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Some Random Relationship Problems [LONG]

I

imxanemicroyalty

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Sorry this is so long! X)

So, I've been seeing this guy for about a year now, and things are really good. We're both in our 20's and we just moved in together last month. During the period leading up to the move and continuing now, I've just been having these thought that keep bothering me. We are very open with each other, but with these things I'm not sure if it's even normal for me to be feeling this way or if I'm just being weird and I need to get over it myself.

First off is this weird jealousy I've been feeling. He's not done anything to make me jealous, but I still feel a little jealous when he talks to guy friends and stuff. I also get these weird feelings of jealousy when thinking about his past and the guys he'd been with before he met me, etc etc. I feel like this is all in my head, and I feel a little crazy even writing it down. I guess I just want to know if it's normal to feel jealous about your guy's past? Is it weird to feel a little jealous when he's talking to guy friends?

Another thing has to do with sex and masturbating. We're both jerk off, we've done it together a few times, we're both ok with it. But we've had issues in the past where he hasn't been able to perform sexually after he's jerked off too much. And there have also been times where I've come home and wanted to have sex, and he's not been in the mood because he jerked off recently. Which I just find annoying, because if he had just waited an hour or two, we could have had sex.

And this last thing kind of ties in with that. He's in grad school, and I work full time, so he's usually home when I get off work, and we tend to spend the weekend together. So I have very little time at home by myself, which I'm really not used to. In my last relationship, it was exactly the opposite. I guess I'm just having a hard time adjusting to that. It also means I don't really have any private time to jerk off by myself. (I kind of have to watch porn when I jerk off, so I can't just do it in the shower/other room.) I can jerk off in front of him, but that usually just turns into us having sex. It just feels weird sometimes when I actually just want to jerk off, and not have an audience. So there's that, and the fact that I'm used to having a little private time to myself, which I don't really get now with any regularity.

Any thoughts or feedback would be greatly appreciated. I know these are kind of dumb problems, but hey, they're mine. lol X) I just want to know if I'm being a little crazy, and just need to calm down and not make such a big deal out of things.
 
Ok, one by one:

1. The jealousy issue is bullshit. It might be normal, but it's unhealthy and damaging. What it speaks of is your own insecurity. If you believe you are worth being in a relationship with, so will he and you have no cause to be jealous. If you don't think you are, how would anybody else?

2. Just talk about the jerk-off issue. This is a very teenage problem to have, and if either of you can't control it, then you need to see a specialist about it. My advice is - just don't jerk off at all. Why would you want to, when you have a live partner? I only do that when I have no guy in my life. But LIVING with one and having sex be a problem because of too much self-fun, that's just retarded.

3. Communicate about these things. Talk to each other and figure out solutions. Once THAT fails, ask for advice elsewhere, but really, if you haven't discussed it with him, you should.
 
I have seen relationships destroyed because of unfounded jealousy. Just because something happens often and is thus "normal", does not mean it is ok. There are always reasons for that, and they need to be addressed.

Other than that nothing in your post contradicts my "advice".
 
I meant that unfounded jealousy bullshit, not the issue. The issue is obviously serious. I misspoke, and I apologize.

This is off-topic and we should not be doing it. I am aware of what you're saying, and you might be more right than I think you are. I am not here to stomp anybody's feelings. I do think though, that a pat on the head and consoling words sometimes just don't help at all...

However, this really isn't the place to discuss it.
 
^Gentlemen you both get it. In this forum we are here to help.

The early stages of settling in to a live-in situation is called nesting and it takes time to get comfortable and to adjust, as you are finding out. In or out of a relationship I think masturbation is normal if it doesn't interfere with sexual performance. In the other hand, sex on demand is an archaic concept, treating a spouse as property. Frequency is decided mutually in a healthy relationship.

Feelings of jealousy that you're able to talk yourself out of, I would consider normal. Jealousy, leading to control or demands is unhealthy and needs some type of intervention. I coulId understand being miffed if he picks up the phone to call a friend as soon as you get home, but it would need to be a pattern.

Find a source for fair fighting rules and bring things up that make you uneasy, but only if there's something that he could potentially do about them. I statements, for example, are important as is talking about your feelings as opposed to making accusations.

Find away to make a sexual date ahead of time. Try to get away from planning outcomes in your head. It can lead to a lot of disappointment.

Good luck to you in both your relationship and with school. Enjoy each other.
 
imxanemicroyalty said:
First off is this weird jealousy I've been feeling. He's not done anything to make me jealous, but I still feel a little jealous when he talks to guy friends and stuff. I also get these weird feelings of jealousy when thinking about his past and the guys he'd been with before he met me, etc etc. I feel like this is all in my head, and I feel a little crazy even writing it down. I guess I just want to know if it's normal to feel jealous about your guy's past? Is it weird to feel a little jealous when he's talking to guy friends?
Click to expand...

Ask yourself what do you want your boyfriend to do. Do you want him to stop talking to guy friends all together? And only allow him to talk to girls? If that is the case, is it reasonable for you to stop talking to all your guy friends as well?
 
Thanks guys! I appreciate the variety of feedback. =)

I don't want him to do anything about the jealousy thing, I just want to stop feeling it. X) I wouldn't dream of asking him to stop talking to his guy friends, I just don't like the way it makes me feel sometimes. I feel a little less crazy for feeling jealous of stuff. I know it's completely irrational, so as long as I keep that in mind I think I'll be ok. I think it does stem back to insecurities, at the end of my last relationship (of 6 years) I was totally blindsided by cheating, and it's been a challenge kind of learning to trust again. My ex was very jealous and controlling, and I know I don't want to be that at all. Again, part of why I was worrying.

I think giving the other two issues time to resolve themselves is probably the best idea. It seems like it's just a part of the growing pains associated with moving in together. If things keep being a problem, we'll definitely talk about it, and I'm sure we'd be able to figure something out. I'm usually the one in the relationship that wants more sex, so I think we're still trying to navigate how our different sex drives work as well. If anyone has any experience with that too, it'd be great to hear how other people have dealt with that.

There's one other (personal) problem I've had that I could use some advice on. I'm really sensitive, don't take criticism well, etc. And so in all my past relationships, when I've been the one trying to initiate sex and the other guy's not in the mood I have a hard time not taking it personally. I know it's not personal, but i can't help but feel that way most of the time. Does anyone else have this problem?

Thanks again guys, this has been really helpful for me. =)
 
I've had that problem. Again, it boils down to insecurity. You should just keep telling yourself it is NOT about you (until you have serious proof it might be), and do it until you believe it. I know it sounds silly, but you can tell yourself these things in front of the mirror.
 
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