So I cheated . . .

[garylin]

So I've been dating this guys for 5yrs now but we are in a long distance relationship half across the world, we meet like one week out of the year in person but are in constant dailey contact via skype and email.

Long story short I really love him and he really loves me, he is very sweet and really listens to my needs as I do his. No one has ever been that loving with me before and i really appreciate it.

That all being said last month when i went to visit him (while we had an amazing time ) it started to hurt when I peed . . . turns out he gave me the clap. I was fuming. The weird thing tho was i wasnt mad so much that he had sex ( tho i would have perfered it be a stranger and not one of his aquintances ) because I could understand that one week out of the year is just not enough to meet some men's needs but i was mad that he barebacked with me and put my life at risk with out even telling me or idk. . . I was mad. . .

Anyways I forgave him because again i dont really mind the sex thing and at the end of the day I think we still work together and we still love eachother just as much.

So here is where it takes a turn for the worse I should mention I am in my early 20's and he is in his late 30's, he was the only man I ever slept with and up till this point and I was totaly fine with that. Also we dont have any solid plans to live together in the future tho both of us are willing to move for the other ( finding a job and visa is difficult tho)

Anyways after his cheating, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was an idiot for patiently waiting these 5 years for a guy who I dont have any concrete future (or even tentative future) with meanwhile missing out on all the fun expereinces my 20's have to offer.

So last night i went dancing with my friends at a gay club ( for the first time ) and one of my friend who always comes on to me but whom I always politely remind about my boyfriend asked me to take him home cuz he was feeling sick I did and he ended up giving me head and i ended up fingering him a little. . .

So now im at a cross roads do I tell my boyfriend I cheated probably ending our relationship or do i discuss with him the reason behind my cheating (the indefinte plans and my desire to open the relationship while we are away ) so that we can work on that and hopefully build a better relationship with a future.


tlr: lond distance boyfriend of five years cheated on me gave me an std, we stayed together but now i questioned our future, I ended up cheating not out of revenge but out of a wanting to experience my 20 not waiting for something that was so indefinite and precarious, Now I wondering if i should tell him I cheated possibly ending the relationship or keep that fact to myself but use this as a catalys to discuss my needs of a more defined future and freedom to have fun while we are not together

 

[sixthson]

I'm not sure why you call it dating when you see each other for one week every year, not to mention you have been doing it for 5 years. You're wasting your time waiting for something that most likely won't happen. Stay friends, move on. I can almost guarantee he didn't cheat on you only once.

 

[Kienny]

End it. You could be so much happier.

 

[KaraBulut]

This sounds a lot like the plot of "Same Time Next Year"- a play about a straight couple who get together every year to have an affair on their spouses. Only, you've got it backwards- you think the once-a-year affair is your relationship.

Perhaps if you tried a relationship in your home country- with daily contact and all the ups and downs that come with being in a relationship, you'd realize that what you've had for 5 years is a long distance friendship [with benefits].

 

[checkinthingsout]

This does not sound like a relationship. You guys are pen pals. Stay friends and move on to guys you can actually have a relationship with.

The qualities that you are seeing in this guy exist in other men, but I think this "long distance relationship" you describe is a security blanket for not having to explore intimacy with people who you actually see and interact with regularly. You might consider leaving your comfort zone and growing as an individual with a guy that is close to you.

How the hell did you guys even meet if he lives half way around the world?

 

[garylin]

Sorry I guess i wasnt clear, when we meet I was studying abroad in his country we dated for half a year in person before I moved back to the States; after I graduated I actually went back and lived in an apartment with him until my visa ran out, so its not like some virtual thing where we've never really meet or experienced being together together, all in all not consequitvally we probably spent a a little less than a year living in the same country and being with each other its just now that i work to I cant really be going htere for long stretches

 

[Seasoned]

No matter how much you both may want to be together eventually, you both deserve a fulfilling life today. The two of you could frame this in wanting what's best for the other. It's not only difficult remaining monogamous in your case, it's proven to be impossible. Why not rethink this arrangement for mental health?

 

[KaraBulut]

...we probably spent a a little less than a year living in the same country and being with each other its just now that i work to I cant really be going htere for long stretches

It's an unfortunate circumstance but ultimately it doesn't change the advice.

People change. Relationships change. Part of what makes relationships survive or fail is whether two people are making those changes together.

If you were in a relationship for a year and then you have been trying to keep that relationship going over a long distance for another 4 years, you're fighting against time and inevitability. Fate doesn't always work in your favor and sadly, in this case, it seems that there's no real future out there for the two of you. There doesn't be a scenario possible that would allow the two of you to be together again and to maintain a relationship.

Do you really think that you can be making this work over Skype for another year... 5 years... 10 years?

It's time that you both moved on. That doesn't mean that the two of you don't remain friends or stay in touch. It just means that you both have more opportunity to be pursue opportunities to find what you're looking for with someone else.

 

[checkinthingsout]

Sorry I guess i wasnt clear, when we meet I was studying abroad in his country we dated for half a year in person before I moved back to the States; after I graduated I actually went back and lived in an apartment with him until my visa ran out, so its not like some virtual thing where we've never really meet or experienced being together together, all in all not consequitvally we probably spent a a little less than a year living in the same country and being with each other its just now that i work to I cant really be going htere for long stretches

This is what I imagined. It sounds like a study abroad fling that you both are really trying to make work, but clearly it does not. Yes it may have been a significant experience for both of you. That does not mean it should or can last forever. Let it go. Keep it in the past and just hold on to the fun memories and the friendship while there is still a chance to save those. Start a new chapter.

 

[garylin]

i really appreciate you guys taking the time to respond, I'm wondering, the general consensus is that my relationship is not real and a local relationship could be a good thing for me, I don't think I'm ready to end things because I really do think we are really compatible so wouldn't just opening up the relationship be a solution? we can stay together and hope for a better future meanwhile we can date locally see what other options or out there if our future is not possible. . . Also im wondering how to go about asking for an open relationship without it devolving into a really akward conversation that makes him think i don't love him anymore?

 

[checkinthingsout]

I don't think I'm ready to end things because I really do think we are really compatible so wouldn't just opening up the relationship be a solution?

Compatibility is not the issue. I am sure you are compatible with lots of people. This is about you and him experiencing a real relationship.

we can stay together and hope for a better future meanwhile we can date locally see what other options or out there if our future is not possible. . . Also im wondering how to go about asking for an open relationship without it devolving into a really akward conversation that makes him think i don't love him anymore?

The reasonable thing to do would be to end it so that:

1. No one is caught off guard emotionally
2. You can maintain a friendship without other complications.
3. It allows you both to date AND ENJOY IT and not feel guilty or accountable towards the other. Who would want to date you if you consider yourself in a "relationship"?