So confused

[Pushover]

Well, I might as well start from the top. This is hard and im literally breaking down and crying as im typing this.

I'm 23, male, and have accepted that i'm gay but not out. I was diagnosed with a panic disorder several years ago which has left me unemployed, living with my parents; I don't have any real life friends, I don't know how to drive, and I think i'm afraid of commitments. My grandmother just recently died, so my parents are out of town, leaving me to take care of our two cats. That's the back story.

While I was just browsing the net for music (I heard the song Sugar Baby Love on the radio and wondered if there was a music video), I came across a video some of you have probably seen ( http://www.ifilm.com/player?ifilmId=2818874&cmpnid=717&pt=sr&refsite=88 75 ). I watched the video and suddenly my emotions just burst out. While it's about HIV/AIDS and using protection, I caught at another message: growing up, being gay, keeping it a secret, then somehow coming out and knowing that everything can alright in the end.

As to being gay I dont have any friends to talk to, nor any family members that would understand. I've never had sex, nor felt real emotional attachment to another guy, but I know i'm atracted to men and have accepted that. I suspect my parents know i'm gay or at least bisexual, but they've never acted on it or asked questions. I guess my mother would be supportive but my father is a basic 'meat and potatos' kind of guy, with typical negative views on homosexuality, racism, and civil rights.

My problem is I don't know how to approach the subject. Since I don't really have anyone to talk to I considered counseling, but without being able to drive there would be no way to do so without my parents finding out. I'm so frustrated and there's no way to vent my feelings. If I don't tell somebody soon i'm going to have a serious breakdown.

What should I do?

 

[Eagle653]

Wow, Pushover, there's a lot going on. First, though, welcome to posting. I noticed you joined almost 2 years ago--I'm glad you made your first post!

Anyway, you kind of need to sort out the priority of all your issues. For right now, you have us--a community of guys, many of whom have been where you are now.

One issue is the panic disorder, leading to living with parents, and appearing to be not very independent (depending on them for transportation).

The second issue is coming out--to family and others.

The third issue, is getting on with life and developing meaningful relationships with people.

You're going to need some help sorting all this out, and you need to develop an emotional support system to do it (even if it's a counselor). That's a critical part of this, and you need to find one. Even if you have to take a cab, hitch a ride with a friend, or just level with your parents that you need a counselor (even if under the guise of treating your panic disorder)--somehow, you need to do this.

Working with a counselor, you two can priroritize the other issues and that person can give you the confidence to handle the rest. And, guiding you, can give you insight into all the other dragons in your life as well.

Good luck, take care, and keep in touch with us.

 

[Pushover]

I had thought of seeing the therapist I first started seeing when I was diagnosed with the disorder. My mother would figure it would be part of the disorder; I guess I could try that.

On a deeper level, I am not 100% sure I even have a panic disorder, or if it's just me being afraid to commit. Sure, I have had panic attacks before, i'm not too fond of crowded places or people in general and i'm kind of misanthropic: my mother always calls me a hermit. Kind of the opposite of the stereotypical homosexual; introverted, cynical, and non-experienced. My personality makes me difficult to talk to and I have trouble talking to others. Just posting here is difficult.

I don't doubt i'm gay; i've been attracted to men since I was around 11. I've had crushes and physical attractions to other guys before, just i've never acted on them physically or verbaly.

 

[nik888]

i agree with the average guy u really should talk to your therapist theyll help u out just make sure u at least talk to someone in person. its hard for everyone to keep stuff to themselves good luck with everything

 

[ladygrey]

Hey kid,

I'll leave a longer message later, but for now:

Get a therapist, they really do help.

Believe it or not, try some self help books(Don't bash, the kid needs all the support he can get) like the Secert of the Shadow, by Debbie Ford or You Can Heal Your Life, by Lousia L. Hay or even...Stand Up for Your Life, by Cheryl Richardson.

I know that sounds hooky, but it really helped me when I was feeling exactly what you were feeling. Cause believe me, I was there 100%. Living in my parents basement, no friends, (well, I was out cause I'm gayer than Donna Reid), but still, I do understand

also, try and read people's blogs. You might find some people in similar situations. Also, read more threads here. It helps as well.

 

[Homoerectus]

Priority #1 is to get some counseling. Check with your local city, state or county health department and mental health department for free or reduced rate care. Get help now. Once you have your panic disorder managed, then face the other issues one at a time. Don't let all of these issues overwhelm. Take a deep breath, count to 20 and handle them head-on, one at a time. You will get better.

 

[GL]

Hey Pushover.

You say you're not 100% sure about your panic disorder and that may be true, but I would hope that you pay heed to Averageguy's recommendations. You have some tough issues to sort out, but the good thing is that with a good counselor you can beat all this.

You mentioned earlier that you don't have anyone to talk to about your issues, but you're here now and amongst other guys who have gone through many, if not all the issues you mentioned. I know we can't be there to speak with you one on one over coffee, but there is always someone here that will listen. I know that when I was dealing with my own issues about my sexuality and coming out, I found a great deal of support from many of the guys who frequent these boards and I am thankful for that. It made it so much easier for me.

 

[Pushover]

I sort of already made up my mind to talk to a therapist, but I think I needed somebody to say that it would be an advisable path to follow. If I have to i'll just tell my mother I want to talk to a counseler about my grandmother's death. More lies to cover up.

I guess you might as well say I need to set my priorities straight (not the best word to use, but w/e). I'm not used to talking openly like this, and it's hard for me to talk in person because I stutter, and I guess im not exactly the epitome of an attractive person or personality.

Wow, im still crying a bit, and it's been almost 4 hours. I'm usually so strong willed and distant, this is a bit of a shock.

 

[chobbs]

I hope that you get the help you need and get your head straightened out. I've been trying to get my mind together for years now, and have made a lot of progress. When you think about the road ahead, try to think optimistically, because right now, you are ABSOLUTELY headed the right way. Posting on here about your problems shows that you are sick of them, and want to do something about them. I have confidence that because you have done this, you are going to continue in this direction, and your life will become brighter and brighter.

Get ready to live, because you will learn to forget the fear that keeps you down.

(((((((((((((((((GOOD VIBES))))))))))))))))))))

 

[Pushover]

I just still have this sinking feeling that im going to tell myself I need to talk to somebody and somehow I just won't be able to commit and go through with it.

After watching that video another time it's kinda funny.

 

[RyanKilter]

Well first off I'm happy you've started posting. There are quite a few people who've joined the forums but took a while to find voice.

Anyway, I think here's something that'll help you through a great deal if you keep it in mind. A lot of us who are out and about went through the place you're at now, so don't feel alone.

Believe you me, very few people start at first place in life.

As for me, I'm a classic introvert who can somehow manage a 360 when the occasion calls, I had a bit of a panic attack, ~at work~ ahhh... which could have left me totally paralyzed as a person, but hey I worked things out ect. And at 20 I'm barely learning how to drive. Oh, and living with the mother as well.
I am getting on my feet but one thing at a time. See, not too far. Help yourself and accept support when it comes.
(this summer's my big move-out/car buying time ect.. wee)

Take it easy but keep it steady dude, keep posting!

 

[dunno260]

I am going to strongly agree with the counseling. If you have a diagnosis of panic disorder, or anything like that, you have a ready made excuse to hide behind as long as you want to. I don't think you have to make up any more lies about why you need to go to therapy.

As for the bigger picture. take it one step at a time. You can't possibly fix everything that you perceive as wrong at once. If you try to do so, you are going to overwhelm yourself and not make any progress. Triage your problems. Whats your most pressing concern and address that, then go to the next one and move at your own pace. Its nowhere near as simple to do as it sounds and I am working on it, but you know, its what comes to mind.

 

[luminum]

We're here, dude. Welcome to the board. Use us We'll try our best to help you sort things out.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Pushover......Welcome to the boards!!!! Its great to have you here!!!

Thank you for posting...thank you for finding the strength within you to start this journey. Thank you for trusting in us and sharing with us. Its not easy to bare your soul at times and this is a powerful step you've taken. You should be proud of that mate...its the start of a great new beginning for you.

Just for a sec I want you to reflect on a few things... I want you to forget you panic attacks, forget your anxiety, forget that you stutter or that you think you are difficult to talk to or get to know.

I want you to give yourself a break.

I want you to appreciate what you've done here in a few short posts on JUB. I want you to see what you've achieved...because you set out to.

You wanted reassurance...you got it.
You wanted advice...you got it.

But heres what you really did. You opened up. You revealed the real you...you spoke clearly and articulately...you talked about your fears, what you know about yourself and what you want to know about yourself. You let others...strangers into your life. You asked for help...and you got it. You pushed new boundaries and went further than I'm sure you ever planned. You let us see how much this hurts and how badly you want to make things right. You let us see you.

You achieved so much in such a short space of time. Stop and think about that. Focus on your progress...your achievements. Focus on the little bit of relief you felt from letting go...unburdening just a little...letting others share your load. Its something to feel good about Pushover...others have wasted a lifetime trying to achieve what you have here.

Give yourself credit for your wisdom, your courage...and your determination. Dont underestimate how strong you are and what you can achieve...but more importantly dont underestimate the you that we see. The you that your family and loved ones see.

I'm going to stray from the pack here a little. I agree that counseling is a good idea...I think anyone who can help you see just how amazing you are, how talented and capable you are is a good thing.

But while you learn to trust in yourself, while you learn just how incredible you are and how valuable you are...and you will come to realize that mate...I think you need reassurance...I think you need support. Support from someone who would give anything to see you happy. Who just wants to see the real true you...someone who values you more than you value yourself right now. Someone who will stand by you and help you start your journey.

You need to tell your Mum.

Its obvious from your posts that you love her deeply. And that she loves you. You suspect that she already knows.

Dont try to figure out how she'll react. And dont assume they she wont understand. Its the hardest thing to believe but parents general random comments about being gay mean nothing when it comes to their own flesh and blood. From what I see within your posts, your mother maybe be shocked but I doubt whether it will shake her love for you. I doubt that she will care at all if she thinks that this is the start of you being able to stand proud, say this is who I am...and most importantly...the start of you finding your freedom and happiness.

By telling her you will commit. Commit to the process. The process of discovering the inner you that know is there but you are afraid to let shine. The inner you that will stand tall in a crowd. The inner you that says...I'm OK. I'm unique...I'm special...and I'm worthy.

Let her help you. Let her drive you, force you, reassure you. Tell her that you want to see the counselor. Tell her you want to make things right and tell her you want happiness.

Your openness your trust and your honesty here mate give us the chance to not only get to know you and help you...it lets us see you...admire you...and respect you. Let the people close to you, who love you have the same chance.

You deserve to be surrounded by support and comfort. You deserve to be loved and accepted for the real valuable person that you are. You deserve to start this journey of self discovery and self acceptance with your head help high and all the support you need. You deserve success.

Just give yourself the chance.

 

[Pushover]

I get what you guys are trying to say, but I just feel like im forcing things to happen, and not letting it come naturally (if you can call it natural, idk).

 

[chobbs]

Look, talking to someone doesn't mean anything negative, rather it is something positive. Don't think that by getting counseling you are lowering yourself in any way. Everyone needs help sometimes, don't be afraid to ask for it.

 

[tallguy297]

Mate...I understand why you might feel like that..why you feel like you are forcing things...

But sometimes life is about challenging yourself. Making change. FORCING things.

The most successful people in life be it financially socially physically dont wait for things to happen. They make them happen. They force change. They use the system. They take advantage of opportunities.

I'm not suggesting you shoot for the stars...yet, though I really believe you are capable of it...but you need to start. You need to focus on being happy, wanting to have a life of freedom, release and life well lived. It just comes down to your will, your desire and determination to want to be happy.

Simply by posting you forced this discussion. You forced yourself to break free a little. You forced us to help you. You were forced to think outside your comfort zone... and look at whats happened. You are a step closer to getting what you wanted.

My fear is that you are falling into the trap that so many of us do. We let fear paralyze us. We let what we see as our failings rule our life. We succumb to what people tell us...that we are hermits, that we have no friends, that we wont ever change. We hide away and do nothing because its easier. Theres no risk. We cant get hurt if we do nothing. It cant get any worse can it?

Well yes mate it can. Before you know it years will have passed. Half a lifetime. And you'll be still waiting for something to happen for you.

Ask yourself...what have you got to lose. Answer...nothing. Theres nothing out of your control here. Your the one whos gonna do the talking. Your the one who will get comfortable with your therapist and make decisions on how to proceed. And your the one who walks out into the world, exposes himself to new people and expereinces with a sense of freedom that you yearn for.

And in the absolute worst case...you get so scared and frightened that you cant face it...you can retreat. You can end the time you spend together...until you are strong enough to try again.

But to do nothing is admiting defeat. And thats not you. Its not what you want. Its not what you need or deserve.

Force it. Force yourself. You are the only one who can make a difference in your life. Take the chance. Take the risk. The rewards are worth it.

 

[Riverrick]

Pushover, I think its time to force it. Believe me, things don't change unless you intervene in situations like this. You will go on like you have and a year from now you will regret not having taken this step.

I think it is your fear talking now. If you have panic disorder (and what sounds like social anxiety disorder), then you are going to have a very hard time making your first appointment with a therapist and keeping it.

So one step at a time. Talk to your mom about the appointment. Then come back here for support. Then make the appointment and come back again for support. And finally, the hardest part, go to it. Allow us to reassure you and congratulate you along the way.

Good Luck!

 

[Pushover]

I agree that I think i'm already forcing myself by coming on here and talking. I'm trying to force myself to make a commitment and keep it to ask to go to a counselor when my parents come back. At least I will when my dad is at work, since my mother works from the home. I don't think i'll be ready to talk to him for some time, we're not that close.

Gosh, a couple hours ago I was just watching TV and I just suddenly started crying. Then as I was reading this thread I started crying again. It's like a flood of emotions suddenly erupted last night and a dam burst when i've never felt any strong feelings in several years. My eyes are already red. That's a little embarassing to admit, but I don't know how to deal with this.

Thanks for the support.

 

[Riverrick]

Gosh, a couple hours ago I was just watching TV and I just suddenly started crying. Then as I was reading this thread I started crying again. It's like a flood of emotions suddenly erupted last night and a dam burst when i've never felt any strong feelings in several years. My eyes are already red. That's a little embarassing to admit, but I don't know how to deal with this.

Thanks for the support.

Just be with the feelings. Talk about them like you are with us. They are a good thing.