Sketchy Situation

[backseatboy]

First, thanks for the advice on my previous post, GLexington, KaraBulut, FabFairy. I really am working on finding new friends outside my circle and it is working and admitting my feelings to my best friend of 6 years. I am missing out of a-lot by restricting myself.

I went to the club last night and made a point to take time away from my normal circle and meet new guys. I'm just having a hard time accepting the consequences. The harder I try to met new guys, the harder my normal circle tries to pull me away.

I should have expected this. But Rob (my best friend who I like but cannot admit my feelings to) kissed me last night, and specifically made a point to distract any guy I was hitting on. I really like Rob and normally would have loved to have made out with him but I freaked out because he has a boyfriend. Previous to going to the club I met the group at a bar and Rob's boyfriend was feeling me up under the table and holding my hand. I hate cheating, and don't want to play any part in it but I feel like they do. Rob's boyfriend also admitted to me that he did drugs earlier. Their relationship makes no sense to me.

This is a kinda roundabout way to ask a question but Rob is in a committed 2-year relationship with a great guy. Is it OK for Rob to hit on other guys, kiss me, dance and feelup like 5 guys while his boyfriend (who he forced to stay home from the club) is sleeping? On top of that, Rob left me at the club and I don't know that he went home to his boyfriend or not.

He is going to call me sometime today and just don't know what to say to him. That I love him? That I'm upset? That I wish I didn't have these feelings for him anymore? That Rob needs to break up with his boyfriend if Rob isn't going to be faithful? That Rob's boyfriend is hitting on me? That we need to go our separate ways? Is Rob doing drugs too? That he is an idiot?

I JUST had my spring break and want another. All I want to do is run.

 

[G-Lexington]

Well, let's cut to the chase. Is it OK if Rob does this? No idea. Because that'll depend on how Rob and his boyfriend have set up their relationship. For most relationships, it's generally assumed - right or wrong - that the relationship is exclusive. That there won't be anything sexual going on outside it other than friendly hugs and pecks on the cheek. But that's more a "default" than a way it is for all, or even most relationships. People can define their sexual relationship anyway they see fit. It might be that they can kiss, grope, lick, suck, fuck or be fucked by anybody else. They may demand a full accounting, or they may demand that they never be told. It's all up to them.

The fact that Rob AND Rob's boyfriend both have been playing touchy-feely with you seems to indicate that outside play is allowed.

But that doesn't mean you should immediately toss your pants away and jump into his bed. Because, first off, you don't know if that's the case. You'll only know if you hear it from BOTH of them. Because - and this might be devastating to hear - guys lie. They lie like apes if it means sex on the other end. So "Uh-huh, he said I can fuck other guys" holds no water unless the boyfriend is there, nodding his head.

And even THAT isn't the main hurdle for you to get over. Because even they both say it's OK, even if Rob invites you into his bed...you're the side project. You're the bonus footage. You're not the main deal. And you WON'T be the main deal. The sex might be mind-blowing, and you might even be invited back, to play with either or both of them. But it'll always be at THEIR discretion, on THEIR terms, and when it's convenient to THEM. If they're not feeling it, if BF has some qualms about it, then that's the end of that.

It sounds like you're not in love with Rob. You're in love with Fantasy Rob. The one who looks the same, and acts kind of the same, but doesn't have a boyfriend, and doesn't hit on all the guys in the room, and wants to be devoted and faithful and indoctrinate his best friend into the wonders of man-on-man sex without worrying about his own selfish needs.

This Rob doesn't exist, I'm afraid.

Lex

 

[conrad]

Somehow the impression I get is that you are not yet sure just exactly what it is that you are looking for.

The lure of being with the crowd, the supposed thrills of the tinsel and firecracker side of sex is there too, and yet I get the impression that you want something better, something more durable. Keep thinking on that.

IMHO let yourself be a friend to others and let them be friends to you. With some you will discover that wonderful as the friendship is it will not likely become sexual; and, that is alright since most friendships never do involve sex but are nonetheless valuable to you.

I hesitate to call it a kind of chemistry that operates between persons, but some friendships do become more than just friendships. And, such friends seek ways to express their affection for one another. The contacts become more physical and when the bond of friendship and love reaches that moment when sex happens it is needed and wanted by both parties. Such sex comes naturally and seems right. It serves to confirm and strengthen the bond that has already come to exist and gets better with each re-confirmation! That kind of sexual relationship is the gold standard. Why settle for less?

 

[KaraBulut]

Don't worry about your friend's relationship, values and conduct. These things are just the source of frustration.

Unlike "straight" society there aren't clear rules about relationships and monogamy in gay couples. Some people consider this liberating and an advantage. Some people consider it very confusing. Some people don't consider gay relationships to be any different from straight relationships and they feel that all relationships should be monogamous.


Spend your time focusing on what you want, what your values are and what you want from a relationship. And never settle for anything less.

 

[slickery]

I haven't read your previous posts, but it sounds like Rob and his boyfriend know you like Rob.

Thus Rob seems able to string you along, and the fact his boyfriend is also "hitting" on you indicates a sort of competition between the two of them.

Either way none of it sounds healthy. He may be your best friend, but take a break from him and the others for a while before you tangled up in some big queer mess.

A gay group is like a big clusteruck relationship, and unless you're willing to the play the game then you should not get so involved with it. Especially if you truly want to remain friends with them. Do things outside of clubbing with one or all of them rather then just constantly going out and creating more scandals.

 

[JasunStrikesBack]

don't you hate it when people intentionally fuck up your sex life like that?

He sounds like a very self-centered, greedy douche bag.

He knows that you're his spare in case his boyfriend dumps his useless ass and when he saw you talking to another guy he came over and did the equivalent of a dog pissing on your.. marking his territory.

Tell him that you don't need him coming in and getting in your way when you're meeting guys. And go out without him.. to places he's not going.

 

[backseatboy]

<3

I wouldn't know what to do without you all. Fantasy Rob doesn't exist, but is all I have to hold onto. And because of that, your so right conrad. i don't really know what I'm looking for in reality because Fantasy Rob left two years ago.

I'm so so damn inpatient. I really do want something durable and lasting because I don't really have time or patience for anything less. I have gone out by-myself, but people judge me in a very negative way for doing that and have done it less frequently. This town is so freaking small you run into the same exact people anyway and the clustering happens organically.

Rob's bf and I "get along". But I really do feel he is just keeping is enemies close. Or to let Rob knows that he actually does have some control. It definitely sounds like I should not take Rob's offer of moving in together this summer. That idea sounds SO stupid in light of this input.

It is SO pissy when your friends mess with ur game. He claims he is trying to help me meet new guys, but I don't believe it for a second. Once I'm 21 I will definitely hit up the only other gay bar in town

 

[backseatboy]

I'll update everyone when Rob and I actually talk again. I expect it will be awhile... And I think I'll be ok with that.