So my cousin told me he's an escort

[easyroad]

(Different cousin than this, by the way)

I'm very nervous about this and could really use some advice.

Last night I was using Facebook and I found this cousin of mine. I didn't even know he had an account, but many people in my family added him. He's always nice to me and I like him, so I added him as a friend.

This morning he accepted my request and sent me a message saying he wants to talk to me, giving me his number and asking me to call him. I said "sure" and gave him my number too. But when I called him, he said (his voice was a bit edgy) that it was because he saw a Facebook friend of mine and thought it was someone he knew, but turned out it wasn't. I said OK and the conversation ended.

But then, he called me back and I could definitely notice how nervous he was. He begged me not to tell anyone and dropped the bomb on me: he's doing some escorting on the side, some of them with guys, and he thinks he might be bi. He shared with me because I had an "open mind". (I'm not out to him, by the way)

I never imagined he might be bi. Well, I tried not to. He was very attractive, but also very straight in words and action and always had girlfriends. We didn't have much contact, so it was easy not to think too much about him.

So far, so good. I promised to never tell anyone and said that I'm available whenever he wants to talk. He said he wanted to meet me in person, that it would be better than talking through the phone, which is very true. I would if I could, but we live too far from each other and neither of us have cars.

However, close to the end of the conversation, he said that he could set me up with some of his friends - and that's what made my alarm ring. I treated it as if he was joking, but after hanging up, I realized it was a mistake. What if he's after my money? What if he owes money to people and he's getting desperate? These are bad thoughts, but it's possible.

So I called him back to make it clear that I want to talk because I care about him and I want to be helpful, not because of any interest in scheduling anything. He agreed, said that he wanted to talk, but insisted on setting me up later. He lowered his voice, I lowered mine, and I could feel he was in serious need. He also said good-bye with a kiss, and I sent one back before realizing how odd it sounded.

There are a few reasons I'm nervous. One of them is that I don't know how to be helpful to him. I'm not exactly experienced enough to be a mentor. I'm out to my parents, sister and a few close friends. Since the other thread I made quite a few gay friends, but I'm still not much of a part of the gay scene, never went to a gay club or anything. And I never had sex with anyone ever. (I'm 25)

Also, I'm still uncertain about his intentions. He was pushing me toward his friends a bit too much. There's a possibility that this is a money issue as much as anything else. How do I help him then? Specially without telling anyone?

And I had a feeling that even both us getting together would be fair game.

And, to be honest, I totally would

(He has a nice body and I'm a 25-year-old virgin. Bad combination)

But I don't want to do it if it would undermine my ability to give him the help he needs - and I DEFINITELY don't want to buy him.

That's about it. I hope you guys can help me...

 

[Seasoned]

It's hard to tell from what you wrote that he's in need of help except for wanting to confide in you. Are you afraid he's trying to pimp for you?

 

[easyroad]

It's hard to tell from what you wrote that he's in need of help except for wanting to confide in you.

That's true, he never literally asked for help. But I'm sure it must be difficult to be in this situation without telling anyone, so I made sure he knew that I'd be there for him if he needed anything.

(also, english is not my first language, so if anything isn't clear, feel free to ask me)

Are you afraid he's trying to pimp for you?

That he's trying to sell me into paying for an escort, yes.

 

[HunterM]

That he's trying to sell me into paying for an escort, yes.

Just because he suggested does not mean you have to obey him. Anybody can suggest anything to anyone. Just because your local store has a sale to attract more business does not mean you have to go buy things you don't need.

Remember, you are in control of your own life. You can say no or you can say yes. It is your own choice. You can tell him, "I'm not interested in escorting or paying for an escort."

 

[Ninja108]

He can suggest anything he wants,you don't have to follow him.

 

[Benvolio]

My guess is that he knows or believes that you are gay and wants you to admit it. He also is uncertain of his own sexuality, and is suggesting that he would like to explore it with you.

 

[easyroad]

Thanks HunterM and Ninja108! I now realize how silly of me it was to worry about this.

My guess is that he knows or believes that you are gay and wants you to admit it. He also is uncertain of his own sexuality, and is suggesting that he would like to explore it with you.

Hmm, makes sense. I'm kinda curious to know which of my friends he knows...

After sleeping on this, I gave much thought about what to discuss with him. My main concern is what led him to escorting, which could be either of these two things (or even both):

1) Exploring his sexuality;
2) Income needs.

If it's number 1, I'll say that the world is better now than it was 10 years ago, and that there are better (and safer) ways to explore his sexuality.

I'm worried about number 2, though. He was never very good in school and changed colleges two times already. It's possible that he doesn't think he can get a degree and find a steady job, so he's relying on escort as a main source of income. If that's the case, I want to talk him out of it. But maybe he's using it to pay for college, which is not so bad...

Well, It's all assumptions on my part, I'll only know when I meet him in person. My main concern is to not be judgmental. I want to approach this the right way.

 

[Seasoned]

Try to be understanding and not judgemental. That way, if he needs or wants help you can be there for him without pushing him away. I would guess there are sex workers who would rather be doing something else, but that means there are others that like the work and the money. if you wish to offer him support don't sound like a parent.

Don't allow him to push you into anything you don't want for yourself.

After you see him let us know the situation.

Your English is perfect, by the way.

 

[inputpower1]

Where does he live? I'll try him out for you and let you know how it goes.

 

[easyroad]

OK, so I decided to wait a few days before trying to schedule a conversation, but he's unreachable on his cellphone and is now apparently avoiding me on Facebook (he sees my messages but he's not answering). So I asked him to let me know when he wants me to call him again. In the meantime, I'll avoid trying to talk to him. Let's see where this goes.

 

[easyroad]

He deleted his Facebook account. Something's wrong.

Not entirely sure if it's because of me, but it's too much coincidence.

Should I try to reach him or give him some space?

 

[Seasoned]

I'd try to reach him just to ask if he's ok.

 

[easyroad]

Yeah, it was naive of me to think he deleted his account. I thought about it and came to a better conclusion: he blocked me.

It might be that he doesn't feel like he has enough privacy on Facebook (maybe he uses his parents' PC or something), but if it's not that, then I'm confused. I thought he wanted to talk. Why did he tell me all of this then?

 

[andy0303]

the dude is obviously trying to use you, he wants only your money.. since you're not interested on meeting up with his escort friends then it means he wont get money from you which mainly the reason why he contacted you that's explains why he's preventing you now.. I also think he's trying to flirt with you because he thinks maybe you are down for hiring him..

 

[Benvolio]

the dude is obviously trying to use you, he wants only your money.. since you're not interested on meeting up with his escort friends then it means he wont get money from you which mainly the reason why he contacted you that's explains why he's preventing you now.. I also think he's trying to flirt with you because he thinks maybe you are down for hiring him..

I think he knows that you are gay, since other members of the family know. He opened up to you, but you kept your secret, Now, he feels embarrassed, foolish, used, betrayed, and wishes he had not been open with you. He is afraid you will spread it around. He does not want to talk with you again because the subject of his escorting and bisexuality may come up. He hopes you will forget it. If you get a chance, I think you should assure him that you have not told anyone about what he told you and you will never tell. Beyond that there is not much you can do until he wants to meet again.

 

[easyroad]

the dude is obviously trying to use you, he wants only your money.. since you're not interested on meeting up with his escort friends then it means he wont get money from you which mainly the reason why he contacted you that's explains why he's preventing you now..

Yeah, this is now back to being a possibility. It's on the top of the list. Except I don't think he's flirting with me anymore.

I think he knows that you are gay, since other members of the family know. He opened up to you, but you kept your secret, Now, he feels embarrassed, foolish, used, betrayed, and wishes he had not been open with you. He is afraid you will spread it around. He does not want to talk with you again because the subject of his escorting and bisexuality may come up. He hopes you will forget it. If you get a chance, I think you should assure him that you have not told anyone about what he told you and you will never tell. Beyond that there is not much you can do until he wants to meet again.

I see your point, but here's the thing: when we talked before, we both agreed that it's not good to have this kind of conversation through the phone. Just because I didn't say I was gay then, doesn't mean it's a betrayal. In fact, I was planning on sharing a lot of things about me in great detail, including my coming out story, and that would be much better to do in a private setting and in person. Back then, he really wanted to talk. But now that I have the possibility to schedule something, he's trying to avoid me?

Also: yesterday we had a party at my father's house and his parents were there (his father is my father's brother). He was supposed to come, his parents said he didn't want to. My sister called him (successfully, I might add) and insisted he'd come, he said he would go but never did. Other things like this will come and he can't run forever.

I do think we both need closure. All I want to know is why he told me that. He gives me the answer, I'll guarantee to him that I'll never tell anyone and we'll go our separate ways.

 

[Benvolio]

You did not betray him, BUT does he feel betrayed? He opened up but you did not. You should promise unconditionally not to tell. You should not make it conditioned upon his revealing why he told you. If he did, he would need to reveal more than he has and regrets.

 

[easyroad]

You did not betray him, BUT does he feel betrayed? He opened up but you did not. You should promise unconditionally not to tell. You should not make it conditioned upon his revealing why he told you. If he did, he would need to reveal more than he has and regrets.

I didn't mean to imply it was a condition. I promised in that first phonecall never to tell anyone and I kept that promise. I didn't even tell my friends. Only told you guys because it's highly unlikely that he'll ever find this forum (he doesn't speak english, for starters).

What I meant is that, if my reinforcement of that promise is the closure he needs, then I'll be happy to give it.

 

[Benvolio]

There appears nothing you can do except leave him alone until he changes his mind. His actions make more sense if he was told that you are gay--perhaps by your sister to whom you are out. You might ask her if your cousin knows you are gay.

 

[easyroad]

So I met with him today and everything's fine! Feels a bit too good to be true, actually...

Turns out he did delete his account. He had suspicions that one of his ex-girlfriends was spying on it. He sent me a message asking me to call him and we met this morning.

I was completely wrong about him: he's not insecure at all, he knows what he's doing. He's after money but also wants to explore his sexuality. He's equally into women, trans-women and men. He wanted to see if there was any friend of mine who would be interested.

I ended up sharing more about myself, and that I was attracted to him. I didn't even remember that, but he brought up one time when we were playing snooker - I got a bit too close and he pretended not to care ("We should have done more", he said. Fuuuuuck).

At first I resisted the idea of doing stuff with him, but as we talked I started to think it's not that bad. I'm willing, he's willing, we're both adults. And it's better to do it with someone close to me than with a stranger.

But I know it would be a bad idea to keep this up for too long. So it'll be just a few times. Let's hope it all goes well.

I guess that's it for now. Thank you so much for your help!