Should I tell my straight friend how I feel?

[liguy]

I’ve had feelings for a straight friend of mine going on 10+ years now. I truly love him as a friend and he is the kind of friend who would be there for me in a second if I needed him and I'd do the same for him or his family as well. I don’t think he knew I was gay when we first met, but I came out eventually and there were no problems, especially since he has a gay brother and his now brother-in-law is gay.

A couple years into our friendship he started dating a girl and they got married 4 years ago and now have a 3 year old daughter who is like a niece to me. I love that kid to pieces and I love his wife as well and would never want to hurt either of them, though I do think his wife doesn't appreciate him as much as she should. He works harder than anyone I know and it seems like she is very demanding at times. Sometimes I think he isn't happy, but I do know that he loves her and was devastated when she almost called off their wedding due to cheating rumors (which I happen to know were true, he had a one night stand with a girl or two while they were dating).

My friend and I have flirted with each other a LOT in the past. Verbally and physically. Smacking each other's asses, grabbing each other’s dicks, humping each other, etc. Sometimes when we are drinking we start talking so close to each other’s faces that I swear one of us is about to go in for the kiss, but we are both too afraid to do it.

I don’t think he is closeted because he’s hooked up with so many girls. But I almost feel like he has some type of attraction toward me specifically because he doesn’t act like this with any other guy that I’m aware of. I would be heartbroken if our friendship ended so I don’t want to risk it, but I’ve never felt so attracted to or in love with anyone in my life. Even if I could mess around with him one time to get it out of my system, I think that might satisfy my lust for him but I think it’s more like actual love and not just sex. It feels kind of wrong considering how close I am with his wife and daughter, but I’ve felt this way for years now before they were even in the photo.

What do I do here? Nothing and just continue our friendship as is with the occasional flirting? Try getting drunk together and see if he’s receptive to anything sexual? Get it off my chest and tell him how I feel about him?

I’m just so torn and don’t know if I can live the rest of my life regretting never making some kind of real move, but I also don't want to scare him away or creep him out. I will say, he is very laid back, loving and accepting. The worst I can see happening is him telling me he understands how I feel, but he isn't gay. At best, maybe we’d hook up once or maybe more which is better than nothing lol, but then there would be possible guilt around his wife and daughter whom I dearly love.

I'm turning 31 next month and have never had a real boyfriend and only hooked up with a handful of guys in my life (no girls). I almost feel like it's not even worth trying to find someone anymore because I'll never meet anyone that compares to how I feel about him.

I’m just so torn and would appreciate any input.

 

[Epsilon79]

I empathize -- it's really tough. I posted a few months back about being in a similar situation: being completely in love with a married straight close friend, although I'm also married [to a guy]. These liberal-minded straight guys are really difficult to read, but I think we have to be mindful that we are filtering their words and actions through our own wishful thinking. I know I spend way too much time going over what the guy says and does, and what it means or doesn't about our "relationship". Honestly, I think that these straight guys don't give this stuff much thought at all, and where we might be seeing a subtle but meaningful opening, they're just being their usual, oblivious straight-guy selves. I do admit that your horseplay with him seems a bit beyond the usual bromance stuff, but even so, he may view it just as funny, or more charitably, as trying to throw you a little bone, no pun intended.

All of that said, I do believe -- again, based on my own current experience -- that people can dissociate emotional from physical attraction. Maybe he is drawn to you on an emotional level as more than a friend, but without the physical attraction from him, at the end of the day your relationship simply could not be much closer than it already is. You've been friends with your crush for a very long time, and it sounds like you two have a really special bond as it is. So, it would be difficult to see how you would benefit from making yourself vulnerable by putting yourself out there to him; you would only open yourself up to the potential downsides. Setting aside the issues around his wife and daughter, you would not want to jeopardize your relationship with him by making a move that he rebuffs. He may just laugh it off and move on, but I suspect that it would still have subtle lingering effects on your relationship. Worse, he might feel uncomfortable and, even after your profuse apologies and his reassurances, things would pretty quickly start to feel irrevocably tainted. Either way, it wouldn't end up making you feel better.

I can see an argument, on the other hand, that the clarity you would get by seeing his reaction to you making a move could be cathartic. Maybe if he reacts poorly and you lose him, it might be like forcibly setting you free from his spell. These powerful attractions are kind of like addiction -- maybe quitting, though painful in the short term, may help in the long run. I can see an argument, on the other hand, that the clarity you would get by seeing his reaction to you making a move could be cathartic. Maybe if he reacts poorly and you lose him, it might be like forcibly setting you free from his spell. These powerful attractions are kind of like addiction -- maybe quitting, though painful in the short term, may help in the long run. But I worry that that would put you at risk of some pretty serious life upheaval given how long he's been such a central figure in your life.

But, overall, I think that this is a situation where the "douleur exquise" of unrequited love is something that you (and I) are going to have to learn to savor. At least to my mind, it's better to have them in our lives, close to us -- able to feel their warm nearness, breathe in their unique pheromonal blend -- than to run the very real risk throwing that all away. I know this probably isn't what you were hoping to hear, but I think it's the safest way.

 

[Epsilon79]

(Also, sorry for the accidental duplication in the third paragraph!)

 

[KaraBulut]

... they got married 4 years ago and now have a 3 year old daughter who is like a niece to me. I love that kid to pieces and I love his wife as well and would never want to hurt either of them...

^You need to remind yourself of this sentence. Often.

... though I do think his wife doesn't appreciate him as much as she should. He works harder than anyone I know and it seems like she is very demanding at times. Sometimes I think he isn't happy...

He isn't happy. At least not all of the time. That's the nature of being in a relationship. Sometimes it's really good. Sometimes it sucks. Just because there are some bad days doesn't necessarily mean that it's a bad relationship. What defines a good relationship is that the good days happen more often than the not-so-good days.

... if I could mess around with him one time to get it out of my system, I think that might satisfy my lust for him but I think it’s more like actual love and not just sex....

No. It doesn't work that way. There's no such thing as using sex to "get it out of your system". And if there were, getting laid isn't going to get anything out of your system. It's just going to fuck things up.

One of the reasons that there are so few straight men who have really close straight female friends is that people struggle with deep feelings of love for friends versus deep feelings of sexual attraction. Even straight guys struggle to find ways to express love for other straight male friends... at least when they're sober. If you want to maintain a friendship with a straight male friend, you're going to have to learn to express what you feel in a way that preserves the friendship.

... I'm turning 31 next month and have never had a real boyfriend and only hooked up with a handful of guys in my life (no girls).

^This is the problem. It's not your friend or your feelings for your friend. The problem is that you're spending so much energy on a situation that isn't going to happen for you but meanwhile, if the perfect guy did come into your life, you probably wouldn't notice.

It's time. You need to get your own boyfriend and get your own life... just like your friend has.

... I almost feel like it's not even worth trying to find someone anymore because I'll never meet anyone that compares to how I feel about him.

Maybe. Maybe not.

The one difference is that, even you don't find Mr Right, at least you'll have found someone who can like you back. Someone who will get naked and have sex with you. Someone who will still be around the next morning.

... What do I do here? Nothing and just continue our friendship as is with the occasional flirting? Try getting drunk together and see if he’s receptive to anything sexual? Get it off my chest and tell him how I feel about him?

What do you do here?

You get your life together and stop using your best friend as an excuse not to get out there and find a relationship of your own.

You be a friend. You listen to him bitch about married life. You show respect for his choices, his wife and his kid.

You be appreciative that you met a true friend and you realize what a big, stupid mistake it would be to fuck that up.

 

[TX-Beau]

Rule number one for anyone, DO NOT inject yourself into other people's relationships. Gay, straight, bi, couples, thrupples, quadruples, group marriages, or three ducks and a penguin. No one will thank you, and everyone gets to suffer. Pushing this - especially by getting him intoxicated then hitting on him (that's how date rape works, might as well just rufi him and be done with it) is just making your feelings his responsibility where you have no right, and there has never been a straight man on the planet who ever appreciated that, no matter how nice he was about it. Hell, that would irritate most gay men.

Rule number two for gay men - STRAIGHT until he says otherwise, EXPLICITLY. Even if there is some kind of closet involved, he did not choose you to act on that, he married a woman who does not deserve you violating rule number one. He has kids and responsibilities, and that screams your answer.

Everything else was pretty much said, just want to reiterate that if he's such a great friend to you, why on earth would you put yourself over him - if you do love him, help him with the life he's CHOSEN.

A lot - a whole lot of guys fixate on an impossibility in order to excuse being unwilling to take any real chances, or be rejected or hurt; but you're never going to get over this until you leave him alone and find a guy who actually wants to fuck you. He's either a crutch or an impediment, and either is going to keep you stunted until you be his friend from a safe distance and start looking for appropriate partners.

Trust me on this, you're only that invested because at the moment for you, there are literally no guys willingly going down on your dick. Hot sex trumps the fuck out of unrequited angstyness every day of the week.

 

[dd788snipe]

AMEN TX-Beau. Absolute spot on advise.

 

[juicyjack]

Kara and TX already hit the nail on the head. Shorter version, DO NOT DO IT! Some things you can not take back and this is one of them. It's easy to have feelings for someone you already love when you're lonely/horny. This guy ain't it. Love him as a person, not as an idea. If you want to keep this friendship, don't go there.

 

[MusicMan321]

So your saying he's ok with the fact that you are gay and told him it sounds like you two have a good friendship towards each other. If you don't wanna lose your relationship with this guy as a friend I would keep it the way it is unless you really feel it in your gut to say something to him that's totally up to you

 

[ShadowCat]

I'm in the same boat love a guy he's straight i'm not age old age old story. I hate that he gets caught with these bitches who are no good trash and ALWAYS break his heart! He is a prince and a true gentleman but always gets his heart broken! He spoils the women he has interest in. He was even going to marry a whore who was cheating on him thank god he found out a small heartbreak is better than a lifetime of misery! Now he's going with some tatted up peroxide blonde who looks really skanky too many tattoos for a woman just something about her rubs me the wrong way. And I am a good judge of character another friend (no sexual attraction- AT ALL!) Married this girl knocked her up 4 times she cheats on him he cheats on her she leaves him then in '19 kills herself. Now he's a mess constantly posting poems and whining that he didn't do more, and im just here like dude she fucked you over ROYALLY don't give her any more power. He even had a full ride to college which he blew because of his kid I warned him marry her AFTER you finish your education nope 4 months after graduating im going to a wedding. Sometimes its just easier to sit back and watch the world burn!

 

[Pierresro]

I’ve had feelings for a straight friend of mine going on 10+ years now. I truly love him as a friend and he is the kind of friend who would be there for me in a second if I needed him and I'd do the same for him or his family as well. I don’t think he knew I was gay when we first met, but I came out eventually and there were no problems, especially since he has a gay brother and his now brother-in-law is gay.

A couple years into our friendship he started dating a girl and they got married 4 years ago and now have a 3 year old daughter who is like a niece to me. I love that kid to pieces and I love his wife as well and would never want to hurt either of them, though I do think his wife doesn't appreciate him as much as she should. He works harder than anyone I know and it seems like she is very demanding at times. Sometimes I think he isn't happy, but I do know that he loves her and was devastated when she almost called off their wedding due to cheating rumors (which I happen to know were true, he had a one night stand with a girl or two while they were dating).

My friend and I have flirted with each other a LOT in the past. Verbally and physically. Smacking each other's asses, grabbing each other’s dicks, humping each other, etc. Sometimes when we are drinking we start talking so close to each other’s faces that I swear one of us is about to go in for the kiss, but we are both too afraid to do it.

I don’t think he is closeted because he’s hooked up with so many girls. But I almost feel like he has some type of attraction toward me specifically because he doesn’t act like this with any other guy that I’m aware of. I would be heartbroken if our friendship ended so I don’t want to risk it, but I’ve never felt so attracted to or in love with anyone in my life. Even if I could mess around with him one time to get it out of my system, I think that might satisfy my lust for him but I think it’s more like actual love and not just sex. It feels kind of wrong considering how close I am with his wife and daughter, but I’ve felt this way for years now before they were even in the photo.

What do I do here? Nothing and just continue our friendship as is with the occasional flirting? Try getting drunk together and see if he’s receptive to anything sexual? Get it off my chest and tell him how I feel about him?

I’m just so torn and don’t know if I can live the rest of my life regretting never making some kind of real move, but I also don't want to scare him away or creep him out. I will say, he is very laid back, loving and accepting. The worst I can see happening is him telling me he understands how I feel, but he isn't gay. At best, maybe we’d hook up once or maybe more which is better than nothing lol, but then there would be possible guilt around his wife and daughter whom I dearly love.

I'm turning 31 next month and have never had a real boyfriend and only hooked up with a handful of guys in my life (no girls). I almost feel like it's not even worth trying to find someone anymore because I'll never meet anyone that compares to how I feel about him.

I’m just so torn and would appreciate any input.

Just remain his friend do not ruin it for either of you!

 

[dd788snipe]

Just remain his friend do not ruin it for either of you!

Dittos!!!!! I lost my best friend coming out to to him. Friendships are hard to replace.

 

[LatinCoffee]

^You need to remind yourself of this sentence. Often.


He isn't happy. At least not all of the time. That's the nature of being in a relationship. Sometimes it's really good. Sometimes it sucks. Just because there are some bad days doesn't necessarily mean that it's a bad relationship. What defines a good relationship is that the good days happen more often than the not-so-good days.


No. It doesn't work that way. There's no such thing as using sex to "get it out of your system". And if there were, getting laid isn't going to get anything out of your system. It's just going to fuck things up.

One of the reasons that there are so few straight men who have really close straight female friends is that people struggle with deep feelings of love for friends versus deep feelings of sexual attraction. Even straight guys struggle to find ways to express love for other straight male friends... at least when they're sober. If you want to maintain a friendship with a straight male friend, you're going to have to learn to express what you feel in a way that preserves the friendship.


^This is the problem. It's not your friend or your feelings for your friend. The problem is that you're spending so much energy on a situation that isn't going to happen for you but meanwhile, if the perfect guy did come into your life, you probably wouldn't notice.

It's time. You need to get your own boyfriend and get your own life... just like your friend has.


Maybe. Maybe not.

The one difference is that, even you don't find Mr Right, at least you'll have found someone who can like you back. Someone who will get naked and have sex with you. Someone who will still be around the next morning.


What do you do here?

You get your life together and stop using your best friend as an excuse not to get out there and find a relationship of your own.

You be a friend. You listen to him bitch about married life. You show respect for his choices, his wife and his kid.

You be appreciative that you met a true friend and you realize what a big, stupid mistake it would be to fuck that up.

One of the best advice I have read on here...word for word.
Some gay guys are hung on the 'he's straight and hard to get' challenge.
Respect goes hand in hand.

The man is married and straight and of all your friend. Move on to having your own relationship!

 

[USEDCAR]

Great advice on this thread!


We have to respect straight people if they are straight and married respect him and move on. 10 years is way to long to be crushing on a guy. You need to distance your self from him get your mental health right.

 

[DevilsFelch]

Great advice on this thread!


We have to respect straight people if they are straight and married respect him and move on. 10 years is way to long to be crushing on a guy. You need to distance your self from him get your mental health right.

Sounds like it. This is not something the straight friend should be lumbered with. OP needs a therapist if he can't manage to move on himself. These are the kinds of issues that confront 18 year olds. A man approaching or in middle-age should be well beyond this stage.

 

[DevilsFelch]

^You need to remind yourself of this sentence. Often.


He isn't happy. At least not all of the time. That's the nature of being in a relationship. Sometimes it's really good. Sometimes it sucks. Just because there are some bad days doesn't necessarily mean that it's a bad relationship. What defines a good relationship is that the good days happen more often than the not-so-good days.

Very good advice which the pickers-n-choosers need to take heed of. Seeking selective data to support a fantasy is always a disaster.

 

[hotternhell]

The best advice you got in here was from Karabulut. You are in danger of losing your friend and your self-respect if you do whatever it is that is in your head. If his current relationship does not work out and he get a divorce then depending on his emotional condition after the divorce you might revisit your plans to tell him about your feelings. I don't know dude, your letter is all about you, because you don't mention hurting his wife, or the confusion the child will suffer. I'm sure you are a great guy but acting on your feelings now will make you look like a bad guy. Please don't take offense as we don't even know each other so I have no reason to bully you. I wish you the best.

 

[charkyle33]

There is a time and place for everything. No doubt the advice you received is good, but it is much easier said than done. I do think you want advice but you dont want the advice to be negative. You have strong feelings for the guy and how can caring about someone be construed as negative? Well, when it drives on you so much you are no longer the person you once were.

I believe everything happens foe a reason; but if you want to move with your life - tell your bud you want to go to lunch with him. And be honest. Tell him what you told us about his daughter and a few of the positive things about his wife. Mention, the last thing u want to do is get involved in his relationships and what you mean by that is you think you are having deeper feeling for him than is healthy and that you need to start distancing yourself from him. See what he says. Miggt surprise u. Good luck

 

[ShadowCat]

Sadly you might need to clam up and accept the fact hes straight! Let it go!

 

[dave.adk]

I’ve had feelings for a straight friend of mine going on 10+ years now. I truly love him as a friend and he is the kind of friend who would be there for me in a second if I needed him and I'd do the same for him or his family as well. I don’t think he knew I was gay when we first met, but I came out eventually and there were no problems, especially since he has a gay brother and his now brother-in-law is gay.

A couple years into our friendship he started dating a girl and they got married 4 years ago and now have a 3 year old daughter who is like a niece to me. I love that kid to pieces and I love his wife as well and would never want to hurt either of them, though I do think his wife doesn't appreciate him as much as she should. He works harder than anyone I know and it seems like she is very demanding at times. Sometimes I think he isn't happy, but I do know that he loves her and was devastated when she almost called off their wedding due to cheating rumors (which I happen to know were true, he had a one night stand with a girl or two while they were dating).

My friend and I have flirted with each other a LOT in the past. Verbally and physically. Smacking each other's asses, grabbing each other’s dicks, humping each other, etc. Sometimes when we are drinking we start talking so close to each other’s faces that I swear one of us is about to go in for the kiss, but we are both too afraid to do it.

I don’t think he is closeted because he’s hooked up with so many girls. But I almost feel like he has some type of attraction toward me specifically because he doesn’t act like this with any other guy that I’m aware of. I would be heartbroken if our friendship ended so I don’t want to risk it, but I’ve never felt so attracted to or in love with anyone in my life. Even if I could mess around with him one time to get it out of my system, I think that might satisfy my lust for him but I think it’s more like actual love and not just sex. It feels kind of wrong considering how close I am with his wife and daughter, but I’ve felt this way for years now before they were even in the photo.

What do I do here? Nothing and just continue our friendship as is with the occasional flirting? Try getting drunk together and see if he’s receptive to anything sexual? Get it off my chest and tell him how I feel about him?

I’m just so torn and don’t know if I can live the rest of my life regretting never making some kind of real move, but I also don't want to scare him away or creep him out. I will say, he is very laid back, loving and accepting. The worst I can see happening is him telling me he understands how I feel, but he isn't gay. At best, maybe we’d hook up once or maybe more which is better than nothing lol, but then there would be possible guilt around his wife and daughter whom I dearly love.

I'm turning 31 next month and have never had a real boyfriend and only hooked up with a handful of guys in my life (no girls). I almost feel like it's not even worth trying to find someone anymore because I'll never meet anyone that compares to how I feel about him.

I’m just so torn and would appreciate any input.

Let him know you are gay (if he doesn’t know) and he can make up his own mind.

I have a daughter and she was totally fine when I split with her mother, she said she could sense there was something wrong in our relationship. She actually told me my Ex had a boyfriend on the side for some time. Now my Ex, my daughter and my partner are all great friends, so things can work out for him if he acts, but he has to make the call.