Something I'm ashamed of...

[JimLahey]

I wasn't sure where to post this, just wanted to get something off my chest.

But first somethin good! I'm finally openly gay. Anyone I cared about already knew so I figured the grapevine would take care of the rest. But on Oct 11th (national coming out day) I completely outed myself, no misdirects of being bi, just out a Facebook status about being gay, guess its something I needed but also for the few people I know who are closeted I wanted to show there isn't anything wrong and no one really cares.

No for the part I wanted off my chest. About 4 years ago (no one knew I was gay at the time) I "catfish"d someone. If you aren't familiar with the documentary it's a story of this women who pretended to be someone else and form a relationship with a man across the nation who happened to be a film student or something to that extent. Now her story is far more detailed than mine ever was, and consisted of many fake people she made in order to create this person. Watch it though its pretty interesting!

Anyways I made up this girl for a friend to email who I knew from friend of mine. anyways I said she was interested in him, so I got "her" to email him. After like two emails nudes were sent and received. And after two more emails more were sent. Anyways I felt so ****ing terrible I had to end it making up some BS story about moving. Felt is a bad word I still feel bad. Thankfully I realized what I was doing was certainly wrong before I had to fake some sort of delusional relationship.

I think he may have known after commenting he wasn't even sure if she was who she said he was obviously I dismissed it. Still he felt shitty about it too because he had been single and lonely for so long I don't think he needed any more rejection.

So yeah I feel bad about it, I love this guy (though these days platonically) he knows I had a thing for him and I find him attractive, though we've moved beyond that now an were still good friends despite our age difference.

Yeah I know it probably sounds pretty messed up, I was in a very bad state of being at the time with some serious psychological issues, that I won't get into as to why. We were very lonely people, probably how we ended up living together. I've since tackled my issues.

What's the moral thing to do at this point? Would you tell him? I almost feel I should but I think it would absolutely ruin our friendship, it's a line I wish I had never crossed. I mean I'm doing great these days, I've been seeing other people, and now out. I'm aware of the consequences of saying something and I avoided them once I just can't help but feel like a terrible friend. Pretty much I have never told this to anyone and I felt it neede to be said.

 

[peeonme]

When we tell someone of a wrong that we have done to them, we should ask ourselves what our motive might be.
Are we doing it to repair any harm that we might have done, or are we doing it to clear our own conscience?

What good could it possibly do for your friend to find that he was tricked in such a way?

Forgive yourself, but don't transfer the burden to your friend.

 

[JimLahey]

When we tell someone of a wrong that we have done to them, we should ask ourselves what our motive might be.
Are we doing it to repair any harm that we might have done, or are we doing it to clear our own conscience?

What good could it possibly do for your friend to find that he was tricked in such a way?

Forgive yourself, but don't transfer the burden to your friend.

Cool thanks, sound advice

 

[eastofeden]

I think telling him would probably end the friendship you have with him. I would risk it myself. My conscience wouldn't let me continue without telling him. I have done some pretty crappy things in my life but when it starts to bug me I come clean. I have paid a price for it on more than one occasion but I have my self respect and it is worth it.

The thing about forgiving yourself...it is important to do so IMO.

 

[topspin66]

Agreed. Most people confess to unload their own guilt onto their victim. Zip it shut and get on with your life. It was a brief moment of a character lapse on your part. And if you are truly remorseful and have righted your life, then live with it quietly and don't burden your friend. Anyway, it was an online interaction which most people know are less than truthful.

When we tell someone of a wrong that we have done to them, we should ask ourselves what our motive might be.
Are we doing it to repair any harm that we might have done, or are we doing it to clear our own conscience?

What good could it possibly do for your friend to find that he was tricked in such a way?

Forgive yourself, but don't transfer the burden to your friend.

 

[KaraBulut]

Apologies aren't enough to "undo" what was done.

It's probably better to let the past go and put your energy into being a better friend in the present.

 

[diesel]

I agree with the others that there is no point in you making direct amends to this person since it would probably only hurt him and your relationship. Indirectly making amends by your actions towards him and making peace with yourself are most important.

 

[Seasoned]

The problem with confessing something like this is that it shifts the burden from you to him. I'm assuming you no longer have his nude pics. You need to forgive yourself without involving him. Find a way to make amends without involving him. Contribute to a youth LGBT organization or whatever else might have some societal benefit. We're capable of doing crazy shit. You caught yourself and stopped. Stop punishing yourself. You've served more than enough time.

 

[eastofeden]

I can see everyone's point about shifting the burden and I somewhat agree BUT....and it is a BIG but....if he ever finds out in the future for some reason...and these things have a habit of surfacing in ways one might never imagine...will he feel the entire friendship was a scam and a huge betrayal of trust? If that happens...what kind of burden do you think he will have at that point?

I should mention that cheaters often have the same rationale. Don't let the other person know because it will do them more harm than good....

Yeah...OK....

 

[Rolyo85]

I completely disagree with equating this situation with cheating. "Honesty at any cost" is ALWAYS about the one being honest, and ALWAYS about either wanting to feel better about oneself, or about wanting to be rude to people without consequences.

There is no point in confessing. It would only cause harm an if you have been honest with US in this thread, then it's no longer relevant. I did something similar years ago, when I was in the closet, and I never felt the need to fess up, even though I am at a stage in my friendship with the guy where I could do it at any time and he wouldn't even care.

If this EVER surfaces, you can say exactly what you said to us, and the rationale for not telling him. He will either accept it or he won't, but at least that will have been the type of honesty that serves real purpose.

 

[Nubajon]

You made a mistake - you were dishonest and manipulative but it seems the only person that was actually hurt is you. It made no difference to your friend's life what so ever. It's true it could come out in the future but it seems unlikely unless someone else knows about it.
I think it's better to keep it to yourself, learn from your mistake and move on. Love and honor your friend in other ways and don't lie to him again.

 

[sixthson]

While I see value in both points of view, I guess I lean toward the side that says to weigh good vs harm to him.

I had a friend who cheated on his wife. Their marriage had been rocky and he looked outside the relationship for what was missing with her. Initially he made excuses for his wrongdoing, but eventually he took full responsibility for it. His confession to me caused an unexpected and surprising reaction in me. I immediately thought about his wife and what this would do to her. I was convinced that if he told her what he told me, it would either further damage a rather delicate relationship or destroy it completely. I knew he loved his wife, but made a terrible mistake. If anyone needed to shoulder the burden of what he had done, it should be he. Why should she agonize over it. If he had been a chronic cheater, my opinion would likely have been different, however.
I think there is a benefit to confessing to someone who will hold you accountable so that you don't do this stupid thing again. I'm just not sure the confession needs to be to the one wronged.

 

[JimLahey]

Well thanks everyone, I guess I never looked at it in the way that there's actually be more harm done than good. To be honest I don't know how he'd react, I almost think he already knew but looks past it. It's never been brought up since, so I don't think doing so now would really do any good. I pretty much saved the guy from having nothing and helped the guy out immensely, not that it changes what I did, but I know he has a rather large amount of respect for me and I for him. So I don't think I'll rock the boat and leave things where they are, like people are saying: move on.

So thanks folks!

 

[innocentbychoice]

As others have advised, it's better not to tell him at this point. I do understand your need of being honest as I tend to do that myself, but in this situation I think it can hurt him way more than help him.

 

[palemale]

Well thanks everyone, I guess I never looked at it in the way that there's actually be more harm done than good. To be honest I don't know how he'd react, I almost think he already knew but looks past it. It's never been brought up since, so I don't think doing so now would really do any good. I pretty much saved the guy from having nothing and helped the guy out immensely, not that it changes what I did, but I know he has a rather large amount of respect for me and I for him. So I don't think I'll rock the boat and leave things where they are, like people are saying: move on.

So thanks folks!

I can think of only one reason to tell him. If he never sent nude pics of himself to anyone else on the internet, and told you that he was consumed with worry and anxiety that his pics would service on the internet, you should tell him it was you and that you deleted the pics (assuming you did). Since he, like lots of young people, seem not to have qualms about sending nude pics of themselves to people they haven't met, I assume these are not the first nude pics of himself he has sent. Therefore, I would not tell him.