Sigh, JUB. HIV Anxiety (I need to be backhanded)

[Gulsday83]

I've had several 'encounters' with different men in the last four years. All of them have been oral incidents. I know that oral is low-risk, but I still convinced myself that I had HIV (And there was once incident of anal frottage where my underwear was soaked by the guy's semen and I put it on and I thought some of his semen could have gotten through the mucus membrane in my butt). Yesterday morning, I decided that I had to go get checked because the whole 'do I have HIV do I not maybe I don't because it was just oral but maybe I do because something could have gotten through my mucous membrane or it could have x or y' etc. was ruining my life.

So I go get checked. The 90 day test where they take a sample of your blood from your fingertip and test it in this little plastic cup thing, and if one circle comes up, it means you're negative. So yeah, I tested negative. I was happy at first.

But now I don't believe it. I'm worried that it was a false negative, worried that when I left the clinic, a second spot showed up to indicate a reaction (And that I'm positive), worried that she didn't take enough blood. It's ridiculous, I know.

Before I got the test I convinced myself that I would die young, and wouldn't have children, etc. Now I just can't believe it.

I also had an incident three months ago where I gave a guy oral, but it was only for a few seconds. I'm scared that even if the test showed negative, that recent guy gave me HIV, and it didn't show up because I'm in the 2% that has to wait six months for a positive result.

Ugh. If it helps, I've been diagnosed with depression and general anxiety disorder.

 

[BearMagus]

If you're suffering this much anxiety, then remain celibate for 6 months and get tested before and after. Then starting using an oral condom on your blowing sessions.

It also sounds like your sexual activity is compounding your disorders so make sure you stay on your meds or up the dosages.

 

[kallipolis]

The medical examination has demonstrated that you have not contracted HIV.

Recognise that your personality condition is now your greatest challenge.

Seek professional clinical advice on how best to conquer your anxiety syndrome.

Learn to calm your anxious self by creating hobbies that will focus your attention on creative projects.

Listening to classical music in the evenings before bedtime will assist you with better quality sleep.

Take advice on eating a healthy diet. More vegetables. More fresh fruit. Reduce/eliminate alcohol, coffee and sodas. Walk much more. Introduce physical exercise into your daily life.

Spend time in your local park and appreciate the world around you. Identify and appreciate the beauty of your life. Vent all negative thoughts as soon as they attempt to impose their will upon your thought patterns.

Educate your self on how best to conquer your anxiety challenges. There is plenty of material on the Internet. There is no need to spend money. Discipline your daily routines so that you retake control of your life.

Be happy with your lot. Be grateful for your life by sharing your time with people who value you as a friend worthy of their respect.

 

[blahblahblah2007]

Seeking counselling for your anxiety is the key thing here.

It seems that even you realize that the culprit here is not your sexual activity, which sounds very low-risk (oral) to me, but rather your anxiety problem which is giving you irrational worries.

 

[Seasoned]

Sounds like you need meds to manage anxiety. If you are on meds they probably need to be changed. You need a psychiatrist to properly manage those meds. Get tested every 3-6 months.

 

[3nipples]

Ugh. If it helps, I've been diagnosed with depression and general anxiety disorder.

Are you being treated for it?

 

[Gulsday83]

Thanks for the advice so far.

Yeah, I am being treated. At this moment in time I'm not on meds (My last medication was pretty ineffective), but I'll be going on something else in the next few months. I'm also getting a new therapist soon (I didn't bring up the HIV issue with my last one. I was too embarassed, but now I realise it defeats the purpose of therapy if I'm hiding stuff)

Funny thing is, the advice that kallipolis gave about eating healthy, exercise, etc., before I was diagnosed I was trying to get myself into the habit of doing those things. Ever since I was diagnosed HIV Negative, I've slipped into a mild depression and not doing much.

 

[kallipolis]

Thanks for the advice so far.

Yeah, I am being treated. At this moment in time I'm not on meds (My last medication was pretty ineffective), but I'll be going on something else in the next few months. I'm also getting a new therapist soon (I didn't bring up the HIV issue with my last one. I was too embarassed, but now I realise it defeats the purpose of therapy if I'm hiding stuff)

Funny thing is, the advice that kallipolis gave about eating healthy, exercise, etc., before I was diagnosed I was trying to get myself into the habit of doing those things. Ever since I was diagnosed HIV Negative, I've slipped into a mild depression and not doing much.

Your anxiety syndrome cannot be healed with a pill. Pills address the symptoms, not the causation. Treatment of your personality condition invites you to take responsibility for your own well being. This is not a singular event. Rather a process that takes time. There is no set, or prescribed timing. Your healing may take years. But once you are en route then you will appreciate that you are in control of your life.

Diet is very, very important. Avoid fast food. Eat fish twice weekly.

Healthy eating habits contribute to a gradual improvement in your condition, and a recognition that you can cope, and then handle the challenges that confront you each and every day.

Physical exercise such as brisk walks lasting at least one hour will assist you immensely.

Ensure that you spend time outside your home. Natural light is very important. Avoid wearing sun glasses even in the Summer months.

Learn to curl up with a book that generates your interest. Learn to appreciate good music.

Be patient, for patience, grows patience and will reward you with better health, and the wherewithal to better confront and triumph over your daily challenges.

 

[3nipples]

Thanks for the advice so far.

Yeah, I am being treated. At this moment in time I'm not on meds (My last medication was pretty ineffective), but I'll be going on something else in the next few months. I'm also getting a new therapist soon (I didn't bring up the HIV issue with my last one. I was too embarassed, but now I realise it defeats the purpose of therapy if I'm hiding stuff)

Funny thing is, the advice that kallipolis gave about eating healthy, exercise, etc., before I was diagnosed I was trying to get myself into the habit of doing those things. Ever since I was diagnosed HIV Negative, I've slipped into a mild depression and not doing much.

You're right about not hiding stuff from the therapist. Hopefully you'll be able to establish trust with him/her. The thing that Kallipolis said about getting outdoors and exercise is good advice.

You should also try to become involved in activities where you have contact with other people.

 

[KaraBulut]

The problem with the obsessive-anxiety situations is that no amount of reassurance will solve the problem. And if you're not stressing about HIV, it will just be some other hypochondriacal issue.

As others have recommended, this is an issue that you need to discuss with your therapist.