So...

[TiledFloor]

Tonight i told someone...well they worked it out. Well... we were talking and she asked me a question and something inside of me told me i could trust her so i answered honestly... and she said "Honey, are you gay?" and i replied with a yes. And then we spent time talking about it and now i...well

its not as if i hate the fact i told someone.. it just feels weird. Almost like It hasn't hit me as hard as i thought it would. However i am deathly afraid that she might tell someone by accident and then i honestly don't know what i would do. I honestly (right now) don't think i'll ever get to a place in my life where i will come out because i am too afraid of the repercussions you know? So what do i do now? Now that i have this weird feeling inside?

 

[medic1]

It can be really hard coming out for many reasons,why did you not tell her you
were bisexual?
If it is raelly worrying you why not have a quite chat with your friend and explain
what you have posted here ,explain that she is the only one who knows for sure(because m8 you must have done something or doing something that piqued her interest to ask)
I wish you all the best take care.

 

[HunterM]

why did you not tell her you
were bisexual?
|

If anyone else ask, tell them you're bisexual. Leave it at that.

What are the repercussions that you're afraid of? If we have more insights, we may be able to advise you better.

 

[TiledFloor]

Ok let me explain and go into detail...sorry i was so shitty on the details i was just afraid of really talking about it. But here...


So for years i guess i've known i was gay/bisexual/curious/questioning. And i mean, i have never let myself get into a relationship. I've never wanted to go into one at all... i mean i've had flings and just girls that i have hung out with and made out with and i guess you could say they were my girlfriend but i never have considered them one myself. So anyway, long story short i have hidden my feelings from myself and from the world and decided to live in fear of it i guess. I call myself Bisexual because i know that i want kids... a lot. And for the longest time i thought that i needed a wife to have kids and be happy, but now we're moving on to a point where we don't need a wife to have kids.

So i was talking to my friend over dinner and we're talking and i explain that i don't really know what kinda sexual orientation i am and she asked me if i would hook up with a girl and i thought about it and i said i would hook up with one in public but not in private... then i said out of no-where that it is the opposite for men. And a BIG smile came across her face and she said "my friend, i think you're gay". And i thought i would be angry or upset at someone knowing... but there was just nothing apart from her putting a name to what it was i already knew but hadn't acknowledged.

My problem is i know i won't do anything with a guy in public unless its socially acceptable because otherwise i would be afraid of the repercussions of those around me. Now the other problem is that i never had any intention of coming out to anyone or sharing what i thought to anyone at any stage of my life. I just always thought i would find some woman and have kids and live in silence. But now she is telling me i need to go out there and experience live, well the gay life. And i want to do that but it kinda scares me as well... i just honestly wish i knew what it is that i'm feeling and what i should do... because right now i just feel nothing... just fear.

So there are a few more details for you... hope it helps, i don't think i left anything out... if there is something more you need to know then i can try and help you there but... yeah... help? haha

 

[TiledFloor]

OH and she said she won't tell anyone and i think she is telling the truth... but it still doesn't fail to freak me out or scare me a little bit... =/

 

[HunterM]

I have to agree with Reone on not marrying a woman so you could have kids. It's not fair to her in thinking that you love her and want to build a family with her...unless you disclose with her up front. "Hey honey, I want to marry you so you could be my baby factory. That's it." You will be miserable in that comitted relationship scenario without being in an open relationship with her.

We're living in 2010. You can have your own flesh and blood kids through a surrogate. Just ask Ricky Martin.

 

[TiledFloor]

What repercussions are you afraid of? Is it your family, or people in general?

Well both if i am honest. I'm just scared of everything that i know now... changing and the people not accepting. A few of my friends have mentioned some homophobic things so i'm not sure on that part... and my mom keeps asking me if i have a girlfriend yet so she either suspects or... really wants me to be with someone?

I don't know about you, but when I think of this it sounds absolutely miserable

And yeah i know it sounds miserable, and my thoughts on the matter have changed/are changing... its just i never thought about anything else apart from having a kid with a woman, and in fact i didn't even know Ricky Martin had his kid that way until someone told me literally like an hour before i read your reply HunterM.

If you live with homophobic parents then obviously coming out will be more of an issue than if you had accepting parents.

And yeah on the subject of this, my mom always seemed kinda accepting of it but my Dad has always made remarks, and its the same with my sister... she makes these remarks about how its not natural and would leave the room if two men kiss on TV or something... so... i really don't know what to do. I don't know if my fear is taking over everything so that i can't see what i need to do.. or?

OH and legit someone nearly saw me writing this (stupid to write a reply with someone else in the room i know but they only just came in here and went to look at the screen) and my heart has never raced so much in my life... i'm actually shaking with fear that they saw something... they didn't say anything, but again... i just get scared of people finding out and then thinking i'm this different person you know? That somehow i've changed even though i'm the same as i was 10 minutes before when we were joking around... Why can't there be an easy way to this?? haha

but thanks for the reply! =]

 

[TiledFloor]

Yeah, thats true... i make remarks i don't mean ALL the time haha. And i would come out to my friends, but i just don't see them (well some of them) as completely accepting. I think in their eyes i would somehow physically change and become this other person.

I think that the fear that you have might also play a role in that as well. I was very afraid too, and in my head all of the people that I loved became evil really..the fear I had built them up into very mean people, and I just knew that they would dump me when I came out. But that didn't happen.

Well thats refreshing, i'm glad none of that happened i've heard so many BAD coming out stories that have fed into my fear its rediculous... stories about how families kick them out disown them... i want to hear a nice one for a change haha

How you handle it is really up to you, and it really depends on what kind of friends you have. You'll never know unless you give them a chance, though.

Yeah... i know... but its the leap of faith, and sometimes i feel like the leap is worse than the fall. If that metaphor makes any kind of sense

You've given me a lot to think about, and you've actually made me want to come out sooner rather than later. Although i'm still shit scared if i get it over with then the quicker everything will go back to normal (no??) thats my logic anyway haha. I will let you know how things go... i know that there are some people i am definatly not going to tell but i may open up to a few more people... if i do i will let you know... and i'll choose wisely haha. So again thanks =]

Oh and a quick sidenote - your signature is Wasted Daylight no? I mean, i think it is... its just broken up... right?

 

[csm123]

Hi Tilledfloor

You sound to be in the same position i was in with family except i have a brother rather than sister.I unfortunataly lost my mum who i knew would be acepting but when i told my brother he didnt care at all.Then it came to telling a rather homophobic dad,who just basicly said it was my choice and he didnt care as long as i was happy.I corrected him on the choice part,saying ive never had a choice,not that easy.This seemed to make him think about it,even to the point that when i saw him a few days later his welcome was a joking"at least your not hear to tell me you got a girl pregnant" and everything has been fine since.

Alot of families seem homophobic if they dont have any close contact with gay friends/family etc,this nearly always changes when thier own son/daughter comes out as they already know and love this person.Once they realize you are still you family often become outspoken on gay rights etc.


Good luck in coming out,but in my expierience the best way is to not make a big deal out of it and niether will the person your telling.

 

[RaZrBlayde]

your story is heart breaking, man. but you have to remember something. you make your own happiness, not someone else.

 

[TiledFloor]

It's up to you . I mean, you don't really have to disclose your sexuality to every person that knows your name anyhow. You decide how personal that information is.

Lmao... well i definitely wasn't planning on that I mean i can be out and proud but i don't have to shout about it. In fact i think the guys that do like to flaunt the fact they are gay is one of the reasons i get scared to come out because i'm not going to be like that and i feel some people may expect me to act like that

From what I was expecting though, it went really, really well . A definite happy ending. I still haven't brought a guy home, but we'll see how that goes in time .

Well im glad you had a good experience and yeah, i think that the first time that happens it will be awkward... i mean its awkward with anyone you bring home to your rentals because they know what you do with them behind closed doors haha

Definitely let me know how things go for you. I wish you the best.

WILL DO!! =]

Yes, I love Stars lol.."Wasted Daylight" is amazing .

I'm not going to lie to you and say i LOVE stars but i do like them... Fixed is my favorite song of theirs though... also side note i dunno if you know of her but i always thought that Amy Millan kinda sounds like Ellie Goulding...no?




And CSM123 thank you. Its always nice to know someone has been through what you're going through and came out on the other side still intact

your story is heart breaking, man. but you have to remember something. you make your own happiness, not someone else.

And i forsure remember this its just hard to do you know??

Part of me wonders if i should talk to my mom about it this christmas time... and the other part of me is wayyyyyyyy too scared to do that. I just want it to be over and done with so i don't have to think about it anymore. My friend that made me realise all of this wants to take me to a gay club this weekend so i can see the 'scene' i guess so ima get my boogie on but also be hella intimidated but everyone there. I just dont wanna look like its my first time but when i googled the club and saw the pictures... i know i will have a look of shock on my face the whole time. haha

 

[TiledFloor]

Ok so... there is something i left out of here that in reflection has a great deal to do with me not being out.

So... 7 months ago my best friend committed suicide. We had been friends since we were both 9 and there was nothing that really kept us apart. Now we never kissed or did anything like that at all... and as much as it pains me to say it... i was in love with him.. and i still am. He was everything i ever wanted in someone, and we grew up together and knew everything about each other... well nearly.

See i never told him i thought i could possibly be gay. But the strange thing is he told me. And he told two other people a month after that... and then it got around and he had to struggle with life after that. But things went back to normal and life carried on. Until he decided to end it... and i have no idea how or why but i definitely know that this has a big part to play in why i'm not out.

To this day i question whether he loved me as well and if i told him if i could have stopped him somehow... maybe that would have done something? Possibly? But then i think, no he had his mind made up and living in the past is the worst thing i can do... so i try not to. But i dunno... i just question why i never told him of all people... and if i didn't have the strength to tell him then what makes me sure i'll have the strength to tell anyone....?

but thats enough of the sadness... too many violins can be bad for you... back to the happy thoughts of coming out to my parents... and sister... and yeah... ok... maybe not too happy then haha

 

[csm123]

Hi again.

So sorry to hear about your friend,but please dont let this put alot of blame on your shoulders as you were his friend and would have helped to prevent this if you could.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but staying in the closet over this is just one of those excuses we all look for when faced with coming out.Hiding yourself wont help him but just make you miserable.You deserve your happiness.

Now that you are getting the urge to come out i am sure your confidence will grow and things will fall into place as those urges keep niggling until they start to take over.

Just come out at your own pace,to who you want.Once you are out you will wonder what stopped you for so long.

I know what a frightening position you are in,but remember alot of your thoughts are always "worst case cenorios"and hopefully will never happen.

Good luck

 

[TiledFloor]

I figured it was about time an update happened.

------------------------------------------------------------

So, its been a long time since i have said anything to a lot of you and reading this again makes me want to express my gratitude to all of you for your kind words. When i went home that Christmas i didn't speak to my Mom about it then, although i did drop hints. Enough apparently for her to ask me in January when i was back at college.
When she asked me i denied it, then two weeks later i brought it up with her again and we spoke at length and she said she had always known - i asked her not to tell my Dad or my Sister so she didn't, then after a few months had passed i got up the courage to tell my Dad and my Sister... they didn't care. They accepted me for who i was, to them i was no different. I was still the same person they had known and loved all these years.
So my coming out is a happy one, and for that i am SO relieved, i have realized that i have a lot of hang ups about my friend that i need to work through but that will come in time, losing a friend is a big deal. All i need is the time to process it all. I never gave myself that before so i am glad to have the opportunity to do it now. As far as my "love life" goes i am still single, I am also out to a lot more of my friends and again none of them cared. It surprised me how many of them honestly didn't care when i told them, it was surprising but they didn't care about it.
So again i owe you all a MASSIVE thank you for being there when i was so confused. And i am sorry it took me so long to update you, but i am glad i am able to do so with good news.

 

[MoltenRock III]

Your story and others are important for others to read and see that not only did life not end by coming out, but in fact got better. It adds credence to those of us that tell others to get out of the closet, and it's not nearly as big of deal as many closeted ones try to make it.

Congrats on your courage!

 

[Rolyo85]

Congrats, man It's always better to be out, in the end.