something wrong with me?

[SkylarShinoda]

Heres the thing no matter what i do.. i cant seem to make any freinds localy. Only online. I try being myself and people just ignore me.. i try to fit in and people think im being weird. I had this problem in school too.

I had a great group of freinds and then a new girl turned up. spread some pretty vicious lies which made me leave school completely. Ever since then ive had a huge trust issue with letting people get close to me. The only freinds i really have are online who i talk to all the time. But after 8 years of pretty much having no real world freinds.. im at a loss with this.

 

[NCDogGuy]

I have struggled with similar issues. A therapist suggested an approach that worked well for me. Maybe it or something similar could help you?

He suggested that I find an activity that I would be interested in, where I would have something to do. Then do it. In the process I would meet people, but by having "a job" to do, my anxiety would drop, I would drop my guard, and people would see me for me. He made the comparison of excellent party hosts who ask the shy guest if they can help refill drinks or pass out appetizers. Do that a few times with the same group of people and they start to notice you. You can also pick up topics of conversation and interests so you can think about your conversation plan and then join in.

I've actually volunteered myself to help the hosts at parties and it really has helped me.

Also, being able to confide in someone you trust before a smaller get together so they can then help give you openings is a life saver too.

I don't know if this is true for you, but I also had problems reading social cues. That caused interactions to not flow well from others perspectives. The therapist was able to teach me how to watch for various cues so I could better navigate the social interactions.

I'm an introvert. Perhaps you are too. If you think so, you might try reading "The Introvert Advantage".... or checking the articles on their website of the same name.

Good luck. Social anxiety is ... anxiety producing. I hope I was able to help a little.

 

[maxer343]

I like you. Just for being genuine.

 

[maxer343]

I wish your location was close to me.

 

[TheOscar]

What NCDogGuy recommended is a good idea. Get into an activity that interests you, a club of sorts, and that'll help you meet new people.

But there's nothing wrong with you.

 

[Seasoned]

I have struggled with similar issues. A therapist suggested an approach that worked well for me. Maybe it or something similar could help you?

He suggested that I find an activity that I would be interested in, where I would have something to do. Then do it. In the process I would meet people, but by having "a job" to do, my anxiety would drop, I would drop my guard, and people would see me for me. He made the comparison of excellent party hosts who ask the shy guest if they can help refill drinks or pass out appetizers. Do that a few times with the same group of people and they start to notice you. You can also pick up topics of conversation and interests so you can think about your conversation plan and then join in.

I've actually volunteered myself to help the hosts at parties and it really has helped me.

Also, being able to confide in someone you trust before a smaller get together so they can then help give you openings is a life saver too.

I don't know if this is true for you, but I also had problems reading social cues. That caused interactions to not flow well from others perspectives. The therapist was able to teach me how to watch for various cues so I could better navigate the social interactions.

I'm an introvert. Perhaps you are too. If you think so, you might try reading "The Introvert Advantage".... or checking the articles on their website of the same name.

Good luck. Social anxiety is ... anxiety producing. I hope I was able to help a little.

BINGO! As another introvert I advise you to begin taking small risks. My biggest problem was not caring a rat's ass about small talk, which is actually the glue of social interaction. Start with a bit of small talk until it gets more comfortable. Good luck to you.

 

[NCDogGuy]

SkylarShinoda - I keep thinking about you as your post. It will get better.

Not sure you are in the U.S. Here, extroverts are valued over introverts, and introverts get social pressure to "just get over it" and be the life of the party. Message - you are broken. But, society is wrong. Both extroversion and introversion are natural human dispositions. I think introversion can be a gift.

Over time, I've noticed that instead of being ignored, an introvert can actually get more attention. My theory is others start to think, “Gee, he actually is saying something. It must be important.” The most awkward and disconcerting thing for me is when I do start to add a comment at a gathering, and everyone else drops silent to listen to me.

Finally, when you enter a social situation, are you building yourself up, or tearing yourself down? It is easy to feed ourselves a steady stream of “I sure messed that up.” “That was a dumb comment, now they think I’m stupid.” “Why did he look at me like that? I must have screwed up!” etc.

That is toxic. If you are doing it, learning to catch it and replacing it with positive self-talk can really help. It sounds silly, but works. “Wow – I’ve joined in the talk twice now! Great job!” “Hey, he smiled when I said that. He must think I’m funny.” “Look! He just glanced this way as if he wants to know what I think. I’m going to jump in when the super extro pauses for air!” (No offense intended to the extro's out there - but honestly, sometimes that is how it seems.)

Good luck. Believe it or not, introverts have it good. We actually get the low stress role in social settings once we accept our strengths. No one is looking for us to carry the conversation or be the life of the party. Just laugh at other’s jokes, chime in when you have a contribution, and enjoy the company.

 

[neditesjamais]

As a never-completely-reformed introvert, I concur on all of this. And reading the excellent advice you've gotten, I realized that I've used every one of those strategies over the years--as well as others--to get me through. In fact, some people now tell me they're very surprised that I consider myself an introvert. (I'm always pleased that my evil plan is working.)

Also, consider that you may not actually WANTvery many friends, just one or two really good, close friends. At least in the face-to-face world. You might be dissatisfied spending time with "acquaintances" except online. Consider how you interact with people online and see if you can use some of the same methods when you meet them ftf. You might be much better at your way of being you than you think.

And, yeah, you're just fine as you are--and we like you here!