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So I was seeing this guy - now it's messy

G

glorificus

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I'm sorry if you don't want to listen to my problems but I didn't know where else to go.

So at the start of the year I met this guy and we started hitting it off, I met someone who was nice and not bitchy and judgemental like all the others - he was 27, 28 now and i'm only 22, he said he doesn't normally bother with my age bracket, and on the first date I kept telling myself, if he's not interested at lease we had this day, and it was a really sweet first date, we just talked all day and went to the park and watched the clouds. Anyway he invited me over that weekend - he lives in Melbourne and I'm about 2.5 hours away on public transport, also I've never stayed over at a strangers house before and I was a complete virgin at the time, but we ended up doing it (and he was really sweet and good about it being my first time)

And since then I've pretty much been over to his place every weekend, we went to Midsumma together and he was really sweet and affectionate and for once I was happy, met his friends, got along well made a whole new circle of friends and got back into the art scene, my illustrations were getting better and better - but we were never officially a couple just fuck buddies, only we naturally acted like a couple together. And he did sleep with others on the side the weekends I couldn't come up, and would tell me about it. Then I went to Romania for 2 months to do volunteer work and we would write each other emails how much we miss each other, and when I got back he brought up the topic of relationships and said he wouldn't mind being in one with me but wasn't quite ready yet.

But as a couple of months went on, one night he called me and said he agreed to go on a date with someone and apologised and wanted to know how I felt about it - because we weren't officially together and I didn't want to smother him I told him he had every right to, then he said we'll discuss it more that weekend. So after a long bus, train and tram ride to his place he tells me as soon as I get in the door that the date went well and there will be more and I got upset and then he got upset about me being upset and then I got upset more seeing him upset, it was pretty depressing and he ended up basically kicking me out because he thought it would be better if i were home while he figured stuff out, then we spoke on the internet and I told him exactly how I felt about him and how I felt used, and he said he was conflicted and give him time, then about an hour later he rang me in tears saying he made a mistake and wanted me back and it would be stupid to throw away what we had and to try for a relationship. I thought okay I'll give him a second chance, that following weekend I was still shaken up so I told him i couldn't come and so the weekend later I came up and it was like it never happened, only he then tells me saturday that he likes the things the way they are now, that he still wants to fuck around and that he's still conflicted with this other guy, and I just thought - wait, you said you chose me, now you take it all back? But i was too scared to say anything, and the whole time there I just felt like I was being compared to this other guy, and on the way home I just felt so depressed and messed up (hat sinking heartbreaking feeling) It hurts to be with him now and it hurts to be without him and I should tell him but I don't want to start something and i've been hurt way too many times before in the past, I'm kicking myself for letting it happen again
 
He said that he's had a crush on this other guy for a while, I just wanted to make him proud of me but it seems that I just got a big fat unfair slap to the face
 
Honestly, judging by your description, he seems like a fairly immature person who doesn't have any idea what he wants in life. Sounds like he genuinely likes you, but isn't really clear on how much, and whether you're the only one he likes. If you have serious feelings for him, and want something stable, I think you owe it to yourself to stop seeing him, cause he obviously can't provide that.

Or you can not listen to anyone and do what feels right. Just remember - he is the one fucking around. You don't owe him anything.
 
It appears to me, from what you've described, he's not ready to settle-down with anyone. He wants you for emotional needs and the occasional fuck, but he still want the physical needs for others.

Continue seeing him if you want. Though, don't expect anything more than was is already.

In the meantime, why not look for others yourself? You've your week-nights free, so go out and meet some new guys.
 
Start seeing other guys. You can still be his fuck buddy if you want. But don't put your life on hold because of him.
 
When he got all emotional it seemed like he wanted a relationship he just didn't know who, here's a transcript from the conversation we had online that night

Him: god I am so sorry and feeling like utter shit. I'm so conflicted and that I've hurt you is killing me

Me: I know it's probably being over dramatic but I feel used and that all we had was nothing

Him: its not over dramatic. and it definitely wasn't nothing, nor was it in anyway your fault and I don't want you to think it was. for all I knew you and I were just sleeping together and hanging out, like a friends with benefits situation and I care for you a lot I asked you in Grill'd that time if you wanted more and you said you weren't ready for a relationship

Me: you said you weren't ready for a relationship, you made that pretty clear so I didn't say anything cause it didn't mattered what i thought

Him: of course it mattered what you thought. I wanted to know what you wanted, thats why I brought it up. I'm finally starting to move on from my ex
and I find out a guy I fancied likes me too. I didn't know how much it was going to hurt you and now that I know I feel so depressed and as I type this I'm starting to tear up
I'm so torn inside
I think I need a couple of weeks to work out what the hell I want and I'm so angry at myself for putting us in this situation
I love spending time with you. I love having you come up on weekends and doing things with you. I'm so conflicted and it hurts

Me: when I met you for the first time in my life I had found this great guy who I was happy with, I was actually happy for change, ever since I can't remember when, I had found some one who I could share my life with, who I could count on and talk to, I mattered to someone but now it's like I wasn't good enough.... again

Him: I didn't know you felt that way about me. as I go through all this I just get more and more conflicted and I don't know who I want.
*hug*
I have to sort out my feelings and work out what and who I want. I've never been in this situation before and I didn't know how you felt toward me. I knew there was affection I just didn't know how strong. believe me its killing me putting you in this situation and I'm so so sorry
me: i think i'm gonna go to bed

Him: ok. give me some time to figure out what I want. please don't give up on me yet

then I pretended to be asleep and ignored all his phone calls, but then he sent me this sms message

"please answer I really need to talk to you about something. I think I've come to a decision and it's you I want in my life if you still want me. Please answer"

So then I answered the next call and he was in tears and said he wanted to try for a relationship then then two weeks later when I came up to visit him that's when it was back to square one, grrrr argh
 
Classic mistake; telling a person what you think they want to hear. So often, it comes down to one partner making a decision based on untrue things said. You've got to always be clear in what you want. You can only work on your end of the relationship, not both ends.
 
MoltenRock III said:
Classic mistake; telling a person what you think they want to hear. So often, it comes down to one partner making a decision based on untrue things said. You've got to always be clear in what you want. You can only work on your end of the relationship, not both ends.
Click to expand...

I'm confused, who made the mistake?
 
I am confused because he said he does not want a relationship with you because he wanted to figure things out but then he goes on a date with someone else? That is just mean!

In all honesty in this situation, I would lay all the cards out on the table and let him choose. If he says he still wants to mess around with other people and not be exclusive, then you owe it to yourself to walk away because he will only take advantage of the situation and you will most likely end up getting hurt. Good luck and let us know what happens.
 
NSX577 said:
I am confused because he said he does not want a relationship with you because he wanted to figure things out but then he goes on a date with someone else? That is just mean!
Click to expand...

Exactly, I think thats what hurt the most. I didn't have too much of a problem with him fucking other guys, that hurt a little but I accepted thats the way things were and that I was visiting more often than the others anyway, that he cared about me more, and I would have thought that when he was ready for a relationship he'll bring it up again, but yeah out of the blue he was ready for a relationship with someone else like I wasn't good enough for him anymore
 
Oh love - damn it just makes things awkward at times. Sorry for your situation Glori, but you have been through previously. Try to keep yourself together and move on - damn shame though because it is so hard ot find someone you really connect with. Wishing you all the best for the future, good luck. G :)
 
HunterM said:
Start seeing other guys. You can still be his fuck buddy if you want. But don't put your life on hold because of him.
Click to expand...

^^^^^^
This is a great piece of advice it sounds to me that the guy wants his cake and to eat it at the same time .
For some guys having fuck-buddies rather than a single relationship is what they
want and are happy with and there is nowt wrong with that.
Other guys just want that special someone , again nowt wrong with that .
Though i think that if you do continue to see this guy , when you are not around
his dick will be .
Though in fairness he has not hidden anything but told you what he has been up
to when you are not around .
I really dont envy the position you are in i think it will be damned if you do and damned if you dont , sorry buddy . :(
 
glorificus said:
I'm confused, who made the mistake?
Click to expand...

You both did buddy , Molten has hit the nail on the head , you both liked each other so you both modulated your language so that it was pleasing for the
other guy to hear .
Though i have to admit that my gut is telling me that you may be being played
for the sex and fun that he has with you.
Again sorry dude. :(
 
You are being played by this guy. For someone who doesn't "bother" with a younger age bracket, this guy certainly is very immature for his age. A man should know what he wants when it's time to decide. You told him it's time to decide and instead he wants to fool around with multiple guys and get a second high of dating someone else in addition to you. You have the disadvantage of being long distance whereas his other sex buddies are much closer. This isn't going anywhere except to more heartache. I think even eventually he will choose the other guy over you and tell you that things are over so he can pursue a relationship with someone else.

Unless you set your standards high for a relationship in the beginning, this is all you are going to get out of a FWB situation. Sex and a timeline. You get great sex for a certain period of time: weeks, months, and if you're lucky, years. However, you have no hold over the other person and you are going to have to expect that one of you will move on once the excitement of the sex has faded. Friendships and relationships based on sex never last.
 
He can't make up his mind, so you have to make up your mind.

What do you want?

Do you want a committed, monogamous relationship?

Can this guy provide it?

The irony is that he was worried that you were the young and immature one. He's proven that age and maturity aren't necessarily the same thing.
 
This guy is dramatic ! him callin u and askin u whether he could go on a date with someone else is clearly him seeking attention..in my opinion .. if u like him a lot . just pretend like u dont care about him .. and he`ll come back crawling !!! ughhh i hate those type of guys !
 
Live your authentic self. If you like him, tell him. If you don't like him, tell him.

Don't be a doormat.
Don't play mind games.
Don't play "pretend." When you play "pretend", the probability of misunderstanding is a lot greater.

If you cannot be your authentic self, then you need to work on your self confidence. If you two don't hit if off as a couple, move on to the next guy. It's called dating. It's not like you are marrying him for life.
 
HunterM said:
Live your authentic self. If you like him, tell him. If you don't like him, tell him.

Don't be a doormat.
Don't play mind games.
Don't play "pretend." When you play "pretend", the probability of misunderstanding is a lot greater.

If you cannot be your authentic self, then you need to work on your self confidence. If you two don't hit if off as a couple, move on to the next guy. It's called dating. It's not like you are marrying him for life.
Click to expand...

It's pretty obvious I did like him, otherwise I wouldn't be this hurt, I wouldn't just travel so far every weekend just for a shag. But I can't be with him anymore if he can't make up his mind, if he said he wants me and takes it back, I can't be with him watching him wanting to be with someone else, just waiting in limbo wondering how long before he tells me it's over
 
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