So JB18 could use some advice.

[Just_Believe18]

This is a two-part thread. The first half provides background information as to where I stand in life, the other, the specific situation. If you don't want to read everything, just skip down to the second half.

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As you know, I've been a member of this community for years, and an active participant in the forum. All of you are amazing individuals and this is (in my opinion, don't tell CE&P), the best forum of the whole site. I'm glad to be part of you. So, here's my situation.

I was in a very long relationship for years up until recently. It's a heartbreak that I can never reveal publicly; however, all I will say is I can't imagine a far worse way for a relationship to die.

Since then, I have tried to recover and find myself. Oh, by the way, I never did see that beautiful guy at the gym again. I don't know what happened. I went to every grocery store brand he worked at but never saw him. Oh well.

I've been meeting a lot of new people and making friends. I find it difficult to join mainstream gay life. The rebound "slutty" phase is not for me. Anyway, a few weeks ago I met someone I liked it. But then I found out he was "playing the field" and I was someone else when he was seeing another guy. So to be "fair to the other guy," he felt it would be best not to see me anymore. I've been learning quickly to take a pessimistic view of men now that I'm truly single for the first time.

I'm also at a crossroads in life. I have finished my college education and am ready to begin my career. I could stay in the NW, where I am close to a metropolitan area full of gay men and potential. Or, I could go back to my hometown, where all my family is but the chances to meet men are vastly limited. I have to make this decision to wherever I am hired. Ultimately, I can stay in the NW for a couple years more, but eventually I must decide between family hometown, or metro gay life.

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So recently, I've met someone else. He's around my age, cute red-head, average build. The most amazing thing about him is how much we have in common. Movies, games, politics. We think very much alike. He will mention something and I will know exactly what he's talking about.

I have a crush on him. And he likes me too. We haven't done anything serious yet, but it's heading that way. Here's the catch, though. He's a world traveler. What is so admiring about him is his greatest vice. He's traveled all over Europe, Africa, Asia. Part of his career goal is to join the UN. He's actually out of state right now for two weeks, and will be traveling to South America for a language immersion program in August.

So you know what my dilemma is. Is a relationship possible? I can handle him being gone for South America for 3 months, but he's coming back only for 2 and then leaving again. I like him, and he likes me. It's rare to find someone you have so much in common with. But am I just setting myself up for heartache? I want a relationship again, but is that possible under the circumstances?

We haven't had a "talk" yet. Most likely, he's wondering the same thing. He likes me, but he's not sure if he's capable of handling a relationship that balances his international traveling life.

Maybe I am being too premature about wanting a relationship. But I miss loving someone and being intimately attached to them. I don't want the single, swinger life of hook-ups and sex but at the same time, I can't stand being alone. Gay friends are nice, but when they're already coupled or are trying to find their own boyfriends, they tend to put you as a low priority.

 

[rareboy]

Just enjoy it for what it is as long as it works for the two of you.

What a shame to miss out on the time together if you really enjoy one another's company.

As far as relationship goes, you both have to just decide whether it would have to be exclusive or inclusive. Even in the latter case, where you are both free to also see others, you may have a much deeper bond with one another than with other friends....but if you only see him a few months each year and can't figure out a way to travel and live together, I doubt if either of you will be entirely happy in an exclusive realtionship.

I would also say that you should move to wherever you think you would be happiest and most likely to be fulfilled at work or socially. Without knowing the exact cities, it is hard to say what my own preference would be.

 

[KaraBulut]

For the time-being, enjoy the continuous homecomings and the joy of trying to cram a weeks' worth of sex into a day.

If this is going to work for the long term, one of the two of you is going to have to change priorities. It will eventually become a question of work versus relationship. If one of you doesn't compromise, the romantic part of the relationship will run its course.

 

[EvilForce]

But I miss loving someone and being intimately attached to them. I don't want the single, swinger life of hook-ups and sex but at the same time, I can't stand being alone.

Normally I would say "go for it". But your statement of "I can't stand being alone" is very disconcerting. Long distance relationships can and do work for some people. However, for them to work you have to be independent and be able to cope, and enjoy your life apart.

A.) That tells me you need to work on your own "alone" issues.

B.) If you don't deal with this issue, and decide to pursue the relationship further, you will be miserable, and probably jealous and angry at him the whole time he's gone. If you don't deal with your issues your brain will be screaming internally: "How can he do this to you?" "If he truly loved you, he'd come home. He's enough for me, why can't I be enough for him?" "I bet he's over in _________ cheating on me". On and on.

 

[Lube]

1. If there's little opportunity to find a partner in your home town, don't go back--yet. Find someone in the NW who wouldn't mind moving to a (small?) town and then move back together. Of course, I'm not guaranteeing how long it will take you to find someone who wants to live in a small town...

2. You sound like you would be miserable in a long-distance relationship, and you don't sound like the type who wants an open relationship. I think you would ultimately be very unhappy most of the time.

I'd cool it off with him. Now. You don't want to get any more attached than you already are.

 

[Centexfarmer]

First off I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your relationship.

Sometimes change is good, but not when it's unexpected, and sometimes unresolved, and especially when it was an aspect of your life that you no longer felt that you had to worry about.

Okay, so these are the points that I've gleaned from your request here:

• Single again, but living near a large Metro area with a vibrant Gay Population.
• Move back home, and you'll be vastly limiting your chances to meet a guy.
• Met a new guy, but he's constantly on the move.

Couple all of that with the fact that you've recently graduated from College, and you seem to be at a loss as to where to go, and what you should do.

My Grandma would have called that a "pickle."

Not a place that envy being in, but then again I too have made some choices that I'm not too happy with the outcome over.

First off try to be a little more open minded about your options, and the possibilities that may be there in the choices that you're presented with.

Here's the one thing in your request that really sticks out:

I can't stand being alone.

You've already acknowledged that this new guy is a "crush," and a crush never quite equals love.

You could very well be setting yourself up for heartache if you allow yourself to get anymore attached to this guy. He sounds like a really great person to be friends with, and considering how you already know what his future plans are, the next question would be, what are yours?

Probably the best advice that I can give you, is to not be so quick to "replace" what you feel like you have lost.

Your young, handsome, intelligent, articulate, and at some point you had some plans of your own. Can you remember what they were?

There's a chance that you can continue to pursue your own plans, and I'd recommend not moving back to your hometown, unless you require the support of your family. While at the same time staying in touch with this guy, but only as a friend. If something further develops, he'll know where he can find you.

Would whatever career/job/vocation that is included in your plans be "portable." Would you be able to "relocate" wherever he might land in life? Are you willing to put your life, love life included on hold until he does land somewhere? These are some pretty big questions.

The most important question, that my best-friend encourages me to ask myself when I'm at a cross-road in life, "What does your heart tell you to do?"

Know the answer to that question, and you'll be on your way to answering the other questions in your life right now. Even if it's to decide to not follow your heart, and to do what your mind says is the best thing for you right now.

I hope that some of my words have helped.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Hey thanks, Centex, rareboy, and you guys for your support.

You caught onto my phrase, "I can't stand being alone." I know, I need to work on those alone issues. But I've been trying these last few months, and the pain is only intensifying because college has ended and I have more free time. My thoughts turn to my past relationship. I literally have nightmares about its ending night after night. I was given no closure, and I am suffering for it. I wouldn't say I'm seeking a "rebound" but finding someone I can focus my thoughts and attention to seems healthier than being melancholy by myself; at least until I start working again.

That being said, it appears clearer an on/off long distance relationship like this would be difficult. Not only am I still recovering from my last one, but my emotions will be even in more distress if the person I like (or come to love) is gone all the time. But at the same time, how often do you really connect well with someone and not just dismissing their contrasting interests and vices simply because they're attractive and available?

I thought I knew what my original plans were, Centex. But being single changed all that. I could stay here or go back. I don't know. I miss my family but I don't see myself happy going back unless I found someone there. So my heart can't tell me what to do because it doesn't know itself.

 

[Centexfarmer]

<snip>

I thought I knew what my original plans were, Centex. But being single changed all that. I could stay here or go back. I don't know. I miss my family but I don't see myself happy going back unless I found someone there. So my heart can't tell me what to do because it doesn't know itself.

What changed? How are your plans any different alone, as they were with someone?

I was in love, and the person that I loved, loved me in return. We made plans that involved moving out of the city, start an organic farming operation, and restoring 1965-1972 Ford Mustangs on the side.

We got to the selling everything in the city, and moving to the country part, but one night he disappeared, and I haven't seen or spoken with him since. When I found him days later, I discovered that he was hopelessly addicted to crystal meth, and other circumstances arose that effectively ended our dreams of ever being together.

I never got any closure either, and doubt that I ever will.

You seem to be holding up much better than I did so I'll share what a friend shared with me at the time.

You need to find something else to focus your life on.

I went through a "slutty" phase, and dated a few guys and slept around a bit, but nothing could fill that emptiness that I was feeling inside.

Frankly, in my experience, I've learned that it's better to come to terms being alone, and enjoying my own company than in looking for someone else to fill that void. I've found that I have so much more to offer someone, than being with someone just because I allow them to occupy all of my time.

Go out into the world, and become the person you want to be with. Stand tall, and know that as alone as you may be feeling right now, you're not alone.

All of us have these feelings from time to time, we just can't allow ourselves to be consumed by those feelings.

I'd rather be alone and marginally happy, than in a relationship with someone that I can't share a life with because one or both of us have nothing to truly offer each other beyond the fact that we call each "boyfriend."

So we're back to another question, what are you going to do about it?

 

[Just_Believe18]

Thank you Centex and Smont for your advice. I've decided to take your advice and not to over-analyze the situation by assuming a relationship. I've posted a new thread as an update.

 

[rareboy]

You caught onto my phrase, "I can't stand being alone." I know, I need to work on those alone issues. But I've been trying these last few months, and the pain is only intensifying because college has ended and I have more free time. My thoughts turn to my past relationship. I literally have nightmares about its ending night after night. I was given no closure, and I am suffering for it.

I certainly appreciate your anxiety in not having closure because of the way a relationship ended. Years ago, when I was dumped by a partner, I had waking and sleeping nightmares and anxiety for many months.

Until I realized that I was most upset about not having control over the way things ended. And that I was angry, but didn't have a way to express it.

And then I realized that I was now totally in control of what happened next and that I needed to work toward indifference. It took some months of talking it through with others but gradually indifference took over from the anger and ultimately even forgiveness.

I think that if you share your concerns with someone you have some feelings for, that will clear the air about whether this is just rebound or something more. I would agree though, that while you may have a relationship of some kind with this new guy, best to allow yourselves the freedom to enjoy it for what it is than burdening it with expectations that may only lead to unecessary pain.

I somehow doubt from what I read in your posts that you are ultimately going to end up alone or lonely. I just don't think you've had enough time to complete your healing process yet and might still be feeling that your confidence in decision making is still wobbly.

On the moving front, I think you always need to remember that you can always visit family, but your first priority in choosing a place to live should be where you think you will have the most enjoyable career and personal life. Also remember that nothing need be permanent; you aren't required to serve a life sentence in any one place.

 

[CSI_3Stokes]

Live free and die hard.

 

[andyroux]

Just wondering Just_believe18, what did you ultimately decide?

i find myself in a similar situation, and neither of us know what to do....

 

[Just_Believe18]

Hey Andy. Unfortunately, I am not in a relationship with this guy. I ultimately ended up dating another guy for 2 months. I wanted to be friends with the Traveler guy, but he felt like all the times we were together was for "romantic" reasons, and that hanging out again just as friends would feel awkward for him. He's in South America right now and won't be back for another month. If I am not seeing anyone again, I'm hoping to reconnect with him.

In reflection, I'm glad we're not in a relationship right now. It is not easy to jump into a new relationship with someone who is traveling all the time. Although I like him a lot, I can't dictate what he wants to do with his life. If he decides to settle down in the city, then we can pursue something. But this time being in another relationship and single has been very important to my growth as a person.