So I came out...

[skd5674]

Hi everyone. So I know I am not super active in these forums (and by that, I mean, active at all, really), but I need help.
Here's my situation. My boyfriend/fiance has been really supportive of me and my decision on remaining "straight" to my family (as my family is super religious and very very right winged) and was even more supportive when I decided to come out to my dad. My dad has been surprisingly very good with it all, taking the stance that he isn't God so who is he to judge, and that if God loves me no matter what, why shouldn't he. This was about the beginning of October that this happened.
Fast forward to this past Thursday. My mother finally found out, and it has been really really difficult. She hasn't talked to me since, and it is really awkward since I still live in their house. My sister is no help because her and her husband keep talking to her and making matters worse (the only thing my mother has said to me since the whole thing is that "all her hopes and dreams for me are lost."

I just need help getting through this. Does anybody who has been through this type of situation have any kind of encouraging words for me to get me through all this. It's been really hard on me, and it's definitely showing.

 

[skd5674]

In some way, I think my mom is similar, and a lot of my friends have said the same thing, because, according to her, she's known since I was in high school, and I'm 22 now. Everyone's been saying that she just had that illusion of me and her life for me planned out, and now it's shattered but she has to live with what she was given now, but. It's still hard

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Skd5674,

I am very happy to read that you have a boyfriend/fiancé and that he is very understanding / supportive with your current situation.

I fully agree with Reone that you must be aware that your life belongs to you, and not to your parents.

Your parents have raised you, but their task is -almost- finished (you are 22, so an adult guy, and able to make your own decisions). Well, and you are a gay guy and you have a nice boyfriend/fiancé and both of you want to built up a nice future.

I tend to think that it is very good that you have told your parents that you are gay.

I was wondering if your mom and dad are still married with each other and are living in the same house. I mean, how comes that your dad has not told to your mom that you are gay?

Besides that, you might give your mother (and sister etc.) some time (and space) to get used to the idea that you are gay (and have a boyfriend/fiancé). Likely, they will need some time to get used to this idea. There are also several support groups where your mom might talk with other parents.

Anyway, I would like to wish you all the best and good luck. Apparently, your mom (and sister) have not thrown you out of their house.

Don't discuss to much with them about all the religious items. They have choosen to be relifundi people, and discussing with relifundi people is often tough and often even impossible.

Best wishes, and feel free to react.

Take care.

 

[Racer Dave]

Congrats on coming out, and like the guys said give her time to process it. Tell your sister to lay off though. Even my mom who has been super took a good week to come round after I came out to her

 

[Rolyo85]

I suggest anger. This is one of those few instances where it actually helps. You didn't do anything wrong. You are being wronged at the moment, and by someone whose sole obligation to you is to love and support you. I recently had a post about it on my blog (and it's been discussed in a topic on this forum), and I think it's extremely important to get yourself to believe that - if your mother's hopes and dreams for you were lost, then her hopes and dreams for you did NOT include your own happiness and fulfillment as a person. She has failed you as a parent. Let me repeat that. Your mother has FAILED you as a parent.

I know we do not just cut our family from our hearts, but you should be angry, not miserable. If she has a problem with who you are, then it's a self-inflicted wound, and people who abuse themselves obviously have issues...

 

[Kyanimal]

On the other hand ...

How long did it take You to wrestle with, and finally come to terms with, the fact that you're Gay? Think about it ...

Then, I would suggest that you grant those, that are just finding out, the same time that it took you to come to terms with that.

And, yeah!, that goes for your meddling sister, too. However, it wouldn't hurt to have a considerate "side bar" with her.

In any case, wishing You, your BF/Fiance, AND your Family, ALL the Very Best!

Of course ... Most Importantly ... and Most Sincerely ... no matter what ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[skd5674]

Thank you all for responding! Today was actually a little better, my mom and I talked a little bit. Nothing earth shattering, just tip of the iceberg stuff, but... A little bit at a time. I was really angry about it all for a little while, but it still hurt all the same. As for what you said, Chaz, I didn't think of it like that, but its definitely true, I can't really hold a grudge when it took me more than a day to come to terms with myself. And with my sister, even with a "side bar," I think she will still be a problem with this all. She's just one stubborn person.

 

[Kyanimal]

Aw, Yes!, Sisters!

Even though you grew up with them, and probably Love them Dearly, in spite of their "shortcomings", they can still prove to be a "Pain", even though they, themselves, don't see it that way!

I happened to have been lucky with my own sister. She was almost TOO enthusiastic about introducing "My" Kev to EVERYONE as my Partner! I nearly had to ask her to tone it down a bit to my Own "comfort level"!

On the other hand, a very close friend of mine, whom I considered my "Real Brother" (since I didn't have any), had a MAJOR problem with his sister! Even to the point of declaring that she was "Dead" to Him!

Hopefully, in your case, things will not come to that extremity! Sisters are not "things" that come by all that easily!

I would still recommend a "side bar", face to face, heart to heart, chat with Her. Granted, she may be stubborn as Hell! However, she still likely has a "soft spot" for her Brother, no matter what she might say! I would suggest using that to your utmost, advantageous, "cold hearted", positive appeal with her!

As adamant as she may be, you've still got an "inside" track with her, which will be most useful in 'winning' her over. It'll just take a little patience, perseverance, and gentle 'arm twisting'!

Best of Luck to You!

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[Seasoned]

Since none of us are living in a novel or a movie we can't forward to the end to see how it turns out, but, like any good story, there are twists and turns showing all sides of a person. Unless one is in immediate physical or emotional danger, calmness is a good fall back position, because, if nothing else, it keeps our blood pressure under control.

Your sister is misinformed and I'd make a small donation on her behalf to PFLAG and let her start getting their periodic literature. Even if at first she uses it for potato peelings she may see an article about how supportive family members behave.

There is nothing like an open, honest relationship with a parent and in the course of becoming an adult sometimes we need to do a periodic role reversal. You've learned a lot from your mom and now it's time she learns something from you. What's your teaching style going to be, ranting and raving, or bravely holding your ground and re-teaching until she gets a passing grade?

Parents, like children, are on a learning curve and what matters, in the end, is whether they're willing and open to change. Fortunately, most are and I hope your mom falls into that catagory. It's a hard lesson learning that our parents aren't perfect, but, as long as you're both breathing and stay away from hate, there's hope.

Take care and good luck.

 

[the8thdocter]

i think it is impossible for someone to ajust to someone in their life being gay straight away, unless of course they have known for a while, but the best thing is to say look, i can't help being gay, its who i am, who i always was, and always will be, if your dreams have been shattered then you dont really love me, because you dont choose how my life goes, if you love me, you will be willing to ajust to my life.