Should I stay or should I go?

[wooffy]

You have a decision to make- if you want a fulfulling, well-rounded relationship then you're going to have to take a risk, be on your own and go through the process of finding someone else. Your alternative is to accept the friends-without-benefits arrangement that you have while simultaneously seeking out other means of finding sexual gratification - at your own hand or the hand of a willing third-party.

Don't you think its awfully judgemental to reduce a whole relationship to "friends without benefits" just because sex is no longer part of the picture?

 

[Just_Believe18]

Yeah, you need to break up with him. You've cheated on him more than all the sex you'e had in 12 years with your boyfriend? That's... pretty bad.

What are you holding onto? It sounds like you're great friends who live well together, but you're not in an intimate relationship.

 

[altlover85]

Don't you think its awfully judgemental to reduce a whole relationship to "friends without benefits" just because sex is no longer part of the picture?

The OP hasn't told us what the positive parts of the relationship are. So far, I've read about a sexless relationship between a guy really trying to make things work and someone who seems resistant to even small changes. They also have communication issues.

I think even "friends with benefits" is being pretty nice for this arrangement. I think the OP needs to move on. He seems like a pretty decent guy.

OP, if you could, could you tell us about the positive parts of your relationship?

Yeah, you need to break up with him. You've cheated on him more than all the sex you'e had in 12 years with your boyfriend? That's... pretty bad.

I don't think that's the case. Here is what I thought he said.

To give you an idea how little sex we've had, it's safe to say that I had more in the first month with my previous boyfriend than in twelve years with my current one.

 

[KaraBulut]

I’ve been in a monogamous, committed relationship with my boyfriend for twelve years. ...

My boyfriend and I love each other and he is completely devoted to me, but I can still imagine finding happiness with someone else. I no longer find him sexually attractive, mostly due to a combination of not having sex for so long and his attitude towards it...

I’m thinking I should get out, but I’m still uncertain. I fear that not having the constant companionship may turn out to be even more painful that not having any sex, but I also feel so trapped that I might explode.

he does not readily communicate any feelings other than anger and stress.

My BF has been under a lot of stress... He is easily stressed and does not handle stress well ... Sources of his stress include career, living conditions (noisy neighbors), and medical issues (sinus and stress headaches, RSI). This definitely impacts his sex drive and he has said as much...I offered to cover him on my insurance policy, but he refused to allow it. I suggested numerous small improvements to our living situation which I hoped would reduce his stress, but he was not interested in any of them. I have tried to encourage him to pursue different kinds of education or career paths since RSI prevents him from continuing his previous work, but he is hostile to all suggestions. He's always been strangely adverse to making simple changes that could improve his life. So please do not think that I have not been supportive of his needs. There's only so much I can do.

...To give you an idea how little sex we've had, it's safe to say that I had more in the first month with my previous boyfriend than in twelve years with my current one. It's a struggle just to get him to cuddle....

Don't you think its awfully judgemental to reduce a whole relationship to "friends without benefits" just because sex is no longer part of the picture?

No judgment- the words from the OP are very clear. He's not happy with the way things are and what is described above is a devoted friend and companion but not the devoted lover that the OP says he wants.

To be clear, sex is not the focus of long-term relationships. There's a lot of things that make up a successful long-term relationship.

A twelve-year relationship- whether it is between two women, two men or a man and a woman- deserves an attempt to salvage with counseling. Sometimes that counseling may evolve into post-breakup counseling, but that is okay, too.

Inertia is a very strong force in relationships- it's much easier to stay together when you're not completely happy than it is to be alone and go through the dating process all over again.

And in this case, there's two people who have issues that they're not dealing with. There is one who is subtly controlling the relationship, who is unable to express affection, who is unable to perform sexually and who does not want to communicate about the elephant in the room. But there's another who enables the behavior, makes excuses for it and who is not ready to confront the prospect of being alone. In order for anything to change in the relationship, both parties are going to have to be willing to work on their individual issues, as well as the issues that exist in the relationship.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Gotcha. Thank you for the clarification.

 

[altlover85]

No problem, Just_Believe18!