So I confessed my feelings to my best friend.

[Unforgotten]

I'm in love. Bull blown puppy love. Not infatuated, not lusting, L-O-V-E love. And after literally 6 months of being depressed over him, I finally texted him, because I'm too much of a pussy to tell him to his face.

Basically I told him that he's the reason as to why I'm so depressed all the time, I have extreme feelings for him, and that I'm going to have to drop him as a friend in order for me to get on with my life.

Afterward, I told my friend (girl) that I finally confessed my love for him, and she proceeded to call him and talk to him about it. He basically said that he still wants me as a friend, but that's all she told me.

Now, he's on his way to my house to talk. I'm nervous, I don't know what to do, and honestly I CAN'T continue being his friend if I'm going to be tortured like this.
===
Now, you're probably wondering, "why don't you just find a date and take your mind off of him?" well, that's because I have low self esteem. I don't think I'm ugly, but I'm overweight and I immediately shoot myself down before even thinking of dating someone. So that's that.

And of course, he's straight (Though he makes everyone's gaydar scream), has a girlfriend (recently moved from NY to FL, so it's a long distance relationship) and he's way out of my league.

Do I know how to pick 'em Jubbers, or what?

 

[crzyrazn]

The picking is not in the choosing, I believe I recall hearing once. You can't choose who you fall in "love" with. At least you recognized this was an issue in your life you needed to address, so you did. All the time you see guys here that are heels over head for a heterosexual friend, they let it aggravate their lives with impossibilities that hinder them from seeking real possibilities. Now you have laid it out there, you will get your closure, and hopefully remain friends with this guy who seems to be understanding, if not available, one that would be unfortunate to lose. Putting your feelings on the line like this tells me you have more courage than you allow yourself to believe. There are a lot of people out there, a lot of opportunities, and you don't think there is just one for you? Plenty.

I hope the talk with your friend goes well. Just be honest, but don't lose a friend because you didn't gain a boyfriend. Sometimes friendship is the nicest kind of love.

 

[Unforgotten]

So he came over, for literally two minutes. He was trying to be all friendly and everything, but I got straight to the point and asked him how was this going to work. He asked me how I wanted it to work.

Long story short I told him that until I'm able to find someone to get my mind off of him, I'm not going to be able to hang out with him for a while. He persisted that we still stay friends, but I said we WILL be friends, we just won't see each other for a while. He even started saying to call my friend who has a whole bunch of gay friends, yet still I persisted no.

He finally said alright, said to call him if I wanted to hang out, then he left. I cried for about a good hour or two, and then sulked until around 1-ish and came to my fucking senses. I called him up, his phone was off, and told him that he means too much to me for me to just let him go like that. I'll get over it, and I don't want to lose any time over bullshit.

Called him today, he agreed with it and now all is as well as it possibly can be. I still have strong feelings for him, but I'd really rather have him around than not have him at all.

 

[sapien]

It's like that Gladys Knight song: "I'd rather live in his world than live without him in mine."

Totally get where you're coming from, bud. I'm in the same boat. I've been in love with my best friend of two years for the whole time I've known him. The thing is, he's gay, too, so it just kills me that much more that he can't like me "that way." I'm not ugly by any stretch of the imagination, just not his type. Still, it doesn't soften the blow.

Anyway, I did a similar thing two weeks ago. I sent him a long e-mail 'cause I can express myself better in writing and more or less told him I needed to move on, that it was torturing me, yadda yadda yadda. He got so depressed and was unable to focus on work, he later told me. Like you, I eventually came to my senses and called him up. I won't be doing that again. I've always known he means a lot to me, but for that one day I felt so bereft. We speak daily so it was very difficult for me, too.

 

[Unforgotten]

Yeah, my friend and I literally hang out daily. So to have to tell him that to his face was the worst thing I've ever done in my life. My chest hurts so much right now and no matter what I do, nothing helps it.

 

[rnailsone]

I believe that the biggest problem was you were hiding your feelings from him. Now that he knows it will be easier for you to be friends. Im just like you overwieght with slight self-esteem issues and I also fell for the cute str8 guy. Now that he knows trust me you will be able to move on to someone who will love you back the same way.

 

[texan_slant]

I'll be blunt - it's better to deal with it than to lose a friendship over it. Trust me, it might seem hard, but getting over the love will take time, but it's better than cutting off a friend like that. His reaction goes to show that it's worth saving!

 

[bluedragon4]

Ugh, gay men need to stop doing this. it's just torture and drama. I'm starting to think a lot of guys on here do this on purpose cause they know nothing will happen. If you're in High school and this happens i get that. You live and learn. But once you are smart enough to know better than you should know better. This is like fag hags falling for their gay friends. They know the out come and nothing will ever happen yet every time they do it. I actually stopped having heavy girls as friends 10 years ago. It never ended well and I lost a good friend. You knew going in he was straight. Now you fucked him over with not having you as his friend because of selfish feelings. There are a million threads on this. Future self haters please look these up and read them.

 

[JNewYork]

You fell for him because he was there. Put yourself in other activities and situations and you'll find someone who is available to you. I also recommend counseling or a support group if you can't afford counseling. Support groups strengthen people. The pain will lessen. I would not discuss this issue with your friend anymore at all. It's a burden to him that is unfair. Start working on yourself, bettering yourself and your self-image. Then go with confidence and get yourself a man. Happiness is yours. Go get it. You deserve it.

 

[bluedragon4]

wow...you should be a psychotherapist, dude *sarcasm alert, just in case you didn't notice*

Whatever. Something I say not true? What's the point of telling this guy anyways? Lets hear what you have to say. It's easy to say something short and negative to me but how about you address the issue.

 

[coloradobottom]

You aren't the first or the last to have this happen to. I did too, many years back. We stayed friends, in fact it made it easier having the truth out in the open. He thought I was in love with him, but wasn't for sure, until I told him I was. We joked about it, and that seemed to help. We have been there for each other for 25 years now. Births, deaths, relationships, illness. About 15 years ago he excepted the fact that he was bi. The talking stopped, and we acted on it. We are still best friends, and maybe part time lovers. He has had many relationships, male and female, I'm the only one he continues to see for years on end. Perhaps it will end this way for you too. Don't be in such a hurry to end a friendship. It may get better and stronger.

 

[Unforgotten]

Well I spoke to him today about it. He is absolutely cool with everything, and said that if I'm fine with it, he is. We hung out all day, and I saw him in a new light, only as a friend. He really is a special person, at least I know I can count on him for anything

 

[spencer]

Well I spoke to him today about it. He is absolutely cool with everything, and said that if I'm fine with it, he is. We hung out all day, and I saw him in a new light, only as a friend.

Well i sure hope so. It's just so easy to get back into the old ways of liking your friend. I mean maybe u can be one of the few that overcome, but overnight? You're stronger than me man.All the best

 

[voyager1994]

been there, done that. trust me, you'll get over this. i did, although it took a long time.

 

[Paladin]

You fell for him because he was there. Put yourself in other activities and situations and you'll find someone who is available to you. I also recommend counseling or a support group if you can't afford counseling. Support groups strengthen people. The pain will lessen. I would not discuss this issue with your friend anymore at all. It's a burden to him that is unfair. Start working on yourself, bettering yourself and your self-image. Then go with confidence and get yourself a man. Happiness is yours. Go get it. You deserve it.

Truth. We tend to covet what's in our own backyard (remember Silence of the Lambs? - the same applies).

Broaden your horisons, hang out with more people and your attention will head in more healthy directions...

 

[emancipado]

just be thankful he still wants to be your friend, which shows how important it is to him, having u in his life, other guys would just run...

 

[slnattak]

Happens to all of us. I eventually met another gay man who I had the same feelings for. It seemed like it was perfect, I met a man with the same personality that I like in the straight guy (and more) - and he was gay as well! It was like a dream come true. However, things didn't work with him either.

Because I finally realized it really wasn't the guy's sexuality that was the problem, it was my attitude. He agreed to meet me two times and I didn't- because of self-loathing issues. I thought I loved him but if I really loved him, I would put more of an effort into making the relationship work, and I just didn't. It wasn't *all* my fault, I later learned that basically he could be an asshole with some of his OWN issues. But my point still stands. I just wasn't ready for a healthy, real relationship.

I didn't *really* love anybody, and you didn't either. You didn't love this guy. You crushed on him. Big time. When it's mututal love you'll know.

But you just obviously have self-esteem issues to work out before you're ready to love somebody else. There's a point to this. Don't take it too far in the other direction, I mean you don't have to become perfect or anything before you're ready to meet guys but how can you give a guy anything when you're clearly still such an emotional wreck? Any romantic relationship you get into right now would bound to be unhealthy. Focus on fixing you first for awhile. It may take months, years even a decade.

But it will be worth it. When you have confidence- even a little bit, like I did those last two times, guys come to you. When they see you happy, content with your life and not whiny/complainy too much, when you're not afraid to be yourself and be happy with what you got.... then you will start attracting other positive, healthy people. You have to start doing what your soul needs, not what instant gratification needs.

ps: All these 'str8 guy/str8 acting, even "masculine" acting threads are also barriers in the way of true love. You can't find true love if all you are is worried/busy whether your guy is 'acting like a man' or not. So knock that out as well. You'll begin to notice what all your problems are if you would just step back and take a look at things a little logically.

 

[blackbeltninja]

Whatever. Something I say not true? What's the point of telling this guy anyways? Lets hear what you have to say. It's easy to say something short and negative to me but how about you address the issue.

I dunno, BlueDragon.

It doesn't matter that you're not wrong and it's all factually true what you have said. It does matter that you can't help falling in love with someone. It's not something which only happens in high school, it's not something which only happens with fag hags (I hate that term).

If the OP has fallen in love with his friend you can't hate him or blame him for it. There's an attraction there, at least from one side - he can no more govern how he feels inside than I can stop liking the colour red. I can look specifically at other colours, but that doesn't make me not like red any more. The OP can choose not to act on his feelings - and he has, up till now - but that isn't necessarily going to make them go away, I don't think.

Jeepers, even straight guys fall in love with straight girls who they are friends with - it has nothing to do with gay drama, or being a self-hater, at all.

-d-

 

[JNewYork]

thanks, Paladin. And good advice of yours too.

Also, to the original poster: When my self-esteem was at its lowest, that was when I was most susceptible to falling for somebody that was not available to me.

It's some form of weird self-abuse, where we set ourselves up for failure. And the more we can't have it, the more we think we must have it.

When my self-esteem was low I desperately "needed" validation from some straight guys. If they could just throw me some type of affection and/or attention, I was sky high with excitement. When their attention/validation did not come, I would feel so low.

I worked on myself. I don't have as low self-esteem anymore. I feel good about myself and I went after getting somebody who WAS AVAILABLE to me. This somebody respects me and I respect him. We go perfect together.

Also, I still get some crushes on straight men that I come across. (I'm human, after all.) But my healthy self-esteem today does NOT have me going down that desperate road of trying to win the straight guy over, and get his love and validation. I already give myself the love and validation I need. And I get it from my partner, too.

It's been many years since I fell for a straight guy. I guess it's because it's been many years since I had low self-esteem.

I'm wishing you and others in the same boat success and luck.

P.S. One other theory I have of gays falling for straights: The gay guy has low self-esteem and sees this "ideal" straight man as being everything that the gay is NOT. So the gay crushes for the straight. A longing to be that other person. But when the gay guy gets to a healthy place of loving himself as he is and accepting himself, he no longer will have this crushing on the "ideal" man. He will see himself as the ideal and not experience this painful self-abusive game anymore.

P.P.S. 7 years ago I was in a painful "crushing on a straight guy" game. I would have given anything to get with this dude. I was hopelessly and PAINFULLY "in love" with him. Today if you gave me a thousand dollars I would not want to even see his face walking down the street! Fuck him.

 

[ncdude19]

never cry over a guy... no one is worth you upseting yourself.