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So I Came Out

thatguygus

thatguygus

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Hi everyone this is my first time being here (registered anyways). I recently came out to my best friend (4 days ago) and although he said everything was cool and nothing would change I feel like everything has. I went to a party that I was invited to by his family and the whole time we said about 3 words to each other and it felt like he was avoiding me. I know given the short time I've given him to adjust, that it might be still too early to just simply pick up where we left off, but I'm afraid of losing someone who is like a brother to me. To be fair he didn't freak out when I told him the freaking out was on my part that he was so cool about it. It's really only hard cause I have no one to talk too I know a lot of you have dealt with situations like this and was wondering how you guys coped with it any advice would be great.
 
Sit down in private and talk to him and see if there really is a problem. It could be that he has feelings for you that he is afraid to express to you. Good luck
 
panda29 said:
Sit down in private and talk to him and see if there really is a problem. It could be that he has feelings for you that he is afraid to express to you. Good luck
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Don't get any false hope though.

Is he straight or gay as well? The thing is with coming out to another guy, is that they may think you are interested in them. It probably made him a little uncomfortable.

Try befriending other people and build up social support. My constant advice for people who are new to coming out is to develop a close relationship with a female friend. Someone who you can just easily talk to about everything.
 
I wouldn't get the idea that he secretly wants you in your head, that sounds like a fantasy land to me.

When I came out to a friend here, I thought he had a problem with it at first. Even though he was cool with it like your friend was, I thought there was some tension when I'd hang out with him. I started getting a little pissed at him because I thought he was just being nice to my face but secretly hating the fact that I was gay.

When I allowed myself to calm down a little and some time had passed, I realized that the "problem" was really in my head. Yeah I think it took him a little time to truly accept that I was gay and all that, but it took ME some time to accept that I had finally come out to a friend and he was truly more interested in being my friend than he was in hating the fact that I was gay.

Just give it time and let your friend know that his finally knowing that you're gay doesn't mean that you've suddenly changed...you're the same friend he always had. You show him that by keeping your confidence and acting the exact same way as you did before. Over time, things will smooth out.
 
Thanks guys but I'm sure he doesn't have those feelings for me we're close but we're more like brothers than anything else. Jerry I think you're right I was the one freaking out the day I came out while he was calm. I guess what I'm doing is just reading too much into things I was somewhat avoiding him too at the party. Actually I sent him a message via FB but I'll probably end up calling sooner or later. I'll keep you guys posted as to what happens and thanks for all the advice.
 
He probably doesn't know what is required of a friend when someone comes out to him. You might be his first friend to come out. And it makes him no less of a friend if he doesn't know how to deal with it. After all, it probably took you a while to figure things out before you were willing to tell him..

Give him some space. No need for major "lets face this head on" uncomfortable talks. Just give him a chance to chill out and he'll either come around or if he has issues he'll keep his distance. Either way it is good news!
 
bankside said:
He probably doesn't know what is required of a friend when someone comes out to him. You might be his first friend to come out. And it makes him no less of a friend if he doesn't know how to deal with it. After all, it probably took you a while to figure things out before you were willing to tell him..

Give him some space. No need for major "lets face this head on" uncomfortable talks. Just give him a chance to chill out and he'll either come around or if he has issues he'll keep his distance. Either way it is good news!
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He's had gay friends even before I met him. He doesn't care who's gay or not he's cool with everyone, but I agree with what you said about time. It did take me a while to come out to him but I don't want to all the pressure on him to see if our friendship is going to be back to normal I kinda just want everything to go back to what it was 5 days ago (before I told him) or is that just selfish of me?
 
No, it is not selfish. Basically just be the kind of friend you were and kind of friend you want to be.

If he has questions, that's his job to figure out what he needs to ask you. I bet he's hoping for things to go back to normal too. Once he figures out that everything is still normal, he should be okay.
 
...honestly, sometimes we project the feelings we so intensely feel internally (whatever those feelings might be).

...esp with close relationships and friendships. Whatever you feel sometimes - including tension is what they feel as well. This has happened to me with close friendships.

Let time tell, try to be yourself, as you were before you came out, and to continue to do what you've normally done as friends. If time passes and he still seems distant, ask if anything's up.
 
The only thing is that he's currently in the Air Force and is going back to Germany soon. I just really hope we can patch things up before he leaves.
 
thatguygus said:
The only thing is that he's currently in the Air Force and is going back to Germany soon. I just really hope we can patch things up before he leaves.
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Well, if you don't patch things up (if there's anything that needs patching??) that will give him some time to reflect. When people are missing home they tend to remember the good things; the things they miss. Best friends being one of those. ;)
 
Well I know life goes on and everything and if we weren't friends anymore it wouldn't kill me but I've never lost a friend before and now I feel that I've honestly could have waited a little longer to tell him. It's not like anyone was questioning me about anything and now I made this sort of mess where things have changed. I'm ranting ignore this post it's just something to let off my chest.
 
thatguygus said:
Well I know life goes on and everything and if we weren't friends anymore it wouldn't kill me but I've never lost a friend before and now I feel that I've honestly could have waited a little longer to tell him. It's not like anyone was questioning me about anything and now I made this sort of mess where things have changed. I'm ranting ignore this post it's just something to let off my chest.
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There's always a million reasons not to do something... but you did it anyway, because it needed to be done. There are very few occasions where waiting is necessary (fear of getting kicked out, hijacking a wedding or family gathering with a dramatic coming out, etc)

It'd be tough to call someone a best friend if he doesn't even know which gender you're attracted to. If you were supposed to wait until people were questioning you, well then some of us would never come out because we're so good at faking, or defying what they expect a gay guy to be like. You did the right thing.
 
I just wish sometimes when moments like this happen that life would just stop for 5 minutes....but unfortunately it keeps going oh well might as well keep going and get something over with
 
thatguygus said:
I just wish sometimes when moments like this happen that life would just stop for 5 minutes....but unfortunately it keeps going oh well might as well keep going and get something over with
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I know you can't stop it from being on your mind, but try to put your energy elsewhere while he can take the time to ponder. If he is indeed having trouble with it, then he is probably confronting a lifetime of prejudice. It took me years to accept myself, so I can't expect my friends to accept it immediately. To us he is dead wrong in not immediately accepting you completely. To him he is probably confronting all the perceptions about gay people he has heard over the years.

I'd recommend coming out to someone else if you haven't, and someone you expect to be fine with it. Focus on other friendships if you need to, and wait patiently :confused:
 
Well if he has other gay friends, then this behavior is indeed very odd.

I'd say he probably is questioning his own sexuality right now.
 
kramer362 said:
I wouldn't assume this at all... there a million reasons a person could be avoidant after finding out a friend is gay...
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Not really.

And especially not really if he already has gay friends. It'd be like telling him you're left handed. Why would he pull away?
 
Thanks for all the support and advice everyone. I'm just taking it one day at a time and it's getting easier even tho I haven't talked to him in over a week. As far as him having feelings for me, I'm pretty sure that's not the case. I've come out to some other friends and they took it well and it's like nothing's changed. I'm feeling good right now and whether or not this all blows over or remains unsettled it's really not up to me anyhow. He's gotta see if he can accept me for who I am or not and I finally see that now. Again thanks so much for everything guys it made this easier than it would be to do it alone : )
 
Good for you!

And keep us updated. I'm sure there's more to come.
 
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