Slobone's advice to the gaylorn

[slobone]

After just a couple of months of reading the threads on the Coming Out forum, I can't help noticing that the same topics seem to come up over and over. So to save time, I've prepared an all-purpose advice list, based on my many years' experience of doing everything wrong.

Unfortunately, I don't really think I can post it over there, so I'll put it here in Hot Topics. You ready?

1. If your ex-lover participates in any kind of ceremony with another man that involves gift registry at Nordstrom's, I think it's safe to assume that your chances of getting back together with him are slim.
2. If you've never actually had physical contact with somebody, you don't have "a relationship", and you can't "break up."
3. If your best friend kisses you goodbye when you part, or whispers "I love you" in your ear, or responds to comments about how gay the two of you look together by saying "So what's wrong with that?", I think he's trying to tell you something.
4. If you've never gotten an erection over a woman, you're not bisexual.

And of course:

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5. There is no known way to have sex with a man without him finding out that you're gay.

Anybody want to add to the list?

 

[dpnice]

When your parents or your best friend asks if you are gay they really aren't asking they're trying to say "we know, so just come out already"

Goodness that is true.

I have always said that if someone poses that question then they already know the answer. It does seem logical as why ask if someone is gay if you don't already think that they are.

I like the ones that begin with "Can I ask you a personal question?" straight away you can be 100% certain that they are going to ask if you are gay.

 

[dpnice]

The fact that a "hot" guy smiles at you once in the supermarket is not sufficient reason to start dreaming of a long term relationship and rampant sex with him.

 

[pausanias_usa]

6. The more dramatic that you make your coming-out announcement, the more of a drama queen that you look. . . .

 

[slobone]

6. The more dramatic that you make your coming-out announcement, the more of a drama queen that you look. . . .

That's so true. A friend of mine, who'd already been living with his lover for several years, decided it was finally time to come out to his mother. So he took her out to a restaurant, just the two of them, and had the Big Announcement all planned.

After he told her, she changed the subject to what was going on with her, and that's all they talked about the rest of the evening. He was so pissed! Because he thought for once at least he'd be the center of attention.

But really, most people just aren't all that interested in anyone other than themselves, especially if the subject is one they'd rather not talk about.

 

[slobone]

Like Days of the Week on SCTV, if anybody remembers back that far.

Rick Moranis: Sue Ellen, before we get married, there's something we need to talk about.

Catherine O'Hara: Alright, it's true. I've slept with every trucker who's been in my diner.

Rick Moranis: No, I was going to tell you I only have six months to live.

Catherine O'Hara (with an embarrassed giggle): Oh!

 

[slobone]

it migh sound funny to you guys but this was a big fear for me... But i did it

Should I tell my Doctor I am gay? I am barely outta the closet. (I told my mom and it went OK for now anyways but no one else)

Anonymous

I would say it depends on the doctor. Probably no need to tell your eye doctor, for example, unless he happens to be hot, like the young guy who examined me with his knees pressed right between my thighs, practically all the way up to my crotch, and when he asked, "Which lens is better, this one or this one?" all I could say was "It's all good"....

 

[gsdx]

7 - No matter how much you may wish it to be so, the chances are good that *insert hottest male celeb name here* is not gay and probably will have no interest in you whatsoever.

8 - If, by chance *insert hottest male celeb name here* is gay, he probably will have no interest in you whatsoever.

 

[Steppenwolf]

9. If you're waiting for Mr. Perfect to come knocking at your door, you'll probably be alone for a long time. You have to go out, meet people, and take some risks.

 

[RationalLunacy]

9. If you're waiting for Mr. Perfect to come knocking at your door, you'll probably be alone for a long time.

Unless you're planning on seducing a Jehovah's Witness or a Mormon.

[It has happened!]

 

[hotdog1846]

Unless you're planning on seducing a Jehovah's Witness or a Mormon.

Or have ordered Mr. Perfect from amazon.com!

 

[slobone]

"Why are you in an ascot while the other men at the party are wearing ties?"

Well, okay. With that one^, they'd have a point but you get the idea.

I believe it's called a foulard [sniffs].