Sketchy guy and confused.

[ncoryw]

Hello everyone, it's late and I know I should be doing my homework but I'm confused at my current situation. So basically I met this guy on manhunt, he seemed like a pretty nice guy, owns a small private company and is 29 years old (i am 23 by the way). We were just going to do a one time hook up date, but we started texting each other a lot and eventually we made our hooking up date into a actually date with dinner because we felt that we matched well. So the day went by well and we did end up having sex because we were both horny, and he really wanted my ass...

Then fast forward to today, everything was going well, until I realized, he didn't really seem to care about me, I would tell him stuff, my feelings, and he would hardly acknowledge it. He would usually tell me nonstop about how busy his work place is and the only thing he talks about me really, is my ass, and how he can't wait to f*ck it again. So i had a talk with him on the phone tonight, and i directly asked him if he was serious about me and also if he was finding better guys since he was on manhunt a lot. He denied and i believed him, then he told me he had was going to sleep cause he had to work early in the morning.

So 20 minutes later, i go on manhunt cause i was just curious to see if he was online ( i have my doubts), and he was, what a liar.... and then i realized that he changed the city profile to the place he was going on vacation to mexico this saturday with his best friend. Oh and he likes latino boys too.. Am i just thinking too much, or this guy is shady and dishonest.. or that fact that he couldn't resist hooking up from going to a land full of latino boys.. i don't know =(

 

[KaraBulut]

The question is "What do you want?".

A guy who has time for your ass but not for you as a person?

A fuckbuddy that you like well enough or are you looking for more?

What he does or doesn't do isn't really the issue. The issue is what you're willing to settle for.

 

[Lucas07]

Sounds like he's playing the field.
Don't let him play with your emotions
You know what you deserve, if you think this isn't how you should be treated, please, don't tolerate. I know you might like this guy but bad behavior is bad behavior. Don't defend it. Been through it and at the end of the day... if someone likes you likes you, they'll probably show it properly

 

[techie70]

Basically you are describing a fairly self absobered person to me. I know people who met for a hookup and it turned into more. Doesn't sound like that is what this guy is looking for but you are now based on the chemistry you perceived. I would walk away from this one as he definitely seems to be playing you in some way.

 

[ncoryw]

The question is "What do you want?".

A guy who has time for your ass but not for you as a person?

A fuckbuddy that you like well enough or are you looking for more?

What he does or doesn't do isn't really the issue. The issue is what you're willing to settle for.

Well if he wants a relationship with me, I want him to be 100% honest with me, but since he is already lying about going on manhunt instead of sleeping then that is already a big issue, since he's already doing this in the beginning. I mean if he wasn't going to hookup with someone in Mexico, he wouldn't had change his city to that place he was visiting.... and I don't want him sleepin with other guys and not tell me... What if he contacted some disease.... I'll ask him straight up when I see him on thursday, ask him to get his priorities straight and where he wants this relationship to go, because I do not do open relationships.

Sounds like he's playing the field.
Don't let him play with your emotions
You know what you deserve, if you think this isn't how you should be treated, please, don't tolerate. I know you might like this guy but bad behavior is bad behavior. Don't defend it. Been through it and at the end of the day... if someone likes you likes you, they'll probably show it properly

I agree, and to me it's a red flag when you are already lying about stuff in the beginning..
But i will talk to him on thusday..

Basically you are describing a fairly self absobered person to me. I know people who met for a hookup and it turned into more. Doesn't sound like that is what this guy is looking for but you are now based on the chemistry you perceived. I would walk away from this one as he definitely seems to be playing you in some way.

Yeah, he does tend to be full of himself sometimes. I guess I just needed some outside advice to tell me to stop.

augh, this is why I don't like meeting people on the website, but i thought I would give it a try..

 

[techie70]

I would say the majority of people on those websites are looking for hookups. Given that - are you necessarily looking to find someone to date or just hookups. If you're looking for dating it might be better to check other sites. If you are just looking for hookups - don't let one bad experience get you down.

 

[LoveIsNow]

Get rid of him. He's not looking to be in a relationship with you. He just wants some steady ass; you said yourself that that's all he talks about. Plus you said on your first date that he "really wanted [your] ass". If he's lying to you, that's even more reason not to trust him. Even for just a casual fuckbuddy relationship, he shouldn't be lying to you.

btw,

If you do want to find someone to actually date online, you should try okcupid.com. I used it in the past, and liked it, and my boyfriend's brother uses it, and has been seeing a nice girl he found on there.

 

[ncoryw]

^ Yea.. well I did ask if he only liked my ass but he said he enjoyed my company too but didn't really elaborate on it except for i am a "nice" and "cute" guy.
I will end it though, I can't take liars, and before getting too emotionally deep with him I have to stop, because I can see myself checking manhunt constantly to see if he is online....

 

[Seasoned]

^ Yea.. well I did ask if he only liked my ass but he said he enjoyed my company too but didn't really elaborate on it except for i am a "nice" and "cute" guy.
I will end it though, I can't take liars, and before getting too emotionally deep with him I have to stop, because I can see myself checking manhunt constantly to see if he is online....

BINGO! Your life should always be about what's best for you, and if it's good for you it will then be good for everyone around you. Having to monitor someone's behavior is not healthy.

You would like something other than what this person would like. Even if he were telling the truth and you still felt compelled to check up on him it would be unhealthy for you. Watch for co-dependency traits. Co-dependency can make one a crazy person. PM me on that topic if you wish.

Best wishes to you.

 

[KaraBulut]

Well if he wants a relationship with me, I want him to be 100% honest with me, but since he is already lying about going on manhunt instead of sleeping then that is already a big issue, since he's already doing this in the beginning. I mean if he wasn't going to hookup with someone in Mexico, he wouldn't had change his city to that place he was visiting.... and I don't want him sleepin with other guys and not tell me...

You have the answer to your question, then.

I'll ask him straight up when I see him on thursday, ask him to get his priorities straight and where he wants this relationship to go, because I do not do open relationships...

Having the conversation is fine but usually the outcome in cases like this will be:

1. More lies.
2. Excuses.
3. Attempts to blame you for being a control freak.
4. All of the above.

When it comes down to it, probably the most logical explanation for your current circumstance is the word "relationship". It's a word that you would use to describe what you have and probably not a word that he would use to describe what you have.

And that's probably a fatal flaw, in the end.

 

[backpacker]

I don't think the guy is cheating. Nothing you wrote gives any indication that your relationship is anything more than casual. One date and a couple of hook ups doesn't make an exclusive relationship. He told you he enjoys your company and that it's more than just sex. Unless he said your are exclusive, you're not.

As far as going to bed, you really don't know if that was true or not. There are many possibilities as to why he was on the computer later, such as: 1)He may have gone to bed, couldn't sleep and decided to play on the computer a little; 2) He went to bed, remembered he wanted to change his profile, so he got up to do that; 3) He could have also meant that he needed to get off the phone so that he could get a few things done and get to bed early; 4) He could have also made the excuse to get off the phone as he wasn't comfortable with your questioning; 5) you could have scared him off by pushing for a relationship so soon and he decided to move on.

Even if I was totally into a guy, I would be a little freaked out if he started pushing for a commitment so early into the relationship. The two of you hardly know each other. It's way too soon to expect him to be exclusive.

Obviously there is a disconnect and this isn't the kind of relationship that you want. It's probably best that you move on. I just don't want you to think that he somehow wronged you or that he was just using you.

 

[ncoryw]

I don't think the guy is cheating. Nothing you wrote gives any indication that your relationship is anything more than casual. One date and a couple of hook ups doesn't make an exclusive relationship. He told you he enjoys your company and that it's more than just sex. Unless he said your are exclusive, you're not.

As far as going to bed, you really don't know if that was true or not. There are many possibilities as to why he was on the computer later, such as: 1)He may have gone to bed, couldn't sleep and decided to play on the computer a little; 2) He went to bed, remembered he wanted to change his profile, so he got up to do that; 3) He could have also meant that he needed to get off the phone so that he could get a few things done and get to bed early; 4) He could have also made the excuse to get off the phone as he wasn't comfortable with your questioning; 5) you could have scared him off by pushing for a relationship so soon and he decided to move on.

Even if I was totally into a guy, I would be a little freaked out if he started pushing for a commitment so early into the relationship. The two of you hardly know each other. It's way too soon to expect him to be exclusive.

Obviously there is a disconnect and this isn't the kind of relationship that you want. It's probably best that you move on. I just don't want you to think that he somehow wronged you or that he was just using you.

^ yea that makes sense, but I never really accused him of cheating, just that I feel like there's an motive for him to cheat since he changed his profile to the city he was visiting. I wouldn't care if he was online on manhunt, but the fact the he changed the city so he could look up the guys from the city is really fishy. And I saw his changed profile after I straight up asked if he was trying to hook up with other guys. He said why would he when he already has found me. I also asked if he was serious about me and he said yes. The commitment thing is kinda mutual. But lately it feels like a bunch of b.s, the stuff he says..

 

[altlover85]

^ yea that makes sense, but I never really accused him of cheating, just that I feel like there's an motive for him to cheat since he changed his profile to the city he was visiting. I wouldn't care if he was online on manhunt, but the fact the he changed the city so he could look up the guys from the city is really fishy. And I saw his changed profile after I straight up asked if he was trying to hook up with other guys. He said why would he when he already has found me. I also asked if he was serious about me and he said yes. The commitment thing is kinda mutual. But lately it feels like a bunch of b.s, the stuff he says..

Isn't the bolded information important background information that you should have shared in your first post?

If he said all those things, then I can understand why you feel the way you do, but regardless, don't assume exclusivity unless someone clearly says to you that he wants to be exclusive or asks if you want to be exclusive.

 

[KaraBulut]

I met this guy on manhunt,...We were just going to do a one time hook up date, but... we made our hooking up date into a actually date with dinner because we felt that we matched well. ....everything was going well, until I realized, he didn't really seem to care about me, I would tell him stuff, my feelings, and he would hardly acknowledge it. ... the only thing he talks about me really, is my ass, and how he can't wait to f*ck it again. .... i directly asked him if he was serious about me and also if he was finding better guys since he was on manhunt a lot. He denied and i believed him....

So 20 minutes later, i go on manhunt cause i was just curious to see if he was online ( i have my doubts), and he was, what a liar.... and then i realized that he changed the city profile to the place he was going on vacation to mexico this saturday with his best friend. Oh and he likes latino boys too.. Am i just thinking too much, or this guy is shady and dishonest.. or that fact that he couldn't resist hooking up from going to a land full of latino boys.. i don't know =(

...after I straight up asked if he was trying to hook up with other guys. He said why would he when he already has found me. I also asked if he was serious about me and he said yes. The commitment thing is kinda mutual. But lately it feels like a bunch of b.s, the stuff he says..

Most of the time in these threads, it's apparent from the information in the post that the OP has an idea of what the facts are and what he/she should do. In the end, we're just affirming what the OP already knows.

This thread is not that clear. There's not a clear picture coming out of this about whether this is a serious relationship or just a fuckbuddy/convenience thing. It seems that you want it to be a serious committed relationship even though it didn't start that way.

What you've told us so far:

• You met a hookup on manhunt..
• The hookup evolved into something more but what that "something" is not clear
• He seems to like to fuck your ass when possible...
• At times, you don't think he's really as interested in what you're saying as he is in fucking your ass...
• He's still hanging out on the site where he hooked up with you...
• He changes his information on his profile on that same site when he's going to be away and you think it's because he's hooking up with other guys...which he denies...
• But you believe the two of you are in a serious relationship.
• From the latest conversation, you believe that the commitment is mutual.

There's so much cognitive dissonance to this that it doesn't seem completely logical and that makes it very difficult for us to give you advice on the best course of action. Perhaps it's because your boyfriend is doing one thing but saying another. Or perhaps it's because you're stressed and insecure and no matter what he says, you don't believe him. Or perhaps your understanding of what a defines a "relationship" is just too different from what his definition of a "relationship" is.

 

[HunterM]

Here's a dating tip in the future:

Unless you and your date verbally agreed on an exclusive relationship, everyone (including yourself) is free to see other people. Verbal agreement (not mutual understanding from your point of view) is a contract. That is why clear communication (not assumptions) is important in a relationship. If you don't have a contract/agreement up front, the other person does not know what your relationship rules are. Therefore, you cannot blame him for crossing your boundaries.

If you want to be in an exclusive relationship, you have to tell him upfront. Tell him what you want out of this relationship. Then ask him what he wants out of this relationship as well. Relationship gap usually presents itself during this discussion. Then, you both can decide how to move forward.

Good luck!

 

[altlover85]

Here's a dating tip in the future:

Unless you and your date verbally agreed on an exclusive relationship, everyone (including yourself) is free to see other people. Verbal agreement (not mutual understanding from your point of view) is a contract. That is why clear communication (not assumptions) is important in a relationship. If you don't have a contract/agreement up front, the other person does not know what your relationship rules are. Therefore, you cannot blame him for crossing your boundaries.

If you want to be in an exclusive relationship, you have to tell him upfront. Tell him what you want out of this relationship. Then ask him what he wants out of this relationship as well. Relationship gap usually presents itself during this discussion. Then, you both can decide how to move forward.

Good luck!

This is excellent advice. If you're dating and you haven't had this conversation, have it and save yourself from any drama or hurt feelings later on.