*Sigh* Here goes nothing...

[Blue_saber]

Well, since this is a relationship forum, I guess this goes here.

First off, I want to say hello to everyone here... I'm a 21 (turned 21 last December) yo student born and living in Baja California, México.

About my appearance... black-haired, brown-eyed... chubby. Maybe that scares everyone off? At least I think I'm not ugly looking :s. "Dateless virgin": Never had a date, never had sex, never kissed a guy.

I always felt strange when thinking of girls, and "having to" like one. I've never had a girlfriend, or kissed a girl, and don't plan to. I came to exactly know of me being gay when I first entered this forums, and started reading all the wonderful comments of you guys... and began a new stage of my life (in a way).

The thing is, even as I am always distracted with school, I fell lonely... and needy of someone.

I now know I need a partner, a boyfriend, someone that not only cares for me as a friend, but shares a deeper relationship with me.
As I mentioned, I just turned 21, and I don't want to let (what I think could be the best years of my life) just pass by.

I am still in the closet, and I know I WILL come out, because I want to be free and open of who I am, but I think (for multiple reasons) that this is not the time... yet.

So that's the thing... how can I date a guy of my age? How can I have a boyfriend if no one will approach me? How can I approach someone?
Sometimes I see cute guys at school... but could never flirt with them or anything. And it turns out it's better, 'cause at the end they are always straight

What can I do? Am I just out of luck? Am I so unattractive?

At this point in life, at my local university (where I study) I came to know who are probably the best group of friends I've had, am learning a lot about what I want to work in, have a nice family life.

But still... I need to complete myself. That's the story. I would love your comments on it. Thanks in advance for reading

 

[CagedBird]

Re: coming out, TAKE YOUR TIME! There is really no hurry, perhaps unless you wish to have an open active relationship...

Relax, I know we live in a time when a slim build is so emphasized as being #1.
Show your quality through other avenues.

To get a guy, nothing is as attractive as confidence! Be positive, after all your [adult] life is just beginning.

A partner/bf/lover is nice, but dont obsess over it. Im old enough to be your dad, just came out & am still a virgin w/o a boyfriend. You my friend have plenty of time to grow.

Smile, we are here for you

 

[Blue_saber]

I feel better just writing about it...

CagedBird, thanks for the (quick) reply! I just had this in my head for a lot of time now, and wanted to write here about it.

More comments are appreciated.

 

[Eagle653]

Hi Blue_Saber, and welcome! I know a lot of guys were where you are now, at one time or another. You've got a lot of yourself figured out at a relatively young age--at least you're not in denial or anything about who you are. You're going to find someone.

If anybody knew the "how" he'd be a millionaire. Some become outgoing and make as many friends as possible. Some this doesn't work for, so they zero in on a few people they admire for some reason. Others just make themselves available by accepting invitations to parties, or just showing up at public events. Others join clubs. Lastly, hone your observation skills to detect who might be "family" and who's straight. With a little practice, it can work (although I have to admit that I've never been terrific at this myself).

Anyhow, let it come naturally and relax and have fun. Don't fall in love with the idea of falling in love. If it happens this year, great. If not, maybe next. For many of us, the love of our lives came along when we least expected it, and weren't particularly looking for it.

Welcome, again! Keep in touch and let us know how you're doing!

 

[looseliam]

It sounds to me like you need a good friend, a best friend, a companion.

Get involved with some student groups and just mingle. Come out on your own terms.

Meet some people, get to know them. And then see whom they know.

 

[Blue_saber]

Thanks for the comments averageguy & looseliam!

Lol! As you can see, I've been waiting for your responses since I posted, but now I'm off to sleep. I knew understanding and just plain nice people would comment.

Thank you guys, and good night!

 

[KennyD]

Like has been said .. just don't rush a relationship . Try making some GOOD and TRUE Friends ..... then worrry about a relationship which will probably just happen without much thought ....
I am overweight and always have been ... I am definately not attractive or sexy .. yet; I've had sexy, younger guys come on to me and I've beeen in relationships with a few of them .. so hang in there and Good Luck !!

 

[sixthson]

Blue Saber, first of all, welcome to JUB. Second, please know that we come in all sizes and shapes here and most of us are very understanding. Some of us will even have good advice...lol. Keep posting here so that we can get to know each other, you will be surprised at what wisdom you can glean in this place.
In your thread, you come across as a truly lovely guy. Someone will be lucky to get you because there are plenty of guys looking for meaningful relationships and not just casual hook ups.
You are in an incredibly busy time of your life with full time college, yet it is normal to feel lonely for someone special. I agree with those who said you need some close friends with whom you can be yourself before you worry about romance.
I don't think you can find love by looking (but don't let that stop you from looking), because love usually comes looking for you. Don't get stressed out over it, but try to relax and learn to be comfortable with who you are. As you learn to accept yourself, others will more easily accept you, too.
Just know that where you are now, many of us (if not all) have been there, too. We have experienced the desire for intimacy with a special someone, the feeling that life is not complete without someone to love, and the fear that life is passing you by, even at such a young age.
Hang in there, talk to us and enjoy your life journey.

 

[Blue_saber]

Thank you, guys...

First of all guys, thank you so much for taking the time to leave your opinions and giving me advice. You’re great! I look forward to share all kinds of stuff with this great community

About accepting me, I think I’ve gone a long way. As you can see, I joined almost 2 years ago, not participating (just reading) until a few weeks ago. And here, reading all the great things you guys share, have fully accepted that I’m gay, and learned to feel special, and even proud of it.

Well, I posted all these thoughts because between those readings and guys I chat with online (them being around 17 years old) I sometimes wonder if I’m getting a little behind in my “love life”. I guess I want to experience the whole boyfriend thing, maybe even having a couple before the right guy, but always being sort of serious about it.

About hanging with friends, as I mentioned, I now have in school what are probably the best friendships I’ve had… even talking with my best (female) friend, I almost told her the whole thing (me being gay) once. But more on that later, maybe...

My desperation probably also comes because, even when I’m proud of my country going a long way towards accepting homosexuality, it’s really not that common or well perceived. Thus, most of us gay men living here are closeted, just don’t accept it, or many (I’m guessing) even have girlfriends. Because of that, I sometimes just say to my self “what are my options?”
Yes there are a couple of openly gay guys at school… but I don’t see myself with them, as they are not right for me.

Anyway, I’m just expanding on my thoughts. Thanks again for taking the time to answer and leave comments.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Blue,

Thanks for your posts! Its really great that you've shared your feelings with us here!

Mate the beautiful thing about JUB is that it helps you understand that there is no right type of person...there is no ideal body to be gay, there is no ideal personality or there is no ideal level of experience to have had. We are all different, we are all different shapes and sizes, we think different, talk different and love differently. Having you here just makes us a richer more diverse group. Know that you are accepting and cherished because of who you are.

One of the things that we do usually share in common though is our struggle to believe that we'll be accepted and loved when we come out and that our towns/ communities and countries dont accept gay people well. Its a phenomenon that applies across the world...and usually it wrong. Take comfort from that when you are ready....

Just try not to rush things blue. You've made all the right moves so far...you've told a friend about you, you've surrounded yourself with people who are special to you and you have taken your time to accept yourself. That something to feel really proud of mate. those are really smart positive steps you have taken.

And you need to relax and apply the same logic to this next stage. Rushing into trying to find partners or relationships usually means misjudgements and sometimes even things we regret. Dont feel pressure because of your age or your experience...a lot of gay guys are older when they start to have gay experiences because of years of denial....and trust me you're not old!!!! Many of us would love to relive our younger years and not make the mistakes we made then!

The world has a way of opening doors when you least expect mate...theres likely far more guys at school who are gay than you think for example. Believe in yourself, trust that you are worth love and happiness because you are ...and take one day at a time. Relationships based on trust openness and respect are far more fulfilling than ones based on looks and superficialality. And your posts tell me that theres way more to you than looks.

The progress that you've made, the choices you've made and the steps that you've taken are spot on blue. Just give the world around you some time to see thats who you really are!

 

[MindBlast]

It's a harsh fact of life that better looking people get the first dates usually (and a bunch of other advantages).

The worst thing is that if YOU BELIEVE you're ugly, then you are. Half of being attractive is thinking that you are, and knowing that you are. A lot of us think we are uglier than we actually are.

The first thing you need to do is change your attitude.

The second thing you need to do is try and eat healthier, and make a serious effort at it. This matters whether you want to lose 1lb or 100lbs. Even more, it will make you feel great because you'll have more energy and better skin.

The third thing you need to do is more physical activity. Play a sport, go to the gym, start swimming...anything! And you gotta do it on a regular basis. The first and most important benefit to this is that you will have more energy and vitality. You'll feel more alive. The second benefit is that your body will improve. The biggest gains are made in the first 3 months. Give it a shot, you have nothing to lose but the extra fat (and I don't even know how much extra, it could only be a couple pounds or it could be more, but that's irrelevant).

If you don't change your attitude though, you probably won't ever get a date. Start there.

 

[Blue_saber]

Well, again, thanks guys!

Lol, I know I just keep BUMPing this, but I really want to keep "talking" about this.

Well... weight is really an issue for me. At 21 years I wear a size 44 (bottom), and weight around 240 pounds. I think that is a major turn off for others in itself. I'm not exactly proud of it, but I try not to make a fuss.
Maybe this deserves a whole thread, but I don't know how and why it all started, because I was actually a skinny kid.

But I do know that once (I fell in love... yet another story) I lost weight (down to 190) and felt as good as MindBlast describes. The thing is, being in College sucks out all my time, and I just can't find the moment, place or motivation to workout.

As I said, that's another story, but I wanted to let you guys know. See you around.

 

[colemanshs]

Keep your head up. The right guy will come around and everything will be perfect. Those that are shallow enough to let such a great guy as yourself go because of something as superficial as you weight probably aren't worth your time. They are just there for a good screw. Good luck.

 

[strataboy19]

Blue_saber: I know exactly how you feel. I'm 21. I'm out to my parents and my best friend (close friends will be next when I work up the balls to tell them). And I'm a little lonely myself. Like you, I don't think I'm very attractive.

To be honest, I think part of it is a confidence issue. You may need to get your confidence up. Write down your best qualities and whenever you feel awkward or under confident, just remind yourself of what a great person you are. There's so many more things I look for in a guy beyond looks. And believe it or not, the more appealing a guy's personality is to me, the less I care about his looks.

I know it's better not to rush things...especially a relationship. So I keep my head up and I keep on living life. I know I'll bump into "him" when the time is right.

So put on a smile, get out there and be happy. Don't hunt him down...let him come to you. You're a good guy already. Everything else will fall into place.

 

[Blue_saber]

To be honest, I think part of it is a confidence issue. You may need to get your confidence up. Write down your best qualities and whenever you feel awkward or under confident, just remind yourself of what a great person you are. There's so many more things I look for in a guy beyond looks. And believe it or not, the more appealing a guy's personality is to me, the less I care about his looks.

I know it's better not to rush things...especially a relationship. So I keep my head up and I keep on living life. I know I'll bump into "him" when the time is right.

I know... But I don't think I have low self-esteem. For instance, I could never be depressed! (Well, to be honest, I was once close... lol)

But I think being in the closet makes things just that much harder. But I'll stay with all your comments guys... I won't rush to it, because that could end bad.

Maybe it's not really the time for that yet. I guess right know, finishing my studies is my main priority.

Don't worry, I won't lose faith! Thanks again!

 

[metatron]

I'm in the same boat as you... I just say that we have to keep living and when the time comes, enjoy it at its fullest.

For my part, thanks for your opinions and good luck to you blue

 

[wentworth]

And nobody "needs" a man. Never reach that stage. Be happy with yourself first.

 

[cabinfeverguy]

I understand where you're coming from, Blue. When I came out I wanted to find a guy in a hurry but then realized that I don't really want anything serious and if it happens, it happens. I think the main reason I was so determind to snag a guy was to impress my lady friends and to prove to them that I can do it, ya know.