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So depressed need advice...
- Thread starter Mali27
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G-Lexington
Lex. Icon. Devil.
>>>I also read somewhere that you're classed as past it by most in the gay community if you are over 30 so that scares me too.
Well, yes and no.
There are gays who go out clubbing, party until the sun comes up, hook up a lot, what have you. And yeah, most of these guys are under thirty. This subset is what a lot of people think of when they think "gay community". And although they may be the most visible sect of homosexuals out there, they're by no means the only one. They're sort of like the group of people who go to (new) rock concerts - younger, louder, more apt to "party". And yes, you might find a 40-year-old when you're at Warped Tour, but your first thought would probably be "Is he looking for his kids?"
As we get older, the "gay nightlife" seems to appeal to less of us. If you're one who's fifty and loves to go out clubbing, I'd be the last to say no, but it seems most of us start moving past that.
Back to your main bit.
Keep reaching out. Meet people. Gay, straight, male, female. No, not everyone is going to be boyfriend material, but they may be friend material, and it sounds like you could use some good friends in addition to a boyfriend. Good looks are helpful, but they're never sufficient. I've known my share of hot-looking loners and butt-ugly social butterflies. It ain't what you got - it's what you do with what you got.
As far as your sexual encounter, well, it was as poorly as to be expected. You hooked up with a guy - someone you see on a regular basis - that you had no interest in sexually, and performed a rather perfunctory jackoff on each other. Does that make you not gay? Hell no. If a bad sexual experience made you switch teams, you'd see a HELL of a lot of switching going on. Straight guys aren't turned on by every woman, and gay guys aren't turned on by every guy. Next time, save it for a guy you actually WANT to do this with, and it's guaranteed to go better.
Lex
Well, yes and no.
There are gays who go out clubbing, party until the sun comes up, hook up a lot, what have you. And yeah, most of these guys are under thirty. This subset is what a lot of people think of when they think "gay community". And although they may be the most visible sect of homosexuals out there, they're by no means the only one. They're sort of like the group of people who go to (new) rock concerts - younger, louder, more apt to "party". And yes, you might find a 40-year-old when you're at Warped Tour, but your first thought would probably be "Is he looking for his kids?"
As we get older, the "gay nightlife" seems to appeal to less of us. If you're one who's fifty and loves to go out clubbing, I'd be the last to say no, but it seems most of us start moving past that. Back to your main bit.
Keep reaching out. Meet people. Gay, straight, male, female. No, not everyone is going to be boyfriend material, but they may be friend material, and it sounds like you could use some good friends in addition to a boyfriend. Good looks are helpful, but they're never sufficient. I've known my share of hot-looking loners and butt-ugly social butterflies. It ain't what you got - it's what you do with what you got.
As far as your sexual encounter, well, it was as poorly as to be expected. You hooked up with a guy - someone you see on a regular basis - that you had no interest in sexually, and performed a rather perfunctory jackoff on each other. Does that make you not gay? Hell no. If a bad sexual experience made you switch teams, you'd see a HELL of a lot of switching going on.
Straight guys aren't turned on by every woman, and gay guys aren't turned on by every guy. Next time, save it for a guy you actually WANT to do this with, and it's guaranteed to go better.Lex
*sigh*
Stop hating yourself, and loathing who you are. Carrying the burden of the world on your shoulders is already too much. Self-loathing only adds to that burden. You are afraid these people will see you now for who you are. A dick sucking, faggot. Well you are, we are, I am one too. Stop looking at being gay as a curse. It's a gift. Along with that gift comes very unique opportunities, and rewards. With it, also come challenges and difficulties.
Waiting to deal with "it", until you are older, thinner, less stress, more muscular, happier, whatever, is an excuse. There is no good time to come out. Do you really want to go thru the next 1/5/10 years feeling like you do right now? Keeping all of this bottled up only is making you sick, and damaging your mental health.
I didn't come out to my parents until late in life. They are very, very conservative fundamental Christians who are taught homosexuals are from Satan and are a plague. It hasn't been easy with them....but it didn't go nearly as badly as I feared. I realized I was being just as small minded by assuming they could never change their ways, and would hate me instead of love me.
Life is too short. Don't squander it another day or week holding onto all this anger, loathing, and fear. I'm not saying life will be easier right away.....but you will look back one day soon and wonder why the hell you waited so long to come out.
Stop being so damn hard on yourself.
Mali27
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Hey, it turns out I've been diagnosed with depression. I've been prescibed pills and am going to get councelling,which is a bit scary. The good news is that the doctor gave me a retroactive sick note which may help with another problem I had. I'm going to continue to work though,because I dealt with depressed people in a previous job and staying at home makes it worse.
G-Lexington
Lex. Icon. Devil.
>>>Hey, it turns out I've been diagnosed with depression. I've been prescibed pills and am going to get councelling,which is a bit scary. The good news is that the doctor gave me a retroactive sick note which may help with another problem I had. I'm going to continue to work though,because I dealt with depressed people in a previous job and staying at home makes it worse.
Weird as it may be to say, I'm happy you got diagnosed. Don't sweat the counseling too much. Just go in knowing that this is a good way to get past the things that are bothering you, so resolve to be 100% open and honest with your counselor, as that's the best way to get the help you need. As one who has been there, I know how much this sucks, but know you can get to the other side. Just dig in and do it.
Lex
Weird as it may be to say, I'm happy you got diagnosed. Don't sweat the counseling too much. Just go in knowing that this is a good way to get past the things that are bothering you, so resolve to be 100% open and honest with your counselor, as that's the best way to get the help you need. As one who has been there, I know how much this sucks, but know you can get to the other side. Just dig in and do it.
Lex
Mali27
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Thanks guys. My emotions are so messed up about the whole thing, to be honest. I am sort of glad I have answers to why everythings seemed so overwhelming this year, but there are so many problems in my life right now..My plan is to just keep hanging with my friends, 'cause I've noticed I can feel worse alone. I think some people will find it hard to believe cause I mostly act like a happy guy.
well, personally I dont believe in taking pills for depression, however I am very happy that you are getting help. (I guess thats contradictory). Anyways, good luck man, I was diagnosed with depression too, so I told everyone I was gay and that worked, haha They were like take these pills, and I was like, "no,no Im just hiding the fact that im gay, so now ill just come out and see if it works." It did, lol Hope all goes well for you
G-Lexington
Lex. Icon. Devil.
Some problems can be solved without medication, others are made a lot easier to solve with. I managed to stumble through without, but I'd be the last to say "no" to someone where it was recommended.
I know about the "not being alone" bit. Do bring them aboard. You don't have to go into full detail about what you're going through. Just say, "I'm going through a real tough time right now, and there'll be times I just need somebody to chat with. Is it OK if I call you when that happens?" Most, if not all, of your friends should be down with that. In fact, just the mere fact that I knew they were AVAILABLE if I needed them helped a lot.
Try not to worry too much about "solving your problems". Because then, on top of the problems, you've got the anxiety of "not doing enough to solve your problems"...yet another problem. Just have faith that they'll get resolved in due course, and focus most of your energy on getting to a better spot. Once there, you'll find it a lot easier to handle your other issues.
Lex
I know about the "not being alone" bit. Do bring them aboard. You don't have to go into full detail about what you're going through. Just say, "I'm going through a real tough time right now, and there'll be times I just need somebody to chat with. Is it OK if I call you when that happens?" Most, if not all, of your friends should be down with that. In fact, just the mere fact that I knew they were AVAILABLE if I needed them helped a lot.
Try not to worry too much about "solving your problems". Because then, on top of the problems, you've got the anxiety of "not doing enough to solve your problems"...yet another problem.
Just have faith that they'll get resolved in due course, and focus most of your energy on getting to a better spot. Once there, you'll find it a lot easier to handle your other issues.Lex
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Hi Mali,
I'm so happy for you that you took the first steps towards healing yourself.
I wanted to add something to all the wonderful advise that everyone here has given you. Being gay is not just about who you sleep with. I noticed that the center of most of your concerns have been with the sexual encounters you've had. My coming out was really difficult because most of my friends were straight, I had never a romance or sexual encounter during the time I was really troubled about it, and I pretty much had to figure everything out before I could go off and find someone to either have sex with or date. So my advice is to take care of your life before worrying about your sex. Masturbate and fantasize freely about what you really like without feeling guilty about it. Made the decision that what you like isn't shameful or wrong. On the outside, start finding ways to make friends with other gay people. Most big cities have a gay and lesbian community center. Do a web search and you may find a club or group to join that will get you involved.
I spent many years alone trying to figure my sexuality out, and when I moved to Los Angeles I got involved in a community of people I found that I really liked and that's how I made friends. A little volunteer work will give you something to talk about with others who have the same interest as you, you'll feel good about giving back to your community, and you never know, you might meet that special someone. Remember, being gay isn't about guilty sex in back alleys or shameful encounters, it's about being a happy out and proud person. Gay people have friends, they date, they can have families, they go to the movies. Your life as a gay person does not have to be that different from your current life, except that be being out you'll make friends who like you for you, not who they think you are. And you'll be a lot happier. Believe me. Look at all the happy gay people here on this board who are trying to help you. We're here because we know what you are going through. A lot of us have been through the same things. We want you to be happy.
I'm so happy for you that you took the first steps towards healing yourself.
I wanted to add something to all the wonderful advise that everyone here has given you. Being gay is not just about who you sleep with. I noticed that the center of most of your concerns have been with the sexual encounters you've had. My coming out was really difficult because most of my friends were straight, I had never a romance or sexual encounter during the time I was really troubled about it, and I pretty much had to figure everything out before I could go off and find someone to either have sex with or date. So my advice is to take care of your life before worrying about your sex. Masturbate and fantasize freely about what you really like without feeling guilty about it. Made the decision that what you like isn't shameful or wrong. On the outside, start finding ways to make friends with other gay people. Most big cities have a gay and lesbian community center. Do a web search and you may find a club or group to join that will get you involved.
I spent many years alone trying to figure my sexuality out, and when I moved to Los Angeles I got involved in a community of people I found that I really liked and that's how I made friends. A little volunteer work will give you something to talk about with others who have the same interest as you, you'll feel good about giving back to your community, and you never know, you might meet that special someone. Remember, being gay isn't about guilty sex in back alleys or shameful encounters, it's about being a happy out and proud person. Gay people have friends, they date, they can have families, they go to the movies. Your life as a gay person does not have to be that different from your current life, except that be being out you'll make friends who like you for you, not who they think you are. And you'll be a lot happier. Believe me. Look at all the happy gay people here on this board who are trying to help you. We're here because we know what you are going through. A lot of us have been through the same things. We want you to be happy.
I would encourage you to take advantage of this website and the opportunity it offers to talk to others who have gone through what you are going through.
You don't have to be in your 20's to be depressed and thinking of suicide. Hell, I was in my 40's (May 2005 to be exact) and was praying to have a heart attack or was thinking about suicide because I could not "change" from gay to straight. I had struggled for longer than you have been alive and it just didn't go away! I knew when I was 12 that I was gay but then worked for years to suppress it.
Yes, there were positive times such as the birth of my kids; but I was frustrated sexually, I wanted to be with another guy, and I found it was difficult if not impossible to have sex with a woman.
I came to this site where I started talking to guys who helped me in deciding to come out. I was fraught with fear; fear that the area in which I lived was anything but friendly to gay; fears that my kids would hate me; fear that I would not find a guy.
I didn't have to wait long on finding guys..ha..ha..! And yes, I've seen some really ugly penis' that made me want to go, 'eeww.' But I've also found some hot ones that make me want to...well...just eat them up! Ha..ha..!
You are maturing. You will have to find what excites you; what kind of guys you like; what kind of things are sensual. It is a lifelong learning process...hell I'm still finding guys who touch spots on me with tongues and things that make me go, "WOW!"
Unfortunately I put it off so long instead of growing and accepting myself. I'm not saying to wrap yourself in a rainbow flag and run down the street; take your time, learn about yourself, don't be impatient, and learn to love and laugh at life. It sounds like you have a sense of humor and love to make others laugh ... do the same for you!
I can say that I've never been happier since coming out (kind of like Luka except it took me 24 more years to do it!). My kids and family accept me; I've got great friends; and I've met a lot of great guys here!
You don't have to be in your 20's to be depressed and thinking of suicide. Hell, I was in my 40's (May 2005 to be exact) and was praying to have a heart attack or was thinking about suicide because I could not "change" from gay to straight. I had struggled for longer than you have been alive and it just didn't go away! I knew when I was 12 that I was gay but then worked for years to suppress it.
Yes, there were positive times such as the birth of my kids; but I was frustrated sexually, I wanted to be with another guy, and I found it was difficult if not impossible to have sex with a woman.
I came to this site where I started talking to guys who helped me in deciding to come out. I was fraught with fear; fear that the area in which I lived was anything but friendly to gay; fears that my kids would hate me; fear that I would not find a guy.
I didn't have to wait long on finding guys..ha..ha..! And yes, I've seen some really ugly penis' that made me want to go, 'eeww.' But I've also found some hot ones that make me want to...well...just eat them up! Ha..ha..!
You are maturing. You will have to find what excites you; what kind of guys you like; what kind of things are sensual. It is a lifelong learning process...hell I'm still finding guys who touch spots on me with tongues and things that make me go, "WOW!"
Unfortunately I put it off so long instead of growing and accepting myself. I'm not saying to wrap yourself in a rainbow flag and run down the street; take your time, learn about yourself, don't be impatient, and learn to love and laugh at life. It sounds like you have a sense of humor and love to make others laugh ... do the same for you!
I can say that I've never been happier since coming out (kind of like Luka except it took me 24 more years to do it!). My kids and family accept me; I've got great friends; and I've met a lot of great guys here!
Mali27
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Hehe. The pills the doctor put me on along with making me nausaeus make it really difficult to cum when I jack off. Its quite exhausting! Lol. I hope its nothing serious though. It can take up to 45minutes or an hour right now.I Googled it and it is one of the side effects. I guess it could be a lot worse.
You'll just have to find some helping hands! Ha..ha..!
Mali27
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Ok,so I don't want to offend anyone here,but I just have an overwhelming feeling right now that I don't want to be gay. It seems so unfair,but I guess you can't pick who attracts you. It just might wreck my life if/when I decide to come out. It clashes with almost every other area of my life,so its making it all suck right now. I feel like 2 different people. Sorry to moan. I just have to offload.
drhladnjak
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Hey, it's hard. Despite what a lot of people think, coming out isn't something that happens over night. It's something that usually takes time for you to get comfortable with. Then you have to get the courage to tell others, who may take time to get used to it. Then there will always be new people you meet who you'll want to tell. It's an ongoing process, but believe me when I say it's worth it. It gets easier in time, I promise.
As hard as it is, it's definitely worse to not come out. It gets very exhausting covering up your sexuality all the time, living your life in fear of what others might think, not really being able to date, etc.
As for the pills having sexual side effects, you should really talk to your doctor about it next time you're there. They're known side effects, but if you find them intolerable they can try other medications.
Mali27
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Thanks guys. I find your replies really comforting for some reason. I wish I had gay friends like you here-it would make things easier. The 2 gay guys I am friends with cannot be trusted. 1 I already mentioned. The other is younger and a bit emo,but is the kind of guy who borrows money then has nothing to do with me. I told him I need a friend and don't care about money,but he ignores me.
pocono
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Oh...just two different people that's not too bad.
You are dealing with a lot all at the same time. No one wants to be gay, or straight for that matter. Remember, we are who we are and no one is perfect. Like you, being gay "clashes" with a lot of my life. Somehow, with time, everything works out. I guess my (way too simple) advice is to chill.
BTW... your moaning is good (for me if not for you). We all have had or will have a lot of the same issues and concerns. This thread, like many others, gets me thinking about issues in my own life.
So thanks and be good to yourself...chill.
Mali,
Just know that no one sets out to be gay, straight, a-sexual or whatever. It is something that you have to discover about yourself. If I had advice to give, it is to be honest with who you are and to what you are attracted.
I also know it can be frustrating, having tried to "change" from gay to straight. It was much easier living in the straight world, in so far as acceptance. However, it brought me to the edge because of frustration that I would never be satisfied. It was like taking a young child to a candy store, setting them in front of the candy counter but telling them they can't touch or eat anything. Cravings and desires will not go away the longer you sit in front of the candy; if anything, you'll get hungrier and want it even more!
There is no time clock ticking on discovering all of this and coming to terms. I know guys that came out when they were 14 or younger and it was like, "oh, so when are we leaving for school?" as a reaction from their parents and others. Then there are those who lose friends or are alienated from family because of the decision to live a life of freedom and not hide.
For me, it has been almost 3 years this June and yet I am still coming out. I have never denied I was gay; I just don't talk about my sexuality with most people and really, it is none of their business. I never told them I was fucking a woman; why should I tell them about having sex with a man? It is still a journey on which I am walking with the assistance of many friends in DC and people here. It was very hard coming out for me because I had no friends that were gay back in Michigan and it wasn't until I moved here that I began to make some. Now, I have many and I am thankful; but when I moved here I not only had no gay friends yet, I also left all the straight ones that I had made over a lifetime back in Michigan.
Discover yourself, get comfortable with yourself and then begin reaching out. As to the friend who always borrows money...his name isn't Allen is it? Ha..ha..! I have one friend like him here in DC!
Just know that on your journey, so long as you stay connected with people, even on-line people you don't know...you'll never walk alone!
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Hey Mali this is the first time I've seen this thread (I haven't been in this forum for a while).
So many of the guys above have given you great advice, and congratulations to you for being able to use it, and using it! I so often wish the "coming out process" was easier on folks than it often seems to be -- it can be so overwhelming. The counseling and meds can be very helpful. If you "click" with your counselor, and learn to use what that relationship has to offer, you can really help yourself out. Thoughts of killing oneself are usually a pretty good sign that someone is feeling overwhelmed and should seek some help, as many thoughtful and knowledgeable jubbers have pointed out previously.
My experience with SSRI's and etc. and retarded ejaculation has been, that after you sort of get "stabilized" on a dosage, that problem kind of goes away -- but different people have different reactions to these drugs. If, after a couple of days, the side effects are still that uncomfortable, don't be scared to talk with the prescribing MD about maybe adjusting dosages or trying something a little different.
Keep us posted!
Mali27
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You are so right.There's been some awesome advice and I am taking the advice I feel applies best to me. Its weird,cause as I am"coming out"to people about depression it seems like a trial run for the big one! I hope the slow orgasm and cumming goes away soon though,cause I'm getting so horny and hard-ons all the time and can't quench it!
^ I think you need a good blowjob! Ha..ha..!
Actually, that has to be a pain (no pun intended) to try to rub one out and only be able to rub...hope the problem lessons for you!
Actually, that has to be a pain (no pun intended) to try to rub one out and only be able to rub...hope the problem lessons for you!
