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some much need advice please

E

easy

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I could do with some help please. Here is my story. I'm 36 single. Work in the family business and share a place with my brothers. I've had a couple of girl friends and have been with men from the age of 26.
I haven't hooked up with a girl in 7 years or been seen to chase women in bars. I haven't been sexually active with girls or guys in years only once or twice a year. despite how it sounds I have a high sex drive. Put would rather be in a relationship than just no strings sex. I've done all that and its empty. I have no personal issue with telling people or being openly gay. But I know its a box I can't close once opened. So I think my fear of trying a gay life / relationship and failing or finding after the trill and novelty is gone finding its not for me. And I don't want to live a lie or ruin a girls life beacuse I'm being selfish. Most of my friends have asked me am I gay. I have starting to feel very pressured about it. I know my family and friends wolud be cool. I feel isolated. I don't know any gay people. So don't really know what the lifestyle is like.
I think it is coming to a head for me as my dad died a few months ago suddenly. We were very close. Ps Dads brother was gay. But no one ever talked about it
Any advice would be great
 
Very sorry to hear about your dad. You know relatonships are hard no matter what, gay str8, whatever they are. They take two people who are commited and selfless and giving. I think that first you can answer that you are a sexual being and that you prefer men, that way you are not boxing yourself in with a label.

I think you need to not be afraid of who you are and not be afraid of finding love, it can be hurtful but isn't always. You focus on the important things, like interests, values, goals, desires...of course you have to be sexually interested too...right? so just go out there and start to connect. You may find that if your friends and family know where you are at sexually they may be able and willing and wanting to set you up with some nice guys they already know. It happens a lot that way, relationships. Good luck.
 
I think you just have to get out there and give it a try. You say your family would be cool with your being Gay. that is a helluva support . Dating in the GAY scene is not any easier than in the straight or bi, just jump in and learn. Thats what life is, a learning experience. This is from an older guy who has been on both sides of the fence so I know what its like.
 
Yeah, exactly. You won't know until you try.

My best friend was straight, then tried guys for a short while. He decided he was Bisexual, but didn't want to juggle two lifestyles. So he picked the easier one.

It was his choice. Does he have regrets? He won't say.

Only you can decide what is best for you. It sounds like your friends and family are ok with it. We are always the last to find out they already know.
 
Hi easy, I'm glad your family would be supportive no matter what.

Insofar as you are probably bi, you could play the field, and in the process give yourself permission to be successful no matter what comes. You are wired to fall in love with those to whom you're attracted--and you're attracted to men as well as women. So, try not to discount the possibility of falling for either.

Don't worry about love and attractions being "selfish." If you really break down attractions and "love" there are many "selfish" aspects, no matter what--or with whom. By that I mean that each of us are discriminating, have "types," and make choices. All of this discrimination, attractions (types), and choices are geared toward what WE need--not what will please others. The goal, of course, is to find someone where there is a mutual attraction.

How you handle the dual attractions should you find a partner (of either sex) is up to you and has so many variables that it's another thread--or book. For right now, just open up, have fun, explore, and the answers will come to you.

Good luck!
 
Thanks guys for take'n the time to reply. I think your right I need to be open to any relationship and just live. I'm probably putting to much pressure on myself.
Its great to be open with men who have an understanding of what your trying to deal with.
Thanks.
 
Hi easy - it might be helpful to know whereabouts you are (in the States?) so that suggestions can be made about what resources might be available to you locally.

I think this is a very important time in your life. Your age (36) together with the recent death of your father must be making you feel that major life decisions are imminent. You're going to need to review your place in the family and in the family business. Are you happy and fulfilled there? Do you feel that being unattached means that you are 'put upon' or taken advantage of in family situations?

Your whole life as an adult male - in employment, emotionally, domestically - has been lived in the sheltered family environment. But you seem to be suffering from the lack of intimacy that goes with that territory. The death of a father is psychologically the right time to break free from that nurturing/smothering environment and branch out on your own. But only you can know if you have the determination and resources to do it.

It would probably be easy to let things roll on as they always have done, but I think you would look back on such a life with regret and disappointment. If you do decide to stay where you are then you'll need to renegotiate roles and responsibilities with your brothers in order to achieve a greater sense of fulfillment in your life.
 
Hey easy,

Welcome to JUB mate... and thanks for the beautiful heartfelt posts. I'm glad you feel better for being here.

You're at a pretty tumultuous part of your life right now easy. The loss of your dad (my heartfelt sympathies mate) has probably made you ask a lot of questions of yourself and your life, what it means and where its going. Sometimes it takes a jolt to make us focus and to start being brutally honest with ourselves. And sometimes mate, even though its so hard to see it, something good can come from where no good seems to be - your dads passing - his final gift to you just may simply be the catalyst to you starting the journey towards the happiness he would have wanted you to have.

You've got some amazing morals and values easy. Your a compassionate and caring guy thats easy to see. You have enormous respect for your family and friends and your desire to not hurt others with lies or games shows just how special a guy you are. Your ability to love and care is beautiful.

Its easy to feel scared and pressured when you carry a secret on your own. Its easy to feel a burden that weighs you down every day when you have to carry it by yourself. And its easy to feel different and alone when you think that no one else is around you.

Easy, your life is a valuable precious thing. Your contribution to your family the business and to everyone around you makes you an incredible asset to those around you. In every aspect of your life you help you give you play your part. Your family sees you, they know you, they love you.

And if they knew how you felt they would hurt for you.

Its not selfish for you to want happiness. Its not wrong for you to seek your own fulfillment, and its not wrong for you to want companionship. You deserve those things and they are your rights to pursue. And with them comes the peace and completion that will allow you to be all you can be. A soul free of worry and fear, the guy that can give all his heart without fear. You can be who you want to be rather than who you think you should be.

Use this time mate to make change. Use the motivation and the emotion you have in your life to make something good happen. Dont let any more time pass where you suffer and feel trapped. Dont feel alone anymore.

Talk to your family, talk to your friends. Be honest and open and true like you have here. Let them see the real you - the same guy they know and love now... just a little clearer. Let them support you and show you love. You haven't changed and they will know that.

Easy you deserve to go forward. You deserve to seek out your happiness. Opening this box isnt something to fear or feel ashamed of - its something that will bring you happiness and the live you deserve. Opening this box is a new beginning. Its the start of the journey thats the rest of your life. A life of unlimited potential and joy. Of openness and respect. Of completion and fulfillment. Its your life to live mate.

And well be here every step of the way to share that journey with you.
 
Thanks so much for your support 'spreadeagle and tallguy297'. I feel silly now that I picked such a slapper handle, just my frame of mind at the time. It gives me a great perspective on my situation. I'm not going to rush into anything but just be more open and see what life turns up.

Lots of love guys. 'tallguy297' is that you in the photo. killer build.
 
No worries mate... anything we can do to help.

Hey dont worry 'bout your handle... no one thinks too much about them at the time... you can get it changed if you want...just pm a mod and they'll guide you.

And yeah mate...thats me... thanks!oops!
 
tallguy297 said:
Hey dont worry 'bout your handle... no one thinks too much about them at the time... you can get it changed if you want...just pm a mod and they'll guide you.!oops!
Click to expand...

Actually, the best way to get this done is to click on "contact us" on the blue bar at the bottom of the page and then click "technical support" to request a name change. An Admin will take care of it quickly
 
Hi Easy! Well, the other guys beat me to the good advice. Mainly I would like to reiterate that you are going to need to experiment with men if you want to understand your sexual orientation. Maybe you're gay or maybe you're bi. If you can avoid judging yourself or even labelling yourself, you are likely to have a better time and learn more about yourself.

It sounds like you have been with men before but not like you have felt emotionally attached to one. If and when that happens, things will become clearer for you and your path will be easier to walk. Good luck to you!
 
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