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So how do I ask a guy if he's gay?

thermodynamics

thermodynamics

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Kinda complicated, but here goes:

I'm coming to grips with the fact that I'm probably gay--I'm not out...yet.

Some background to the story:
I'm a part of a student engineering project and there's this guy I've come to enjoy being around and working with. I've suspected he's gay since we started working together, but I'd been in denial last year so I never did anything with it. But this year has been different. I've made attempts at gathering reconaissance, trying to confirm my suspicions. We had breakfast together one morning and talked about a bunch of stuff. Everything pointed to the fact he was gay.

Then, as I senior, I finally got onto facebook (I know...I'd been trying to avoid it...but I gave in). I looked him up. It said he was in a relationship with another guy (though I haven't confirmed this). And I looked at his friends as well, and found a guy he dated in high school. So I'm very convinced he's gay.

And yes, I am getting feelings for him. He's a great guy, fun to be around.

I fully realize that if he's in a relationship, it's hands off. I DO NOT want to come between him and his boyfriend. I'd feel really bad if I did. But I'd like to be able to have him as a friend (I mean, hey, we can always use one more of those), and more importantly, be able to talk to him about being a gay engineer and his coming out experience.

Question...how do I go about doing that? What should I say?
 
You seem to already know he IS gay. So have coffee or lunch with him. Ask him if he is currently in a relationship with someone. "Hey, I don't remember hearing you discuss this before. Are you in a relationship with someone? If not, I'd like to ask you out on a date?"

If he is in a relationship, recover by saying, "That's great. He must be special to have someone like you in his life. Tell me about him."
 
I once told this story in this forum, but I was using a different name.

Still a great story.

I had the hots for a guy in school for ages... like.. since the first month of first year.

But I had just come out and could finally date.

I was sitting at a table in the student center having lunch with my best friend and I pointed the guy out. He told me to ask him out.. I said "hell no". He told me I was being a chicken. I think he maybe made the "buck buck" sound.

I got up and walked over to him with a determined look.

"Hey"

"um.. hi"

"Your name is Charlie, right?"

"Yeah.

"I'm Jasun"

"I know, you're in one of my classes"

"Right. Hey.. um.. would you like to go out to a movie sometime?"

"Um.. sure?"

"Cool. How about Friday?"

"Wait.. did you just ask me out on a date?"

"Um.. yeah?"

"I thought you were straight"

"Well, I'm not"

"Cool"
 
Good luck with this, thermodynamics. Let us know what you did--and how it came out!
 
I agree... you already know that he is gay. Just ask him if he wants to grab dinner some time. At that point you can figure out if he has a bf or not. Going to dinner doesn't mean your dating, nor does it mean that he is cheating on a bf.
 
You have already received some good advice and some excellent approaches ... I just want to wish you luck on that! I am curious to see what happens!! ..|
 
We're planning to have breakfast tomorrow morning. I'll ask him if he's in a relationship, and let things go from there. Here goes...
 
Anything happen in the last few weeks?

Have a good time tomorrow! Let us know, please, what happens!
 
Don't ask him... let them come out. Just bea good friend and don't say things that might scare him away from coming out. Simple as that and I'm in the closet.
 
Theyoungman said:
Don't ask him... let them come out. Just bea good friend and don't say things that might scare him away from coming out. Simple as that and I'm in the closet.
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Well, I know he's gay. That's certain. I realized after I made the first post that the title was completely wrong. It should have been more "How do I find out if a guy's in a relationship and how do I turn him into a supportive friend."
 
yeah, I think your approach about asking him if he is seeing anybody is a great one. Let us know how it goes though... b/c now I'm curious.
 
The only thing I would say here is although you know he is Gay, he doesn;t know you are. He may worry that you are homophobic and lie to you, so ask the question carefully to let him know you are not. "So do you have a boy or girlfriend at the moment" Or if he says he has a girlfriend, when you know he doesn't, just say "She's a lucky girl I wish I had a boyfriend like you." Well let us know how it goes and good luck. (*8*)
 
We went to breakfast.

It was hard for me to bring up the subject of the relationship. But I asked him. He said he was in a relationship. He knew what I was thinking/asking about since he looked up my Facebook last night. So yeah, he's gay. He's out at school here, but hasn't told his family, except for his mother, who died in late August. So this semester for him (just like me) has been difficult. But he's a good friend to have, definitely.

He has offered his support and willingness to talk, so I know I'll take him up on that. He also suggested going to the GLBT meetings on campus, and I'll probably do that as well.

But I was able to tell another person "Yeah, I'm gay." Not bad. It's been a long time in coming, but I did it and I'm proud of it. One down, many more to go.

Thanks for your support.
 
Well done mate, I'm so pleased for you and proud of you for doing that. It must be a great weight off your mind. I hope others on here read thes posts and gain courage from them.

You are right to be proud of yourself, It took a lot of courage and now you have a friend who will help you through problems you may have in the future. You must be feeling really good now, I remember the feelings.

I'm even happy now! (*8*)
 
Congrats Thermodyn!!! And there is no set timetable by which you have to tell people. Sounds like you do have a good friend in this guy.
 
Hey I am happy for you, that you have found another friend! Way to go!!
 
Yea! I got a message back from him. He's interested in going to breakfast more. It'll be great because I can talk with him about his own experiences and advice. I enjoy hanging out with him.
 
thermodynamics said:
Yea! I got a message back from him. He's interested in going to breakfast more. It'll be great because I can talk with him about his own experiences and advice. I enjoy hanging out with him.
Click to expand...

That is great! I am very happy for you Thermo ... it's great to have a support system during these tough times.
 
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