So he's going to try it again with his ex...

[thermodynamics]

What a rotten end to a bad day (I won't go into why it was bad before this).

I've been "seeing" a guy who is also part of a student group I'm in. We're friends, and enjoy each other. But ever since February, we've both noticed that we had some strong feelings for each other. I haven't dated anyone, he has, even though he's two years younger than I am.

I told him in an email (This is what happens when you put two techie introverts together) that I really liked him (May). Several weeks later (June, not his fault), he thanked me for saying something, and that he meant to ask me out during the semester, but that he was way too busy with his 21 credits.

Things have been tense recently with the student project, and he's been doing a lot of work on it, consuming most of his time. But things have now let up. I emailed and asked him if he wanted to go out sometime.

Well I just got the reply. It seems he's going to try it again with his ex.

The worst thing about this is that it seemed so perfect. I haven't been out long, and he sort of just fell out of the sky. He and I joined the same student group at the same time, before I even came out to myself. And then I realize that I'm gay, and realize that he is too. I really don't know many gay students, since engineering school (Mech Eng) keeps me buuussssssssssyyyyyyy. ANd that isn't going to change soon with graduate work. It just seemed so perfect that I found him right under my nose. Now I need to start the search all over again. I know I need to meet more gay people, but it's just incredibly difficult in engineering school--I don't have a lot of time, and there aren't many gay guys around either.

We're good friends, and have been for 6+ months now. I don't have much tolerance for games. Just from our friendship, I knew that we had great chemistry. I was looking forward to perhaps take it further. But I guess not.

 

[G-Lexington]

I didn't think engineering students dated. I didn't think they slept either. Or ate anything but Hot Pockets.

Sorry to hear about your missed connection, sir. I enjoy your JUB posts, and hope you'll let me live once you and your addle-brained companion take over the world. NARF!

Lex

 

[ilikefastcars]

Dam, I hate when that happens. If its any assurance, I think most people get back together after breaking up because they miss the security and each other's company. After they indulge in it, they will rediscover why they broke up and will...break up again. This is why I always tell my friends that you can never go back to the way it was after they tell me they miss their ex.

 

[gambit2212]

Well I guess the lesson du jour is that when you find something or someone you like, don't wait. Act on it.

 

[luminum]

Awww, I'm sorry things ended up that way. Just pick yourself up and keep going. Don't end the friendship, though. *hug

 

[evil_danger]

They broke up for a reason, I know for myself that after a short while people often forget what the reason was and are blinded by loss making it easy to get back together, although the underlined problems are still there, if hes worth it give him time to see this, and then be there for him as a friend when they eventually split up... again.

But try to make it clear that if things do happen you dont want to be the rebound shag.

 

[thermodynamics]

Thanks for the support guys.

Well I guess the lesson du jour is that when you find something or someone you like, don't wait. Act on it.

It sounds as if he was planning to get back together with his ex this fall anyway, but that it's now happening sooner than he'd expected. But yes, had I acted sooner, he probably would stick with me. Lesson learned the hard way.

They broke up for a reason, I know for myself that after a short while people often forget what the reason was and are blinded by loss making it easy to get back together, although the underlined problems are still there, if hes worth it give him time to see this, and then be there for him as a friend when they eventually split up... again. But try to make it clear that if things do happen you dont want to be the rebound shag.

That's what I'm afraid of. Just knowing me, I won't have great luck finding someone else (though who knows), and by the time he and his ex break up later this summer or in the fall, I'll still be single, and may want to give us another shot. I think we can still be friends, even though relations between us will be temporarily strained. If the time comes, I'll probably be asking how to tell if he's over his ex. But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

I didn't think engineering students dated. I didn't think they slept either. Or ate anything but Hot Pockets.

Sorry to hear about your missed connection, sir. I enjoy your JUB posts, and hope you'll let me live once you and your addle-brained companion take over the world. NARF!

Oh, we date. Just not often. We do try to play up the fact that we're well-grounded, stable people who will be good providers. But from what my friends tell me, the women don't seem to be interested in that yet. I get my 7 hours of sleep, and am quite able to cook if I want to. But I'm also more the exception than the rule.

Both he and I are Pinky & the Brain fans, and that was part of our courtship/friendship.

 

[G-Lexington]

...can I be Larry?



Lex

 

[thermodynamics]

...can I be Larry?

Lex

That's just what I needed! Ooh, we could be a threesome!

 

[G-Lexington]

"Larry likes threesomes, too!"

Lex

 

[confusedboy23]

Well, I don't know where to start. Maybe a hug would be good.

I really do feel for you and I'm really sorry that you are going through what none of us should have to deal with although most of us would have had to endure it. Your story reminds me of myself, and although I have been through it, I can only imagine how difficult it is to be in your shoes right now.

I am not sure how you are coping with being "friends" with him when you are only just starting to move on from him. If it makes it any easier, or if it is at all possible, you may want to consider giving yourself more space between you and him. I have found that to be especially helpful.

Good luck, and peace!

 

[thermodynamics]

As I cross the one day mark of knowing all of this, I've come to a few realizations/conclusions/whatever...

1. I sure as hell am not going to "wait" for him.

2. I don't think we'll be able to remain the "friends" we were. We'll still be colleagues on the student project. I'm professional enough that I think I can keep things professional between us. But outside of that, I need to "get over" him. Rightly or wrongly (probably more the latter), I had dreamed/thought of what it would be like to be with him, cuddling, etc... But now I need to crush those feelings. And that can't happen if we're still friends. I learned that from my "straight crush" last year.

3. If the relationship with his ex falls through, I'll deal with things as they come based on how I feel, and how he feels. But I do not want to be the rebound relationship. As much as I might want to date him, I'm not going to put myself in a position where I'm going to get hurt. Again.

4. I know I need to meet more gay guys if I'm ever going to find one. I'm going to show up at the first meeting of of the Queer Professional and Graduate Student Association. I'm really really not a bar/club guy (I don't like drinking, another thing I had in common with this guy, sigh, which I know makes things a challenge. Throwing another monkey wrench into things, now that I'm a graduate student (in the same place as my undergrad), many of my friends through the years have now graduated or are at graduate school elsewhere. So I also need to "replace" most of my friends.

I'm not one who finds the process of dating any fun at all. I'd rather just find the guy that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, and get on with things. But it doesn't happen that way. As someone else said a while ago: "I want someone to hold in my arms when I'm falling asleep, and someone to kiss in the morning."

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>I'm going to show up at the first meeting of of the Queer Professional and Graduate Student Association.

That I think is an ideal thing to do. Good luck to you.

Lex

 

[evil_danger]

That's what I'm afraid of. Just knowing me, I won't have great luck finding someone else (though who knows), and by the time he and his ex break up later this summer or in the fall, I'll still be single, and may want to give us another shot. I think we can still be friends, even though relations between us will be temporarily strained. If the time comes, I'll probably be asking how to tell if he's over his ex. But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Thats a difficult question though, It could be harder for him the second time they break up because it really means the person he thought he loved is wrong for him, on the other hand it could be easier because it's just strenghtening the reasons why they shouldn't have been together. Either way it will be important for him to know you are not the rebound guy.

 

[Jeimuzu]

Dam, I hate when that happens. If its any assurance, I think most people get back together after breaking up because they miss the security and each other's company. After they indulge in it, they will rediscover why they broke up and will...break up again. This is why I always tell my friends that you can never go back to the way it was after they tell me they miss their ex.

I agree with this. Stick around, they broke up once and they could well do it again.

And don't be worried about relations with him - if you both want relations to be good, they can be good. Don't start arguments for the sake of it, and you'll be fine. Be forgiving of his mistakes. You should realise one handy thing; if you forgive him, that's another bit of a proof that you're worthy of a decent relationship.

 

[thermodynamics]

So what are the chances that these two get back together for a time, then split up again?

 

[confusedboy23]

I agree with the rest here, it is important that he does not get the idea that you are waiting for him and you'll be there for him in case they break up again. However much you love him and want him, you deserve better than being a second choice. I know it hurts but you need to do it for yourself. I am not saying that they remain together forever, but even if they do break up, you need to carefully look at the bigger picture when it does happen. You need to move on right now and there should be no holding you back. Seeing that you are asking the question of their chances breaking up again, I know deep down inside of you, you are in need of him, you are craving for him. I have done exactly that too, so I know exactly how you feel. I wish I could tell you that he will break and live happily ever after with you but that will make me a liar. Nobody knows the chances but if my experience was a yardstick, then they probably will not. They have broken up once and they are back together. That might have made them stronger due to the time apart without each other. Love is wonderful but crazy thing. You will learn you will always love him no matter what but that it will only be how you love him that will change. He will always remain to be a part of you. I wish you peace.....

 

[thermodynamics]

I have no intention of "waiting" for him. I was asking out of curiosity. Sure, I'd like to be with him, but I'm not going to wait for him.

I'll probably see him in a meeting (student group) in another hour. Might be interesting.

 

[confusedboy23]

Sorry to hear that! But, Just think of this, if he's choosing his ex, don't think of it as your loss after all, it's his. Maybe you're too perfect for him.

Another way to see it is, if you really loved him and cared for him, you would want nothing but for him to be happy. If that means being with his ex, so be it, because that's what love is really about. I know it sucks, and I know it too darn well but I still believe that we can love until it hurts but someday that hurt will turn into love, again!

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Dude,

You need a good, working plan (Have I said anything of the kind recently?)

Your 'friend' has now made his choice. Leave him to his own devices and move on rapidly.

Yup. You want to start dating, meeting people and making friends. This is not easy and your resources are limited. If you wanted your life to be easy you'd be probably studying ikebana and your nick here would not be 'thermodynamics', rite?

Add flexibility and speed to your daily life equation. Don't ever plan on dating a dude, who needs a month's notice for a date!!! If he is genuinely interested, he'll find an evening off within a week and you'll do the same. You'll sweat it out later on.

Being a good provider sounds very good. Especially, if you want to raise a kindergarten full of well, kids, who call you 'Daddy'. For a gay dude, this aspect is of a slightly subordinate importance. (Sure, we all want a good life, but if you are sweating it out too much, the impression is made that you might not be putting the right moves. Do not do that.)

Do not overestimate the importance of 'compatibility'. Sure, the basics ought to be right but you'll soon have to accept the fact that people come in packages with all their complex features. In other words, just when you discover that they are so compatible with you, because they are not into bars and drinking, they move back to their exes...

If a dude wants a glass of wine with his dinner, take that and learn to live with it. If he does not go all bananas over the latest Harry Potter (and you do), learn to live with his love for anything that you find totally boring. Learn to take in and live with the substance that is not entirely pleasing to you.

It is called emotional growth and it happens to be mostly painful

SC