Some days are harder than others...

[redhotrevolver]

And today is definately one of those days. This is my first post and I'll probably sound like a whiny, pathetic douche, but whatever. I need to get this off my chest.

In a nutshell, I am a 20 year old junior in college and I feel so... dead inside. I want to come out so bad and I feel like I have been putting this off my entire life. I'm so scared that I'm gonna wake up one day and be 40 years old, unhappily married with kids and dying to come out. I've already went through all the phases. You know, first it's "maybe everyone feels this way towards other guys" then "Whatever, I'm only attracted to guys sometimes" then "Well maybe I could fool around with guys once or twice until I'm ready to get married to a woman" then "Ok, I'm Bisexual" and now I realize "HEY IM FUCKING GAY!"

I feel like coming out to my friends wouldn't be the biggest deal to me. If they don't like it, fuck 'em. It's just the whole family aspect. I know my Mother and Brother would be pretty gracious about it and learn to accept and respect it in probably a short amount of time. It's, you guessed it, my father. My father is like my best friend and he's pretty much the best father someone could ask for. He'd do anything for me no problem. However, he has made it perfectly clear that he HATES gays. No joke, we can't even listen to Queen in the car. He shut it off once and I said "hey, thats an awesome song!" and he goes "AGH! I hate faggots!" And this one time my brother mentioned that one of his friends is gay and he passed out on our couch once. My dad flipped out. He was appalled by the fact that a homosexual was actually in our house. He then said if me or my brother were gay he wouldn't hurt us because he loves us too much, but he'd probably kill himself.

I don't know if I'm looking for advice. I feel like everyday is one day closer to the big showdown with my father and it kills me inside. I just want to live my life and be able to be myself 24/7 but this is so fucking hard.

 

[nsguy2]

Welcome here.

Wow, that's a tough one.

It seems as though he has put some thought into his sons sexuality and may already have an idea. I guess alot of todays parents give it some thought, though.

I have noticed that some fathers will make comments like that as they think it's the "guy" thing to do. You know, making you think like him makes you a "man".

Whatever you decide, keep in mind that it's for you - not him.

There's only a few reasons that I can think of why people hate those different from them and one is ignorrance. If that's his case, there's nothing you can do other than educate him - if you feel that's something you want to do.

If he has some personal reason to feel such hate, keep in mind it's not you that he hates.

Finally, there's alot of good info on these boards and some sound advice from people who have been through what you're going through now. So, give it a read, do what's best for you and keep us updated.

Good luck.

Patrick

 

[SFMusic]

We each come out in our own way, and in our own time. You will know when the time is right for you.

In the meantime consider the following: Do you recieve support from your parents to go to college? If so, you might want to hold off telling your father until after you have graduated.

When you are ready to come out, don't be so worried if it will change your relationship with your father, because IT WILL. Whether the change will be for the better, or worse no one can say. But I'd be willing to bet no matter how much your father may hate gays, that his love for you will be even stronger.

If by some cruel twist his hate is stronger than his love for you...then maybe he didn't really love you at all, he only loved the illusion that you had become.

Good luck in life, and always listen to your inner voice. It's good to get advice from others, but your inner voice will always know what is best for you.

 

[NongreasySweatproof]

Man, I feel like I should say something but I don't know what. I might be bisexual, but I'm only out to a gay friend, so I'm not really qualified to be an authority on your situation. Your case sounds like a toughie. I have no idea what my parents think about homosexuality. My mom once said "I know gay people and they're fine people. It's just not an acceptable lifestyle decision, but I have no problem with other people being gay." I still don't know what to make of that comment. It just seemed so contradictory. At least your dad says that he loves you too much to want to killl YOU if you're gay (and I'm sure he was exaggerating about killing himself). That counts for something, I suppose. At least he's made his position clear. In my household, it's like a non-issue. I almost feel like we have a don't-ask-don't-tell-policy. My dad might be okay with it, but my mom is a total wildcard. She could be accepting, or she could be like, "no, no, you're not. You're not gay. I don't want to hear about it. Don't be nonsensical. You're just saying that to spite us." It's really disconcerting having no idea how she would react.

I know I'm not being of much help, but I just want to throw in my support, for what it's worth, and to give props to your post.

 

[DarkNeko]

I don't know if I'm looking for advice.

To me it seems like you just needed to let all of the emotions that have been bottled up inside of you pour out, which is healthy. We all need to vent. Remember, you are not alone. It may feel like it, but so many of us are going through the exact same situation. My dad is also extremely homophobic.

 

[Lefty]

maybe take baby steps. tell a close friend or two, get comfortable with then and gradully, i repeat gradually expand yuor pool of gay awareness until you can feel comfortable with dad having this knowledge. after all, its not something he needs to know this instant or even inthe next few months.

slow and easy, get comfortable with yourself before rocking other peoples worlds and not having the knowledge or experience of how to deal with it. i'm not claiming to know it all or even have half the answers...thats within you, these are just suggestions for consideration. Basic tenet: Get comfortable with the skin you're in first.

Good Luck and i will hold some positive thoughts for you.

 

[WYSIWYG]

parents play this game without realizing that one of their own is gay. There is only one you, and you have a right to lead your life as you want with whoever you want. Love comes in mnay forms and shapes. Being gay isn't just about anyones sexuality, but parents and friends only look at it that way! Family can be a bitch, but if this bothers you and is affecting your life in other ways then you need to take care of it for you, and not your father, mother, brothers or sisters. Your too valuable to be lost!

I also agree that you should see if there is a gay allience or whatever at your college. A good place to talk and find support!!

I do wish you the best and let us know what happens!

 

[Eagle653]

Hey redhotrevolver, glad you made your first post. Welcome to posting!

Don't worry--your biggest fear, that you will wake up one day unhappily married with kids, will not happen. You're far too out to yourself at this point for that to happen.

I'm tempted to say "Don't underestimate your father's love" if only because it can be the most powerful force out there. My guess is he could come to love and accept anything where his sons are concerned. But, that's just a guess; none of us know him.

One way to approach this is to confide in your mother and brother and get their reactions and advice. If you eventually get your mother as an allie, it's possible that she can help your father come around sooner rather than later.

Bear in mind too that people can view gays very differently from afar than from up-close. Parents can voice all sorts of nonsense about gays outside the family, but when it comes to their own kid, love wins out. (Conversely, the opposite can be true too. Sometimes very liberal wives can be totally accepting of homosexuality--except when it comes to their husbands.)

Tread carefully and strategically. As LeftCoastMikey said, take baby steps. Your family loves you and will continue to do so. Good luck to you; let us know how you're doing!

 

[califguy]

Most of coming out will be a good experience. Let us know how it goes!

 

[confusedboy23]

Hi and welcome the club. I don't know if there is much for me to add here and I don't even know if I really am of authority to speak of coming out when I myself ain't out or even 100% sure of myself. It sounds like you have a great and loving family there with you being close to everyone. I can understand that you don't want to be living a lie especially to those whom mean so much to you. However, coming out to anyone at all has to be done at your own pace. You need to be certain that you're able to deal with the consequences, both good and bad ones. I'm not sure if it's a good idea, but maybe you would be better off focusing on other aspects of your life such as your colege education and career right now, and just to be sure that you can show your parents you are still who you are even though you're gay. That's what I'm doing anyway, because I reckon it would be important and perhaps easier for them to see that being gay does not take away the other qualities of a person. I don't how valid or applicable it would be in your life, but that was my ex boyfriend's piece of advice to me. Best wishes to you. Peace.

 

[Soilwork]

My father is like my best friend and he's pretty much the best father someone could ask for.

... he goes "AGH! I hate faggots!" ... He then said if me or my brother were gay he wouldn't hurt us because he loves us too much, but he'd probably kill himself.

This is the best father someone could ask for?

Sorry, but he sounds like an asshole, jerk, dork and pathetic excuse for a bad father, if you ask this homo erectus.

I hate to admit it to you, but the "best father you could ask for" would never say anything like that.

The worst fuckhead of a father that you could be cursed with would say something like that.

Sorry to break it to you, but your father isn't a good one. Love is unconditional.

 

[aaronp]

i must say, that i too was in that same exact position. and its hard to evaluate anothers position because they are all so different. I of course went through all those stages and found it extremely hard to come out given my current settings. i realized that i would never be able to accept myself and explore my own feelings if i stayed in the same enviroment. so i moved away for college. i told my parents i was going to leave so that i could experience the college life, and i did exactly that. i knew that i would never be able to emotionally deal with coming out to my parents if i wasn't comfortable with it myself. so i saved money, moved out, got a job, and went to school. and that year of my life was the most liberating experience i could ask for. after a year, i felt i had gained enough confidence to go back and live life back home. it sucks that i had to move away to be myself, but at times i felt i had no choice. i came out to my mom and family. minus the dad so far. its only been 2 months, and i know what lays ahead of me. but i know when i do come out, ill be prepared.
i think that was the best decision ive ever made in life.
unfortunately, we can't all do that, and if that is something you can't do or do not want to do, then school is a great place to start. meet people, go to a glbt(qi now is being added in) meeting and get some friends. have fun. thats what life is about. and when you know you are ready, do it. i think that hardest part is over, and that's self acceptance.
it is not your problem, it is theirs. your dad may need some support through this as well, which is why i think your mom can be a good start. as i said, all situations are different and i am in no position to give life altering advice, but my personal choices have lead to success.
you don't have to do this all or nothing deal, baby steps are just as great.
good luck!

 

[sp0540230]

A lot of good has been said. I too think that maybe the first step would be to your brother and mother. They know what your dad is like and will stand by you (I guess, you know them better than anyone else here). But one thing remains, no matter when or if you come out to your dad, you are the same person, not someone else. I think that if you ever tell your dad, he'd come around to see that.

I wonder if the reason why he's been saying those kind of things is cause he suspects but is hoping his suspicions are wrong. Anyway, all the best to you. I know it can be hard at times, take each day as it comes aight?