So... how *do* you meet gay guys?

[smilo87]

I'm 23. I came out last year, and it's been OK (better than being closeted, certainly).

When I was a kid, I had a messed up situation at home, and I pushed away everyone who could get close to me because I didn't want them to see what was going on. The result was that I never had any close friends. Things are better today -- but still, I mostly have acquaintances more than anything else.

I've also never been in a relationship, and I figure that the main way that'll happen is meeting through other guys. Online doesn't seem to work -- the handful of hookups I had a while ago weren't satisfying (even sexually), and even when being direct about not looking for something no-strings-attached, nothing seems to go anywhere.

Bars can be certainly fun once in a while to drink and dance, but you'll it's hard to find someone who is interesting in a place that plays music too loud to be able to hold a conversation. At any rate, you basically can't go to a nightclub alone, and I infrequently have someone who wants to go with me.

Basically I think I want a small circle of gay friends, and the boyfriend will follow eventually. But where do you find them? And how do you turn from someone you meet (at a party, a bar, a restaurant, wherever) into someone you hang out together with frequently?

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[edit: for what it's worth, I live in medium-sized city midwestern city, btw]

 

[youngnihilist]

Who says you can't go to gay bars alone? I personally havent' done it very often, but every time I do I end up talking to people. Also, I know people who moved to my city and were forced to go alone a lot, and they just talked to people now they have plenty of friends.

So that's one option. Another might be the internet. Craigslist, adam4adam (if they have it where you are), any other gay meeting site.

 

[altlover85]

I'm 23. I came out last year, and it's been OK (better than being closeted, certainly).

When I was a kid, I had a messed up situation at home, and I pushed away everyone who could get close to me because I didn't want them to see what was going on. The result was that I never had any close friends. Things are better today -- but still, I mostly have acquaintances more than anything else.

I've also never been in a relationship, and I figure that the main way that'll happen is meeting through other guys. Online doesn't seem to work -- the handful of hookups I had a while ago weren't satisfying (even sexually), and even when being direct about not looking for something no-strings-attached, nothing seems to go anywhere.

Bars can be certainly fun once in a while to drink and dance, but you'll it's hard to find someone who is interesting in a place that plays music too loud to be able to hold a conversation. At any rate, you basically can't go to a nightclub alone, and I infrequently have someone who wants to go with me.

Basically I think I want a small circle of gay friends, and the boyfriend will follow eventually. But where do you find them? And how do you turn from someone you meet (at a party, a bar, a restaurant, wherever) into someone you hang out together with frequently?

-----
[edit: for what it's worth, I live in medium-sized city midwestern city, btw]

I would try www.meetup.com and see if they have any groups that interest you. If they're gay, great! If not, you still may be able to expand your social circle and hopefully someone will know someone who will introduce you to some gay friends.

Gay friends aren't necessary in order to find a boyfriend, though.

 

[smilo87]

I mean you can, particularly if it's not a friday/saturday night. I have. But it can seem like you're butting into other people's conversations with their friends.

Plus, on nights where it's *not* too packed, and it seems better to start up random conversations, the crowd seems to skew older. Nothing wrong with that, but I'm not going to be close friends with someone twice my age, nor vice versa.

Online is generally where I *have* met people, but it seems hard to start either a friendship or a relationship from an online site. Plus, after awhile you seem to have seen basically everyone one the website near your age range.

 

[MindBlast]

I'm having the same issue. I live in a city of just under a million, and there are no other big cities within short distance of Edmonton. Plus it's cold for half the year so people stay inside and the city is so damn spread out that it's not like there's a "gay area" really. I haven't been with a guy since November, and that was my friend who messed around with me. Before that it was July 2010.

 

[hylas]

i find them basically everywhere: online, clubs, university, dayjob...

maybe you can look online, not for hook-ups or love, but for friends to go out with?

 

[gogonotcrycry]

I have the exact same problem. I've tried the online thing off-and-on for a couple of years and it is painful and basically, shit. You have a few alright conversations with some alright guys, once in the while a really good one comes along but it just doesn't really happen (personal experience mostly, and others similar stories). I came in here expecting some advice, but it just seems to be "go to bars, go online" ...it's just so vague. I understand it's hard giving advice about meeting people but, surely there's more to be said then that. The question of the thread is how DO you meet gay guys? I thought it was rather straight forward, and the with the first post, it made it even obvious - How do you meet gay guys out and about, AWAY from the internet? How can you tell who they are, without them running around in a tight pink Beth Ditto shirt? A subtle way to tell them that you are gay. All those little things. Some real advice.

 

[chance1]

I think your situation is very common - very

Mine was not dissimilar

Out is great - you will have more opps as you are open to it - which is huge

Online with a little smarts/vetting can work - as in no weirdos allowed

Go to the gay section of whatever town/city you're in and walk around - smell the air - smile - have a coffee

The rest will come

You're doing good

 

[anchihiro]

Have you looked for gay groups, e.g. a gay rock climbing/tennis/book/film/video games/football/baseball/bowling/cinema/karate/ju jitsu/swimming/water polo/cars/dance/hill walking etc etc type groups??? Or whatever you're personally interested in.

Again you are probably going to have to try online. Incidentally you could join a group activity that by chance has another gay person. You make friends, they introduce you to other gay friends.

If in club areas, try and see if there are bars/pubs, if you go early instead of typically when its 10pm then maybe before the music gets really loud you could strike up a convo with the fewer people that are there at 7?

Go on websites that cater for a friendship section or options too.

The truth is you're not alone, there are many many gay people who feel the same way.

 

[DeadRussianSpaceMonkey]

Making friends and networking is really quite simple, so there is no reason to really over-think it all. Personally, I really don't tend to let people in my life, but it would be quite simple if I did.
Ideally, the first step is just making the basic small talk conversation- Finding who they are (I'm Justin, you are?), what they are doing with there life(So, are you in college, out of college?), what kind of activities and things they are into? (Do you usually, come out to the bars, clubs, bookstores? Or..).
Then you see if you have any shared interests, or something that they do that you always wanted to do, and either invite them to do something with you and friends. Or you kind of make it known that you have an interest in something they like to do, so you ask questions about how you get started, how they got started- Is it simple, How much, have you ever taught anyone how to do this or would you mind teaching someone to do it, etc. etc.- If they are involved in doing it or really enjoy it, they'll invite you along (It's always more fun to do shit with a group of friends than not). Or if they are like oh, i really like doing this or that, but I just haven't had the time to, or no one really likes to go. Be forward, and be like if you ever need anyone to go, i'll give you my number, if you'd like to meetup and just go sometime.

If you don't have time to build a convo. Maybe just ask them if they have facebook, add them, socialize with them, see what they like. Maybe ask them if they like to go out to see a band, game night, come over for some summer grilling and the game or nascar , go fishing, go shooting, go wakeboarding, go rock climbing.

But where do you find them? And how do you turn from someone you meet (at a party, a bar, a restaurant, wherever) into someone you hang out together with frequently?

People are all over, it's just if you make the choice to talk to them or not, and the reversal is true as well. I don't know why people are afraid to say something to people they don't know, it does no harm.

&& Your second part of your question I answered above. Just find shared interests and go for it, have fun. Meeting people is all about networking, it's kind of funny when you look how interconnected people's lives are. You might meet gay people, straight people, bi people, it doesn't matter. Go out, and enjoy yourself every once and awhile.

Online people are great for conversation sometimes because it's easier, although it's the same process if you end up meeting them. Although, i'd be careful online, there are a lot of weirdos.

 

[Atzesp]

I read all the answers here and I see your point. But the truth is that there is NO magical formula, behavior or something like that. I must sound like a fool now , but it will be too much of a "gaydar" thing.

There's no formula. You have to be aware of who's near you. Some quick look, which turns into a second look, a little bit longer... A smile... Then you find an excuse to say hi or hello. This can happen even at non-gay (exclusively) places. I once got to know a guy when we were buying shoes! Some other time I had just left the swimming pool at the gym and a guy asked me something, we started talking and there it went.

And yes, people lately have been too fond of the online thing - but as DeadRussian said, it's easier and more direct. In real life, you don't have anything ready to be done. You'll have to discover for yourself which way suits best.

 

[bike10]

One place for sure one can score for meeting gay guys are the baths. May not be ones up of tea but they do offer a private place to hook up. They offer private rooms, steam room, sauna, video rooms etc. You can cruise the halls and check out the action. Find what interest you in guy or guys. Find list of baths on bathhouse addict.

 

[altlover85]

I would try www.meetup.com and see if they have any groups that interest you.

In case it was unclear, meetup is not a dating website. It's a website where people form groups based on interests like film, scuba diving, running, etc. and then everyone goes to an event at a certain time and do said activity.

For example, I signed up to do a French speaking dinner. It was fun and I had a good time.