The Original Gay Porn Community - Free Gay Movies and Photos, Gay Porn Site Reviews and Adult Gay Forums

  • Welcome To Just Us Boys - The World's Largest Gay Message Board Community

    In order to comply with recent US Supreme Court rulings regarding adult content, we will be making changes in the future to require that you log into your account to view adult content on the site.
    If you do not have an account, please register.
    REGISTER HERE - 100% FREE / We Will Never Sell Your Info

    PLEASE READ: To register, turn off your VPN (iPhone users- disable iCloud); you can re-enable the VPN after registration. You must maintain an active email address on your account: disposable email addresses cannot be used to register.

  • The Support & Advice forum is a no-flame zone.
    The members offering support and advice do so with the best intention. If you ask for advice, we don't require you to take the advice, but we do ask that you listen and give it consideration.

should one settle for less?

hylas

hylas

nerd of prey
Joined
Jun 5, 2004
Posts
2,777
Reaction score
14
Points
0
Location
Brussels
Website
hylas-erotic-art.tumblr.com
to quote dan savage, "settling down means settling for". i agree with that, but still think you should break up with him. partly because i think sexual fulfillment is an important aspect of successfull relationships, but mostly because youre using him.

i suspect that you are not "staying despite his flaws" (thats what "settling for" would mean), but because you seem to have abandonment issues. youre staying with somebody who clearly loves you more than you love him, which a) makes it unlikely that he will leave you, and b) ensures that it doesnt hurt too much if he leaves. its not a healthy relationship, and you should end it immediatly.
 
I was positive whoever I ended up in a relationship with would be an absolute music fiend like me. That we'd be going to concerts six nights a week, and that seventh would be spent in front of the CD player dissect this week's new releases.

Ends up I'm partnered to a guy who likes music OK, but had gone to one concert before I met him.

The thing is - I don't think I'm with the wrong guy. I love him. Totally. I love him so much that the fact that he's not a music fiend is totally overshadowed. Yeah, it would be nice if he wanted to go to concerts with me, but it'd also be nice if I wanted to go to movies with him. We each have our own things, we have friends we do things with, and then come home to each other and the home we've built.

I don't see why this can't be the case with you.

Lex
 
After just one year I dont think you could be in love with anybody, I think it takes at least 3 years to fall (out of lust and) in love.

You say you can chat for hours, and have a lot in common, have the same interests, like the same things, share the same values, and are dating your best friend. What more could you ask for in a long term relationship Revan. I also think your friend is making it too easy for you by handing his life to you on a plate, and you are taking him and his feelings for you for granted. I think you should respect him a lot more and kiss and cuddle him a lot more. Hey maybe you'll even find you like it.

Or maybe you would rather trade Mr Niceguy and wait around for some slovenly shit who comes home drunk if at all, and when he does, he beats the living crap out of you and treats you like a door mat for the rest of you life.

So, to repeat myself, I think you got it handed to you on a plate.

I also think you are scared to allow your emotions to show. I makes one so vulnerable, doesnt it?

I also do not think you are settling for less. Hell, it seems to me that you got one great guy there; he even tells you you're the one and you're the best.
 
As someone who has been partnered for 27 years, I can't help you.

Except to say that I never 'settled for' anything.

Except happiness.
 
Deandbn said:
After just one year I dont think you could be in love with anybody, I think it takes at least 3 years to fall (out of lust and) in love.

You say you can chat for hours, and have a lot in common, have the same interests, like the same things, share the same values, and are dating your best friend. What more could you ask for in a long term relationship Revan. I also think your friend is making it too easy for you by handing his life to you on a plate, and you are taking him and his feelings for you for granted. I think you should respect him a lot more and kiss and cuddle him a lot more. Hey maybe you'll even find you like it.

Or maybe you would rather trade Mr Niceguy and wait around for some slovenly shit who comes home drunk if at all, and when he does, he beats the living crap out of you and treats you like a door mat for the rest of you life.

So, to repeat myself, I think you got it handed to you on a plate.

I also think you are scared to allow your emotions to show. I makes one so vulnerable, doesnt it?

I also do not think you are settling for less. Hell, it seems to me that you got one great guy there; he even tells you you're the one and you're the best.
Click to expand...

Every time I read one of these threads I just shake my head. I think this ^^^ says it pretty well. To the OP, I just don't understand why we are never happy. Maybe you'd feel better with someone who you are hot for but cheats on you. And then there are endless threads on THAT. Even I know that we fall in lust, not love. The Love comes much later. I think you are looking for the lust thing, and are missing what you have right in front of you.
 
The worst advice ever is saying to someone who knows he's not in love with his boyfriend to suck it up and shut up, and be happy for what he's got.

Y'all think that he's going to wake up five years from now and suddenly be in love?

He told you, the one thing he's sure about, is that he's not in love.

Some of y'alls advice would seem to be to just continue, and magically one day he will be in love.

Fuck that. If he knows it's not right now, it's already over. Waiting for a miracle is stupid.

To the OP, you owe it to yourself, and to him, to be honest, and get out before any more damage is done.

You both need to go find something that works.
 
Except that the Op already knows he's not in love with the guy.

He's already discovered that.

revan7 said:
...There is one thing I'm sure about. I'm not in love with him...

...My instinct is to end the relationship, no matter how devastating it is. I'm essentially dating my best friend, but the friend I don't want to touch. I don't feel anything exhilarating when we kiss or sleep together, and I can't return comments like 'I love you'. I know that he senses this, and I'm sure he knows how I feel, but I can't tell someone I love them if I don't....

...I enjoy doing things with my bf, but can't think of anything I want to do less than kiss him or cuddle...
Click to expand...

emphasis mine
 
^ Exactly. It sounds like the OP is in a relationship with his best friend. Which would be fantastic if he were actually IN LOVE with his best friend. Which he isn't. It sounds more like he's got a fantastic friend that he feels he has to have sex with once in awhile. That's not a relationship. It's not even a friends-with-benefits if the OP isn't enjoying said benefits.

I'm not sure if I wasn't clear in my post, but in case I wasn't, I don't think the OP should stay with this guy. He sounds worried that a guy he WILL develop feelings for won't have as much in common. And, chances are, that's accurate. But that doesn't doom him to be stuck with a polar opposite. It just means they'll have some differences. And that's not necessarily an issue. My partner has exposed me to a bunch of stuff I never would've known otherwise, and vice versa. It just takes an open mind. :)

Lex
 
No offense intended. I'm very happy for you, I really am.

But THAT is the WORST advice ever.
Click to expand...

Perhaps I was too subtle for you.

I fucked a lot of guys and had several relationships when I was younger. I liked, even loved, some of the guys.

But then I met someone who swept all that away. Someone who made me happy. For over 27 years.

The OP should settle for nothing less.
 
iiiset said:
Allow me to make a Pascal chart break up now best possibility: he's really hurt, you keep a friend worst possibility: he's really hurt, you lose a friend give it one last chance best possibility: you discover your feelings and get a great, lasting relationship worst possibility: he's really hurt, you lose a friend
Click to expand...
Firstly, I was going to think something alike. But - the OP is already very sure he doesn't love that guy. And this leads to a simple conclusion: by breaking up now, the other guy most probably won't be friend of the OP. But, he will be able to find a guy who does loves him back.

Is it really fair to prevent the poor guy (and the OP too) from finding someone else?

Therefore, this case I will join the people supporting breaking up.
 
Wow.....when I thought I was alone in this problem....just read my post on "Dating Out Of Pity".....

I realize now that relationships cannot be one-sided, meaning one person with the feelings will be left out.

TRUST YOUR GUT INSTINCTS! He may be a nice guy; he may have good traits; if you don't feel a connection, don't waste your time hoping for a difference.

He called me "the one" many a time...while his ex-bf was texting him!

Sometimes, my urges just to be with somebody overrides common sense; if it doesn't feel all the way real, it is truly not. I know THE ONE is out there for me when I'm ready.
 
How would you feel if he knew someone who could love him like you don't, but because he is occupied with you, he never had a chance to get to know that person.

The love of your life is not supposed to be just someone to keep you occupied.

I can tell you basically the same story as rareboy. What else can I say?
 
i think its good you made the break... and a clean break, too. as clean as it can be, anyway; break-ups are always messy and painful. lemme giveya a hug (*8*)

maybe you can stay friends. it really depends on wether he can handle that. (i suspect not, but anyway, the balls mostly in his court on this.)
 
I'll also say that you did the right thing. Yes it's hard, and yes it's painful, but you did both of y'all a favor.

In time he may be able to be your friend again. But even if he doesn't, you did the right thing.
 
I don't think you threw away a good thing. I think you removed yourself from a possible good thing (friendship) that was masquerading as something that it wasn't. Do stay in touch with your ex-. Tell him you also would like to be friends, but you realize it'll probably take time for him to get into that spot where he can think of you like that. My guess is, eventually, you will be friends. In which case, you WILL have that good thing.

Lex
 
revan7 said:
can't think of anything I want to do less than kiss him or cuddle.
Click to expand...

To me this is all that needs to be said to determine the right decision.

Whatever your emotional feelings are, a relationship where you are not physically attracted to the other person is simply going to fail in the long run.
 
In my opinion, it was the best thing you could possibly do.

Neither of you deserved that relationship, you need someone with whom you can connect, someone you can get to love and loves you in return, and so does him.

I went through a relationship like that ( I was the one in love ) for almost a year and a half. Until I realized the best thing was for me to let him go, and I broke it off. Somehow it really hurted because I was really into him, but after 5 months I can say I finally found true love, and I'm happier than ever and I hope he is as well.
 
Wow Revan! You must be going through a tough decision. I understand and I would def. go with your instincts and tell your boyfriend how you feel. Tell him that you love him but not in that 'special' way. It will hurt both of you but it must be done. You desreve to be in a ltr with someone you genuinely love and he deserves someone who is going to return the love back.

Good luck!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top