So after 3 years with him...

[GettinJizzywitit]

I'm ready to call it quits.

He was the reason I came out. He was my world. Now, my stomach turns every time he returns from working about 70 miles away from me during the week.

We both have a bit of A type in us but, I know this sounds a little cliché, I am the more passive one. In short I'm the power bottom and I'm fine with that.

Our relationship has always been work as he is a self admitted bitch and grew up in a broken Jewish/Catholic household that was heavy on criticism and guilt. A perfectionist that does not know the meaning of break, he is a relentless criticizer, bitcher, and slave driver.

The straw that is breaking the camel's back is this: We are having a get together this weekend and suddenly heard through the grapevine that a friend of ours just had his 60th birthday but his partner didn't really put much together for him as they were dealing with quite a bit medically.

The solution presented by a room mate of mine, there are two room mates, was to combine the parties, make it a surprise and invite the birthday boy and his partner who was in the know.

DONE! not so fast. As I took control of planning, since nobody else was there to do so, my boyfriend, who was 70 miles away for work, began to take issue with nearly every aspect of how I planned the party all the way down to how to present the "Surprise!" moment.

First my boyfriend claimed that I was hurting the birthday boy's partner's feelings by taking over the planning. Well, in speaking to the birthday boy's partner I found that he did not feel slighted at all and that he was very appreciative of our efforts. Then my boyfriend claimed I wouldn't listen to his suggestions because I wanted the attention or planning the party when in actuality his suggestions were frankly not that good and were coming from a different angle. His suggestions were all about removing the Surprise element and I wanted to pull more of a magical surprise moment.

Then after telling him I had it under control, and even after taking some of his suggestions, he began to rail on the fact that the house would not be spotless when he got home this Friday afternoon. The Party? That's on Sunday. The mess? Created by myself and 2 room mates living there. One room mate is home all day ( he is older and a slow mover), one room mate has an erratic schedule as a contractor, and I work 9-5. I planned on, if nobody helped me, cleaning the house Friday night and Saturday Morning.

Why didn't I clean during the week when I got home? Because my boyfriend had me working for him and his website on Tuesday and Thursday night. That left me Monday night and Wednesday night and both night to find decorations for the B-day party and regular party. On top of the fact that my older, slower room mate needed dinner and I usually make sure he is taken care of.

The point is that, after all my work, effort and stress he still likes to argue, find fault and make me feel an inch tall for giving my best shot at anything.


I am sad, angry, depressed and tired of feeling my heart racing at the thought of being around him. I want things to be better but he is a constant source of negative energy and exudes anger and frustration and guilt.

I am becoming tired

What do I do? If I am in the wrong LET ME KNOW!

 

[racer2438]

Fact is you have fallen out of love and his issues dont help at all. Why be in mizzery, life is to short and to good to pass the rest of the time here. It's time to move on whether he likes it or not. You have to take care you 1st. Just have your talk and tell the way it is. Of course he may come back with all kinds of things and throw the fault back at you. And whine about it but that well only seal the deal for you. Find your own place or have him move out. Start fresh and enjoy life. Only them will he/maybe realize what he has done.

I have been with my bf for 24-1/2 yrs and would not trade a single moment. He is my total soul mate.

 

[swerve]

I'm going to SLIGHTLY disagree with Racers' advice...

I would use the words -- PROCEED WITH CAUTION...

First of all -- is this party thing an example of EVERY DAY LIFE -- OR -- just the reason you've posted the post...

Don't let ONE THING ruin 3 years...

Think about it this way...

WHAT would you do WITHOUT him???

I'm not sure what your age is (in THIS situation -- age MIGHT matter) -- AND -- I agree he was somewhat "short" with you regarding the party -- BUT -- these are things you can EASILY talk through and come to a COMMON understanding...

I guess I'm just not convinced that something as silly as a party should be a "final straw"...

I do sincerely wish the best for BOTH of you...

Please keep us updated...

 

[KaraBulut]

What do I do?

One thing I have to point out about your post- you have posted a large paragraph about how the two of you are incompatible. You mentioned nothing about why you got involved with him, you mentioned nothing about why you have been with him for 3 years and you have mentioned not a single positive feeling that you two might have for each other.

So, are you just bitching to get it out of your system or are the two of you as incompatible as your post would suggest?

You have two choices.
1. Get into counseling with your boyfriend and try to work it out.
2. Put an end to the misery for both of you.

 

[racer2438]

My advise was in my interpetation of his post. Which I got that this has been a on going problem that has gotton worse. That is why I said what I said.

But yes, if this is just 1st time issue then you both need to sit down and have a good talk with counseling. After 3yrs together if he was this way you have known this, but if this is all new then issues have to be found and resolved.

I do feel if someone is unhappy they need to figure it out together or move on in life.

 

[GettinJizzywitit]

This is, as I said the straw that broke the camel's back. Meaning that this is an example of common behavior that has finally broken my spirit an love for him. Everything is a fight. Everything is an argument.

We don't laugh with each other and his touch that use to make me happy feels gross to me now.


My original post was a total bitch session but the feelings remain in a more thought out fashion. It's just that, well, this one incident has happened countless times and I am tired of fighting.

Counseling is certainly something I have suggested, but he is mostly unwilling to go. His thoughts on the matter are that if a relationship needs counseling it's not worth saving. ...Nice

 

[alley]

This is, as I said the straw that broke the camel's back. Meaning that this is an example of common behavior that has finally broken my spirit an love for him. Everything is a fight. Everything is an argument.

We don't laugh with each other and his touch that use to make me happy feels gross to me now.


My original post was a total bitch session but the feelings remain in a more thought out fashion. It's just that, well, this one incident has happened countless times and I am tired of fighting.

Counseling is certainly something I have suggested, but he is mostly unwilling to go. His thoughts on the matter are that if a relationship needs counseling it's not worth saving. ...Nice

There's your answer---

 

[theblackajah]

Relationships like these are hard, but you need to see things from his perspective as well.

Perhaps I shall lend you mine, because I am in a similar relationship... and, well, I'm the perfectionist/type A/always beats everyone at everything one.

Sometimes it's hard for us "Type A"s, because, well, we always think we're right. Funny thing is, for real hardcore Type A's, we usually ARE right, and the rest of the world quite often disappoints. Hence, the need for control - because we don't trust the majority of incompetent fools out there.

In your relationship, this doesn't necessarily indicate a lack of love, but rather, a lack of respect. He may love you, but deep down, he may not respect what you are capable compared to him. Perhaps he feels that he's shouldering the "greater" responsibilities in the relationship, such as money, organization, planning for the future, etc. Perhaps you haven't given him much to feel that you can contribute a similar amount as he can?

I cannot analyze it further without knowing all the details of your relationship, but here's something I can tell you: You should talk to him before you decide to go anywhere or break anything up. Talk about your value and respect issues - how does he view you? Is he happy with you as a partner? Is it just this party, or does it go beyond that? You need to establish what each person feels about the other, and see if you can slowly work towards respecting each other's strengths and flaws, and perhaps work towards a compromise. If that's not possible due to irreconcilable differences, then perhaps it's time to break it up.

Secondly, you need to ask yourself too: Why do YOU want to break it up. Do you not feel valued or respected in the relationship? What can he do to change that? What can YOU do to earn his respect? Are you willing to work towards that?

Good luck!

 

[GettinJizzywitit]

Sometimes it's hard for us "Type A"s, because, well, we always think we're right. Funny thing is, for real hardcore Type A's, we usually ARE right, and the rest of the world quite often disappoints.

Wait a minute. Is this my boyfriend? LOLOL

I do appreciate your heartfelt advice. Certainly food for thought.

 

[KaraBulut]

Everything is an argument...I am tired of fighting...We don't laugh with each other and his touch that use to make me happy feels gross to me now...

You have reached a point in your relationship where you are fightng over petty shit. While there are people who seem to like the fight-makeupsex cycle, when you reach a point in a relationship where the relationship is a battlefield, then it's time to give up and move on.

His thoughts on the matter are that if a relationship needs counseling it's not worth saving

If this in fact is the case, he's telling you that:
1. He does think the relationship is worth saving
2. He's not interested in changing his behavior

I'm ready to call it quits.

Ok, then- you're on.

 

[innocentbychoice]

We don't laugh with each other and his touch that used to make me happy feels gross to me now.

This is what really got my attention. It seems like you really aren't enjoying it anymore and that this isn't a temporary thing. What's the point of being with someone you can't stand being close to? If the attraction is gone and, most importantly, if you feel he diminishes and underestimates you and makes you feel bad and useless and if he isn't willing to EVER change then maybe it's time to move on.

You don't want your selfesteem to suffer.


Now GettinJizzywitit if you and the mods don't mind, I want to ask something to theblackajah.

Sometimes it's hard for us "Type A"s, because, well, we always think we're right. Funny thing is, for real hardcore Type A's, we usually ARE right, and the rest of the world quite often disappoints.

Don't mean to get into an argument, I'm just genuinely interested: But how do you know you are in fact right when you just take your perspective and not anyone else's into account? Maybe those people don't live up to your personal standards but does that really mean that they are actually incompetent or less capable than you? I don't see it that way.

PS: And I'm very stubborn, but my own consciousness about that trait of my personality always makes me analyze things and wonder if I'm objectively right.

 

[Atomw7]

You have reached a point in your relationship where you are fightng over petty shit. While there are people who seem to like the fight-makeupsex cycle, when you reach a point in a relationship where the relationship is a battlefield, then it's time to give up and move on.

Makeup sex is so amazing.

 

[KaraBulut]

Makeup sex is so amazing.

I-love-you sex is still a lot better.

 

[Atomw7]

Makeup sex is so amazing.

I-love-you sex is still a lot better.

It's still I-live-you sex, with the added "I'm sorry"

 

[theblackajah]

Now GettinJizzywitit if you and the mods don't mind, I want to ask something to theblackajah.




Don't mean to get into an argument, I'm just genuinely interested: But how do you know you are in fact right when you just take your perspective and not anyone else's into account? Maybe those people don't live up to your personal standards but does that really mean that they are actually incompetent or less capable than you? I don't see it that way.

PS: And I'm very stubborn, but my own consciousness about that trait of my personality always makes me analyze things and wonder if I'm objectively right.

Well, I know I'm right because eventually things work out, and people admit I was right. Whenever I make a decision or prediction on how to proceed in situations, they tend to turn out exactly as planned.

As for people not living up to my standards... well, quite often it IS very hard to have someone else do a job that you could do significantly better. But I really don't hold people to my personal standard. I hold them to a professional standard of quality, which should be reasonable for anyone who is capable.

 

[michaelarchangel]

He is an energy vampire.
protect your health.
http://www.oprah.com/health/omag/health_omag_200204_energy.jhtml

 

[rareboy]

Wow. I would say that both of you will be better off without the other.

I had a hard time picking out the real issues from the bulk of your post which seemed to be all about the drama of planning a birthday party. If this is how the two of you deal with the least important issues, then I'd have to say that neither of you sound mature or emotionally commited enough to deal with the larger ones.

So, pack your stuff and move on.

Love one another as friends after the break-up and hopefully each of you will find the right partner the next time around.

 

[fiorio]

you know that the 3rd year of relationshp is hard, after you get over it, you will last 4 more years. then the 7th year will be hard too. after you get over it, you will last a few more year. the cycle goes on and on.

 

[innocentbychoice]

Well, I know I'm right because eventually things work out, and people admit I was right. Whenever I make a decision or prediction on how to proceed in situations, they tend to turn out exactly as planned.

As for people not living up to my standards... well, quite often it IS very hard to have someone else do a job that you could do significantly better. But I really don't hold people to my personal standard. I hold them to a professional standard of quality, which should be reasonable for anyone who is capable.

Oh ok that's cool.

 

[Eternaldarkness]

Have you ever heard the phrase that : If in an argument, both are wrong. If one person is right and the other is wrong, then argument is settled. If both are right, then there will be no argument. The truth is, both of you are wrong therefore you're fighting, believing that each is right in his own sense, thus wrong in another sense.

Maybe your boyfriend is stressed from work. Does not want a party. Would rather you two spend the time together alone, in a simple small party perhaps maybe..and not something so big and complicated.

Maybe you are stressed yourself that he's working way too much. You really want to have a fun time and create a wonderful time for the birthday couple, and you really want to make this an opportunity for you and your partner too. Maybe you are stress out too much from all these work you are doing, from the planning to the arrangement to the helping with your boyfriend's website.

Both of you need a chill pill and understand that hey, you're both stressed out and that had lead to wrongfullness and arguments.

Maybe you both need to admit that: Hey, were both coming off at a different angle of looking at this and maybe we need to just sit down and explain our real thoughts to each other. Hopefully we can understand each other's intention.

3 years is a long time, its not like 3 weeks where you have not understand each other's personality yet. Maybe it is a really long time that you have both forgot what the other person is really thinking.

Imagine it like this...you're each standing at a slope downward, face to face. You're not seeing anything but his face and you're not understanding him, vice versa. If you both take several steps backward, hey, you will see the image behind each other!

By being patience enough and understanding enough, it will require a price of giving into, but the reward is a more clear pictures of thing.

Put all arguments asside. Sit down and please talk. Before you do talk, make sure to tell him that you will not argue and request for no argument. This is just a straight on conversation of sharing each other's mind.

Trust me, if you admit the wrongs of yourself, he will certainly admit his wrongs too. Then you will figure something out that will works both ways.

Being impatience and screaming "its over" will do nothing to help fix a problem.