Should I Tell Everyone That I Am Gay Or Just Let Them Figure It Out Over Time?

[JoeyFromTexas]

I have only come out to one person: a good friend of mine that I have known since high school. And I only told her because I felt that she had to know. She had always been attracted to me and even hoped to one day marry and start a family with me (despite the fact that we were always only friends). So I came out to her because I did not want her wasting anymore of her time on me in that respect.

However, I feel that my sexual orientation should not matter to anyone else (save for some interested dude out there). For this reason, though, I see no reason why I should have to go out of my way to announce to anyone else that I am gay. At the same time, though, I would rather my parents hear about this from me than through gossip or something. I am, after all, out in the sense that if anyone asks about my being gay, I will answer truthfully. I am no longer hiding anything.

My problem, though, is with having to take people whose lives would (and should) not at all be affected by my attraction to men and tell them that I am gay.

Anyone have any insights that they would like to share? Is one way easier or better than the other?

 

[Audio Tech]

I told my family and a few VERY close friends. Anyone else.... only if they bring it up. There is no need to proclaim to the mountaintops that you are gay, but being out is simply NOT lying when asked.

 

[swerve]

I'm the OPPOSITE of Audio Tech...

I tell EVERYONE -- whether it IS their business or NOT!!!

Yes -- EVEN Customer service reps OVER THE PHONE I find a way to slip it in...

And the hair dresser, dry cleaner, grocer -- YOU NAME it...

And I'm FAR from flaming -- I just think that the MORE people KNOW gay people -- the easier it will be for everyone else...

PLUS -- I'm kind of open that way...

 

[Racer Dave]

Hi Joey

I'm sitting with the same problem as you. So far also only told a close friend and my brother found out last night. So far I've been told that it's best to leave it and wait till questioned but would also rather my parents find out from me rather than through the grape vine. For now I've decided to wait till questioned by friends and family. For what it's worth everyone I've told so far (well both of them) has been really suportive.

 

[Lehans]

Hi Joey

I'm sitting with the same problem as you. So far also only told a close friend and my brother found out last night. So far I've been told that it's best to leave it and wait till questioned but would also rather my parents find out from me rather than through the grape vine. For now I've decided to wait till questioned by friends and family. For what it's worth everyone I've told so far (well both of them) has been really suportive.

I read your thread about this the other day--it was really inspiring.

I would do what most of the others have suggested: just let your sexuality come into question when it does; you don't need to proclaim it.

However, your personality also plays a role. I'm sure the more shy people wouldn't want to proclaim it. But the more outgoing and/or flamboyant person may enjoy telling everybody. There's nothing wrong with either approach, but it's just a matter of your natural character.


I once took a course in college discussing LGBT issues and society. An opening gay educator and resident director of the dorms once told us that in order for other people to accept you, you must first accept yourself. This... to him meant proclaiming his sexuality at high volume to the entire classroom of 20 people.

That wouldn't be my approach, but I guess it's worked for him for some number of years.

 

[Smitho]

I am with swerve, I am not a flaming queen, but everyone knows I am gay. If I meet someone new, I will just slip in a reference to my BF or something, so everyone is on the same page. I find it easier and I am happy, I have developed a few ways over time.

Everyone makes their own decision and justifies it to themselves in some way. It is no ones direct business but I have to be honest with friends, and it is an important part of me. If you don't like it then fine, please go your way. But I am not going to hide because I worry how a stranger will react, and I am happy living an open and full life. I don't see how you can truly do that while still keeping your toes in the closet?

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Joey,

First of all, welcome to JUB and please feel free to ask all kind of questions over here.

Others have already given you some answers. People are different, so you will also get different answers. Besides that, open gays might give you another reply as guys who are (semi-)closeted.

Your profile indicates that you are 24 and single. Well, having a boyfriend is a very easy way to let people know you are gay.

So how did your best female friend reacted? Does she know that she is allowed to tell others that you are gay? 'The news goes around' is a very easy way to let people know. So you don't need to tell alot of people, but they tell it each other.

Smitho (an open gay) told you: I will just slip in a reference to my BF or something, so everyone is on the same page. Be aware that most (all?) of your straight friends / aquaintances of around your age and with a girlfriend will often talk about this girlfriend. Are they hiding to you (or to anyone else) that they have a GF? No. So why should you hide that you have a BF?

So having a boyfriend will make is very easy to people around you to let them know that you are gay. 'Hey, JoeyFromTexas hs a boyfriend, so that means he must be gay'. So no need to tell ppl you are gay, as only gay males have a boyfriend.

Do straight guys / friends ever ask you why you still don't have a girlfriend? Well, you might give them the right answer.

You told us:

However, I feel that my sexual orientation should not matter to anyone else (save for some interested dude out there).

Please be aware that this 'dude' must also be able to find you. Being open to anyone will make it much more likely you and this dude will meet each other (and know immediately from each other that both of you are gay).
Besides that, it is very likely that alot of your straight friends / aquiantances will have one or more gay friends / brothers / cousins etc. And that's going to enlarge your circle of gay aquaintances as well, when they all know that this nice 'JoeyFromTexas' is also gay (and an open and relaxed one).


Do you have gay friends / aquaintances and / or are you member of any queer group? Having (many) gay friends and joining such queer groups (and don't hide this to others) is also an easy way to 'let people know you are gay'.

You might wear some subtle sights (eg a rainbow bracelet) to let people know you are gay / gay friendly / supporting gay rights etc.

You might talk / discuss with people about all the current 'gay items' that are in the news (eg the end of DADT, same sex marriage, etc, etc, etc.) and by debating about this people will be aware (or will even ask you) that you are also gay.

Best wishes, and good luck.

 

[Seasoned]

Tell people you're close to. Everyone else can figure it out if you're open and honest.

 

[KaraBulut]

My problem, though, is with having to take people whose lives would (and should) not at all be affected by my attraction to men and tell them that I am gay.

Anyone have any insights that they would like to share? Is one way easier or better than the other?

One of the things that we often say around here is that the first step in the coming out process is coming out to yourself.

Hidden in that self-coming-out process is figuring out what "being gay" means in your life.

There are some guys who are glitter-fabulous-gurlfriend! gay and for them being gay is such a key part of who they are that they want to do everything but carry a sign with an arrow that says "<-Gay".

There are other guys for whom being gay is just another otherwise boring fact about them. These guys are just ordinary except for the fact that they like cock. Their close friends and some of their family know. They may or may not be out at work. They may have a day-of-gay every now and then but for the most part, they don't feel that being gay defines them.

Neither is right nor wrong. Both are gay men. Both are living their life honestly and openly.

How you view "gay" probably will determine who you want to tell and how you want to tell them. When you figure that out, how you go about living your life will probably drive how you come out to people and how open you are about it.

 

[TX-Beau]

I told my family and a few VERY close friends. Anyone else.... only if they bring it up. There is no need to proclaim to the mountaintops that you are gay, but being out is simply NOT lying when asked.

I'm going to quote this and not the OP because there is a problem here, that the OP also implied but didn't state quite this clearly.

OK straight people scream their sexuality from every mountaintop they can find. Their screaming about their sexuality is so pervasive it's impossible to get away from - it's everywhere, in all aspects of your life, in just about every conversation you have with friends, family or strangers, in the TV you watch and the music you listen to - they just WILL NOT shut the fuck up about it already.

Then they require us to validate thier relationships and acknowledge the people they are publicly annoucing they are fucking, by introducing us to these people at the drop of a hat, forcing us to buy them gifts and go to thier parties celebrating thier finding a steady long-term fuck, force us to buy more gifts in a life long cycle of requiring that we acknowledge the results of thier fucking sexuality that they just WILL NOT shut the fuck up about.

And you know what, that's called having a life. Sharing who you are, and your joys and your hopes, and the people who make you happy with the world around you, and THAT is being out.

If you are in any way trying to downplay your sexuality, or insisting it's no ones business, you aren't completely out, and that's fine, we all get there on our own, but don't lie to yourself about it.

We as humans are social creatures, it's our nature to be so, it's our nature to share our lives with each other - and there is something wrong if you are unwilling to behave in the same manner straight people do because you are telling yourself it's no one's business.

OK specifically, go at the speed that makes you comfortable, start with your friends, then your family, then reassess.

When I go into a new social situation, I make it painfully clear, I just introduce the guy I'm fucking - right out there in public like it's everyone's business - because it is.

 

[Audio Tech]

I'm going to quote this and not the OP because there is a problem here, that the OP also implied but didn't state quite this clearly.

OK straight people scream their sexuality from every mountaintop they can find. Their screaming about their sexuality is so pervasive it's impossible to get away from - it's everywhere, in all aspects of your life, in just about every conversation you have with friends, family or strangers, in the TV you watch and the music you listen to - they just WILL NOT shut the fuck up about it already.

Then they require us to validate thier relationships and acknowledge the people they are publicly annoucing they are fucking, by introducing us to these people at the drop of a hat, forcing us to buy them gifts and go to thier parties celebrating thier finding a steady long-term fuck, force us to buy more gifts in a life long cycle of requiring that we acknowledge the results of thier fucking sexuality that they just WILL NOT shut the fuck up about.

And you know what, that's called having a life. Sharing who you are, and your joys and your hopes, and the people who make you happy with the world around you, and THAT is being out.

If you are in any way trying to downplay your sexuality, or insisting it's no ones business, you aren't completely out, and that's fine, we all get there on our own, but don't lie to yourself about it.

We as humans are social creatures, it's our nature to be so, it's our nature to share our lives with each other - and there is something wrong if you are unwilling to behave in the same manner straight people do because you are telling yourself it's no one's business.

OK specifically, go at the speed that makes you comfortable, start with your friends, then your family, then reassess.

When I go into a new social situation, I make it painfully clear, I just introduce the guy I'm fucking - right out there in public like it's everyone's business - because it is.

Geez.... I guess I keep my answers too simple....

I mean, I talk about it in normal conversation just like everyone else, but what I meant is that I don't make a point of telling someone I'm gay, JUST to tell them.

I usually just talk about whom I'm seeing, or who turns me on when they are. They usually get the drift.

Now, once I do find a long term boyfriend.... well, it'll be pretty damn obvious...


But you are correct, straight people do indeed rub it in everyone's face, ALL the time. I'm not ashamed, nor partially out. But I did grow up a little reserved, I guess.

Many of my straight friends don't tell me who they are fucking either, unless we decide to talk about it.

So.... your mileage may vary..

 

[TX-Beau]

Actually they do tell you who they're fucking, every time they introduce you to anyone they're dating, talk about who they're dating, invite you to a wedding, or just locker room talk.

Anyway I understand the phenomenon, the whole "don't shout it from the mountains," justification. I've been there, most of us have been there.

What that attempts to do is infer that somehow it's pushing unless you're "discreet" in a way straight people never are, and never have been. Because to do what straight people do, requires one to confront an absolutely normal (to straight people) openness about one's sexuality that one may not yet be comfortable with - and that's fine. But the sooner you see that for what it is, the sooner you get over it.

There's no reason you shouldn't "shout it from the mountains" boyfriend or not.

 

[drunkenmoron]

Sorry, but I've gotta disagree with this. When you meet a straight person, no matter who they are, they don't introduce themselves by saying: 'Hi, I'm [name] and I'm straight'. Not every straight person out there is 'fucking' someone, and if they are, they don't all feel the need to bring it up in every conversation, or even a single conversation you might have with them at any given time.

If you're with a bunch of straight people and the conversation comes up, and you're expected to give your opinion, then go ahead and tell them you're gay... but if not, why is there any need? If someone just came out and said they're straight mid-conversation without any provocation, I'd think they were an idiot. I'd feel the same way about a gay person if they did as well tbh.

 

[TX-Beau]

Are you kidding, straight people tell you they're straight in a thousand different ways, a thousand different times, starting from when you first meet them.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Drunkenmoron,

I disagree with you, and I would like to tell you why I disagree with you. You are a student at a uni, and I think it is very likely that you will often meet new guys (mainly fellow students). Lets assume they are males.

So you meet such a straight guy for the first time.

Have you ever made records how much hours pass before this guy makes clear that he is straight. And especially towards you (a presumed straight guy).

* tells you 'hey, nice girl over there' (100+ possible variations)
* gets a phonecall from his girlfriend / makes a phonecall to his girlfriend (and makes clear to you that the phonecall concerns his girlfriend).
* gets a textmessage from his girlfriend / sends a textmessage to his girlfriend (and see above).
* a pic of a female on the screen of his phone.
* checks out a handsome girl passing by (eg by moving his head and by interrupting a talk with you).

I think you will be able to make this list much longer.

So any idea how many hours will pass before one of these events will take place? Ofcourse not all straight guys are like that, but you see my point (and also the point of TX-Beau)?

Easily on a thousand different ways, on a thousand different times and starting from when you first meet them.
And why shouldn't they? Straight guys don't need to hide they are straight, and don't need to hide they like girls.

So you agree with me? Thanks in advance for a reply.

 

[KaraBulut]

Anyone have any insights that they would like to share? Is one way easier or better than the other?

This sidebar discussion is well enough, but since OP has asked for sharing personal insights, it's time to get back on topic.

 

[techgator]

Hey there, I know your thinking about just going with the flow which is great and all... but

from my personal experience, after coming out to myself I started to you know date guys, without ANYone knowing. The only problem with this is that IT is definitely hard to keep someone that you care about so much hidden in the closet. I recently came out to my mom and it's probably the best thing I ever did. EVEN though she did not accept it, she'll at least begin to understand your true feelings.

 

[elGeniuoso1721]

I came out to my immediate family first, then my closest friends. After that, people can find out however. The most important people get an announcement because they will always be in your lives (probably, relatively). As said a few times already, you just don;t need to lie about it anymore. In my case, my people are still utterly clueless because I'm not a stereotypical gay man. You wouldn't know it unless I told you, you saw me holding some guys hand, or you heard me talking about it. It's different for everyone, so do what's most comfortable for you, and eventually you feel consistently comfortable.

PM if you need anything. Good luck.

 

[ladude2011]

Are you kidding, straight people tell you they're straight in a thousand different ways, a thousand different times, starting from when you first meet them.

I have to disagree here. Do you have any examples of this? Maybe the people you have encountered in life, but not me. I work with over 50 people on a daily basis, and maybe 2 out of those people do I even know if they are married or single. And ive known these people for over a year. There are other things to talk about. Same goes with classmates of mine. So no, straight people do not go around announcing that they are straight, at least not in my experience.