from counselling (phone services are available, I'm sure), but in the first instance I would ensure you find a reliable doctor and some good anti-depressants.

-T.