I guess I never really introduced myself fully in my initiating post above, so I'd like to.
I'm 62, and living in famous Niagara Falls Canada. I've only in the last 5 years come out to myself as fully gay, with no interest in ever having sex with a woman again, let alone romance, having really struggled with my bisexuality all my life. But I think it was turning 60 that allowed me to be even *more* true--open to love and romance with another man, something I only dreamed of with a woman my lifelong. I think there's something about hitting 60 that turns a switch in so many guys, a switch of a determination not to waste the remaining years.
So for the first time I actually developed romantic crushes on a couple of guys, though unrequited. That is huge for me. A big part of me wants that, though I'm also scared that it will turn out like the two long-term relationships I had with women, both only three years long, both very much like a rollercoaster of hell, with both breaking up with me multiple times and breaking my heart.
In fact, the third breakup with #1 at 30 is what allowed my gay desires and fantasies to explode out of my unconscious mind. I was consumed by gay porn and going to all the gay sex venues, like bathhouses, to have oral and anal sex with other guys, only to always let myself down by losing all my desire for the naked guys in front of me, but still having oral sex with them out of kindness. But back at home all the gay desires came flooding back. Countless trips to these venues and hundreds of guys over a period of 21 years, but always with the same results, was really demoralizing. What the hell was going on?!
But I also continued to try dating women, but always failing. For example, I would succeed in speed dating get-togethers, only to fail in the first or second date, never getting even a kiss goodnight, let alone any oral or vaginal sex with a woman. I dated over 30 women with the same results. All these failures just drove me back to the gay porn and bathhouses etc.
But at 51 I finally lost my gay virginity (as a top) in a bathhouse in Berlin, with a cute 20 year old twink, that was the greatest sexual experience of my life and changed everything for me. I don't know whether it was his perfect youthful body or being thousands of miles away from home, but finally I allowed all of my anal desires to come the surface, in a fierce explosion actually, with a real naked man in front of me. That sexual union was unbelievably powerful for me, allowing me to not only accept the gay side of myself, but love it. I stopped all anonymous sex after that and started getting together with local guys in each other's homes, never losing my sexual desire with them.
Then my relationship with girlfriend #2 spontaneously happened, without any dating, though with me still thinking I was a failure for never having gotten married to a woman and having children like society says I'm suppose to. But it was even a worse rollercoaster, with her breaking up with me many times, driving me back to tons of gay porn in our breaks. But when I eventually became unable to have an orgasm while having sex with her without imagining it was another guy that I was fucking, I realized that I was gay. When I finally ended that relationship, thank God, I was not only overly excited to go wild with sex with men, but had no desire to ever have sex, let alone romance, with another woman.
That was five years ago and it sticks to this day. I'm a gay man! But the sex hasn't been much, with first Covid and then being unhappy with my weight gain and being self-conscious about it (I know, I'm so stupid: get over yourself!). I am hanging out with a large group of gay men, joining them on weekly social meetups at pubs, and even developing crushes on a couple of them in the last couple of years. But unfortunately most of them are married, to each other, with few single guys. But it has opened me up to even love and romance with a guy. But I would be happy enough to just have a FWB and lots of steady sex. I have so much time to make up for, and really want to live my homosexuality.
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