Solitude

[NotHardUp1]

My life has forced me to become a student of the aged and how people get there.

I have observed that the patterns we lay down in life become magnified in old age. Many of us have jobs that consume our schedules, but when we retire, we find that without that focus, we are not ourselves and we have time on our hands to worry, to analyze our fates, and to think of things we have not because we didn't have to earlier.

It is also common for those who are family centered to wind up with empty nests and with children who have relocated with careers, leaving fewer connections and a sense of loss.

Lastly, as a general rule, I have noted a lot of older people become brittle if not gregarious natured. Fewer and fewer people are seemingly worth meeting. Making concessions and whatnot for diverse people becomes less and less something that feels right. The annoyances begin to outweigh the benefits of companionship. The end is that friends and family die off or leave after spats and the circle grows small. Some people at that stage like it fine, while others regret the isolation but won't change for it to go away.

If I live to retire, I plan on finding some place to work part time, or volunteer, plus I want to take courses to be involved in formal learning. My sister called Sunday and she retired this year. She mentioned having bought some Great Courses but not really studied them yet. I told her that they are the opposite of what I like about learning. I'm fine with my own reading and research, but I love group interactions in class and even feel cheated when it is solely lecture without interaction and cross discussion. My own thoughts change and sharpen when in the fray.

 

[gsdx]

I'm fine with my own reading and research, but I love group interactions in class and even feel cheated when it is solely lecture without interaction and cross discussion. My own thoughts change and sharpen when in the fray.

I attended Trent University here in Peterborough in the early 70s. Back then, it was lecture/seminar based. As far as I can see, it still is. They also still hold weekly seminars for various subject of interest to the general public.

Speaking of lectures, I had one professor in my Abnormal Psych who was in his 80s. (The Trent Bata Library was renamed for him after he died.) The man gave lectures in a unique way. He didn't just talk about the behaviour, he gave the lectures while exhibiting it. One of the wildest was him displaying catatonic schizophrenia. He would go catatonic in the middle of a word and not move for a number of seconds or even minutes. Then he would come out of it and finish the word and the sentence. Amazing man.

 

[Peloso]

My life has forced me to become a student of the aged and how people get there.

I have observed that the patterns we lay down in life become magnified in old age. Many of us have jobs that consume our schedules, but when we retire, we find that without that focus, we are not ourselves and we have time on our hands to worry, to analyze our fates, and to think of things we have not because we didn't have to earlier.

It is also common for those who are family centered to wind up with empty nests and with children who have relocated with careers, leaving fewer connections and a sense of loss.

Lastly, as a general rule, I have noted a lot of older people become brittle if not gregarious natured. Fewer and fewer people are seemingly worth meeting. Making concessions and whatnot for diverse people becomes less and less something that feels right. The annoyances begin to outweigh the benefits of companionship. The end is that friends and family die off or leave after spats and the circle grows small. Some people at that stage like it fine, while others regret the isolation but won't change for it to go away.

Not sure if you're speaking specifically about the LGBT community here, but in case you aren't, these realities are magnified for our senior members. Skimming through the Coming Out/Relationships/Advice forum, I see so many lonely people struggling to connect. To make a significant connection. Not just casual friendship or cheap sex, but something meaningful and lifelong. You know, the "L" word: Love.

Face it: if you're gay, there aren't as many fish in the sea.

Too often, it's a lifelong quest. Too often, that quest is never sated.

I used to work for an old Queen named Hal. I cleaned his apartment, dropped off and picked up his laundry, fetched his medications, and provided an hour of two of company for him every week or so. He used to post ads on (the old) Craigslist looking for a connection. Not sex, just a friend with maybe, just maybe, the possibility of something more. He would tell me about all the dead ends he ran into. All the liars and phonies. The fuckups.

I used to use Craigslist too, but for hookups. I too ran into dead ends, liars, phonies and fuckups. So if I ran out of luck, I'd just jerk off.

What was Hal supposed to do? His posting style was very specific, and I would see his posts constantly. A new one every couple of days. I'd sit with him and ask, "Any luck?". No. Never.

It's hard enough getting old, but for some, being gay and old is terrible. It would be nice if young gay activists made accommodating our senior members more of a priority. From what I've seen, their situation is in crisis. In big cities like the one where I live, there are senior outreach programs, but they're little more than a concession.

I suppose I'm lucky that I don't share the gregarious nature of my peers, but I'm not so shortsighted that I can't understand the crushing loneliness some of these people feel. It's really fucking sad.

 

[Essex Boy]

Would you care for a pet?

There's pets and there's pets ...

Cats and dogs make good companions, critters that you keep in secure accommodation like birds and rodents make me feel like a prison guard. Fish and reptiles aren't really pets, they're more of a science project.

It would be nice if young gay activists made accommodating our senior members more of a priority. From what I've seen, their situation is in crisis. In big cities like the one where I live, there are senior outreach programs, but they're little more than a concession.

I wonder if it will be different in 10 to 15 years' time, when being openly gay will probably be more generally accepted (the world is still only getting used to the idea). With gays being more visible and with the population ageing I would expect the eldergays to become more of a distinct group as time goes by. I also wonder how many out-and-proud residents there are in care homes. Their number will increase with the years*. Today's old timers grew up when it was still illegal. It seems to be sadder to be grey and gay--the assumption that you have to be young to be gay is very hard to shake off.


*Not only that, but imagine all those 80+ year-old women called like Kylie and Britney with tramp stamps and pierced tongues.

 

[Charon]

I wish I could be alone for that long, but i'm practically forced into social interaction every day.

 

[belamyi]

Should I live to be 100 I have 32 years of solitude speaking to no one nor sharing my life with friends.

Do do you think such an extreme form of solitude is possible ?

Yes, provided you have something better to do, which hopefully you would have and, obviously, have likewise the means to realize that project.
Otherwise, you deserve to be enchained forever to Madame's bed leg

 

[blewballs]

That's the important point. You could sit alone in one room for years on end if you wanted to, but if you were told in advance how long you were going to be kept from having a social life it would drive you up the wall. For the last two and a half years of my mother's life I moved in with her as her carer (that by the way is when I discovered JUB). I turned two rooms into my little den and shut myself away when I wasn't needed. That used to make her very angry. She wanted my company and I wanted to be alone, which was what I'd been used to for years. Now I've got the whole house to myself it's lonely, although I know that if she were still here, or if I took in a lodger, I'd go back to skulking in my own room and thinking if only I could have the house all to myself again.

At first when I moved in with my mother I was still at work and when I came home in the evenings I secretly resented having to share my living quarters. Some people feel lonely if they come home to an empty house. I feel oppressed if I can't shut the world out and have the place to myself.

Solitude is good for some people but I think you need to be able to switch it on and off as required.

Wow, that is exactly how I feel, it's like you were writing about me. I've created a life where I'm alone. Sometimes I feel lonely and wonder why I have no friends, nothing to do, no one to do things with. But then the thought of coming home and not being able to be alone and do whatever I want and relax in silence is just horrible. I'm not happy when I'm not alone and I'm not happy being alone so much. Not sure what the answer is.

 

[NotHardUp1]

I attended Trent University here in Peterborough in the early 70s. Back then, it was lecture/seminar based. As far as I can see, it still is. They also still hold weekly seminars for various subject of interest to the general public.

Speaking of lectures, I had one professor in my Abnormal Psych who was in his 80s. (The Trent Bata Library was renamed for him after he died.) The man gave lectures in a unique way. He didn't just talk about the behaviour, he gave the lectures while exhibiting it. One of the wildest was him displaying catatonic schizophrenia. He would go catatonic in the middle of a word and not move for a number of seconds or even minutes. Then he would come out of it and finish the word and the sentence. Amazing man.

Fascinating.

Not sure if you're speaking specifically about the LGBT community here, but in case you aren't, these realities are magnified for our senior members.

No, I wasn't, but I agree with your comments. However, I would add that not being alone doesn't mean necessarily finding a romantic partner. Some of us are just incompatible in that way, but there is still the possibility of loving friends and community. And that is within almost everyone's grasp. To have a friend, you must be one. We can all keep reaching out and those generosities will come back if you make it a pattern.

Wow, that is exactly how I feel, it's like you were writing about me. I've created a life where I'm alone. Sometimes I feel lonely and wonder why I have no friends, nothing to do, no one to do things with. But then the thought of coming home and not being able to be alone and do whatever I want and relax in silence is just horrible. I'm not happy when I'm not alone and I'm not happy being alone so much. Not sure what the answer is.

Perhaps the solution is to look for another such individual or individuals who share your love of solitude, but enjoy limited community. It might be that living near such friends is enough. Of course, no guarantees, but all sorts of things are possible.

 

[BillyT]

As I have gotten older I have lost a number of friends by moving away or at my age a number of them have passed away. I am blessed with a large family and I have most of my family living near me. If you have a LGBT center near you most have groups for singles. Mine even has a gay seniors group that has meet ups.

 

[mikey3000]

There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. I like being alone, but only for a little bit. I'm a social creature and really make the effort to keep in touch with family and friends. My kids will fly the coop one day soon, but I'll be ok. My fella lives 10 minutes away and we spend lots of time together.

 

[NotHardUp1]

As I have gotten older I have lost a number of friends by moving away or at my age a number of them have passed away. I am blessed with a large family and I have most of my family living near me. If you have a LGBT center near you most have groups for singles. Mine even has a gay seniors group that has meet ups.

Well, to be inclusive, you don't have to live near an LGBT center. We haven't signed any contract to only find community with "teh gays." There are county extension clubs, hiking groups, knitting groups, dining out clubs, movie clubs, sports leagues, school volunteers, library volunteers, tax advisor volunteers, and a hundred other communal organizations that we can attend. All of them lead to meeting people, and friendships develop from familiarity, even on JUB.

So, I just want to put that out there lest people think too linearly. This gets back to my comments years ago here about how we see ourselves. Do we define ourselves principally as gays, as citizens or our town/state/country, as athletes, as devout, as artists, or gardeners, or singers? Granted, it is a gay forum, but many of us do not define ourselves as gay first in the list of adjectives. It may be important, but it may not be defining.

Frankly, in old age, I think less and less people are peeking into the pants to make sure they are with other heteros, or homos.

 

[Essex Boy]

I'm not happy when I'm not alone and I'm not happy being alone so much. Not sure what the answer is.

Yep. It's like lab rats building a maze round themselves and then not being able to find the way out.

 

[NotHardUp1]

More like the cat wanting in, then wanting out.

 

[belamyi]

 

[Peloso]

I'm not happy when I'm not alone and I'm not happy being alone so much.

Nicely put. (Grammar warriors: hush!)

It's a conundrum most introverts face.

 

[Essex Boy]

More like the cat wanting in, then wanting out.

I have waited a long time for an opportunity to post this.

 

[BillyT]

Well, to be inclusive, you don't have to live near an LGBT center. We haven't signed any contract to only find community with "teh gays." There are county extension clubs, hiking groups, knitting groups, dining out clubs, movie clubs, sports leagues, school volunteers, library volunteers, tax advisor volunteers, and a hundred other communal organizations that we can attend. All of them lead to meeting people, and friendships develop from familiarity, even on JUB.

So, I just want to put that out there lest people think too linearly. This gets back to my comments years ago here about how we see ourselves. Do we define ourselves principally as gays, as citizens or our town/state/country, as athletes, as devout, as artists, or gardeners, or singers? Granted, it is a gay forum, but many of us do not define ourselves as gay first in the list of adjectives. It may be important, but it may not be defining.

Frankly, in old age, I think less and less people are peeking into the pants to make sure they are with other heteros, or homos.

Being with gay groups you do not have the possiblity of hatred to your orientation. The world is more accepting but it is not perfect.

 

[belamyi]

Good job, you fartards: if the guy was seeking comfort and a brighter panorama, he's being well served (is it "well-served"?.. oh well, whatever) with your posts!

 

[NotHardUp1]

Being with gay groups you do not have the possibility of hatred to your orientation. The world is more accepting but it is not perfect.

Yes, but I've been a member of plenty of gay groups, and you have no guarantee you will click with them either. I've met gays who were polar opposites of my friends, just like sometimes happens on JUB.

Again, how many people in their 70's and 80's joining communal groups give a rat's ass about sex in those last decades?

 

[pat grimshaw]

I have been told by eldergays that they NEVER lose the sex-urge.

And some insist they can achieve orgasm.