Shy & Not Much of a Talker

[Zildjian]

Hi guys,

Just to let you all know, my recent episode regarding Rob has seemingly come to a close. Today was my first day in therapy and I received a substantial amount of counsel and advice on how to deal with my self-confidence and inferiority complex 'issues'. Thanks for the support I've received from you guys.

I've now entered a relationship of my own, and I've started 'dating' this guy who lives 20 minutes from me. For privacy sake, I'll just refer to him as "Eli". He's a great guy - he's a little shorter than me (5'4"), he's half white/latino, and he's been out since he was 15.

Anyway, I've gone out with him twice in the last week, but I'm having trouble having things to say. He does most of the talking when we're out together. I don't know what it is, but I always seem to be at a lost of words, unable to initiate another branch of conversation. I'm shy and reserved by nature, btw.

So, please help me. How do I 'talk' more? I'm really into this guy, and I don't want my lack of verbalization to have him grow bored of me.

Help!

 

[maxpowr9]

If you have an interest in what he says, it is not really an issue. Talk about what yourself.

I found that the best way to overcome shyness is to throw yourself into situations where you have to interact with other people and be sociable. Any service job (waiter, cashier etc.) is a good way to overcome shyness. Sure it may be uncomfortable at first
but it will make you better at talking to strangers and others.

However, if you are at a loss for words because you cannot relate to what he is really talking about, it may be a compatibility issue and you should question the relationship and if it is a good fit. 2 weeks is usually the time where people may run of out the "basic" chat stuff and note its time to move on.

 

[954dude]

You should feel no pressure, but since you're dating someone, communication is very important. Conversations don't have to be the best, but it'll work when effort is coming from both ways. Keep it simple and stay with what keeps you comfortable. Don't be afraid to challenge yourself though.

 

[G-Lexington]

A HUGE part of being a good conversationalist is being a good listener. You can let him set the subject and pace of the conversation. But as he talks, LISTEN. And while doing so, think of some questions to ask to keep the conversation going.

Say he's talking about a baseball game he watched last night. Plenty of questions to ask there. "Have you always been into baseball?" "Were you always a fan of the Red Sox?" "Do you go to a lot of games, or do you mainly just watch them on TV?" "Did you play Little League when you we were younger? What position did you play? Were you any good?" And, if you want to take the reins for awhile, talk about YOU and sports for a bit. "I tried playing baseball for a year, but I wasn't any good at it. Too uncoordinated." "My father watched a lot of games, but I just never got into it for whatever reason. I always preferred soccer."

...it ain't that hard once you get used to it.

Lex

 

[hanshansen]

Lex's technique is the one I use. It got me over my fear of conversational 'dead spots'.

Couple of additional suggestions. Make sure most of the questions are open-ended (i.e. ones that don't invite yes/no answers). You want to give the other guy as much room to talk as possible (talkative people like that, and it means you can learn more about/from them and have to talk less).

Try to relax and not to think too much how you're coming across. You don't want to obsess about you, but to engage with what the other person is telling you, so that you can connect the threads of what they're saying and see where it relates to something you can tell them about.

Be positive, but be real. I got into a bad situation a month or so back where I spent a day with hard-core cricket fans. I was afraid to admit how little I knew about cricket, and I knew I couldn't bullshit my way through. It was painful, the conversation flowed like tar. I should have admitted up front how little I knew and asked them questions. But you don't want to constantly beat yourself up in front of other people, either. You also don't want to bend over backwards to show interests you don't really have.

Someone mentioned compatibility. I'm still figuring out what makes for compatibility. When I think about some of the people I click with on an on-going basis, I guess there are some shared interests/subjects we keep on returning to again and again. We also understand and feed off each others' sense of humour, that's really important. We also have figured out that we like each other and don't feel we have to make a constant effort to impress. That's probably central. With my best friends I'm not afraid of silences any more.

 

[Zildjian]

Lex's technique is the one I use. It got me over my fear of conversational 'dead spots'.

Couple of additional suggestions. Make sure most of the questions are open-ended (i.e. ones that don't invite yes/no answers).

Try to relax and not to think too much how you're coming across.

Be positive, but be real. You also don't want to bend over backwards to show interests you don't really have.

That's good advice in a 'nutshell'. You know, I even verbally admitted (to this new guy I'm seeing), when the conversation reached a 'dead spot', that I had a lost of words. It didn't break the lively mood we were in, so we just cuddled up with each other on the couch and listened to each other breathe.

We also have figured out that we like each other and don't feel we have to make a constant effort to impress.

Which is probably why Rob and I probably won't ever talk to each other again. But he was a good guy and I'm glad I met him.

 

[hanshansen]

Which is probably why Rob and I probably won't ever talk to each other again. But he was a good guy and I'm glad I met him.

You'll meet more Robs in the future. At some point you'll realise that at least some of them are able to like you and respect you for who you are and enjoy spending time with you, and that you can in fact relax with them. NB: it took me at least three years to figure that out regarding some of the 'smart' people among my colleagues. A now very good friend, an ex-flatmate, a majorly driven and ambitious and successful guy who often had me walking on eggshells when I first became his flatmate, only truly convinced me of that in the last month or so.

 

[Zildjian]

You'll meet more Robs in the future. At some point you'll realise that at least some of them are able to like you and respect you for who you are and enjoy spending time with you, and that you can in fact relax with them. NB: it took me at least three years to figure that out regarding some of the 'smart' people among my colleagues. A now very good friend, an ex-flatmate, a majorly driven and ambitious and successful guy who often had me walking on eggshells when I first became his flatmate, only truly convinced me of that in the last month or so.

I look forward to forging platonic relationships with such people - individuals who I can learn from, be inspired from, and/or challenge me to grow in different aspects of my life.

 

[hanshansen]

We just cuddled up with each other on the couch and listened to each other breathe.

And lucky you - I don't get enough of that .