So here's a story about my Parents, and how they're being, since I came out to them..

[just_mills]

So..
Here's a true story about my Parents..

When I got back from Canada (30th May), I told them I was gay.
And that Flash (the guy I went there for) is 59. And is the bf.
So, it seemed at first they finally got used to it - It being 15 days now since they've known.

So, for the past couple of days, I have noticed my Mum listening in on me talking with Flash on Cam/Mic - She didn't think I noticed, but today I told her, I HAD.
Then some other shit broke loose..
And I find that they have told some of the Family, which I only found out about because my Uncle came over and told me this went on..
THEN I find out from my parents, they've been to the Doctors to consult abuot *this* - And the doctor thinks its immorally wrong for a 19 year old to be in love with a 59 year old; And all this is evil/wrong etc.. (You know the score of who -these- people think) ..

I tell them Ive been unhappy living here for fucking years, and never felt I could get along with them; And also told them this..
But of course it's just because im "wrapped up in love, and don't know what im talking about, because I am being warped by a 59 year old."
YEP - That's what my parents said to me..
Then because they know im unhappy (but obviously remember, cos im being warped), my Dad said: "Well why don't you get him to give you some extra money now, so you can go and be happy, and leave home."

That was also super lovely to hear. Oh.. can you tell I'm being sarcastic?

THEN my Mums brother is an Uncle, and he's a Policeman, so they go to ask him, just because he's in the law.. This is a fucking JOKE.

I can't type any more, because I am so fucking angry right now..
But I just wanted to share these on JUB, and hear what some of you JUBbers think..
Any words/thoughts would be highly appricated.

OH! It's lovely to feel like shit, and cry a lot on this day..
God I'm fucking crying again just writting this.
I am so upset, right now. GOD.

Oh! And obviously all youse guys opinions will be wrong, cos you're gays, innit.. Oh what a lovely life I'm in right now.

 

[davy]

Re: So here's a story about my Parents, and how they're being, since I came out to th

fuck, that sucks.

i wish i could give you some advice, but i still haven't come out to my own parents yet. atleast be proud that you did.

maybe your new bf and sit you up with a place for a little while until your parents can get used to the whole idea?

 

[gayjay22]

Re: So here's a story about my Parents, and how they're being, since I came out to th

it doesnt really sound like they have a problem with u being gay so much, but have a problem with u dating someone 40 years older then urself. but what parent wouldnt be concerned if theyre son was dating someone 40 years older in another country and went to visit him secretly

 

[just_mills]

Re: So here's a story about my Parents, and how they're being, since I came out to th

it doesnt really sound like they have a problem with u being gay so much, but have a problem with u dating someone 40 years older then urself. but what parent wouldnt be concerned if theyre son was dating someone 40 years older in another country and went to visit him secretly

Oh, I am well aware of that..
It's just the constant "having a go at me", and going behind my back - Also, they had done this before I told them I was gay; But they see it wrong that I was doing that by not telling them, but their actions were perfectly fine.
I've been unhappy, long before these last few weeks "happened".

I'm trying to be 100% open-minded, but when I feel like I'm being attacked all the time, it becomes very hard, and makes me wish I had never told them in the first place.

"So that's us out the picture for having Grandkids, then.."


What hurts the most, is they think I'm being warped/shaped into this whole relationship etc..
Also, another of my Mums brothers is gay, and came out last year, and all of the Family, laugh about it, and mock him behind his back.. Just thought that should be included, also. - To show I'm not just being a "silly over-reacting teenager".

 

[StlKj]

Re: So here's a story about my Parents, and how they're being, since I came out to th

Mills, I wish I could give you a big hug right now.

First, coming out to your parents took a lot of bravery, as did telling them about your relationship. You put a lot on the line when you did that, and in the midst of your pain right now, I hope you're getting to experience at least some of the relief of having done so.

Now comes the hard part, and I don't want you to think for a moment that I'm judging you, Flash or your relationship together. Right now you're very understandably upset at your folks for the way they are handling this. But if you can at all, you have to try to understand at least a little where they might be coming from if you want any kind of healing in your relationship with them to begin.

They just found out their son is gay. A difficult thing for many parents to go through, but given time they might come around once they've adjusted to the idea.

They also just found out their 19 year old son is in love with a 59 year old man. I would almost guarantee that any parent would worry about and flip out about that kind of age difference, whether their child is hetero or homo. It's not the norm, and a lot of parents would immediately worry for their child and whether or not he is being courted by some kind of predator online.

They also found out that the new love of their son's life is in Canada, a world away to them. A trip you took where they thought they knew what was going on has probably now started to look to them like a sneaky way for you to meet someone who might not have your best interests involved.

It took them two weeks to begin digesting this information, and in that time, they realized their stomachs really don't sit well with it. They're probably now worried, confused, scared, angry, hurt--as many emotions that you are going through right now, double or even triple that for them. You hit them with a ton of bricks, and now they're experiencing the fall out of that. And it's GOOD that you did tell them, because YOU needed to be able to.

Now, why did I point all of this out? Because you need to consider all of these things if you truly want to have a chance of showing your parents this is a mature, loving relationship between two men, and not just their young impressionable son being manipulated by afar. You had to know entering into this your parents, hell, society in general, is going to look at your relationship with Flash and not approve. And that's okay, IF you can handle that pressure. But now you have to be able to suck up your pain at not getting the response you needed from them, and realize that you're getting the only response right now that they're capable of giving.

Do what you can to help them grow more comfortable with this. Fighting them is only going to make them dig in harder, believing that you have been brainwashed against them. If you're going to be in an adult relationship, you have to prove to them you can indeed be an adult about it. Their reaction, while not even close to ideal, is completely realistic and even understandable. If you can help them see that you understand their fears and concerns, you might be able to maintain a bridge for them to eventually understand you.

I wish you weren't going through this pain right now, but remember there are a bunch of us out here who care.

 

[G-Lexington]

Re: So here's a story about my Parents, and how they're being, since I came out to th

It's gonna be REALLY tough. But try not to be too harsh on your parents right now. Yes, you're going through a lot right now. But so are they. They just learned that their son is gay. Not may be - is. And is dating a guy. Not a guy twice his age. A guyTHREE TIMES his age. Possibly/probably older than both of them. Oh, and add in that you're extremely unhappy living with them. That's a LOT to digest in about two weeks.

Your parents haven't met your boyfriend. Until they do, they're going to assume the worst, whatever that "worst" is. They might assume he's a huge bulking biker guy who preys on teenagers, or an effeminite hairdresser who's looking for a PYT, or whatever. They need to know who your boyfriend is - the guy who loves you for you. So include them in on a conversation. If at all possible, have your parents meet this man. That will definitely calm their fears quite a bit. They won't immediately assume everything is wonderful, but it'll go a long way to helping.

Do what you can to make this situation better. Best of luck.

Lex

 

[just_mills]

Re: So here's a story about my Parents, and how they're being, since I came out to th

Oh, and now I'm a waste of space, because I've taken a gap year, and not done anything (being paid-wise) with it, and obviously not learnt anything from what I've done.
So I'm just failing myself.


OH this day just gets BETTER.

 

[G-Lexington]

Re: So here's a story about my Parents, and how they're being, since I came out to th

OK, this apparently isn't the time to do anything. Both you and your parents are too emotional. Go out for a long walk (DON'T DRIVE) and get yourself centered again. This isn't a good time to be discussing much of anything.

Lex

 

[just_mills]

Re: So here's a story about my Parents, and how they're being, since I came out to th

I knew what would happen, by telling them, and I also told them that.
But no matter what, it feels they are blaming me, and all I am doing is wrong.
I know I was dropping a shit-load of info on them at once. 100% aware of that situation.
Makes me really wish I didn't tell them anything.. It's just hurting me a lot right now.
I feel really stupid for making this thread, also.

I'm trying SO DAMN HARD to remain calm, and mature.. but soon I just feel I wont be able to.
I just dont know what to do any more.

 

[just_mills]

Re: So here's a story about my Parents, and how they're being, since I came out to th

By the way guys, thanks for your words.
I have read them thoroughly, and understand everything that you are all saying.

 

[StlKj]

Re: So here's a story about my Parents, and how they're being, since I came out to th

I knew what would happen, by telling them, and I also told them that.
But no matter what, it feels they are blaming me, and all I am doing is wrong.
I know I was dropping a shit-load of info on them at once. 100% aware of that situation.
Makes me really feel like I didnt tell them anything.. It's just hurting me a lot right now.
I feel really stupid for making this thread, also.

You're not stupid for making this thread at all, Mills. If nothing else, if they keep treating you like you're broken, then keep coming here to let us tell you that you're damned well not.

And if you expected this reaction from them and you still stood up and had the balls to tell them, then congrats for you. Don't let them take your courage and right to be proud away from you.

 

[treanir]

Re: So here's a story about my Parents, and how they're being, since I came out to th

Maybe, just maybe, your parents are scared into saying most of those things. By the irrational fears they have about gay men in general and especially gay generations with an age gap. It's two rather large bombs you've dropped on them in a short time and I have a feeling they're not thinking clearly. Suddenly, every little thing that irritated them or that they thought about in the past is coming up.

Things will settle. There might be some minor and major explosions in the near future, but I do believe that your parents will come to terms with both your homosexuality and your relationship. I won't lie to you: there is a small chance they won't. But it's a small one. And whatever the case: you need to know that 1. coming out to them was the right thing, even though it doesn't seem like it now and 2. that you are free to enter into a consensual relationship with whomever you choose (over 18's, obviously). And while it is a weird idea for your parents, it is a fact and they will have to get used to it. Keep those two things in mind, whatever happens in the following days/weeks. And know that we're here for you. You don't have to feel stupid for making threads. It's what that button is for.

You know where my PM button is if you want to talk.

 

[sixthson]

Re: So here's a story about my Parents, and how they're being, since I came out to th

Let me respond to this as both a gay man and a father.
If our son came to us and told us he was in love with a married woman (he's hetero) 40 years his senior, I would be damned concerned about it. In fact, I'd have investigators up her ass so fast she wouldn't know what hit her. This is not a legal matter but it is definitely a moral one. The fact that she lives in another country would not ease my concern. Your parents not only find out you're gay, but they find out that the person you love is their age or older and married.
I'm glad you're keeping an open mind about this because you are going to need it.
Once you come out to your parents, you have to be willing to face the consequences and that could mean you find yourself needing to live independently of them. Can you do this? Or do you plan to switch your dependence from your parents to your lover? Have your parents made mistakes in handling this? Have you?
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. This is the perspective of a father who would be protective and concerned about a child, even if the child is 19.
You may have to grow up faster than you planned and be responsible for your adult decisions and actions.
Good luck.

 

[Marbas]

Re: So here's a story about my Parents, and how they're being, since I came out to th

Oh, Millzy, I really don't know what to say.

There is some very good advice in posts above; it is likely that your parents are in shock and it will take some time for them to understand how you feel about Flash.

 

[martin6]

Re: So here's a story about my Parents, and how they're being, since I came out to th

Mills, you sure do have the cojones, let me tell you! That's a really ballsy thing to do, tell your parents about everything. I think you just need a break now. Go away for a few hours and just don't even think about your parents or anything. If that's possible.

 

[just_mills]

Re: So here's a story about my Parents, and how they're being, since I came out to th

Let me respond to this as both a gay man and a father.
If our son came to us and told us he was in love with a married woman (he's hetero) 40 years his senior, I would be damned concerned about it. In fact, I'd have investigators up her ass so fast she wouldn't know what hit her. This is not a legal matter but it is definitely a moral one. The fact that she lives in another country would not ease my concern. Your parents not only find out you're gay, but they find out that the person you love is their age or older and married.
I'm glad you're keeping an open mind about this because you are going to need it.
Once you come out to your parents, you have to be willing to face the consequences and that could mean you find yourself needing to live independently of them. Can you do this? Or do you plan to switch your dependence from your parents to your lover? Have your parents made mistakes in handling this? Have you?
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. This is the perspective of a father who would be protective and concerned about a child, even if the child is 19.
You may have to grow up faster than you planned and be responsible for your adult decisions and actions.
Good luck.

I've been "Independent" for years, mate.
Always making choices/decissions for myself etc.. Always wanted to, and plan to be that way.. Makes things a lot easier when in the big wide world.
I appriciate your feelings as to how you would react, also.
I am well-aware of this way of acting, and do not blame them for it; Like you said it is natural.. Thank you for playing across your view-points.

It's just certain things they have done, and said behind my back, and being told that "it's not right" constantly, is what kills me.
I am trying so hard not to come-across as a immature young person, who is blowing thing out of proportion, but as every second passes by, I cant help but think that's what I'm doing .

I had to tell them it all, when I did, as I felt, there would never be a right time, so why not do it, then and there.
What also bugs me, is that My Mum said she knew before I told her anyways; Which just makes me think: Why do you act so shocked now.. If you already knew..

 

[gmoney]

Re: So here's a story about my Parents, and how they're being, since I came out to th

Mills, I really don't know what to add to what's already been said. I hope all of this works out for you . Try not to be confrontational with the parents right now if you can. All of you are extremely fragile emotionally. And remember, they wouldn't be reacting this way if they didn't love you.

 

[just_mills]

Re: So here's a story about my Parents, and how they're being, since I came out to th

And now I feel like the Badguy!
Argh, I need to get away for a few hours, or something.

 

[sixthson]

Re: So here's a story about my Parents, and how they're being, since I came out to th

I've been with my partner over half my life. My family still goes behind my back and says it is not right. They also tell us we are going to hell on a regular basis. I made the choice to live openly in our world and I live with my decisions.
This is part of what I meant by consequences for the actions you have taken. You've been honest with them and they are not taking it well. They laugh about your gay uncle behind his back, why wouldn't they take what you have told them negatively, also?


BTW, I don't think you can really call yourself 'independent' until you pay your own way in the world without help from others.

 

[herenthere]

Re: So here's a story about my Parents, and how they're being, since I came out to th

First of all, I send you a big hug!!!!

I know how hard it is to work up courage, and be mature enough to be honest with yourself and allow yourself to share your lifestyle with your parents.. It is the most freeing thing you will ever do...Be honest with yourself and your loved ones.

Please remember, that your parents had a huge issue dumped on them and they do not know how to process it...their scared, confused, worried, and even "afraid"
of what the neighbors will think...

Babe remeber is NOT you, they are distressed about...it's an end to the life that they had planned for you...(and it's not a perents job to live thru their childres)
Wanting to be honest with them is a most admirable thing to do...shows you have good character.

Give it some time...allow them to process it..and in time they will begin to realize that they still have their awesome loving son...

Take the high road..be mature and allow them some time

Stay strong my friend...
Shaun