Something is missing or wrong?

[Link25]

Hey guys,

My background (in case anyone isn't familiar with my posts here) is this - I'm in my mid thirties, started trying to date pretty late in life, don't get much attention on dating apps (sometimes none at all), and basically I've had 3 dates in 6 years. I'm nice, and hopefully have a somewhat appealing personality in person but i'm not much of a flirt - basically I have straight up conversations on boring topics - TV, Weather, Movies....blah blah blah. The first two guys I met I had practically nothing in common with except we were both giving each other a chance - basically we both gave each other the time of day. I recently met a guy the other night who I had a good amount in common with, and can kind of see a 2nd date in the future. I think he liked me? I couldn't tell. I left the date feeling the same way I did after the other two except I was a little more positive since we had a "Nice" conversation and got to know each other a little more. Something was missing though. There was absolutely no talk about our looks - neither one of us complimented each other on our looks. I was somewhat attracted to him and i'm no model but I don't know how he felt about me. There was no touching, no sign of us being on a first "date" - it was like I was getting to know a new friend. I asked a little about his past but it didn't go any further. Perhaps because we were in public we remained quiet? I don't know. I wasn't asked anything about sex or past relationships. Was I supposed to be? Maybe i've seen to many tv shows/movies or read too many stories online about dating and feel like I failed because they don't resemble the great connection, a kiss, or let alone some type of sexual encounter that I think is supposed to happen in the real world.

I attract guys just like me - shy, a little quiet, and maybe their just as inexperienced which his causing this problem. Maybe neither one of us knows how to make a move and we keep waiting for the other person to initiate something more than "great weather out there". That's a problem. I'm not sure what to do - this is stuff you learn in high school, in college, and in your younger years. I missed that boat but i'm trying to do this. It just seems like the date(s) are falling flat.

I always dreamed of meeting a guy who would sort of help me break out of this shell i'm in. But, that's not going to happen. I think I need to do it if I want to move forward. I think i'm afraid of scaring someone off.

Can anyone relate? or offer any advice?

 

[SeaCore]

Oh I can definitely relate! So I'm 27 and I only started looking for dates back in December. I gotta be up front, I seem to have lucked out because after one initial date I went out with another person I found someone that I've continued to see basically every week since then. But that might also be a bit re-affirming too! Because on our first date together neither one of us did any of the stuff you felt was absent from your date. We just talked about stuff that interests us. And that's persisted for the last three months so clearly it doesn't spell disaster for you!

At the end of the day, you had a good time and hopefully the other guy did too. So even if it wasn't typical (And I'm not even convinced it was untypical) that's perfectly okay, there is no one way to form a relationship.

On the dating apps, which ones are you using and are you mostly initiating the dates or is the other person?

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

Who/What exactly are you looking for?

 

[Link25]

Oh I can definitely relate! So I'm 27 and I only started looking for dates back in December. I gotta be up front, I seem to have lucked out because after one initial date I went out with another person I found someone that I've continued to see basically every week since then. But that might also be a bit re-affirming too! Because on our first date together neither one of us did any of the stuff you felt was absent from your date. We just talked about stuff that interests us. And that's persisted for the last three months so clearly it doesn't spell disaster for you!

At the end of the day, you had a good time and hopefully the other guy did too. So even if it wasn't typical (And I'm not even convinced it was untypical) that's perfectly okay, there is no one way to form a relationship.

On the dating apps, which ones are you using and are you mostly initiating the dates or is the other person?

Glad you understand what I was getting at and how I was feeling, but I’m happy that you seem to be doing well too.

I’ve been using Bumble and OkCupid but I’ve tried Match and Plenty of Fish too. I met the current guy on Bumble. I have always initiated the first date otherwise texting gets out of control for weeks on end to the point where we are either going to do this or were not. I’ve been ghosted after initiating dates too but that’s another issue.

Anyway I’m hoping the two of us can loosen up a bit if there’s a next time. I’m waiting for my first real kiss (hook up kissing didn’t count for me).

 

[Link25]

Who/What exactly are you looking for?

I’m dating to find a boyfriend who I can have a meaningful relationship with. The dates are few and far between but I’m trying.

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

I’m dating to find a boyfriend who I can have a meaningful relationship with. The dates are few and far between but I’m trying.

Deliberate dating never worked for me (except for hookups which never even became real friendships so far bar one). Every meaningful relationship I´ve had was with a guy who was in my environment who knew I was ´in the game´. Going out to LGBT social events/places helped me.

 

[SeaCore]

Glad you understand what I was getting at and how I was feeling, but I’m happy that you seem to be doing well too.

I’ve been using Bumble and OkCupid but I’ve tried Match and Plenty of Fish too. I met the current guy on Bumble. I have always initiated the first date otherwise texting gets out of control for weeks on end to the point where we are either going to do this or were not. I’ve been ghosted after initiating dates too but that’s another issue.

Anyway I’m hoping the two of us can loosen up a bit if there’s a next time. I’m waiting for my first real kiss (hook up kissing didn’t count for me).

Oh excellent! Yeah I've noticed there's a really big problem with these apps, excluding Bumble I suppose, with more people wanting to be pursued rather than the other way around. And I totally get why that is but it's just not interacting with the system effectively. So you sound like you're doing great on that front!

I used OkCupid myself and was fairly invested in my profile and with answering 'questions'. I think filling out the questions supported the app finding better quality candidates. I also tended to add explanations to each question, I don't know if the app boosted me because of that or not but I consider it a good idea because you can add talking points for people to draw from.

My approach to the app was taking a look at the person's profile, seeing if there was something engaging to talk about, looking for deal breakers (smoking was one for me), and then looking at questions. The guy I'm seeing right now mentioned an interest in space telescopes so I asked if they were familiar with 'vantablack', the darkest substance we know of, because it was designed for use on telescopes and I was interested in it because of the artistic applications.
But if they didn't fill out their profile at all or answer any questions, even if they were really attractive, I'd just move on because I had a higher chance of getting somewhere with someone else.

You can also reset your left-swipes and give people a second look.

You seem to be doing fairly well! But if you want I could take a look at your profile. You can log in through the OkCupid website and get a link to it there. Feel free to PM it to me if you'd feel more comfortable!

 

[KaraBulut]

...I always dreamed of meeting a guy who would sort of help me break out of this shell i'm in. But, that's not going to happen. I think I need to do it if I want to move forward. I think i'm afraid of scaring someone off.

Out of curiosity, how is the rest of your social life?

 

[Link25]

Oh excellent! Yeah I've noticed there's a really big problem with these apps, excluding Bumble I suppose, with more people wanting to be pursued rather than the other way around. And I totally get why that is but it's just not interacting with the system effectively. So you sound like you're doing great on that front!

I used OkCupid myself and was fairly invested in my profile and with answering 'questions'. I think filling out the questions supported the app finding better quality candidates. I also tended to add explanations to each question, I don't know if the app boosted me because of that or not but I consider it a good idea because you can add talking points for people to draw from.

My approach to the app was taking a look at the person's profile, seeing if there was something engaging to talk about, looking for deal breakers (smoking was one for me), and then looking at questions. The guy I'm seeing right now mentioned an interest in space telescopes so I asked if they were familiar with 'vantablack', the darkest substance we know of, because it was designed for use on telescopes and I was interested in it because of the artistic applications.
But if they didn't fill out their profile at all or answer any questions, even if they were really attractive, I'd just move on because I had a higher chance of getting somewhere with someone else.

You can also reset your left-swipes and give people a second look.

You seem to be doing fairly well! But if you want I could take a look at your profile. You can log in through the OkCupid website and get a link to it there. Feel free to PM it to me if you'd feel more comfortable!

There's this new trend with these apps now that if you don't "Like" each other, they don't see your messages - OkCupid is now like this. Or, they'll get your message but they don't have to read it (or may not even see it) - if that makes any sense. Apps like Bumble you need to like each other to even begin to chat. I used to fill out my profiles completely - and than as time went on I noticed that other guys were writing less and less so then I tried the less is more approach but that didn't work either. I know I spent HOURS over the years reading profiles, coming up with something to start a conversation with - I maybe got one reply in over 50 messages. I think maybe one or two guys messaged me but they either disappeared before we got to the meeting up stage or right after I suggested a date - gone/ghosted. It was sad. I take breaks now and then from the whole thing. I just don't know how to make flirt, or make a move. Thank you for offering to take a look at my profile(s) but I just have the one now and it's pretty straightforward.

 

[Link25]

Out of curiosity, how is the rest of your social life?

As far as friends go? I don't have any friends. I've never really had any friends - not in school (harassed for years by a lot of classmates so finding friends wasn't exactly easy - probably caused my anxiety), went to a local school after graduation but never met anyone and then started working but I was never "one of the guys" so I was the acquaintance/co-worker. Come to think of it i've never been out of the acquaintance role with people outside family. I do think my dating problem is related to this but I don't want to let that stop me so i've been working on my self esteem and confidence and going for it - just not getting far.

 

[KaraBulut]

As far as friends go? I don't have any friends. I've never really had any friends - not in school (harassed for years by a lot of classmates so finding friends wasn't exactly easy - probably caused my anxiety), went to a local school after graduation but never met anyone and then started working but I was never "one of the guys" so I was the acquaintance/co-worker. Come to think of it i've never been out of the acquaintance role with people outside family. I do think my dating problem is related to this but I don't want to let that stop me so i've been working on my self esteem and confidence and going for it - just not getting far.

The two are connected.

There's a lot of pressure that you're putting on potential partners. You should work on your self-esteem (most people should, for that matter). It's good that you're putting yourself out there in the dating world.

But, as we often say in this forum, "be the person that you would want to date". You should have friends- casual friends from work and good friends that you can talk with. Put effort into that and if needed, work with a therapist on overcoming your social anxiety so that you can be that person what others want to spend time with.

 

[SeaCore]

There's this new trend with these apps now that if you don't "Like" each other, they don't see your messages - OkCupid is now like this. Or, they'll get your message but they don't have to read it (or may not even see it) - if that makes any sense. Apps like Bumble you need to like each other to even begin to chat. I used to fill out my profiles completely - and than as time went on I noticed that other guys were writing less and less so then I tried the less is more approach but that didn't work either. I know I spent HOURS over the years reading profiles, coming up with something to start a conversation with - I maybe got one reply in over 50 messages. I think maybe one or two guys messaged me but they either disappeared before we got to the meeting up stage or right after I suggested a date - gone/ghosted. It was sad. I take breaks now and then from the whole thing. I just don't know how to make flirt, or make a move. Thank you for offering to take a look at my profile(s) but I just have the one now and it's pretty straightforward.

Sure, I'm aware of the trend. I'll be honest I think it's a good trend because it ensures a basic level of interest instead of getting flooded with people messaging you. Like, if I explicitly swiped left because of a deal-breaker I wouldn't want to get messages from someone that I've already decided not to pursue. Then again, I tend to be open minded with right swiping which isn't necessarily the norm.
So, while you're 100% correct that you have to both like each other to see a message, OkCupid still promotes your profile better if you send a message anyways. They still recognize the value in putting in the effort to do that.
Though the one way that they fail is that if you're 'liked' after sending the message it doesn't appear as unread to the other person, at least as I understand it. So you have to initiate contact again. I found that really moronic. It should be treated as if you've just sent the message.

Also I definitely agree with Karabulut about making friends. And there's even a selfish angle to it to consider, even if this shouldn't be the only thing you're wanting out of a friendship. Making friends with other LGBT people and LGBT-friendly people is a good way to up your chances of finding a higher quality match because your friends are going to know you better than an algorithm is and they're going to know the other person better too. So if they know you're looking, they're in a better position to play match-maker.

It's also worth bringing this up too! What kind of area do you live in? Think of like a major city versus a small rural town. What works for one doesn't necessarily apply to the other after all!

 

[Link25]

Hey guys....just getting a chance to reply. I did see someone about possible social anxiety. I went for about 6 months. Every session was the same conversation, over and over again. Decent Dr. but I was hoping someone might give me steps to overcome the anxiety but he didn't. I feel like I have it sometimes, but not all the time. I often don't feel that I fit in but I do try to join in conversations whenever I can.

I do live in the suburbs but close to a major city so maybe i'll try to get out more there.

I did ask the guy I went out with on a 2nd date (and he seemed eager to do so after our first date ended) but it's been a few days now with no response and past the time I suggested we actually go - so there's that. You know what's funny, I have this feeling he's going to completely ignore that (like he did) but want to text about nonsense on his free time. I think i'm just going to drop it.

I'm no longer on any dating apps and i'm going to take more time to work on my looks. I go to the gym a lot already but i'll just increase it. I'll also work on getting a friend or two in the meantime.

Thanks guys!

 

[PalacePaul]

Good that you're working on your looks. I'm sure the gym will pay off.
I can tell you that making friends is going to be hard. When you're in your 30's and you're not a very social person... I know from experience. Most important thing: don't look needy! Always keep it casual.
Good luck!

 

[SeaCore]

I find working on your looks a little concerning. Like I recognize that looks matter and might help you get your foot in the door more but at the same time I wonder if it's the right goal to pursue? At the end of the day it means exercising which will help your mental health but I dunno I get the sense that this could end up being more self defeating later down the line.

I guess... I just hope you're doing it for the right reasons so your expectations don't get betrayed. If you want to look a certain way to feel more confident, great! But if you motives are more about getting other people to behave a certain way; be okay with it not working out the way you imagined. Just check in with yourself every now and then. That's a good idea just in general.

And yeah I hope things turn out the way you want!

 

[darian]

I’m dating to find a boyfriend who I can have a meaningful relationship with.

A friendship is also a type of relationship but with a lot less riding on it.

I have always thought that it was important to develop a friendship first before a relationship: that way you have something to fall back on if the sex doesn't work out and still have someone in your life. Friends are important as you can't expect one person to fulfill everything in your life: that's way too much pressure for any one individual.

I hate the whole idea of dating as it seems to be some sort of game where you follow certain rules, except everyone expects you to know the rules when you have had no formal training.

Your 1st date guy may be anxious about getting sexual at the beginning and just wants a friend. Although that would be frustrating if you want more, developing a friendship gives you experience in the pre-cursor to a relationship: you have to walk before you can run. Perhaps you could consider developing friendships and having casual no strings sex with others, then later combining both in single individuals when you have more experience.

I think many of us want too much too quickly and forget that Rome wasn't built in a day, but through a progression of smaller steps.

You could also be daring and experiment with being honest and open about what you want and checking whether the other party is interested too, to save the game playing and speculating whether no contact means not interested or simply anxious about taking things too quickly.