Some honest feedback would be nice :)

[DragOneON]

Short background.

I'm a married bisexual male. I'm in a definitely uncommon position and would like some feedback from the jubbers out there.

I am equally attracted to both men and women. I'm perfectly ok with that. I'm married and I love my wife to death and am immensely attracted to her still. I am one of the rare 50/50 bisexual guys I guess. I've never been in a romantic relationship with a guy, I've been on "date" with one guy, but nothing came of it. My first experience was with a gay man who simply would not take me seriously that I was attracted to women and felt he could turn me.

Anyway. I have come out to my wife. She is totally fine with it, and would be 100% ok with me having a boyfriend (which is why I love her so much).

My question for feedback is this.

Considering the general low opinion most gay men have of bisexual men (mostly much deserved), how many out there would be willing to date a man in my situation if i were absolutely 100% upfront about my situation from the get go?

I ask because i'm not sure if it's worth putting up a personal ad. I have ZERO interest in married men looking for man on man action on the side if their wife isn't aware. I realize that I'm in an uncommonly honest relationship. I would never help a man or a woman cheat on their spouse. Unfortunately, that's been the general response I've gotten from "bi" men.

I'd feel much more comfortable with a gay man who was willing to date.

Anyway, what do you jubbers think? Would you date a bi male in my situation?

Thanks!

Dragon

 

[FuryOfFirestorm]

As long as your wife is ok with you having a boyfriend, I wouldn't have a problem with dating you. Heck, i'd even be open to trying a 3 way, just to see what sex with a woman is like!

 

[KaraBulut]

Since you asked for honesty...

Everyone brings baggage into a relationship.

Being married, you're coming with a steamer trunk.

You may be able to find another guy in your situation who wants a FWB or a "hunting buddy". Scheduling is an issue when dating a married guy- mostly because most people aren't really good at sharing.

 

[DragOneON]

As long as your wife is ok with you having a boyfriend, I wouldn't have a problem with dating you. Heck, i'd even be open to trying a 3 way, just to see what sex with a woman is like!

Lol, she and I have had several She actually finds my orientation a turn on. Most gay men I have explained my situation to would likely run screaming in the opposite direction from a suggested sexual encounter including a woman

But yeah, I am more than ready for a relationship with a guy that includes some romantic aspect, rather than just some random hot sex.

 

[DragOneON]

Since you asked for honesty...

Everyone brings baggage into a relationship.

Being married, you're coming with a steamer trunk.

You may be able to find another guy in your situation who wants a FWB or a "hunting buddy". Scheduling is an issue when dating a married guy- mostly because most people aren't really good at sharing.

Thanks for the input.

I agree anything with me is complicated, but I honestly think I bring some tools in with me that are helpful regardless of orientation, such as being honest, forthright, and very good at communicating.

Regardless, thanks What exactly is a "hunting buddy" (pardon my ignorance)?

 

[TX-Beau]

Well, what are your expectations? if you're just looking for a fuck buddy that shouldn't be hard to find - but you can't really expect very many people to be overly interested in being second fiddle to your wife.

If I found you attractive, sex wouldn't be a problem, but I wouldn't date you.

Not because you're bisexual, but because of the situation. You already have a commitment. Guy, girl, doesn't matter. I wouldn't be in a relationship where I wasn't the first priority.

Now certainly there are people out there interested in polyandry, but that would of necessity also include your wife.

Would your wife be O.K. with you having a relationship with a man that was equal to hers, with equal rights and commitments? Or is she only willing to go so far as letting you have a guy on the side?

I suspect the answer to that is pretty important.

 

[DragOneON]

Well, what are your expectations? if you're just looking for a fuck buddy that shouldn't be hard to find - but you can't really expect very many people to be overly interested in being second fiddle to your wife.

If I found you attractive, sex wouldn't be a problem, but I wouldn't date you.

Not because you're bisexual, but because of the situation. You already have a commitment. Guy, girl, doesn't matter. I wouldn't be in a relationship where I wasn't the first priority.

Now certainly there are people out there interested in polyandry, but that would of necessity also include your wife.

Would your wife be O.K. with you having a relationship with a man that was equal to hers, with equal rights and commitments? Or is she only willing to go so far as letting you have a guy on the side?

I suspect the answer to that is pretty important.

Everything you say there has a lot of validity, and I appreciate the feedback.

She and I already have an open marriage, I'm simply not interested in another woman in my life. I probably should have clarified that from the outset, since she and I have had an open marriage for five years (aside from a few romps with guys I haven't pursued anything out of my marriage).

I suspect my wife would be perfectly ok with an equal commitment. Honestly the only stumbling block on my side is that I have kids so obviously that means that they get more of my time than either side.

 

[DragOneON]

an edit:

You and Kara's response is precisely the reason for this post. I suspected that my situation would not be appealing to most well adjusted gay men. I will go with the hive mind here.

 

[TX-Beau]

Kids may or may not be a deal-breaker for someone. I'm in an open relationship as well, but neither of us are looking for another relationship.

You might want to talk to your wife about the differences between relationship as opposed to "one the side," and see what she has to say about it. I know my guy, and I know he's extremely open minded, I also know that he would not be happy with me in a relationship with someone else that required him to give way over me.

I hope that made sense.

Whatever you do, just be extremely clear about how this works. There are a lot of pitfalls in there if you aren't absolutely explicit about terms.

 

[TX-Beau]

an edit:

You and Kara's response is precisely the reason for this post. I suspected that my situation would not be appealing to most well adjusted gay men. I will go with the hive mind here.

I'm sure that somewhere out there is a guy who'd be interested. Plus I don't think this is just about the gay thing.

It's a question of priorities. I don't think I'd be able to maintain an actual relationship with multiple people for very long - considering the time and attention I put in one the single one I have.

Especially with kids, something has to give way to something else on every occasion, unless like the group marriage set you are all living together. Things like who gets Christmas and who gets Saturday night eventually are going to hit conflict.

You have to preference your kids every time - or you're not a good parent, and that's perfectly natural, but it does give your wife preference every time as well. that could grow into a problem.

Just some thoughts on my initial impression of this.

 

[DragOneON]

Kids may or may not be a deal-breaker for someone. I'm in an open relationship as well, but neither of us are looking for another relationship.

You might want to talk to your wife about the differences between relationship as opposed to "one the side," and see what she has to say about it. I know my guy, and I know he's extremely open minded, I also know that he would not be happy with me in a relationship with someone else that required him to give way over me.

I hope that made sense.

Whatever you do, just be extremely clear about how this works. There are a lot of pitfalls in there if you aren't absolutely explicit about terms.

Very good point. I have absolutely no desire to inflict harm on anyone who I might potentially date, intentional or not. Just sex on the side really feels kind of hollow anymore.

Thanks for the great input.

 

[TX-Beau]

Well, what about finding a guy in your situation who understands the limits you both are operating under?

 

[DragOneON]

Well, what about finding a guy in your situation who understands the limits you both are operating under?

I've tried that. I don't say it's impossible, since I exist, obviously . By the uniqueness of the situation I've obviously severely limited the available pool. Still, my universal experience so far has been with married men who won't or can't tell their wife. I refuse to even do sex with a married man, or even a married/involved man regardless of orientation, if they aren't open with their partner. It's not only dishonest and disrespectful, but the other partner deserves to know what their S.O. might be bringing home to them STD wise.

Not interested in that at all.

 

[rjmrjm21]

Short background.

I'm a married bisexual male. I'm in a definitely uncommon position and would like some feedback from the jubbers out there.

I am equally attracted to both men and women. I'm perfectly ok with that. I'm married and I love my wife to death and am immensely attracted to her still. I am one of the rare 50/50 bisexual guys I guess. I've never been in a romantic relationship with a guy, I've been on "date" with one guy, but nothing came of it. My first experience was with a gay man who simply would not take me seriously that I was attracted to women and felt he could turn me.

Anyway. I have come out to my wife. She is totally fine with it, and would be 100% ok with me having a boyfriend (which is why I love her so much).

My question for feedback is this.

Considering the general low opinion most gay men have of bisexual men (mostly much deserved), how many out there would be willing to date a man in my situation if i were absolutely 100% upfront about my situation from the get go?

I ask because i'm not sure if it's worth putting up a personal ad. I have ZERO interest in married men looking for man on man action on the side if their wife isn't aware. I realize that I'm in an uncommonly honest relationship. I would never help a man or a woman cheat on their spouse. Unfortunately, that's been the general response I've gotten from "bi" men.

I'd feel much more comfortable with a gay man who was willing to date.

Anyway, what do you jubbers think? Would you date a bi male in my situation?

Thanks!

Dragon

Hypothetically speaking. No, you would have ZERO chance with me. Then again I am into monogamy and gay marriage. Also, I wouldn't take a backseat to your wife, as she probably wouldn't take a backseat to me. Hope that helps.

 

[DragOneON]

yep, it does, thanks.

 

[TX-Beau]

Well, think about this. What do you really want. If you take off the rose colored glasses and think about this realistically, logistically, do you really want to deal with making time for two people, two households, two anniversaries, dealing with two people bitching at you when you leave your jockeys on the bathroom floor?

Or are you really looking for what Kara calls a "hunting buddy," as in a guy who you're good friends with benefits with who isn't a primary, neither are you, but you occasionally wander off into the woods to uh, hunt?

I confess I don't know the specifics of getting into such a situation but my guess is that if you start making friends with other bi or gay guys first - before the sex - with the caveat of complete honesty, that could probably be found.

I agree though, lying and betrayal are not sexy.

 

[DragOneON]

Well, think about this. What do you really want. If you take off the rose colored glasses and think about this realistically, logistically, do you really want to deal with making time for two people, two households, two anniversaries, dealing with two people bitching at you when you leave your jockeys on the bathroom floor?

Or are you really looking for what Kara calls a "hunting buddy," as in a guy who you're good friends with benefits with who isn't a primary, neither are you, but you occasionally wander off into the woods to uh, hunt?

I confess I don't know the specifics of getting into such a situation but my guess is that if you start making friends with other bi or gay guys first - before the sex - with the caveat of complete honesty, that could probably be found.

I agree though, lying and betrayal are not sexy.

Yep, I think I got the feedback I needed. Definitely some more thought needs to go into it on my end.

Thanks All!!! Big help!

D

 

[KaraBulut]

Regardless, thanks What exactly is a "hunting buddy" (pardon my ignorance)?

Or are you really looking for what Kara calls a "hunting buddy," as in a guy who you're good friends with benefits with who isn't a primary, neither are you, but you occasionally wander off into the woods to uh, hunt?

The term "hunting buddy" is not entirely a euphemism. TX-Beau has it right- there's a whole culture of guys who are married and who have a male friend that they will sneak off with periodically to go hunting or fishing. Sometimes it's more about getting away from the wife and kids and being with the guys. Sometimes it's an opportunity for a little man-loving that they can't get at home.

There's a scene in Brokeback Mountain where the wife makes a comment about the fishing trips where there's never any fish brought home and the tackle goes unused. A lot of guys who grew up in in rural areas chuckled at that scene.

Anyway, what do you jubbers think? Would you date a bi male in my situation?

Something to keep in mind in the responses you're going to get. There's no one frame of reference when it comes to gay and bi men. Because we're a subset of every ethnic, religious, political and racial group, there's a wide variety of different moral and ethical points of reference in the community.

And there's a surprising number of guys who are quite traditional in their thinking. On the other hand, just like there are women who are happy to be "the other woman", there are men who will be happy to be "the man on the side"... but when you're working with 7-10% of the available male population to begin with, the chances get to be less and less with every complication.

 

[dhchitown1984]

It definitely all depends on, well, everything.

For me, I'm a monogamy kind of guy. I don't like sharing in a relationship aspect.

That being said, not everyone feels the way I do. I think so long as you are honest and upfront, it's not out of the question to find someone you can have fun with on the outside. The biggest thing you can do for yourself is to be honest in that search... are you looking for a fwb? a consistent third in the relationship?

For me, it wouldn't work. But I also believe a part of being a non-"traditional" sexual person requires me to be a bit more open-ended. Finding someone that jives with you isn't out of the question. Upfront honesty will give you the best results.

 

[anchihiro]

Does he have to be gay, or can he be bi too?

Would you be ok if he wanted to have your wife join in?

I think the main problem coming from an outsider is not the sexuality part. Instead its the intimidation of your package deal. They would have to want kids, also your kids would have to be ok with them. But also they might feel second fiddle to your wife, and therefore expendable and insignificant.

I'm sure this can work, but you've got to except that finding that right guy that ticks all those boxes is going to take time. x